Pointless..

I cut last night. A single cut on my arm amongst scars and as it bled a little more than I anticipated...it was the only cut. I told Rob today, "To look at it you wouldn't think it would have bled that much." Then we talked about the whys. I hate that.

I ran through the whys in my head and they all sounded dumb. He gave me a minute or two sit there and think about all of it and then I mentioned the stupidty of what I had to say. He said it wouldn't be stupid but important to him...blah, blah, blah...

So I told him. I can be going on in my day and as I told him in an email before my trip I then just start feeling pointless...I'm pointless, everything I do is pointless, existing is pointless, etc. He was happy I was able to tell him all that. Then I said, "So, I do another pointless thing and cut...but I wanted to purge."

He keeps talking about what God has planned for me and that when this season is over I'll be amazed. I told him that I don't think I'll ever work with youth again. I left out that I feel like I blew it so bad after my first trip to Remuda that I've blown my chances completely.

I just don't a have point for being anymore and I don't think he hears that...I don't know.