I so need to keep up with my blog. I think part of it is my commitment to try and tell a lot of what I would put here to Rob first. I think I have been pretty good about doing that. I also have my handy dandy notebook that I use expressly for stuff I need to tell Rob. That ends up here as well…but I forget sometimes.
So, my goal Thursday was to share with Rob all my Marc pondering and what I think I have figured out. It goes back to the last thing Marc said in his letter. I felt valuable without having to EARN it. He didn’t feel that was because I could produce big time in my job (pre doing ministry FT) or because as a volunteer the YP wanted to clone me or because I had to do x,y and z to earn that title. He thought I was valuable simply because I get up in the morning…because I exist.
Now, I did say he probably wasn’t the only one that may have felt that way…but at the time he let me know in tiny ways. I told Rob if he asked Marc and I what those ways were they would be different lists and Rob agreed saying you never know how something you do will touch another. Anyway, it took me a few minutes to read all that stuff to him. I was honest with him. I told him I came in the door knowing I promised to read it but that I no longer wanted to and I wasn’t sure why. I finally just picked up my notebook and read it to him. I am really glad I did it.
Things kind of went downhill from there though. We switched gears back to the reasons I don’t deserve food. Actually, first there was a lame-o joke about how many weeks until we have another “blow-up” session. I don’t think he realized how much that last go round affected me. I still trust him, I still feel safer in his office than anyplace else…but something “broke” in me that day. The thing is, I guess that means I must NOT trust him anymore…or it has been bruised I guess would be the better explanation.
The joke was funny (sort of) but it did hurt and I tried to cover that with laughing as I moved into the corner where the couches meet. He then asked me if I was serious about working through the list. I really am…scared spitless…but serious. He asked me about 3 or 4 times and I said yes. Then he said something that felt like a slap in the face, yet I can’t recall his words. It was something to effect of, “I was just checking because I don’t want you accusing me of making you feel like #4 on your list if we do this.” I cannot tell you if that is what he said exactly though and that bugs me. I think when he made that first joke; I laughed and tuned him out at the same time so when he said whatever it was it registered then I blocked it out. I felt the tears well up and then he changed the subject again and I didn’t react to what had just happened.
I left there feeling like a total joke and thinking he thought I put down I was a failure in therapy simply to hear him tell me I wasn’t. I only wish that were true. To me, the fact we these little monthly “blow-ups” because I frustrate him, show I am a failure. Then I felt really mad…but didn’t want to be mad because whatever he said he was JOKING…and I was so on edge. I wanted to cut. I wanted to slash at my flesh and let the blood run down my arms and allow me to feel at peace. But, I got online and chatted with friends for HOURS.
I had Friday off and woke up still very much on edge. I know I could have called him…even if I didn’t get why I was hurt…but I didn’t. I chose to purge instead…it really worked…not a good thing.
Today I knew I was going to have to tell him and tell him why. At 10:30 this morning I almost had a panic attack about the whole thing. So, we got to the point where he goes through the questions: Cutting? Purging? Restricting? I told him.
We talked through it…it was so hard to say why I purged. To me it was a “me” issue (I chose to react to whatever was said) and not because he “made” me feel a certain way. But, I finally told him and even he can’t remember what he said. He’s the one who also figured I was probably mad at him for whatever was said because I didn’t call or email him all weekend. Even if it is something really lame I usually call at least once between sessions.
I thought about it the whole way home and after he filled in one hole (the joke about how many more weeks until the next blow up) I went from there and tried to figure out the rest. I got home and wrote it out and called him. I felt I said way “too” much. He is my therapist…no such thing! But, that feeling is probably a good sign. I told him that I felt something broke inside me after the last blow up and it wasn’t because what he said didn’t need to be said, because it did…but there was “something” that snapped. I wish I had kept what I said because I forgot a lot of what I said to him.
Thursday I think we will be talking about this and about that session a few weeks ago. I came close in my VM to telling him about how mad I have been at myself for crying at that session…maybe it was the Friday session…since I told myself I would never let him see me cry again. I am thinking I really need to tell him that.
All of this is so NOT fun, but in the long run I think what is going on is only going to make things better…or kill me!
Monday, May 31, 2004
Thursday, May 27, 2004
The Hours...
No..not the book nor movie...just until my appointment with Rob. I feel a little...okay A LOT...silly because I don't want to share with him today. I want to talk about my "top ten," my meeting with my SP that went well and my eating over the past couple days...but I really don't wnat to talk about the Marc stuff and what I have figured out. I really feel at peace with it...more than I have in ages and ages...and I know I have shared some here, but it's "mine" ya know? However, a promise is a promise.
I hate when I feel dread before an appointment. It doesn't happen very often...but after his last "blow up," I become very anxious. He apologized, we talked it out, and it wasn't undeserved...but it did something inside me and I am not sure what. Either that or it is because I feel so exposed since sharing that list with him...I have not felt that way since Marc...so I guess it could be a good thing. I do feel anxious and shy...it may be a move back on the couch day. We have been sititng on the floor since December (I think) and I like it because we sit closer...not sure I want that today.
I hate when I feel dread before an appointment. It doesn't happen very often...but after his last "blow up," I become very anxious. He apologized, we talked it out, and it wasn't undeserved...but it did something inside me and I am not sure what. Either that or it is because I feel so exposed since sharing that list with him...I have not felt that way since Marc...so I guess it could be a good thing. I do feel anxious and shy...it may be a move back on the couch day. We have been sititng on the floor since December (I think) and I like it because we sit closer...not sure I want that today.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
10 Reasons I Don't Deserve Food
I had my list written when I got home from therapy last Thursday. It was pretty much how I think we ended the session. So, I called him with it later that night and promised Rob I would bring it in on Monday.
I did. He was really great about letting me stall and talk about my weekend...but he didn't let it go on for too long and NO sports talk. So, I told him I hadn't looked at it since I called him. My weekend was busy (new puppy) and so I opened my notebook and was struck dumb. I looked at it and felt shame, vulnerable and very scared. He talked me through them slowly...one by one.
