Further Explanation...

I guess what I am getting at is that I can easily get on here and write out: "I am hopeless and wish I were dead." Then i could list the zillion reasons why I feel this way...and sit here and cry about it. But then I can walk into Rob's office and not say that. I've said it...I have gotten some of it out here...but I have to work through it THERE in his office.

Writing it here is all well and good...but if I don't share the same information with him...why bother going? Other than other reasons like feeling safe in his office.

We'll see. My guess is it won't matter at all...but who knows?

An Experiment...

For the next couple weeks, I am going to just be making "Blogger Idol" entries. Today we had another gut wrenching session that has left me exhausted...still convinced he is trying to find ways to terminate me without making it seem like he wants to and wanting to do what I can on my end to make our time more productive.

He said if he had his way he would take the blog, the YS Forum and email away from me so the things I say in those realms would be what I say to him instead. The blog isn't like that so much anymore...but he has given me a bit to think about and I want to see if it does make a difference in our time together...see if it causes me to make more phone calls to him and have him call me back or if I start to shut down.

I may just keep this more everyday "blah" stuff because it has become such a habit for me...but we'll see.

Freedom...Blogger Idol Week 2

I LOVE getting the topic Sunday morning when I get to the church. I have some uninterrupted time in the morning...before the "masses" get here to do some last minute prep and all that jazz...time to do this!

When I "ponder" freedom, the first thing that comes to mind is complete freedom from my eating disorder and other destructive behaviors that still weigh me down. I (and my therapist) question why I hold onto them, why I run back to them when I have a whole arsenal of tools to combat the urges and why it continually seems I take a few steps forward and then a few steps back.

For almost fifteen years I have held the label of "eating disordered." For close to that amount of time I have also been involved with Youth Ministry and then Children's Ministry as well. They have both very much become who and what I am. To step out in freedom and let ED go...I have no idea who or what I am. While I have experienced freedom for several months from ED and LOVED it...it seems to be a scary proposition. What is that freedom makes me selfish, what if that freedom shows me that I am the awful person that I see and no one else does? What if the freedom to not be scared of certain food, to not overexercise, to not cut my skin turns me into a shell of what I appear to be?

Then there is the flipside. Everyone says I am so gifted and how much more could I give and create if I was free from cutting and the eating disorder. I don't disagree. It can be very hard to imagine what life would be like when I can go into a resturant and figure out what to have, what to have on the side and what I look like if I choose to finish something. I pray for that freedom to come. I pray for the strength to get through what I have to get through to make that freedom a reality. I am so glad God sees the big picture!

"Tolrerate the distress," "use markers," "use ice," "set a timer," "distract" and GET OUT are all tools to use during a time when I want to engage in behaviors. Those are just a few out of the tons I have learned after two IP stays. I know them, I can use them...but very often when push comes to shove...instead of using them to give me freedom from the behaviors, I very often turn right back to them. One of my favorite ways to combat it is to do a pros and cons of tolerating whatever is distressing me at that moment. More often than not, I don't want to take the time...I want release and I want it now! If I sat down and did it to the point of it being automatic...I would eventually have freedom instead of a few "free days" in between my failures.

I can sit on the floor in Rob's (my awesome, total man of God therapist) office clutching Frederick (stuffed dog in his office) and waste time and I can also sit there and be "vulnerable girl" and cry my heart out. I need to do less of the former and more of the latter to reach freedom. Rob says it all the time...there is so much there and it needs to come out. Very much like Gollum, those things that chain me are "my precious" no matter the destruction it causes. There will be a session where by the end he is holding me in his arms and giving me the safety to let it all out. Then comes the sessions after where I crawl back into my cave...afraid to let the "precious" fully into the light.

Rob and I have been "together" for 14 months and I trust him and know that he is truly the one God put in my life to help me to freedom. I fight him, I test him, I make him laugh, I bring him goodies and at times do look forward to the day when he is no longer a part of my life practically everyday. Leaving also scares me.

To have freedom would mean losing someone I care about and who I know truly cares about me as more than a patient...who has said he looks forward to our therapy time. I think as I find freedom then those times could possibly be even better, but what if they aren't? Am I cheating myself not to find out?

Right now, freedom seems just out of my reach. I can see it and there are times when I can touch it...I just haven't grasped onto it yet. God is patient and loving and is allowing me to go through this for His purposes that are much greater than I can see, but there are days I wish He'd just allow me to wake up and have all the "gunk" be gone. He could. We all know that. I think my road to freedom is going to be a slow one, but I alsi know He is lighting the path for me.

Idiots R ME!!!

I was having a bad day yesterday. Partially because of the news about where Marc is stationed, partially because I chose to cope with stuff in my own ways and partially because of the medication. Until the side effects go away in a couple weeks I am going to be pretty keyed up about the littlest things.

