Today Is????

Time is flying by! There are 15 events at the HP this month and I am working all of them. It's been a busy December so far. Last night's game rocked! They put me in my favorite aisle (even if it is a LONG way down for the aisle tours) and it was a great night to be there. I am weird. I really like the fights. Last night was a great one. The last five minutes of the game I have to drop down to the bottom to make sure people don't climb on the boards, etc. after the game. To be right on the glass is amazing. The fight breaks out and moves to my section. Glove, pads, helmets are flying across the ice. It was brutal, but no one was really injured. Best of all...Sharks won!

Last week I was on "vacation" because if I don't use my vacation time from the church I lose it. Last Wednesday I took the rain into SF and was happy I can actually get to where I need/want to go using public transportation. It may take a little longer, but when the weather is nice (and it was perfect in SF last week) it's not a huge deal. Having that time to myself and not having a schedule was also a great thing.

Even though we are in the midst of all the Christmas "stuff," things are a little slow for me in Children's Ministry. It's kind of nice. I am pretty much prepped for Sunday already so this week I am going to get stuff ready for January and start recruiting for Jr. Getaway Camp in March. Sunday was almost all music (adult choir, both kids' choirs and the handbell choir) and we kept the kids in church and all I need to do for this Sunday is cut out and glue a bunch of stockings together. I am trying Group's Bible Venture Centers for the first time and I really like it...at least on paper. We'll see what happens when I put it into action!

I am house sitting this week and even though I have to actually commute I like it. I also get to finish my Christmas baking so that's a bonus!

I sense things are going to get intense with Rob the next few weeks. Thursday I left a little down and it was just one of those things. I mean I am not going to leave happy all the time. Anyway, he took it as me being discouraged and I kind of lapsed into silence. I am not discouraged at all. It was a moment I was editing myself and chose not to sound like a broken record.

After some babbling and long silences I knew I had to say something and even though I have said it before...I think he actually got it this time. I was talking to him about the HP...the relationships I am forming there and the positive feedback I get from time to time. There is this older woman who totally rocks and she takes good care of me. I finally got a locker and she made sure it was an upper! On Friday my supervisor commented on my spirit and attitude whenever I work with him (supervisors change from event to event depending on where you are assigned and where they are assigned).

Anyway, I talked about the tension I live in when that stuff and the good stuff going on at church doesn't match up with how much I hate myself. It's not like I am doing any of the other stuff "on purpose," but it's like that part of me can't be real and I must be manipulating the situation even if I don't do it knowingly. As I was explaining this to Rob something clicked in my head. When I was a kid and would go over to a friend's house or something like that...the reports back to mom were always what a joy I was to have around, how helpful I was, etc. My mother would smile and nod and then when we were alone would pretty much berate me and tell me what a fraud I was because I am so lazy, etc. at home.

It's not that I don't want to resolve any of this stuff. Although, after having no urges for almost three weeks, I am really struggling right now and if I leave it alone the urges will go away. Not healthy...but just what I feel at the moment. Driving back to Cupertino, the urge to do something to punish myself was huge.

I know I have to process all of this and do the work, but I am so afraid when that happens my streaks could end.

Quick (albeing LONG) Post

Written last week:

It was either 2 ½ or 3 ½ years ago that Rob and his family went on a long weekend trip to Disneyland. When I saw him next there was a pink Mickey Mouse icon pen on the couch where I sit. I am guessing it was 3 ½ years ago because I sit on the other couch and in between that was the floor. Anyway, it was a cool little gesture and I love that pen. Or should IoveD that pen?

I was going to use it at the HP when I got hired, but found the Mickey icon was coming off in my pocket and I was afraid I’d lose it. It has been on our kitchen counter for a few weeks now so I can grab it if I need one. The other morning I was getting ready to leave for the church when I saw it in PIECES! One piece was missing and the rest was put back on the counter. My mom never said a word.