1. I'm bad
2. My family didn't think I needed food (I was put on my first diet at 6 or 7)
3. I am a beached whale
4. I'm a failure in therapy (didn't wnat to deal with that one in the moment and didn't tell him)
5. I'm a failure at following my meal plan
6. I'm a HUGE disappointment
7. I haven't done anything to deserve food
8. My list (What I Say About Me: Selfish, whiny, needy, fat, ugly, stupid, waste of space, failure, self-centered, weak, scared, lame, lazy, irrelevant, bad, defective, damaged goods, unloveable, inept, ungrateful, shallow, disgusting, boring, dumb, lame, disrespectful, mean, self-destructive, hurtful, vapid, airhead, repulsive, blob, a fraud, loser, incompetent.)
9. I need to be punished
10. I don't deserve anything good
As he pointed out...that goes way beyond the food part of it. He had me promise to come home and email him the whole list and I explained why I said #4. He emailed back and said ti wasn't true...but that is a whole issue we need to work out.
I realized one thing on Monday...I forget he is human at times. He says it, I know it...but he does not have memory I do. Something came up about motivation and stuff again and I started to tune out and go off to whever I go and stopped myself. After a few deep breaths and trying to remember very hard to use "I feel when XXXXX happens. I need you to XXXXXX." It was more of "I feel XXXXXXX and like I am not being heard because I have talked about fear and I feel like you don't believe me or keep forgetting." That was hard...but good.
I think so much happened when I first came home from Remuda (loss of 1/2 my income, having to move home, calling 911 FOUR times in 7 months, etc.) that I did allow it to send me into a tailspin...even if I didn't realize it. And, I don't think I am out. But...for TODAY...I can see things a little more clearly and my handy dandy little notebook is going to be a good thing...along with the blog.
So, Thursday we will talk more about the list and if we are going to use it as a template for our time and I will share the stuff I have further pondered about Marc.
I got a very wise email from a regular reader. What he said made sense and was confirmation about what I had been mulling over. I really want to share it all with Rob first...so y'all have to stay tuned!
I did. He was really great about letting me stall and talk about my weekend...but he didn't let it go on for too long and NO sports talk. So, I told him I hadn't looked at it since I called him. My weekend was busy (new puppy) and so I opened my notebook and was struck dumb. I looked at it and felt shame, vulnerable and very scared. He talked me through them slowly...one by one.
1. I'm bad
2. My family didn't think I needed food (I was put on my first diet at 6 or 7)
3. I am a beached whale
4. I'm a failure in therapy (didn't wnat to deal with that one in the moment and didn't tell him)
5. I'm a failure at following my meal plan
6. I'm a HUGE disappointment
7. I haven't done anything to deserve food
8. My list (What I Say About Me: Selfish, whiny, needy, fat, ugly, stupid, waste of space, failure, self-centered, weak, scared, lame, lazy, irrelevant, bad, defective, damaged goods, unloveable, inept, ungrateful, shallow, disgusting, boring, dumb, lame, disrespectful, mean, self-destructive, hurtful, vapid, airhead, repulsive, blob, a fraud, loser, incompetent.)
9. I need to be punished
10. I don't deserve anything good
As he pointed out...that goes way beyond the food part of it. He had me promise to come home and email him the whole list and I explained why I said #4. He emailed back and said ti wasn't true...but that is a whole issue we need to work out.
I realized one thing on Monday...I forget he is human at times. He says it, I know it...but he does not have memory I do. Something came up about motivation and stuff again and I started to tune out and go off to whever I go and stopped myself. After a few deep breaths and trying to remember very hard to use "I feel when XXXXX happens. I need you to XXXXXX." It was more of "I feel XXXXXXX and like I am not being heard because I have talked about fear and I feel like you don't believe me or keep forgetting." That was hard...but good.
I think so much happened when I first came home from Remuda (loss of 1/2 my income, having to move home, calling 911 FOUR times in 7 months, etc.) that I did allow it to send me into a tailspin...even if I didn't realize it. And, I don't think I am out. But...for TODAY...I can see things a little more clearly and my handy dandy little notebook is going to be a good thing...along with the blog.
So, Thursday we will talk more about the list and if we are going to use it as a template for our time and I will share the stuff I have further pondered about Marc.
I got a very wise email from a regular reader. What he said made sense and was confirmation about what I had been mulling over. I really want to share it all with Rob first...so y'all have to stay tuned!
Sunday, May 23, 2004
We Gotta Puppy!
I knew we were getting one, but we all know my mom could have been blowing smoke. However, Thusday she calls me at work and tells me the puppy is coming. So, I drop everything and head to Lunardi's to get said puppy. He is adorable.
The puppy is a maltese/pomeranian mix and was born April 1st! My mom let me name him and so, in honor of Buffyverse, I have named him Spike. I also call him Spikey (my mom's preferred name) and "Blondie Bear." He is supposed to be ours...but he has reallt attached himself to me. It is really cute.
We took him to my grandparents' house yesterday and Mikey isn't too sure what to make of the pipsqueak. I think they will play great together in time. The cats are mad...but the puppy has not idea to chase and bark and them and he is about 1/8 their size! I hope they come around. He is going to be a lot of fun!
The puppy is a maltese/pomeranian mix and was born April 1st! My mom let me name him and so, in honor of Buffyverse, I have named him Spike. I also call him Spikey (my mom's preferred name) and "Blondie Bear." He is supposed to be ours...but he has reallt attached himself to me. It is really cute.
We took him to my grandparents' house yesterday and Mikey isn't too sure what to make of the pipsqueak. I think they will play great together in time. The cats are mad...but the puppy has not idea to chase and bark and them and he is about 1/8 their size! I hope they come around. He is going to be a lot of fun!
Friday, May 21, 2004
Eureka!
No, not the city...but I think I hit upon something yesterday. Rob and I were talking about the whole "unanswered questions" I have with the whole Marc thing. I do know I will never have the answers and need to come to terms with that. Rob thinks even if I had the answers it doesn't make a huge difference in the long run. That's fair. I don't agree...but it's a fair statement. He also said there is something deeper and that I may be using the questions from keeping me to dig into what it really is that gets to me about this whole thing.
