Friday, May 14, 2004

Four years ago today, May 14th, I was sitting in church as it was a Sunday. It was pretty much a normal was Mother's Day. I was on Day 30-something of not eating...just water and Gatorade...and it was almost time to say goodbye to my therapist who was going to be finishing up his internship in Hawaii.

I came home from church, called my mom and grandmother to wish them Happy Mother's Day and decided to take my meds as I forgot that morning. At some point I figured that if one was fine...more were better. It was a lame attempt and kinda realized what was happening before I took the whole bottle...but I was ready to die. I was worn out, yet one more person in my life was was another of many losses one way or another in that past 18 months or so and I had had enough.

I failed. I had my final session with Marc and later that day entered the Psych. Ward at College Hospital where I had my favorite outfit stolen from my room, I was honestly way more high functioning that most of the people I was there with and short of keeping me safe until the feelings abated...did nothing for me. But, I had been there 8 years previous and I must have made some sort of impression on the Psychiatrist even then because he remembered me. Weirdness.

Yesterday was another one of those awful session with Rob that leave me twisting his words and what he was saying into condemnation of who I am. Was he agitated? Yup. Is he losing patience? Unfortunately...yes. Was he wrong about what he said about my motivation? Oh yeah...big time. As usual, it ended up being a really good thing and it got me to blurt out what is really going on without caring how stupid I sounded and what he may think. Then he teels me that what I told him just makes him "embrace me more." I mean I "get it." I do. He has NEVER judged me. His office is the safest place in my world...but there is so much fear and i don't get why.

In my post about my list of how I see me and how others see me is where the answers to all the questions I think. I so get that what others say doesn't mean I am that 24/7 and what I say I am PROBABLY isn't true 24/7. I think I stall, I clam up, and I seem unmotivated because I am afraid that as we strip everything else away that was much as I DON'T want to be what I think I am and what my family seems to think I am...that is reality and what everyone else sees is me being a huge fake. I told him I am scared because if that turns out to be the case...I don't think I can handle it.

We also talked about how he wants to hear whatever is going on in my head...even if it has nothing to do with what we are talking about because then we can just go though to thought and come back around to the main point.

What I was almost in tears about yesterday was that it frustrates me to know end to be in this totally safe place and still have fear hold me back so much. He has proven over and over again that he is safe, that I can trust him, that he is going to be there...and I hate that I can't take that in and allow him to help me.

We had to take my grandfather to the ER again last night by ambulance. It was his blood sugar crashing again.

Needless to say, I am seeing Rob at 5:00 PM tonight.

1 comment:

Cliff said...

What an awful anniversary, but it would have been far more awful had things gone worse.

You are having problems coming to grips with something that I also had a problem with, and still do, the "Who am I?" question. Am I what I think I am? Am I what others think I am?

The answer is not yes or no. I think the answer is that these are the wrong questions.

My feeling is that the right question is "Am I who God made me to be?"

The answer to that is always "yes." Even when, actually especially when, we don't think so.

By the way, coming to grips with this is easy to say, but I've yet to really get it :)