I left a message for Rob yesterday and I thought he didn't call back. He tried at one point, but I must have been online. Later last night I sent him and email that basically said I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but why have a contract if he's not going to call back. I knew the minute I sent it I shouldn't have. He's not very happy with me right now.

I was just hurt that I hadn't heard from him by phone or email and I really needed him...not that I would have even known what to say...I just needed to hear his voice. I think after reading all that stuff about Marc and how much danger he's in being in Tikrit and all...my abandonment fears started to kick in...Exacerbated by the Provigil. Which is why I am freaking right now. I am afraid that Rob is going to get rid of me because I was an idiot. He's the LAST person I should be pushing away!

Former Therapist in Tikrit

I did a search on Google today on Marc. I know he is in the Middle East so with all that is going on...I really wanted to make sure he wasn't dead! Not only is he not dead, but his name has been in the news for months! I don't know where I have been.

There was a Staff Sgt. that was having a little PTSD after seeing a dead body of an Iraqi and some other stuff. He was sent to see Marc who is heading up the 85th something or other. He gave his recommendation and it was that the soilder have a couple days of no missions, etc. The Army sent the man home and was going to charge him with cowardice. They didn't have a leg to stand on because of Marc's report and I'd like to know where I was because I found reports internationally!

I was hoping he was not in Iraq, but I also know how few Doctors of Clinical Psych the Army has and he also has been interviewed about soilders coming home from leave and combat stress in general. As he said, there is no front and that is hard to deal with.

It's been almost four years since we said goodbye...but my heart does still break about it and I know how God used him to help save my life!

I HATE, Loathe & Despise FOOD!!!!!

Augh! I was in YS Chat and the subject went from Barq's root beer to food. The it's "sugar is bad" "run from white bread..." Talk about MAJOR trigger!!! So, I left. Now, I want to toss up dinner and cut...but I'm not going to. Not that I a huge fan of white bread...but a sandwich made from it a couple times a month is NOT going to kill you and sugar in moderation is okay. I don't know where these people get these ideas. I have a hard enough time eating without having to listen to everyone and their nutrition advice....even if it's not directed to me.

There are times I so miss the willpower I had to not eat for days and days. I am beginning to long for those days more and more. I was in control...I was accomplished. Now I am just a whale. The trade off is not worth it!

It'd Been Days!!!

The title just came to me as I realized it's has been days since I sat down to write anything. I can't remember how "It'd Been Days," came about...but it was "thing" some of my friends and I used in college for who knows what anymore!

Today was another "blah" session with Rob. Not quite sure why either. I was just not going in really wanting to to do the spill my guts thing. I know he doesn't believe me...but I just feel "there." Not partiuclarly happy and yet not especailly sad or depressed...just there.

He is happy that I haven't purged in almost a month and I haven't cut in a week or so I think. I don't see it as any big deal...I guess because the urges are there and while I am able to distract and use some of my skills to make it through...I don't spend a whole lot of time trying to figure out the whys.

I didn't mean to sidetrack him from the sexual abuse issue...but I did which was fine with me. I knew it was coming today and I just didn't feel like jumping into that pool today...I'm too much on edge with the Provigil. Thinking about it makes me want to cut!

Former RR Patient on American Idol!!!!

So, I am watching American Idol and there is "Scooter Girl." She shares her story that she was one anoretic (70 Lbs) and went to an treatment center in AZ and now she is healthy, beautiful and going to Hollywood! Yee haw!

There are several ED treatment centers in AZ, but of course, the only one that counts is Remuda Ranch! ;) I got online and sure enough, a friend of mine who went to RR after me was IP with "Scooter Girl (Nicole)." How neat!!!

My first thought goes to the adolescents that are in the LIFE program. They get to see very little TV, but when I was there last spring they got to watch American Idol. If she makes it to the group of 20 and further...what an awesome thing for those young ladies to see! Nicole is healthy, beautiful and seems as if she has an AWESOME sense of humor. What a great way to show them that recovery is so worth it for them!

Rob and I had a so-so session. They tend to be that way after a really intense session when I, as he says, have been really "vulnerable." Not sure what he meant...so we kept things a little on the light side...but I see things headed back to sexual abuse stuff. He hasked me if a day has gone by where I don't think about it. I told him that since we quit talking about it, I have tried not to think about it.

This is going to be so hard to start again...I don't ant to go there right now! But I know I have to!

Hehehehehe...

Which Colossal Death Robot Are You?

Provgil...I WANT My Provigil!

I need to be able to function. Sleep alone is not doing it which worries me a little...but once I get the lovely Provigil I will drive everyone nuts with all my energy!!!

Winnie is an interesting dog. She is a gray version of the dog in "As Good as it Gets." The cats don't like her and they outsize and outweigh her! Boo is usually a dog lover and even he is afraid of her. I guess it doesn't help that she chased him and barked at him until I was able to block her entrance into the room the cats are hiding out in right now! I'm jealous I can't be there to watch her play this morning.