I hit upon it last night. I was reading the letter Marc gave to me our last session. It is one word...one word that no one had ever used before and has never been used since. Toward the end of the letter Marc saked me to not give up, to pray, to ask for help, etc. because I was "too valuable for anything less than this." I think some of the pain comes from the one person in my life who actually saw value and me...and that was taken away.
I need to "ponder" more...
I hit upon it last night. I was reading the letter Marc gave to me our last session. It is one word...one word that no one had ever used before and has never been used since. Toward the end of the letter Marc saked me to not give up, to pray, to ask for help, etc. because I was "too valuable for anything less than this." I think some of the pain comes from the one person in my life who actually saw value and me...and that was taken away.
I need to "ponder" more...
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
The Day After...
So, I got to sleep at 2:00 AM which has brought on a migraine...so it is just so wise I am the computer! HA!
I sat down last night to try and type everything out to read to Rob and get it out of system...to cry to ask for his help in getting rid of what I can only describe as a huge ball of pain in the center of my being...to try and come to terms that there will be answers about Marc's leaving I will NEVER know.
The "odd" thing about that is he CAN give me those answers and let some of it be over. I have tried. Okay...while he was in Tikrit he was little busy...almost getting blown up and all (no joke)...but he is back in Alaska and I asked him again to answer my questions. So, I need to come to terms that not only will I never have some answers but he is unwilling to give them to me.
I want to let Rob in...I truly do...but there is so much fear there. He has never done anything to remotely hint at I have reason to fear...quite the opposite...but there is something holding me back. I am really praying that since I am getting sick of that "something" that the anger at "it" is going to help me just do it. For me, loss of emotion/control in a session seems so unacceptable and I need to get over that.
It is NOT lack of motivation that is holding me back...it is fear...yer I really have nothing to fear.
Ugh...
I sat down last night to try and type everything out to read to Rob and get it out of system...to cry to ask for his help in getting rid of what I can only describe as a huge ball of pain in the center of my being...to try and come to terms that there will be answers about Marc's leaving I will NEVER know.
The "odd" thing about that is he CAN give me those answers and let some of it be over. I have tried. Okay...while he was in Tikrit he was little busy...almost getting blown up and all (no joke)...but he is back in Alaska and I asked him again to answer my questions. So, I need to come to terms that not only will I never have some answers but he is unwilling to give them to me.
I want to let Rob in...I truly do...but there is so much fear there. He has never done anything to remotely hint at I have reason to fear...quite the opposite...but there is something holding me back. I am really praying that since I am getting sick of that "something" that the anger at "it" is going to help me just do it. For me, loss of emotion/control in a session seems so unacceptable and I need to get over that.
It is NOT lack of motivation that is holding me back...it is fear...yer I really have nothing to fear.
Ugh...
Monday, May 17, 2004
Four Years Ago Today...
My former therapist gave me this letter at our last session:
Deneice,
You have often expressed yourself through writing and, well, it’s my turn to leave you with some thoughts on paper also. This has been a long and difficult journey for you. You have allowed me into some very deep and painful places in your life, and I have felt it both and I have felt it both an honor and a privilege to be there with you.
Deneice, you are truly a creation of a loving God. He has knit you together, by His design, and He knows you and loves you. In the midst of your struggles, He seeks you out as a shepherd who has lost a sheep. No, the others are not enough. He wants you, Deneice Fujii, You are absolutely no mistake -- you are here for a reason.
I will miss you as out time has come to a close. Deneice, as I have done numerous times, I will pray for you and entrust you to God’s care and to Linda. My hope for you is that you will continue on in your growing. Yes, I know you are probably disagreeing with what I am saying right now. =) Yet you know that, in our therapy time, I have seen some of the most vulnerable parts of your emotional world and yet I care very much about you. I am confident that if you keep getting more of what you need to heal, you will begin to see yourself more as a treasure of God’s creation (as He really see you).
I know my leaving is so difficult for you—you have told me and I have heard you. I hope you are able to continue to hold un to what we have begun together and let others help you through your pain inside.
DO NOT GIVE UP, DENEICE. Pray, ask for support and carry on. You are too valuable for anything less than this.
Today I miss him...I miss him and I am shooting myself in the foot because I couldn't let Rob intoit. I talked through it and around it...but I couldn't let him in. I need to...I need to find a way...
Deneice,
You have often expressed yourself through writing and, well, it’s my turn to leave you with some thoughts on paper also. This has been a long and difficult journey for you. You have allowed me into some very deep and painful places in your life, and I have felt it both and I have felt it both an honor and a privilege to be there with you.
Deneice, you are truly a creation of a loving God. He has knit you together, by His design, and He knows you and loves you. In the midst of your struggles, He seeks you out as a shepherd who has lost a sheep. No, the others are not enough. He wants you, Deneice Fujii, You are absolutely no mistake -- you are here for a reason.
I will miss you as out time has come to a close. Deneice, as I have done numerous times, I will pray for you and entrust you to God’s care and to Linda. My hope for you is that you will continue on in your growing. Yes, I know you are probably disagreeing with what I am saying right now. =) Yet you know that, in our therapy time, I have seen some of the most vulnerable parts of your emotional world and yet I care very much about you. I am confident that if you keep getting more of what you need to heal, you will begin to see yourself more as a treasure of God’s creation (as He really see you).
I know my leaving is so difficult for you—you have told me and I have heard you. I hope you are able to continue to hold un to what we have begun together and let others help you through your pain inside.
DO NOT GIVE UP, DENEICE. Pray, ask for support and carry on. You are too valuable for anything less than this.
Today I miss him...I miss him and I am shooting myself in the foot because I couldn't let Rob intoit. I talked through it and around it...but I couldn't let him in. I need to...I need to find a way...
Friday, May 14, 2004
Four years ago today, May 14th, I was sitting in church as it was a Sunday. It was pretty much a normal day...well..it was Mother's Day. I was on Day 30-something of not eating...just water and Gatorade...and it was almost time to say goodbye to my therapist who was going to be finishing up his internship in Hawaii.
