Sunday, May 02, 2004



I have been keeping a lot of those lately. Oddly enough...I have let my treatment in on those secrets and I was actually planning on sharing them here instead of with them. Bad choice. They know now...and I guess while they aren't total secrets anymore...they will absolutely NOT be anymore.

This is from an email I sent to my team:

I’m not even sure why I feel the need to say any of this…except for obvious reasons…it needs to be said and I’m not real good at doing this stuff face to face though I should be by now…but I’m not. But, I do think over the past couple weeks since my “implosion” and all that followed that I guess I’ve decided that I am going to say all of this no matter how stupid and idiotic it sounds and no matter how much I’m scared you are both going to think I am a blooming idiot.

I’ll start with the easiest stuff first…on Monday when we were talking about food and it being overrated and me not needing to eat (of course I left out the "or deserve to eat") I took what Rob said and decided that I was going to “run” with it. Funny thing is…by that I actually know how dumb it sounds…but I still want to get there. Rob said that maybe “they” were the ones with the problem and I don’t need to eat. Enter Mr. ED who informed me that Rob thinks I’m fat and I’d better take the hint and do what I can to stop the food intake. In fact, I drove around for two days trying to decide if I should call and cancel with Toni because if I’m not the one with the problem then why come and see you. Do I want to eat? No. Am I over the part about not seeing Toni? Yes.

Now the hard stuff which I even have a hard time typing out because the one thing I that keeps echoing in my mind is that it’s going to be doubted, my motives are going to questioned and as much as I don’t want to care what you think or if you like me or not…that’s the way I’m wired and so I downplay and edit and don’t bring stuff up that I should which doesn’t help anyone…but I don’t want a replay of December because things aren’t quite that bad…and I am so babbling.

I’d say that if I was saying this out loud, “I’d say this once, but if you bring it up I will deny it.” However, it looks there will be written proof…but it has been building for a few months now and I feel like I am going to explode if I don’t say anything.

By Christmas Eve I was totally spent. Between all the stuff that was happening with my mom and everything else that was going on with me…I was exhausted and tired of fighting with Rob over does he or does he not call 911. When we had the “showdown” on Christmas Eve I was tired of arguing about it. He was right and I knew it but there was too much at stake to let him call…but I didn’t think I had a leg to stand on that night…no matter what holiday it was…as much as I fought…I was convinced I wasn’t going to “win” the fight. I did. Still not sure why…but I did. I came home from WA and we talked about it once. I did come back from WA better than when I left…but by no means were the thoughts very far away. I decided that after Rob was so close to picking that phone up and didn’t that he didn’t believe any of it…so why even bring it up again?

I do have a couple friends who ask me the question from time to time and I do answer truthfully. They know that it’s still on my mind…but not near as much in December…the thought is there…not so much in the planning department. If I had to gone to Napa alone…it was a thought. When I went to see Jars of Clay…it was on my mind then as well…any chance that I am alone like that the wheels start turning…but I have no timeline.

Which brings me back to the food portion of all this. The IBS stuff before I left for Chicago was awful yet cool at the same time because it only happens when I am not using ED behaviors. However, I am not sure how much the trade off is worth it because getting cramped up hurts a “zillion” more times than accidentally nicking my throat with a fingernail. That’s why it was so easy to stop back in December…the pain that last time I had tried to purge was pretty bad.

I told Rob Thursday that I feel better when I don’t eat. I also told him if you ask people that were in my life 4 years ago if that were the case there answer would probably be different than mine. Like Robbie NOT wanting to walk with me (and not just on the breaks when he’d leave without me) because he was afraid I was going to pass out and he didn’t know what to do if that happened. In my twisted little mind all I remember is being able to workout and then walk a 1/2 mile with no problem, having enough energy to get through 8 hour days at work AND volunteer at Saddleback and going to Disneyland with Anna. Of course, if I think real hard…Nick also sent me home from work early on several occasions, I sprained both wrists when I got dizzy and tripped and fell in the parking lot at Saddleback and I almost passed out on Anna several times getting off rides so I quit going with her.

But, the pull to not eat seems so much stronger than any will I have to eat. It’s been almost 24 hours (longer really since I purged dinner last night) since I have eaten and I am not hungry and I don’t want to eat. My mom went out with the dog to my grandmother’s and she’ll be back and then food will have to happen…but after all I have said and all I have NOT said in the past few weeks…the message telling me I don’t deserve food…let alone enough to sustain life…is way stronger than the message that I have got to eat whether I feel like it or not…because I rarely feel like it.

I am going to wish I could take it all back come Monday.

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