I had one bad night on Friday, but got through it without cutting and Rob will be happy about that. Of course, it would have been nice of him to CALL me and process what was going on...but I suppose if I don't ask for a call back I'm not going to get one! You think he would anyway.

Since he could only fitme in at 3 tomorrow since he has that noon meeting...that probably means I am not his last for the day. I wish I were beecause then I get extra time! Then again, I have no idea where we are going to go tomorrow. I can't remember all we talked about Thursay. But, I can look here and find out!

Happy Sunday!

The 80s....

I am going to try this out and see what happens!

The 80s covers 5th grade through first semester my senior in college...from 10 to 20. I remember being at my grandmother's New Year's Eve that year waiting until misnight when I could hang up the 1980 calendar. That was the year I also broke my leg in three places! Fun, fun!

But, I think it comes down for two or three things for me in the 80s...TOYS, MUSIC and TRAUMATIC EVENTS!

Toys...

By far my favorite was Strawberry Shortcake! To this day, someplace in my mom's house I have the original dolls in theor Berry Carrying Case, the picnic set, Strawberry Shortcake's house AND the bakery! My friends and I could play for hours, pretending to bake pies, serve them to each other with the little plastic whipped cream piece. Forget the 1980 election, forgot the hostages...go Shortcake! Granted, I was 10, but it bugs me how unaware I was for the most part.

The Smurfs was the other biggie. Yeah, I was in Jr. High and all...but I think it was a girl thing!

The Music..

From Air Supply to Amy Grant...Depeche Mose to Wham! to Debbie Gibson to Tears for Fears to The Smiths and The Cure to Bobby Brown...my music tastes have always been all over the place. Having grown up on "Adult Contemporary" KLOK in San Jose...it was mainly Air Suppluy, Barry Manillow, Neil Diamond, etc. They turned into J. Geils, Michael Jackson, Duran Duran, The Police, Styx, Journey...the memories! Augh... Having "Open Arms" as "our song" with my boyfriend in 7th grade, thinking Styx's "Kilroy was Here" as the greatest concept album ever (ummm...."Tommy" anyone?)...

Now I LIVE for the 80s weekends on the radio. Cheesy bubblegum pop and all. I don't think I could have it any other way. As I always say...I am an 80s kid and proud of it!!!! From the music to the movies that made the music...bring it on!

I could have done without the trauma-drama though. My mom tried to off herself for the second time in her life, I was molested and tried my own lame attempt and my battle with an eating disorder began.

I look at all this and I think the 80s played a HUGE part of what I am now. The cultural influences, influences of my friends, my neighbors, becoming a Christian during this period...if it weren't for the weirdness of the "Greed is Good" 80s...who knows what I would have buried myself in to escape.

I look upon the 80s fondly...except the whole flourescent clothing thing. I like pink...but I think that fad carried it a bit to far. The leg warmer look, the off the shoulder "Flashdance" look...please let us not go back their fasion-wise...but remember the good times the 80s brought us!

Hmmmmm....

I am so NOT a liberal...but the rest pretty much fits!

"It is the chiefest point of happiness that a man is willing to be what he is."

You are Desiderius Erasmus! You have great love for others and will do just about anything to show it to them. You are tolerant and avoid confrontations, so people generally are drawn to you. You are more quiet and reserved in front of strangers, but around some people you open up. When things get tough, you like to meditate alone. Unfortunately you often get things like "what a pansy," or "you're such a liberal."

What theologian are you?

A creation of Henderson

Puppy Sitting!

My mom and I get to puppy sit this weekend. I am really excited because my mom wants a puppy and keeps changing her mind, so i am hooing this will nudge her to finally get one!

The Hertz Car Sales guy also called today and has two Pontiac Grand Prixs for her to look at! If whe likes them...the bucket o' bolts I am driving now is history! Yee Haw!

Other than that life sucks, I suck and I hate that word so why am I even using it???

My Therapist is a Dork...and I wouldn't have it any other way!!!!

Today I totally frustrated him...not on purpose...but I did anyway. I don't know why it is so hard for him to get that I am pretty NUMB. I laugh at the right times, I look annoyed, sad, etc. when I "should," but I don't have the feeling behind it. His reaction. "I don't buy that." Then I just quit talking because I don't know what else to say. Sigh...

I told him that I feel lazy, bad, need to be punished, etc. for my inability to go to work some days. Then he said something about the Bible...maybe what would God say about me not going to work. I dunno. Then I pointed out that there are several verses that say being lazy is BAD. I emailed them to him today. So, being bad I have to "punish" myself which means I cut because I have to keep myself in line and then it goes downhill from there.

Someday it will all be over and that day cannot come fast enough!

Couldn't Do It...