I came home from church, called my mom and grandmother to wish them Happy Mother's Day and decided to take my meds as I forgot that morning. At some point I figured that if one was fine...more were better. It was a lame attempt and kinda realized what was happening before I took the whole bottle...but I was ready to die. I was worn out, yet one more person in my life was leaving...it was another of many losses one way or another in that past 18 months or so and I had had enough.
I failed. I had my final session with Marc and later that day entered the Psych. Ward at College Hospital where I had my favorite outfit stolen from my room, I was honestly way more high functioning that most of the people I was there with and short of keeping me safe until the feelings abated...did nothing for me. But, I had been there 8 years previous and I must have made some sort of impression on the Psychiatrist even then because he remembered me. Weirdness.
Yesterday was another one of those awful session with Rob that leave me twisting his words and what he was saying into condemnation of who I am. Was he agitated? Yup. Is he losing patience? Unfortunately...yes. Was he wrong about what he said about my motivation? Oh yeah...big time. As usual, it ended up being a really good thing and it got me to blurt out what is really going on without caring how stupid I sounded and what he may think. Then he teels me that what I told him just makes him "embrace me more." I mean I "get it." I do. He has NEVER judged me. His office is the safest place in my world...but there is so much fear and i don't get why.
In my post about my list of how I see me and how others see me is where the answers to all the questions I think. I so get that what others say doesn't mean I am that 24/7 and what I say I am PROBABLY isn't true 24/7. I think I stall, I clam up, and I seem unmotivated because I am afraid that as we strip everything else away that was much as I DON'T want to be what I think I am and what my family seems to think I am...that is reality and what everyone else sees is me being a huge fake. I told him I am scared because if that turns out to be the case...I don't think I can handle it.
We also talked about how he wants to hear whatever is going on in my head...even if it has nothing to do with what we are talking about because then we can just go though to thought and come back around to the main point.
What I was almost in tears about yesterday was that it frustrates me to know end to be in this totally safe place and still have fear hold me back so much. He has proven over and over again that he is safe, that I can trust him, that he is going to be there...and I hate that I can't take that in and allow him to help me.
We had to take my grandfather to the ER again last night by ambulance. It was his blood sugar crashing again.
Needless to say, I am seeing Rob at 5:00 PM tonight.
I came home from church, called my mom and grandmother to wish them Happy Mother's Day and decided to take my meds as I forgot that morning. At some point I figured that if one was fine...more were better. It was a lame attempt and kinda realized what was happening before I took the whole bottle...but I was ready to die. I was worn out, yet one more person in my life was leaving...it was another of many losses one way or another in that past 18 months or so and I had had enough.
I failed. I had my final session with Marc and later that day entered the Psych. Ward at College Hospital where I had my favorite outfit stolen from my room, I was honestly way more high functioning that most of the people I was there with and short of keeping me safe until the feelings abated...did nothing for me. But, I had been there 8 years previous and I must have made some sort of impression on the Psychiatrist even then because he remembered me. Weirdness.
Yesterday was another one of those awful session with Rob that leave me twisting his words and what he was saying into condemnation of who I am. Was he agitated? Yup. Is he losing patience? Unfortunately...yes. Was he wrong about what he said about my motivation? Oh yeah...big time. As usual, it ended up being a really good thing and it got me to blurt out what is really going on without caring how stupid I sounded and what he may think. Then he teels me that what I told him just makes him "embrace me more." I mean I "get it." I do. He has NEVER judged me. His office is the safest place in my world...but there is so much fear and i don't get why.
In my post about my list of how I see me and how others see me is where the answers to all the questions I think. I so get that what others say doesn't mean I am that 24/7 and what I say I am PROBABLY isn't true 24/7. I think I stall, I clam up, and I seem unmotivated because I am afraid that as we strip everything else away that was much as I DON'T want to be what I think I am and what my family seems to think I am...that is reality and what everyone else sees is me being a huge fake. I told him I am scared because if that turns out to be the case...I don't think I can handle it.
We also talked about how he wants to hear whatever is going on in my head...even if it has nothing to do with what we are talking about because then we can just go though to thought and come back around to the main point.
What I was almost in tears about yesterday was that it frustrates me to know end to be in this totally safe place and still have fear hold me back so much. He has proven over and over again that he is safe, that I can trust him, that he is going to be there...and I hate that I can't take that in and allow him to help me.
We had to take my grandfather to the ER again last night by ambulance. It was his blood sugar crashing again.
Needless to say, I am seeing Rob at 5:00 PM tonight.
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Pudding...I Have Pudding!
It finally arrived! All 66 cans of nutritional goodness and the way for me to get in my second "eating episode" without blowing a gasket or barfing a lung...well...now the key is to separate the pudding from dinner. Yeah...like that's going to be easy. Bah!
The thing is, most people think WHY would anyone want to eat a 240 calorie can of pudding? Easy. It beats "real" food. Five ounces of kinda chocolatey goodness and lots of nutrition and none of that icky food in my body. Okay...this is just to help me GET to tolerate more than one meal a day and eventually ADD food...but the thought does not bring me happiness.
But, on the other hand...I guess I can't be afraid of food forever...right??
The thing is, most people think WHY would anyone want to eat a 240 calorie can of pudding? Easy. It beats "real" food. Five ounces of kinda chocolatey goodness and lots of nutrition and none of that icky food in my body. Okay...this is just to help me GET to tolerate more than one meal a day and eventually ADD food...but the thought does not bring me happiness.
But, on the other hand...I guess I can't be afraid of food forever...right??
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
The Car, My Mom, Etc.
Monday my mom quit speaking to me again because I hadn't called the DMV yet. It was anooying, it was stupid...but I still let it get to me. So, I got home yesterday and she started in again and I called. Just as I thought...they have not processed my Release of Liability yet as they are 60 days behind. But, as soon as it is processed I can get a copy no problem.
As crazy making my mother is...she is going through ^$%^& at work that is NO fault of hers at all. It should get interesting and hopefully her boss will get the boot...making the bakery a safe place for all! She had to call Rob to see if she could info from him that she may need (she saw hime ONCE and it was supposed to be for me...but given her own need for therapy...it was about her work stuff) in case it gets nasty. It was weird listening to her talk to him and not me!