Today I finally asked her and she told me that she dropped it. No apology or anything. Then she tells me Rob can just get me another one. Ummm…no…not really and that isn’t even the point. If I hadn’t brought it up she wouldn’t have said a word to me. Is she two? I thought when you break something that belongs to someone else you tell them. This has ended up bringing up memories of a whole night of drunkenness and smashing of my things when I was a kid. It was actually an incident I forgot. The pen kicked off the recent memory of a music box I gave my grandfather several years ago that my mom broke as well. Her idea of fixing it was to glue the head on the base instead of the neck. Before I could fix it…she trashed it. HELLO…it was my first fairly expensive gift I could afford after I graduated from college. As I thought about that incident the “smashing of Deneice’s music box collection” came flooding back.

I must have been 5 or 6. My mom was drunk and she was yelling and screaming. I can’t remember who was there…but I think there was some man involved. She didn’t smash all of them and my grandfather repaired most of those that she did smash…but just like the pen that really isn’t the point. It is the absolute disregard then and now of anything that belongs to me. The same disregard that causes her to open my mail and go into my room whenever she wants. My next question is why did she have kids in the first place? I know the answer to that one…it was 1969 and she didn’t have a choice.

Rob said something today about my mom not getting something she needed from my grandmother. I 100% don’t agree with that because my grandmother put my mom first most of the time. I think it probably has to do more with her dad (not my grandfather…the man I call my grandpa…he is a gem) than my grandmother.

New Stuff:

Rob: Were you at church last night?

Me: Nope, I had to work the Pete Newell Challenge

Rob: I was at your church last night

Me: (laughing) I know

His office Christmas party was at our church. I’ve known about it for a few months and until I got the 2^nd job thought I would be there. Glad I wasn’t at youth group…that would be too weird.

I usually where shoes I can slip off and on easily when I see him because I usually sit “Indian style” on the couch or am in a kind ball type thing. Anyway, I had on tennis shoes I couldn’t easily slip in and out of so I sat on the couch like a “normal” person. I didn’t really like it and I guess he didn’t either. He told me that he didn’t care if I put my feet on the couch…so I did. It was funny. His words were, "Okay, now we're home." :)

Lately all we talk about is my mom. I think I am finally really willing (and able) to talk about a bunch of stuff when it comes to her. Most of it has to do with my lifelong role of “parent” rather than my mom being my mom. Saturday she went to make some of MY whole wheat pasta for her dinner (I was headed to work) and didn’t set the timer…she said she’d just “watch” it. I am guessing it turned into mush. I taught her how to use our oven timer. She still didn’t get it and she bought a timer. Did she use it? Nooooooooooo…

I lived away from home for about 16 years and she functioned. I guess. She can’t even do basic grocery shopping. Her idea of grocery shopping is bags of chips, Coke and frozen junk. The kicker for tonight:

Mom: “I left you some chicken. I ate some, but I had to throw it away because it made me sick.”

Me: “If it made you sick, why would I want to eat it?”

Mom: “Just because it made me sick doesn’t mean it will make you sick.”

I am house sitting next week for about 10 days. I so can’t wait! It will be great to get out of here for a few days. Kind of like extra vacation even if I am working.

There have been days the last few weeks that I really want to remind her what Lauren had her do at the end of my Family Week my first time at Remuda. Lauren had her “fire” me as her caretaker. It held while I was in So Cal…I mean for the first time she was really “mom” and not the other way around. I hesitated in moving back because I was afraid what would happen. However, when I moved back I thought I would have my own place.

This is going to be good work with Rob…but not easy work at all.

The Latest & Greatest

It’s been forever since I blogged. Not that there hasn’t been a lot going on…I guess I just don’t have words for all of it.

I still can’t explain how I just “snapped out” of the mood I was on after Amy’s suicide. It still seems very strange. I’m not complaining…but it is a little weird. It almost scares me. No…it actually does scare me. It seems so fragile…that is I do on thing “wrong” it is going to send me spiraling back down.

Thanksgiving went off really well. It was pretty much drama free and the Good Eats Roast Turkey again turned out great. My grandfather’s sister was back here from Hawaii and that was neat. I know my grandmother felt a little left out part of the day because my grandpa and his sister were talking about stuff she had no idea about but after years and years and YEARS of fights…I’ll take her being only a little annoyed.

