Tuesday, May 25, 2004

10 Reasons I Don't Deserve Food

I had my list written when I got home from therapy last Thursday. It was pretty much how I think we ended the session. So, I called him with it later that night and promised Rob I would bring it in on Monday.

I did. He was really great about letting me stall and talk about my weekend...but he didn't let it go on for too long and NO sports talk. So, I told him I hadn't looked at it since I called him. My weekend was busy (new puppy) and so I opened my notebook and was struck dumb. I looked at it and felt shame, vulnerable and very scared. He talked me through them slowly...one by one.

1. I'm bad
2. My family didn't think I needed food (I was put on my first diet at 6 or 7)
3. I am a beached whale
4. I'm a failure in therapy (didn't wnat to deal with that one in the moment and didn't tell him)
5. I'm a failure at following my meal plan
6. I'm a HUGE disappointment
7. I haven't done anything to deserve food
8. My list (What I Say About Me: Selfish, whiny, needy, fat, ugly, stupid, waste of space, failure, self-centered, weak, scared, lame, lazy, irrelevant, bad, defective, damaged goods, unloveable, inept, ungrateful, shallow, disgusting, boring, dumb, lame, disrespectful, mean, self-destructive, hurtful, vapid, airhead, repulsive, blob, a fraud, loser, incompetent.)
9. I need to be punished
10. I don't deserve anything good

As he pointed out...that goes way beyond the food part of it. He had me promise to come home and email him the whole list and I explained why I said #4. He emailed back and said ti wasn't true...but that is a whole issue we need to work out.

I realized one thing on Monday...I forget he is human at times. He says it, I know it...but he does not have memory I do. Something came up about motivation and stuff again and I started to tune out and go off to whever I go and stopped myself. After a few deep breaths and trying to remember very hard to use "I feel when XXXXX happens. I need you to XXXXXX." It was more of "I feel XXXXXXX and like I am not being heard because I have talked about fear and I feel like you don't believe me or keep forgetting." That was hard...but good.

I think so much happened when I first came home from Remuda (loss of 1/2 my income, having to move home, calling 911 FOUR times in 7 months, etc.) that I did allow it to send me into a tailspin...even if I didn't realize it. And, I don't think I am out. But...for TODAY...I can see things a little more clearly and my handy dandy little notebook is going to be a good thing...along with the blog.

So, Thursday we will talk more about the list and if we are going to use it as a template for our time and I will share the stuff I have further pondered about Marc.

I got a very wise email from a regular reader. What he said made sense and was confirmation about what I had been mulling over. I really want to share it all with Rob first...so y'all have to stay tuned!

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