I almost got the monthly lecture from Rob on Monday. It was a mini-lecture and everything he said was true. This is what I struggle with. Okay...I should wait until tomorrow because I have been beter about telling him first THEN blogging about it...but I need to get it out! Anyway, I have a simple statement to make. I know it is not a true statement, I know that it is from years and years of loss, etc. and I know it's obviously not a personal affront (people move, die, etc.)but my stuck point on Monday was, "Why does everyone want to leave me?"
I couldn't get the words out because I KNOW there isn't a whole lot of truth to it. But, as we come upon the anniversary date of Marc leaving, my mom and grandmother sharing with each other that they don't care if they died...I'm a little shaky about the whole thing. I get on a "head" level why I would say that and why it even makes sense that I feel this way...but the whole "core of my being" is convinced it is because of my badness, my unworthiness, etc.
Tomorrow that is what I will tell Rob. Then he will probably tell me how "profound" that statement is. The toad!
As crazy making my mother is...she is going through ^$%^& at work that is NO fault of hers at all. It should get interesting and hopefully her boss will get the boot...making the bakery a safe place for all! She had to call Rob to see if she could info from him that she may need (she saw hime ONCE and it was supposed to be for me...but given her own need for therapy...it was about her work stuff) in case it gets nasty. It was weird listening to her talk to him and not me!
I almost got the monthly lecture from Rob on Monday. It was a mini-lecture and everything he said was true. This is what I struggle with. Okay...I should wait until tomorrow because I have been beter about telling him first THEN blogging about it...but I need to get it out! Anyway, I have a simple statement to make. I know it is not a true statement, I know that it is from years and years of loss, etc. and I know it's obviously not a personal affront (people move, die, etc.)but my stuck point on Monday was, "Why does everyone want to leave me?"
I couldn't get the words out because I KNOW there isn't a whole lot of truth to it. But, as we come upon the anniversary date of Marc leaving, my mom and grandmother sharing with each other that they don't care if they died...I'm a little shaky about the whole thing. I get on a "head" level why I would say that and why it even makes sense that I feel this way...but the whole "core of my being" is convinced it is because of my badness, my unworthiness, etc.
Tomorrow that is what I will tell Rob. Then he will probably tell me how "profound" that statement is. The toad!
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Sunday, May 09, 2004
Mother's Day...
I wanna go home and stay there. I don't want to deal with the restuarant, I don't want to deal with my grandmother drinking almost a whole bottle of wine (you better believe I am having a drink...not that is solved anything...but who cares!), I don't want to have to get "pummeled" by my whole family over the car thing, I just want to go home and read my book and watch my Sharks pound Calgary. Is that too much to ask?
Saturday, May 08, 2004
I AM E-V-I-L...
My grandfather has never said anything remotely mean to me in my whole life. I take that back...once when I was 7 and I did something that ticked me mom off...he agreed it was a "ticked off" offense...but with all the other %%#( I have put my family through...he has never said anyhing bad to me or called me anything bad.
When he realized what I did about the car incident...he called me stupid. The one person in my family who isn't even related by blood (he is my mom's step-dad) that I thought loved me unconditionally called me stupid.
I want to purge the ugliness and evilness and "wrongness" out of me...but after 15 years that hasn't done any good.
Why does God keep me around?
When he realized what I did about the car incident...he called me stupid. The one person in my family who isn't even related by blood (he is my mom's step-dad) that I thought loved me unconditionally called me stupid.
I want to purge the ugliness and evilness and "wrongness" out of me...but after 15 years that hasn't done any good.
Why does God keep me around?
Thursday, May 06, 2004
"Profound" My Foot!
Seems to be that is Rob's new word to stuff I say. "That's a profound question," he says. "What you just said is very profound!" Ugh...I don't have a profound bone in my body!
The "profund" question I asked was simply how can what the people who are supposed to love me best and protect me be wrong about me and what others say be right? Granted...we can all be sneaky, phony, etc. at times. Rob claims to be the worst of all...suuuuure.....but I get that...we all have our human moments. But...that is what makes me phony, fake, etc. I am what my family sees...not what others see...what they see is what I want them to see so they don't see the other.
The second "profound" thing that came out of my mouth was that my suicide attempt and Marc's leaving still seems like yesterday. I was able to give him an almost blow by blow account of what thosw two days were like. I called him a couple hours ago confused because there are other dates that are just as "powerful" (i.e. being molested or the physical abuse from my mom) and I can't give dates anymore. I think his answer of me not being able to feel it all like it was yesterday instead of four years ago is to dive right in and talk about it. I'm trying...but it's really hard and I am so afraid of setting off red flags in his head that aren't there and he won't believe that because of everything else. But I guess that is where the trust comes in.
I get home today after my session and yet again my mother has opened my mail. All but my state tax return because she knew if she opened that there would be no way she could claim she thought it was addressed to her. Anyway, the bozo that bought my old car got a ticket and I got the bill.
All of a sudden she "knows" the kid was "higher than a kite" and she "knew you shoiudn't have sold the car but you were in such a &$^&I^ hurry." That was bad enough. The we went to the address on the citation and an lder woman answered the door...I was nice and calm and asking her questions and my mother is calling the woman a liar and saying stuff that I won't repeat her...but had I been in the woman's place and knew something...I so would not have said anything because of my mom.
Dummy me didn't make a copy of the release of liability...but I can get one from the DMV. My grandfather is going to ask a neighbor who works for the DMV. I thought it would easier to write down all the info for him so he wouldn't have to remember it all. I come into the house to write the info down and my mom is asking me for it. I tell her just give me a minute to write it down because it would be easier and that sets her off. I think I even said it would be simpler to just wite it down. Next thing I know...she tells me (I am inside the house she is outside)...well...screams at me to go F&$^ myself!
I'm fine...I am safe...but right now...death is looking really good because it can't be any worse than the hell I am living in every day. That's why I have days that I don't care if I purge because those are the days I am practically praying that it is that purge that will cause my electrolytes to go all wonky and my heart stops.