I couldn't make it to work today. I tried, but ended up sleeping until after 11. I see my MD on Monday and will have Provigil in my hands then. I can't wait because this is not good! I don't have the energy to even go back to the gym.

We had breakfast for dinner tonight and mom loved my french toast. We were supposed to do it last night...but she ate so much junk food at work that she didn't want it. That is so bad for me because when I plan on a meal then I don't have to worry about taking food out to thaw or anything like that. I wish she'd take time to think about all this. She also thinks everything I have to have has to be low/no fat, no sugar, etc. which shows she paid NO attention to my Family Week three years ago.

Augh!

The Latest...

My doctor will not refill any of my meds until I go see him again. So, time to shell out more money to go see him and get all my scripts as well as a new one for Provigil. I need to go back on it if I hope to be able to make it through a day of work. I am beginning to sleep through the night, but it is so not enough...not even close. The Provigil helps with that.

Downside: MAJOR anxiety when I first take it...like hour long panic attacks. After two weeks of that I'll be fine.

I spoke to the YP. He and his family live about 20 houses from me if that. I'll know more in two weeks. It pays $2,000 more a year. I'd so trade that for health insurance...but oh well! It won't mean I get to move (obviously) but it may give me a bit more breathing room.

Rob apologized for not really acknowledging that for me it does feel like this is in vain and that I'll never work with youth again and we talked about why I feel that way and it was good. The high school ski trip is this weekend and I am "dying" because I'm not going to be there.

Things still seem incredibly bleak and the feelings have not gone away to "do it." But, he seems to think it has passed and so I think I'll let him live in that reality.

Gym Time...

Tomorrow I am allowed back to the gym...for a whopping 45 minutes! This does not make me happy...but one of my goals with my dietitian is to learn to exercise moderately and NOT overexercise. Sorry, once I get used to the cardio machine...I can go 90 minutes easily! Sigh... We also have weights wheree I do upper body one day and lower body the next so I get 30 cardio and 15 weights. Blah!

My frame of mind still is kinda "out there," but there is always a little excitement when we start a new rotation. I need to learn to draw though! My angels are well...thank goodness they are for the 3 year old class and they only needed a template!

I have really slipped into an "official" major depressive episode which makes it all a bit worse...but at least I recognize it. Okay, the fact there were two days I could not get up for work and didn't get dressed for like 3 days this past week...BIG indicator...that and the escalation of all my self harm behavior.

On a positive note...the YP at the church by my house wants to talk to me! This lateral move would be OK and I think good for me...but I know that's all it can be right now...which is fine since I still feel so directionless.

Pointless..

I cut last night. A single cut on my arm amongst scars and as it bled a little more than I anticipated...it was the only cut. I told Rob today, "To look at it you wouldn't think it would have bled that much." Then we talked about the whys. I hate that.

I ran through the whys in my head and they all sounded dumb. He gave me a minute or two sit there and think about all of it and then I mentioned the stupidty of what I had to say. He said it wouldn't be stupid but important to him...blah, blah, blah...

So I told him. I can be going on in my day and as I told him in an email before my trip I then just start feeling pointless...I'm pointless, everything I do is pointless, existing is pointless, etc. He was happy I was able to tell him all that. Then I said, "So, I do another pointless thing and cut...but I wanted to purge."

He keeps talking about what God has planned for me and that when this season is over I'll be amazed. I told him that I don't think I'll ever work with youth again. I left out that I feel like I blew it so bad after my first trip to Remuda that I've blown my chances completely.

I just don't a have point for being anymore and I don't think he hears that...I don't know.

Back to the Grind...

It seems like ages since I posted and I guess it has! I returned from Washington on Monday and by Monday night was ready to take a plane BACK to Sea-Tac!!!

Seeing Rob practically right off the plane was good. We didn't do a lot of intense stuff...just catching up and talking a little about some of the things I emailed/called him about while I was gone and where I stood from my state before I left. Tomorrow will be right back to the tough stuff.

After three weeks of having to call him every few hours...it is weird not having to do that the past couple days. I like it, but it's strange because I got used to having that daily connection with him.

We agreed I can pursue the PT position here I found on the YS Boards, but that no full time yet...especially because that would mean a move and neither of us want that...even I am sane enough to know that would be disastrous!

I saw Toni today and she agreed to let me go back to the gym, but I am limited to 45 minutes/three days a week. Food goal is to begin adding a second meal or snack to what I am doing now...which is essentially dinner and hot chocolate in the morning.

I have been off diet pills for almost seven months now and yet I am really ticked about the ephedra ban..."just in case." I was on them off and on for ALMOST 15 years and while I had some dizziness, heart racing, etc., I never had major side effects and well...grrrr...

After getting away and having some time out of this house, I'd say my commitment to my plan is hovering around 60-70%...a big improvement...but I know I have a LONG way to go!