I want to hold on to the “snapped out of it” because this is the first Christmas since 2000 I am kind of enjoying. Not that I have ever lost sight of what Christmas really means and the joy of that meaning has been under the surface each year, but I have really had a hard time with the “fun” aspects of the holiday. The stuff that makes kids smile and all that mushy, sentimental gook that we love so much. I have had a good time Christmas shopping and planning my baking between HP events.

We are about two weeks short of the 3^rd anniversary of my mom’s last suicide attempt. I thought about that today. I try not to because I feel like any tip of the scales is going to send me crashing again, but there it is. I can’t say that she’s better off than she was three years ago and that is not a happy thought. I still worry (a lot) at times that she is just going to give up. That is a huge problem.

If you asked me what the biggest stride I have made with Rob lately it would be that I can finally say out loud that I am perplexed that my mother can make it through the day. I feel bad about saying it, but it really is the truth. I am not sure how much of it is manipulation because she lived without me for 16 years when I lived in SoCal and Indiana, but I think I’m on to something. It’s soooo hard because she is 60 years old, trying to find a job with almost no skills. She has really fallen into most of her jobs and I am guessing, since she couldn’t even get on at Target, that she doesn’t interview well. She can’t use a computer, can’t work a cash register, etc. Oh…the fact that she can’t tell the difference between potato salad with onions and without onions (all you had to do was open the covered bowl and SMELL the difference) makes me question her intelligence.

I still haven’t quite dug myself out 100% of the hole I got in with food last month. It’s better and my appetite is slowly coming back (and I was sick for a good 2 weeks as well) and I am even listening at times, but it’s really hard. Toni and I are going to talk about menu planning on Friday. As much as I LOVE her little boy, I am glad he won’t be coming. We’ll get so much more done! One thing I am really realizing is I need structure. Working at The HPP helps with that structure since I know I need to eat before I go and stay hydrated. I ended up in First Aid again last week. They moved me into a new position (a lower aisle…woo hoo!!!) and the anxiety/excitement of it all caused me to almost throw up…again. I would have been fine, but an EMT saw me as he was making his rounds around the building.

I look at my RLP meal card and it still seems like so much food. I think the one meal a day I do eat is a lot of food so to almost triple it…ack! But, this is the last thing behavior wise I need to tackle. I haven’t purged in 26 months or cut in 25. Heck, it’s been almost two weeks since I have felt like doing either and that is a new feeling. There is still a ton of work to do on the emotional side. But if I can get myself to eat a little more each week, it will go a long way in helping me do the work I need to do…no matter how much that scares the daylights out of me.

My mom called a little while ago. Turns out she caught my cold. I'm not surprised. She wasn't feeling well last night and figured she's wake up sick this morning. Then she tells me she doesn't know here she got it. Ummm...I tried not to be around her...but a sneeze in the car could have done it! I know there are so many people sick around here that it might not have been me...but I am sure I am the guilty one.

I get one more day/night of rest before I work at the other job tomorrow. I am really thankful. I actually feel a little worse than I did earlier in the week. I'm still sneezy and stuffy and am blowing gross stuff out of my nose. I probably should have taken more than one sick day!

One Week Later...

...and I am still not feeling 100%. I think I stopped taking the Zicam too early. The box does say continue for the next 48 hours after symptoms subside and I ran out before the 48 hours were up...or even got here.

I am seeing a pattern. I had a bad cold last year but over Thanksgiving. At least I am consistent! Ugh...

Don't Know If I Am Coming or Going...

...but I get the distinct impression I could be standing here with a gun to my head and calling Rob and telling him and it still wouldn't sink in.

Just my ramblings from the past few days…

I need to snap out of this. I need to focus; I need to concentrate on “my” kids. I need to get ready for Biblemaniacs, Turkey Day, Advent and doing more Children’s Messages while my SP is gone. I need to focus on the Youth Group newsletter and the team of kids that will be putting it together. I have Jr. High girls that actually LIKE me and I need to focus on them and help them get ready to teach on the 12^th. I need to be ready to back up Tom on the 19^th. I have hockey games and concerts to work…guests to help whenever needed. I need to simply keep in mind that life goes on.