The "profund" question I asked was simply how can what the people who are supposed to love me best and protect me be wrong about me and what others say be right? Granted...we can all be sneaky, phony, etc. at times. Rob claims to be the worst of all...suuuuure.....but I get that...we all have our human moments. But...that is what makes me phony, fake, etc. I am what my family sees...not what others see...what they see is what I want them to see so they don't see the other.
The second "profound" thing that came out of my mouth was that my suicide attempt and Marc's leaving still seems like yesterday. I was able to give him an almost blow by blow account of what thosw two days were like. I called him a couple hours ago confused because there are other dates that are just as "powerful" (i.e. being molested or the physical abuse from my mom) and I can't give dates anymore. I think his answer of me not being able to feel it all like it was yesterday instead of four years ago is to dive right in and talk about it. I'm trying...but it's really hard and I am so afraid of setting off red flags in his head that aren't there and he won't believe that because of everything else. But I guess that is where the trust comes in.
I get home today after my session and yet again my mother has opened my mail. All but my state tax return because she knew if she opened that there would be no way she could claim she thought it was addressed to her. Anyway, the bozo that bought my old car got a ticket and I got the bill.
All of a sudden she "knows" the kid was "higher than a kite" and she "knew you shoiudn't have sold the car but you were in such a &$^&I^ hurry." That was bad enough. The we went to the address on the citation and an lder woman answered the door...I was nice and calm and asking her questions and my mother is calling the woman a liar and saying stuff that I won't repeat her...but had I been in the woman's place and knew something...I so would not have said anything because of my mom.
Dummy me didn't make a copy of the release of liability...but I can get one from the DMV. My grandfather is going to ask a neighbor who works for the DMV. I thought it would easier to write down all the info for him so he wouldn't have to remember it all. I come into the house to write the info down and my mom is asking me for it. I tell her just give me a minute to write it down because it would be easier and that sets her off. I think I even said it would be simpler to just wite it down. Next thing I know...she tells me (I am inside the house she is outside)...well...screams at me to go F&$^ myself!
I'm fine...I am safe...but right now...death is looking really good because it can't be any worse than the hell I am living in every day. That's why I have days that I don't care if I purge because those are the days I am practically praying that it is that purge that will cause my electrolytes to go all wonky and my heart stops.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Dumb, Dumb, Dumb
Why are memories such a powerful thing? Or maybe the better question is why do I allow memories to sweep me away and continue to disturb/overwhelm me at times?
This period of time four years ago was so difficult for me. The therapist I had started seeing October 1999 was the first one I ever let in (really let in) and he announced to me January 2000 that he would be leaving and finishing up his doctoral externship someplace else. He knew it was possibility, but didn't know for sure, but we still had about five months until he would be leaving. So, for the next five months every session was torture because each one brought us one step closer to his leaving...to HAWAII (Tripler Army Medical Center). Of course, it being an Army thing he has to serve like 4 years and he ended up in Tikrit and almost was blown up by a bomb 10 feet from where he was sitting is he hadn't have left when he did...but I think he is back in Alaska now.
Anyway, the closer May 17th came the more and more freaked I became, the more suicidal I became and the more I couldn't fathom being able to say goodbye and having it be like the 15th "loss" I had suffered in about a 18 months period of time...some of it was like Marc...people moving on, but some of the loss came in the form of death. No matter what...it was fast becoming one too many. Looking back, Marc probaably crossed some boundaries. Not in a bad way and nothing that I didn't appreciate, but in his attempts to do some "re-parenting," he made it that much harder to say goodbye. It was little things...phone calls to check on me when things were a little rough (without me phoning first), coming in on a Saturday if we missed a regular appointment when he was out of town, etc. He spoiled me.
I was in the midst of my self inflicted 60 day starve-a-thon. As I have looked back I think I was hoping I could be dead before May 17th and I wouldn't have to say goodbye. By May 14, 2000...it wasn't happening fast enough. It wasn't planned...it just kind of "happened." That year May 14th was Mother's Day. I got up, went to church, came home and called my mom and grandmother. I had forgotten to take my meds and so I decided to...after as nap. I took a nap, got up and the next thing I knew one pill became...well...more than one.
I called Marc and let him know and told him I don't think I really took enough to hurt me and I was going to sleep it off. I couldn't. I got on the computer and was IMing with a couple friends. I guess my typing became all "wonky" and my friend urged me to go to the ER. I did. I talked them out of admitting me. I came home to frantic messages from Marc. I tried to page him as he asked when I got home and he didn't call back. He didn't call back for the next TWO days. I think that really shows how our relationship wasn't your normal therapeutic relationship.
May 17th the guy I was seeing at the time drove me to the office and then was going to pick me up afterward. It was nice we were working together (at that time anyway) and he could do that. Marc and I talked through a little bit of what happened and I remember going over our time (came to find out he came in just for me...he was gone after I left) and then that was it. He said I could write to him after he had been gone 30 days.
There was a lot left unsaid and no closure because I couldn't handle to goodbye...especially one that dragged on for 5 months. It was easy to find him and while he waon't answer me...he doesn't care if I email him. So, I drop him a line about every 4-6 months...especially while he was in Iraq. I keep telling him if he wants to get rid of me he only has to answer a couple of questions he never got around to before he left. I guess he doesn't want to get rid of me because he never answers.
He told me that no one could not meet me and have their lives impacted (in a good way) and he was going to share how I had impacted his. It drives me nuts that he NEVER shared that. I also want to know what he was thinking in telling me about his leaving so far ahead of time.
This time of year always takes me back. Funny thing is, I really can't remember what he looks like...I can't quite remember what his voice sounds like...but I just remember "him." I think I am so stupid for feeling abandoned because I have such a wonderful therapist now and three months after coming home from remuda the first time...also had a great therapist.
I ended up writing him dozens and dozens of pages because the spokedn word failed me so much in those last months. It took me a few weeks to really put down what I was feeling about his leaving, it not being fair, etc. I told him that it was like I was in heart surgery...I am on the table and someone else can finish the job...but that person wasn't there for the first incision and didn't hold my heart in their hands.
