Thursday, May 06, 2004

"Profound" My Foot!

Seems to be that is Rob's new word to stuff I say. "That's a profound question," he says. "What you just said is very profound!" Ugh...I don't have a profound bone in my body!

The "profund" question I asked was simply how can what the people who are supposed to love me best and protect me be wrong about me and what others say be right? Granted...we can all be sneaky, phony, etc. at times. Rob claims to be the worst of all...suuuuure.....but I get that...we all have our human moments. But...that is what makes me phony, fake, etc. I am what my family sees...not what others see...what they see is what I want them to see so they don't see the other.

The second "profound" thing that came out of my mouth was that my suicide attempt and Marc's leaving still seems like yesterday. I was able to give him an almost blow by blow account of what thosw two days were like. I called him a couple hours ago confused because there are other dates that are just as "powerful" (i.e. being molested or the physical abuse from my mom) and I can't give dates anymore. I think his answer of me not being able to feel it all like it was yesterday instead of four years ago is to dive right in and talk about it. I'm trying...but it's really hard and I am so afraid of setting off red flags in his head that aren't there and he won't believe that because of everything else. But I guess that is where the trust comes in.

I get home today after my session and yet again my mother has opened my mail. All but my state tax return because she knew if she opened that there would be no way she could claim she thought it was addressed to her. Anyway, the bozo that bought my old car got a ticket and I got the bill.

All of a sudden she "knows" the kid was "higher than a kite" and she "knew you shoiudn't have sold the car but you were in such a &$^&I^ hurry." That was bad enough. The we went to the address on the citation and an lder woman answered the door...I was nice and calm and asking her questions and my mother is calling the woman a liar and saying stuff that I won't repeat her...but had I been in the woman's place and knew something...I so would not have said anything because of my mom.

Dummy me didn't make a copy of the release of liability...but I can get one from the DMV. My grandfather is going to ask a neighbor who works for the DMV. I thought it would easier to write down all the info for him so he wouldn't have to remember it all. I come into the house to write the info down and my mom is asking me for it. I tell her just give me a minute to write it down because it would be easier and that sets her off. I think I even said it would be simpler to just wite it down. Next thing I know...she tells me (I am inside the house she is outside)...well...screams at me to go F&$^ myself!

I'm fine...I am safe...but right now...death is looking really good because it can't be any worse than the hell I am living in every day. That's why I have days that I don't care if I purge because those are the days I am practically praying that it is that purge that will cause my electrolytes to go all wonky and my heart stops.

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