I LOVE getting the topic Sunday morning when I get to the church. I have some uninterrupted time in the morning...before the "masses" get here to do some last minute prep and all that jazz...time to do this!
When I "ponder" freedom, the first thing that comes to mind is complete freedom from my eating disorder and other destructive behaviors that still weigh me down. I (and my therapist) question why I hold onto them, why I run back to them when I have a whole arsenal of tools to combat the urges and why it continually seems I take a few steps forward and then a few steps back.
For almost fifteen years I have held the label of "eating disordered." For close to that amount of time I have also been involved with Youth Ministry and then Children's Ministry as well. They have both very much become who and what I am. To step out in freedom and let ED go...I have no idea who or what I am. While I have experienced freedom for several months from ED and LOVED it...it seems to be a scary proposition. What is that freedom makes me selfish, what if that freedom shows me that I am the awful person that I see and no one else does? What if the freedom to not be scared of certain food, to not overexercise, to not cut my skin turns me into a shell of what I appear to be?
Then there is the flipside. Everyone says I am so gifted and how much more could I give and create if I was free from cutting and the eating disorder. I don't disagree. It can be very hard to imagine what life would be like when I can go into a resturant and figure out what to have, what to have on the side and what I look like if I choose to finish something. I pray for that freedom to come. I pray for the strength to get through what I have to get through to make that freedom a reality. I am so glad God sees the big picture!
"Tolrerate the distress," "use markers," "use ice," "set a timer," "distract" and GET OUT are all tools to use during a time when I want to engage in behaviors. Those are just a few out of the tons I have learned after two IP stays. I know them, I can use them...but very often when push comes to shove...instead of using them to give me freedom from the behaviors, I very often turn right back to them. One of my favorite ways to combat it is to do a pros and cons of tolerating whatever is distressing me at that moment. More often than not, I don't want to take the time...I want release and I want it now! If I sat down and did it to the point of it being automatic...I would eventually have freedom instead of a few "free days" in between my failures.
I can sit on the floor in Rob's (my awesome, total man of God therapist) office clutching Frederick (stuffed dog in his office) and waste time and I can also sit there and be "vulnerable girl" and cry my heart out. I need to do less of the former and more of the latter to reach freedom. Rob says it all the time...there is so much there and it needs to come out. Very much like Gollum, those things that chain me are "my precious" no matter the destruction it causes. There will be a session where by the end he is holding me in his arms and giving me the safety to let it all out. Then comes the sessions after where I crawl back into my cave...afraid to let the "precious" fully into the light.
Rob and I have been "together" for 14 months and I trust him and know that he is truly the one God put in my life to help me to freedom. I fight him, I test him, I make him laugh, I bring him goodies and at times do look forward to the day when he is no longer a part of my life practically everyday. Leaving also scares me.
To have freedom would mean losing someone I care about and who I know truly cares about me as more than a patient...who has said he looks forward to our therapy time. I think as I find freedom then those times could possibly be even better, but what if they aren't? Am I cheating myself not to find out?
Right now, freedom seems just out of my reach. I can see it and there are times when I can touch it...I just haven't grasped onto it yet. God is patient and loving and is allowing me to go through this for His purposes that are much greater than I can see, but there are days I wish He'd just allow me to wake up and have all the "gunk" be gone. He could. We all know that. I think my road to freedom is going to be a slow one, but I alsi know He is lighting the path for me.
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