The Day After...

It actually went well. I guess I shouldn't surprised, but I was. It was hard and I still feel incredibly shaky eight hours later.

He did say that he didn't press the suicidal stuff when i came came home because I truly did come back a bit better and I was making plans for the future. Okay...I was back in December when it was all going on. It is so hard because I will fight myself tooth and nail sharing that stuff with him again only because he made it clear contract or no contract we will not hesitate to call 911 is he thinks he has to.

There was just so much and there is so much left...I don't know where to start or contiue or "whatever." I see my dietitian on Wednesday and am really looking forward to it just to bounce stuff off her and listen to what she has to say about my "secrets."

One thing Rob said that I understand and I am trying to sort out for myself is this. Whenever I tell him about behaviors what he really wants to know is how I feel about what I did...how much it bothers or doesn't ME. Although 10:1 he has his own feelings about it...he is not going to "feel feelings" for me and he shouldn't. I have to just decide what I DO feel about the behaviors. Sometimes I care and sometimes I don't. Maybe I just share when it DOES.

The next two weeks are so memory filled I want to hide away someplace where no one can find me and then I'll come out May 18th like nothing happened. Okay...I know I cannot live in a fantasy world...but something in ME snapped this time. Nothing that has anything to do with my sessions with Rob or him at all...just my own stuff that I am trying towork through, but has me on very shaky ground.