I hate myself for still missing him and for the tears it brings thinking of him.
This period of time four years ago was so difficult for me. The therapist I had started seeing October 1999 was the first one I ever let in (really let in) and he announced to me January 2000 that he would be leaving and finishing up his doctoral externship someplace else. He knew it was possibility, but didn't know for sure, but we still had about five months until he would be leaving. So, for the next five months every session was torture because each one brought us one step closer to his leaving...to HAWAII (Tripler Army Medical Center). Of course, it being an Army thing he has to serve like 4 years and he ended up in Tikrit and almost was blown up by a bomb 10 feet from where he was sitting is he hadn't have left when he did...but I think he is back in Alaska now.
Anyway, the closer May 17th came the more and more freaked I became, the more suicidal I became and the more I couldn't fathom being able to say goodbye and having it be like the 15th "loss" I had suffered in about a 18 months period of time...some of it was like Marc...people moving on, but some of the loss came in the form of death. No matter what...it was fast becoming one too many. Looking back, Marc probaably crossed some boundaries. Not in a bad way and nothing that I didn't appreciate, but in his attempts to do some "re-parenting," he made it that much harder to say goodbye. It was little things...phone calls to check on me when things were a little rough (without me phoning first), coming in on a Saturday if we missed a regular appointment when he was out of town, etc. He spoiled me.
I was in the midst of my self inflicted 60 day starve-a-thon. As I have looked back I think I was hoping I could be dead before May 17th and I wouldn't have to say goodbye. By May 14, 2000...it wasn't happening fast enough. It wasn't planned...it just kind of "happened." That year May 14th was Mother's Day. I got up, went to church, came home and called my mom and grandmother. I had forgotten to take my meds and so I decided to...after as nap. I took a nap, got up and the next thing I knew one pill became...well...more than one.
I called Marc and let him know and told him I don't think I really took enough to hurt me and I was going to sleep it off. I couldn't. I got on the computer and was IMing with a couple friends. I guess my typing became all "wonky" and my friend urged me to go to the ER. I did. I talked them out of admitting me. I came home to frantic messages from Marc. I tried to page him as he asked when I got home and he didn't call back. He didn't call back for the next TWO days. I think that really shows how our relationship wasn't your normal therapeutic relationship.
May 17th the guy I was seeing at the time drove me to the office and then was going to pick me up afterward. It was nice we were working together (at that time anyway) and he could do that. Marc and I talked through a little bit of what happened and I remember going over our time (came to find out he came in just for me...he was gone after I left) and then that was it. He said I could write to him after he had been gone 30 days.
There was a lot left unsaid and no closure because I couldn't handle to goodbye...especially one that dragged on for 5 months. It was easy to find him and while he waon't answer me...he doesn't care if I email him. So, I drop him a line about every 4-6 months...especially while he was in Iraq. I keep telling him if he wants to get rid of me he only has to answer a couple of questions he never got around to before he left. I guess he doesn't want to get rid of me because he never answers.
He told me that no one could not meet me and have their lives impacted (in a good way) and he was going to share how I had impacted his. It drives me nuts that he NEVER shared that. I also want to know what he was thinking in telling me about his leaving so far ahead of time.
This time of year always takes me back. Funny thing is, I really can't remember what he looks like...I can't quite remember what his voice sounds like...but I just remember "him." I think I am so stupid for feeling abandoned because I have such a wonderful therapist now and three months after coming home from remuda the first time...also had a great therapist.
I ended up writing him dozens and dozens of pages because the spokedn word failed me so much in those last months. It took me a few weeks to really put down what I was feeling about his leaving, it not being fair, etc. I told him that it was like I was in heart surgery...I am on the table and someone else can finish the job...but that person wasn't there for the first incision and didn't hold my heart in their hands.
I hate myself for still missing him and for the tears it brings thinking of him.
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Panic!
Last night as my mind was swarming with everything as well as just plain being emotional I had a flipping panic attack!
I couldn't figure it out at first and then I realized, "oh...panic attack!" I am not amused. I hate having them when I am alone...but I was able to pull myself out of it...breathing is a good thing!
I just need to calm down and pretend the next two weeks are not important...that I didn't suffer one of the worst feelings of abandonment by someone (okay...not his fault...but still) during this time and that history does not need to repeat itself May 14th.
Yeah...and elephants (other than Dumbo) fly!
I couldn't figure it out at first and then I realized, "oh...panic attack!" I am not amused. I hate having them when I am alone...but I was able to pull myself out of it...breathing is a good thing!
I just need to calm down and pretend the next two weeks are not important...that I didn't suffer one of the worst feelings of abandonment by someone (okay...not his fault...but still) during this time and that history does not need to repeat itself May 14th.
Yeah...and elephants (other than Dumbo) fly!
Monday, May 03, 2004
The Day After...
It actually went well. I guess I shouldn't surprised, but I was. It was hard and I still feel incredibly shaky eight hours later.
He did say that he didn't press the suicidal stuff when i came came home because I truly did come back a bit better and I was making plans for the future. Okay...I was back in December when it was all going on. It is so hard because I will fight myself tooth and nail sharing that stuff with him again only because he made it clear contract or no contract we will not hesitate to call 911 is he thinks he has to.
There was just so much and there is so much left...I don't know where to start or contiue or "whatever." I see my dietitian on Wednesday and am really looking forward to it just to bounce stuff off her and listen to what she has to say about my "secrets."
One thing Rob said that I understand and I am trying to sort out for myself is this. Whenever I tell him about behaviors what he really wants to know is how I feel about what I did...how much it bothers or doesn't ME. Although 10:1 he has his own feelings about it...he is not going to "feel feelings" for me and he shouldn't. I have to just decide what I DO feel about the behaviors. Sometimes I care and sometimes I don't. Maybe I just share when it DOES.
The next two weeks are so memory filled I want to hide away someplace where no one can find me and then I'll come out May 18th like nothing happened. Okay...I know I cannot live in a fantasy world...but something in ME snapped this time. Nothing that has anything to do with my sessions with Rob or him at all...just my own stuff that I am trying towork through, but has me on very shaky ground.
