Well...SDI said no because I turned in the form so late...I had no idea Imonly had so many days so I am going to appeal. I am also going to call and see if I can just start it for this month (and re-file a claim) as I still am unable to work full time. God is good...but Deneice is scared.

Why is it when things like this happen the first thing that goes through my head is, "Do I have the meds to end it?" I don't consider that God has provided thus far, that He has not let me down...Noooooooooo...I try to figure out if my desire to just sleep is stronger than my desire to live for Him.

When I went thorugh the depressive episode at RLP I am not sure if they really believed I wanted to OD. What no one knows (until now) is that I WAS anticipating the extension that I didn't get. So, because I thought I'd have 15 extra days, I began to tongue my sleep meds. They NEVER noticed! Once I got turned down, I tossed them at the airport because it wouldn't have been enough and I really thought I was ready for all this.

Last night I really didn't feel "safe" at home (if you could see...well...let's just say the SI was pretty bad last night) and realized I had nowhere to go. Is that sad or what? So, I practiced my flipping deep breathing and prayed and turned on Court TV and fell asleep for about 3.5 hours. Got up and went to the gym at 5 AM this morning and did an OK workout.

I left my arms alone...but boy was it so very, very tempting...I did one cut in an out of the view of most people and that helped a little...besides the others. I dread showing Rob tomorrow, but I have got to be honest about it as well.

I am not sure how much more I can take!