It is times like this I miss Marc. I miss it being more than OK to just sit on the couch for an hour and not say a word. Not that I ever did that…but the option was there. Right now I am fighting the urge to pick a fight with Rob to give me an excuse to walk away. Walking away would make some stuff null and void. I see this as a good thing. I did email him that little piece of info. Not that I heard anything back. I don’t know why I bother. If I could hop on a flight to Holland, MI and he’d see me…I’d be there. But that’s not going to happen so I need to just keep my mouth shut when I want to find some lame-o excuse to pounce on something Rob has said and twist it for my own use. I have a small arsenal stuff I can use now…but I still have enough sanity to not use it.

Seriously though, it has been a week. I found out a week ago today. I have had seven days to let it sink in, wallow a bit and now I need to push it aside.

My biggest problem is the food issue. That took off like a rocket and I am having trouble stopping it. I have no appetite, I feel sick eating more than a couple graham crackers with some non-fat milk or some popcorn. I am throwing food out and putting dishes in the drain board so it looks as if I have eaten. I told Toni I would try and eat and I am not sure if I lied or not. I have only dropped about 4 pounds this last week and that is no big deal in the scheme of what a cow I am, so I am not worried about it. I think I am probably eating a comfy 300-500 calories a day. I am pretty much golden until Thanksgiving.

I still haven’t self-harmed. Obviously I haven’t purged. Rob says neither of them are good coping mechanisms. They seem to be all I have and yet I refrain.

Rob says I can’t truly be numb…there is no such thing. So, that leaves me with nothing to say to him. He told me today that if I am still I this realm (Amy’s death) we can pick up there Thursday. Ummm…OK. I truly believe I could be holding a gun at my head and let him know and he still wouldn’t be taking me seriously. I know a lot of it is my fault. I don’t know what I need/want from him and he can’t read my mind. He tells me it makes sense that I am still like this. He agrees that as much as I want to snap out of it, it is not going to happen that way. However, could use some help in knowing how to even work through this.

I almost purged last night. In fact, I had my fingers down my throat. I couldn’t. After 25 months of no purging…I couldn’t do it. I am guessing had I not had to worry about bring found out I could have. But, my mom was still awake and so it didn’t happen. I then debated cutting. I have a welt on my arm, but I didn’t do anything.

I honestly don’t know what I am feeling anymore. If I had to actually use a word it would be dead. Except for the occasion of a sudden burst of sadness…I feel absolutely dead inside. That should scare me, but it doesn’t. If Rob is unconcerned than there is no reason for me to be concerned.

My dietitian asked me if I felt any guilt. I don’t. In hindsight, having Jars of Clay’s “Work” on her MySpace makes sense given what has happened. But, before Amy’s suicide it meant nothing when I saw it here. In fact, it may be on MY MySpace.

The Spanish speaking part of our congregation sells tamales each year. This year I actually could spend the $$ for a dozen of them and not sweat it out. This is sad because they were only $20. Anyway, I got them yesterday and they were finally something I WANTED. My mom made me take ½ of them to my grandparents. I know it’s not a huge deal…but I don’t want to eat and the fact that I was willingly eating them should have been a clue. Then again, this is my mom and I could weight 80 pounds and she’d still not get it.

Have I Hit Numb?

I am trying not to berate myself for being/feeling anything about Amy's suicide. But it is hard. I keep telling myself that today is the day I snap out of it...that I stop feeling whatever it is that I am feeling and DO something.

Work is getting done...but barely. It's not like she is the first person I have known that has died. She may be the first person that I know who has committed suicide, but I have known others who have tried (and failed) and that includes my mom's three attempts.

I keep thinking I have to be over reacting. I keep thinking that my relationship with Amy really does not give me permission to want to just lay in my bed or on the couch and do nothing. I can hear Rob's voice telling me that I am trying to minimize my feelings. He's probably right, but I think it keeps me from hitting the bottom of the pit I have been in long before I got the news about Amy.

Yesterday I broke down and bought a 12 pack of Boost. They will probably rot in the fridge in my office...but I thought I should at least make an effort. Yesterday I had a Pepsi at work and then came home and had two graham crackers and a glass of non-fat milk. I meet Toni for lunch today and I think we are going to have a showdown for the first time. I don't want food. I have no desire to eat at all. Give me coffee and I'm good.

