Today is probably the first day any of the "old" me is popping up since coming back to work. Probably because I called Keeley this morning. Keeley was one of my housemates at LIFE and she is from MN. We have a ton in common and the necklace she made me is the only jewelry I never take off. Talking to her made me feel better about everything and my ability to do this.

I also volunteered for the PHX NYWC. That would be awesome! Number one...it's PHX and #2...it's YS. I think it could be a lot of fun and hard work...but I hope I can do it.

I cut a small corner today and didn't eat my apple. I know it's lame...why leave an apple out...but after eating a 2 grain serving of oatmeal...ugh. I am trying to add variety in my food choices so I really need to sit down and due a "real" menu instead of what I know I am supposed to have and match it with the mish-mash of stuff at home. Plus, sooner or later, the comments will probably come from my mom about the amount I am eating...which is NORMAL...but a lot compared to what she usually eats.

Last night I didn't think was going to go without me cutting...but I didn't do it. I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack...but I kept "practicing presence" and "radical acceptance" and while the anxiety was still there and I didn't sleep well...I made it through. Besides, my mothedr would have no clue what to do with me if I ever had a panic attack. I haven't had one in a month though so that's a good sign. I think it may have been because of the Provigil since that raised my anxiety level through the roof when I first started it.

I think once I can get myself into more of a routine that I will be a lot better off. Right now I just kinda float through the day. Not seeing Rob today is not my idea of a good day...but when I had to use Coinstar to count the change in my car to buy some groceries for the next few days...sacrifices have to be made. I feel like a 33 year old LOSER.

I know that if I jump the gun into another job be it full time ministry or just a "regular" job...it is disaster waiting to happen for my recovery so I am trying to look at this time as a gift. I really hope I can get partial disability...that will take some of the financial stress from me.

God has never let me down (oh my gosh...I hear Chapel music from LIFE in my head..."Jesus Never Fails") and I know He is incredibly faithful...now if He could drop about $5,000 in my lap I could pay rent for a few months, get ALL my meds instead of just the ones I have to have...gotta love those PRNs, get my car work done and get to see Rob 2x a week and Toni for 45 minutes instead of 30 minutes.

My mother keeps asking me what we talk about or what Rob and I talk about. Like I am going to tell her? She doesn't get that with Toni it is more than just me eating. I did this string thing for a Body Image session with my therapist and I was THREE FEET off on the size of my stomach and two feet on my hips. MY mom wouldn't get that...a lot of people don't get that because some people have a bigger body distortion problem than others.

Well, anyway, that's about it from this peanut gallery. There is a Memorial Service here in a bit...so I came in early so I could leave before it starts.