Wow...hard to believe that I have been home from Remuda LIFE almost a month. Then again...it was hard to believe I ever believed that I was going to be able to do the program in 30 days! As Betsy (my therapist at LIFE) kept reminding me...it’s okay that I had to be extended given where I was when I got there. And, as I knock myself for being on meal support 28 days...she also reminded me that those coming from Rio and Vista spent 45+ on meal support.

It was very different this time and probably better in a lot of ways. I fell...flat on my face over and over and over and over and hey...I lived! Of course, I was tempted to remedy that situation...but that got me a weekend on eyesight! Basically, I was so not perfect and for whatever reason staff remembered me for three years ago...if I ever see them this side of heaven...I am sure they will remember me for absolutely completely different reasons this time around!

Being a direct admit stunk big time and while I am glad I didn’t have to go to Rio...it sure would have been easier to get to know people. I also learned just how much was hurt by Paula when I moved to Indiana and how I allowed it to effect making friendships this time around. However, I made really good friends with two women that I am in contact with often. Keeley and I had so much in common it was hysterical and Allison is from both here and So Cal so I will be seeing her on a regular basis. I preferred staff over residents because I knew that relationship was finite...and I couldn’t get hurt. Okay, this is going to people I was at Rio with three years ago and we are still in contact...but think having the Rio connection has helped that. Allison was also a direct admit so we had an immediate bond.

I did things I never thought I would do. I was on meal support at b’fast in the MHT office and STILL managed to throw parts of my breakfast away. I would check in my snack before group and then toss it. Luckily, I am a lousy liar and feel guilt very easily and so I quickly confessed all that stuff and wrote on my snack check sheet not to let me take it to group. I over exercised as long as I could get away with it (and being really open about it, too), I cut corners on my own meals from time to time (ie instead of TWO Tbl of dressing I would use one, a little less cheese, etc.) I purged, I restricted, I had a lot of Boost...things that three years ago I never would have done...heck...I got off meal support back then in like three days! I even left having had FOUR french fries and not exploding!

I wrote not so good things about myself and my body on my mirror which I showed an MHT in a weak moment. Hey...I was on my sleep meds...I told Aaron a lot of things that night...some that I still don’t remember. Poor guy...I think I completely freaked him out! But, he followed me back to the house and erased my mirror and put new stuff on it. Betsy actually made me keep it on there the last three weeks at was at LIFE.

Coming home I think I am learning what everyone else was telling me at LIFE...I DO have internal motivation to beat this. There was so much external motivation for me to do what I needed to (eat...not over exercise...going to groups and participating...not a problem) that I didn’t realize that I was becoming internally motivated. I guess my treatment team put it best when it was relayed to me that they saw I could fall flat on my face and restrict or refuse carbs and do supplement...but be able to pick back up before any other external motivators were put in place. Not that I don’t have my moments and seem to do this two weeks on...two weeks somewhat off my meal plan...but there has been very few days when I have simply wanted to give up and say forget it...I have had it...

I think the one area since coming home is the whole job thing. Steve told me this week he hopes my passion for youth will in time transfer to the younger kids. I think everyone is going to be cheated if we wait for that “someday.” I go to work every day and except for Sundays when I am in Biblemanicas (our Sunday School) with the kids...I hate it. Sundays until I take the kids upstairs...I hate it. I hate seeing my kids and not being with them, I hate that I am not going backpacking on Monday and back to AZ for the Mission Trip on August 1st. I hate that I am not at pool and praise, that I am not there on Sunday nights to play Gargoyles or Body Snatchers.

Yeah, naturally being bumped to part time has a bunch of other ramifications in my life...but God has totally provided for that right now (not sure about my apartment yet) and I even have health insurance for the rest of this month which is allowing me to get my scripts filled one more time and that means I can get my seroquel. I’d wean off of it now...but I really need to for anxiety.

Anyway, lo and behold a PT position has opened at a church in Saratoga. Oddly enough...they specifically WANT a female. I talked to Rob (my therapist) about it today and he thinks I should look into it. It’s within the Presbytery as well...so I may call tomorrow. It’s encouraging because Rob thinks I can make the switch and that it won’t be a bad thing. Today he told me he knows how passionate I am about youth and then shared with me things he remembers me sharing with him over the past few months. But, I am not rushing into this either...

I spent 60 days talking about how much my identity is wrapped up in youth ministry...maybe this is God’s way of telling me it’s time to find out...or that transferring to a PT position will give me a chance to still do what I love...but not allow myself to become some wrapped up in what I am...instead of who I am. In any event, I am going to take my time with this one and do a lot of praying.