Tuesday, May 18, 2004

The Day After...

So, I got to sleep at 2:00 AM which has brought on a migraine...so it is just so wise I am the computer! HA!

I sat down last night to try and type everything out to read to Rob and get it out of system...to cry to ask for his help in getting rid of what I can only describe as a huge ball of pain in the center of my being...to try and come to terms that there will be answers about Marc's leaving I will NEVER know.

The "odd" thing about that is he CAN give me those answers and let some of it be over. I have tried. Okay...while he was in Tikrit he was little busy...almost getting blown up and all (no joke)...but he is back in Alaska and I asked him again to answer my questions. So, I need to come to terms that not only will I never have some answers but he is unwilling to give them to me.

I want to let Rob in...I truly do...but there is so much fear there. He has never done anything to remotely hint at I have reason to fear...quite the opposite...but there is something holding me back. I am really praying that since I am getting sick of that "something" that the anger at "it" is going to help me just do it. For me, loss of emotion/control in a session seems so unacceptable and I need to get over that.

It is NOT lack of motivation that is holding me back...it is fear...yer I really have nothing to fear.


No comments: