As My World Turns!

I so need to keep up with my blog. I think part of it is my commitment to try and tell a lot of what I would put here to Rob first. I think I have been pretty good about doing that. I also have my handy dandy notebook that I use expressly for stuff I need to tell Rob. That ends up here as well…but I forget sometimes.

So, my goal Thursday was to share with Rob all my Marc pondering and what I think I have figured out. It goes back to the last thing Marc said in his letter. I felt valuable without having to EARN it. He didn’t feel that was because I could produce big time in my job (pre doing ministry FT) or because as a volunteer the YP wanted to clone me or because I had to do x,y and z to earn that title. He thought I was valuable simply because I get up in the morning…because I exist.

Now, I did say he probably wasn’t the only one that may have felt that way…but at the time he let me know in tiny ways. I told Rob if he asked Marc and I what those ways were they would be different lists and Rob agreed saying you never know how something you do will touch another. Anyway, it took me a few minutes to read all that stuff to him. I was honest with him. I told him I came in the door knowing I promised to read it but that I no longer wanted to and I wasn’t sure why. I finally just picked up my notebook and read it to him. I am really glad I did it.

Things kind of went downhill from there though. We switched gears back to the reasons I don’t deserve food. Actually, first there was a lame-o joke about how many weeks until we have another “blow-up” session. I don’t think he realized how much that last go round affected me. I still trust him, I still feel safer in his office than anyplace else…but something “broke” in me that day. The thing is, I guess that means I must NOT trust him anymore…or it has been bruised I guess would be the better explanation.

The joke was funny (sort of) but it did hurt and I tried to cover that with laughing as I moved into the corner where the couches meet. He then asked me if I was serious about working through the list. I really am…scared spitless…but serious. He asked me about 3 or 4 times and I said yes. Then he said something that felt like a slap in the face, yet I can’t recall his words. It was something to effect of, “I was just checking because I don’t want you accusing me of making you feel like #4 on your list if we do this.” I cannot tell you if that is what he said exactly though and that bugs me. I think when he made that first joke; I laughed and tuned him out at the same time so when he said whatever it was it registered then I blocked it out. I felt the tears well up and then he changed the subject again and I didn’t react to what had just happened.

I left there feeling like a total joke and thinking he thought I put down I was a failure in therapy simply to hear him tell me I wasn’t. I only wish that were true. To me, the fact we these little monthly “blow-ups” because I frustrate him, show I am a failure. Then I felt really mad…but didn’t want to be mad because whatever he said he was JOKING…and I was so on edge. I wanted to cut. I wanted to slash at my flesh and let the blood run down my arms and allow me to feel at peace. But, I got online and chatted with friends for HOURS.

I had Friday off and woke up still very much on edge. I know I could have called him…even if I didn’t get why I was hurt…but I didn’t. I chose to purge instead…it really worked…not a good thing.

Today I knew I was going to have to tell him and tell him why. At 10:30 this morning I almost had a panic attack about the whole thing. So, we got to the point where he goes through the questions: Cutting? Purging? Restricting? I told him.

We talked through it…it was so hard to say why I purged. To me it was a “me” issue (I chose to react to whatever was said) and not because he “made” me feel a certain way. But, I finally told him and even he can’t remember what he said. He’s the one who also figured I was probably mad at him for whatever was said because I didn’t call or email him all weekend. Even if it is something really lame I usually call at least once between sessions.

I thought about it the whole way home and after he filled in one hole (the joke about how many more weeks until the next blow up) I went from there and tried to figure out the rest. I got home and wrote it out and called him. I felt I said way “too” much. He is my therapist…no such thing! But, that feeling is probably a good sign. I told him that I felt something broke inside me after the last blow up and it wasn’t because what he said didn’t need to be said, because it did…but there was “something” that snapped. I wish I had kept what I said because I forgot a lot of what I said to him.

Thursday I think we will be talking about this and about that session a few weeks ago. I came close in my VM to telling him about how mad I have been at myself for crying at that session…maybe it was the Friday session…since I told myself I would never let him see me cry again. I am thinking I really need to tell him that.

All of this is so NOT fun, but in the long run I think what is going on is only going to make things better…or kill me!