He did say that he didn't press the suicidal stuff when i came came home because I truly did come back a bit better and I was making plans for the future. Okay...I was back in December when it was all going on. It is so hard because I will fight myself tooth and nail sharing that stuff with him again only because he made it clear contract or no contract we will not hesitate to call 911 is he thinks he has to.
There was just so much and there is so much left...I don't know where to start or contiue or "whatever." I see my dietitian on Wednesday and am really looking forward to it just to bounce stuff off her and listen to what she has to say about my "secrets."
One thing Rob said that I understand and I am trying to sort out for myself is this. Whenever I tell him about behaviors what he really wants to know is how I feel about what I did...how much it bothers or doesn't ME. Although 10:1 he has his own feelings about it...he is not going to "feel feelings" for me and he shouldn't. I have to just decide what I DO feel about the behaviors. Sometimes I care and sometimes I don't. Maybe I just share when it DOES.
The next two weeks are so memory filled I want to hide away someplace where no one can find me and then I'll come out May 18th like nothing happened. Okay...I know I cannot live in a fantasy world...but something in ME snapped this time. Nothing that has anything to do with my sessions with Rob or him at all...just my own stuff that I am trying towork through, but has me on very shaky ground.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Secrets...
I have been keeping a lot of those lately. Oddly enough...I have let my treatment in on those secrets and I was actually planning on sharing them here instead of with them. Bad choice. They know now...and I guess while they aren't total secrets anymore...they will absolutely NOT be anymore.
This is from an email I sent to my team:
I’m not even sure why I feel the need to say any of this…except for obvious reasons…it needs to be said and I’m not real good at doing this stuff face to face though I should be by now…but I’m not. But, I do think over the past couple weeks since my “implosion” and all that followed that I guess I’ve decided that I am going to say all of this no matter how stupid and idiotic it sounds and no matter how much I’m scared you are both going to think I am a blooming idiot.
I’ll start with the easiest stuff first…on Monday when we were talking about food and it being overrated and me not needing to eat (of course I left out the "or deserve to eat") I took what Rob said and decided that I was going to “run” with it. Funny thing is…by that I actually know how dumb it sounds…but I still want to get there. Rob said that maybe “they” were the ones with the problem and I don’t need to eat. Enter Mr. ED who informed me that Rob thinks I’m fat and I’d better take the hint and do what I can to stop the food intake. In fact, I drove around for two days trying to decide if I should call and cancel with Toni because if I’m not the one with the problem then why come and see you. Do I want to eat? No. Am I over the part about not seeing Toni? Yes.
Now the hard stuff which I even have a hard time typing out because the one thing I that keeps echoing in my mind is that it’s going to be doubted, my motives are going to questioned and as much as I don’t want to care what you think or if you like me or not…that’s the way I’m wired and so I downplay and edit and don’t bring stuff up that I should which doesn’t help anyone…but I don’t want a replay of December because things aren’t quite that bad…and I am so babbling.
I’d say that if I was saying this out loud, “I’d say this once, but if you bring it up I will deny it.” However, it looks there will be written proof…but it has been building for a few months now and I feel like I am going to explode if I don’t say anything.
By Christmas Eve I was totally spent. Between all the stuff that was happening with my mom and everything else that was going on with me…I was exhausted and tired of fighting with Rob over does he or does he not call 911. When we had the “showdown” on Christmas Eve I was tired of arguing about it. He was right and I knew it but there was too much at stake to let him call…but I didn’t think I had a leg to stand on that night…no matter what holiday it was…as much as I fought…I was convinced I wasn’t going to “win” the fight. I did. Still not sure why…but I did. I came home from WA and we talked about it once. I did come back from WA better than when I left…but by no means were the thoughts very far away. I decided that after Rob was so close to picking that phone up and didn’t that he didn’t believe any of it…so why even bring it up again?
I do have a couple friends who ask me the question from time to time and I do answer truthfully. They know that it’s still on my mind…but not near as much in December…the thought is there…not so much in the planning department. If I had to gone to Napa alone…it was a thought. When I went to see Jars of Clay…it was on my mind then as well…any chance that I am alone like that the wheels start turning…but I have no timeline.
Which brings me back to the food portion of all this. The IBS stuff before I left for Chicago was awful yet cool at the same time because it only happens when I am not using ED behaviors. However, I am not sure how much the trade off is worth it because getting cramped up hurts a “zillion” more times than accidentally nicking my throat with a fingernail. That’s why it was so easy to stop back in December…the pain that last time I had tried to purge was pretty bad.
I told Rob Thursday that I feel better when I don’t eat. I also told him if you ask people that were in my life 4 years ago if that were the case there answer would probably be different than mine. Like Robbie NOT wanting to walk with me (and not just on the breaks when he’d leave without me) because he was afraid I was going to pass out and he didn’t know what to do if that happened. In my twisted little mind all I remember is being able to workout and then walk a 1/2 mile with no problem, having enough energy to get through 8 hour days at work AND volunteer at Saddleback and going to Disneyland with Anna. Of course, if I think real hard…Nick also sent me home from work early on several occasions, I sprained both wrists when I got dizzy and tripped and fell in the parking lot at Saddleback and I almost passed out on Anna several times getting off rides so I quit going with her.
But, the pull to not eat seems so much stronger than any will I have to eat. It’s been almost 24 hours (longer really since I purged dinner last night) since I have eaten and I am not hungry and I don’t want to eat. My mom went out with the dog to my grandmother’s and she’ll be back and then food will have to happen…but after all I have said and all I have NOT said in the past few weeks…the message telling me I don’t deserve food…let alone enough to sustain life…is way stronger than the message that I have got to eat whether I feel like it or not…because I rarely feel like it.
I am going to wish I could take it all back come Monday.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Sleep...
Ever wish you could just sleep forever?
Okay...it's because I want to avoid stuff...but if the rapture came by Monday Noon PDT I would be very happy.
Okay...it's because I want to avoid stuff...but if the rapture came by Monday Noon PDT I would be very happy.
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