I sat in Rob's office yesterday and couldn't say much. He asked me where I was stuck with all this? If he doesn't know then what is the point? I have been tempted to cancel next week so I could simply give in to everything and not have to deal with it for a week. It will just make it worse.

I think I am beyond tears at this point. I haven't allowed myself to cry and I can almost feel a physical wall in my being where all of the pain and sadness is pent up. Rob and I talked about how cutting will not help me cope with this in the big picture. There are moments that I simply do not care. I care enough that I have refrained...but my resolve is fading.

Working last night was good. Tonight and tomorrow will good as well.

My mom is so easy to fool. Isn't is sad I feel I have to do that? She asked me what I had to eat at work last night and I told her a burrito. I bought my Pepsi where they SELL the burritosI smelled the food...but who can eat a whole burrito in less than 15 minutes hen they are piping hot?

I figure I have a ton of weight to lose before I even hit the top of my range...so I have nothing to worry about for a long time!

I am trying to determine if I would feel like this had Amy died directly as a result from the ED. You know heart attack, body just shutting down, etc. I am thinking yes. I knew her. I have a CD she made me the last time I was at LIFE. I have cards and letters with her writing on it. I thought I had more pix of us. I know I have some from our RR Reunion in 2001...but I can't find them. I thought I had more from 2000...but I can't find those either.

I think I had a good two hours of functionality yesterday before I simply lost interest. Then I had a dinner to go to last night and even though I hadn't had anything to eat all day...I gained a ^$$##^$ 1/2 pound! I am not amused.

Crying is an issue. I won't allow myself much more than 30 seconds or so every few hours when I can no longer hold them back.

I haven't purged and I haven't cut since all this happened. Most of it is fear of Rob...but if that works then I am fine with that fear. I haven't thrown up at all, but it is hard to keep food down period. I was driving home after dinner last night and thought I was going to have to pull over.

I really don't even ask why because I get it. Getting it is probably not a good thing...but I do get it.

Thanksgiving is in three weeks and I don't want to cook...let alone eat any of it.

I am so thankful for my 2nd job. It helps a lot. It will be very distracting. I can pour all my energy into our guests and that's what they ask us to do...leave everything else at the door when we walk in.

I still plan on posting pix of Trunk & Treat. I was having problems uploading yesterday. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

I need to go pick up actual prints so I can do the bulletin board at church tomorrow (or today) and I think I need to break down and buy either Ensure or Boost. The calories scare me (how can so many calories be in such a little can/bottle?), but liquid is easier than solids. This is one time I am glad that I have PCOS. If I could lose weight like a normal person...I'd probably be in trouble.

Clueless

I am the first to admit I am not dealing well at all. It is surprising and yet not. Rob says it is very similiar to veteran's of wars. They may not be in constant contact, but they fought side by side with one another and when one of them is gone it does leave a hole. I emailed someone else I was at RR with to see how she was doing...she and Amy had been pretty close at the ranch. She is in just as much shock as I am about the whole thing.

There will be moments when I am okay...that I can do what I need to do, but then all of a sudden a wave of sadness comes over me. I haven't been doing a great job of expressing that sadness. If it happens when I need to be "functional," I can force myself to stop tearing up. Other times I try not to start crying because I am afraid I am not going to stop.

Monday I was working the "Boo Bomb" concert and it was a great distraction for hours! I had a couple scary moments that literally left me shaking...but I survived! I was kicked. It was truly an accident. I don't think the guy even realized he kicked me. I have a nice bruise now. I was also kinda surrounded at one point by a bunch of guys who decided that their form of "dance" was best done while touching me. That just sent me into shock more than anything. I was able to push them away and get them back in their seats...but I was literally shaking for a good 15 minutes afterward. Considering the music isn't anything I usually listen to...most of it was okay. The language didn't even get bad until Ludacris and E-40. Or at least I didn't notice it until then.

Last night was Trunk & Treat...pix to follow later. It was hard to get through. I didn't want to be there and it took me a long time to get into it. I did and it was fun and it was great because I sent post cards out to our VBS kids and a couple showed up. That was pretty cool. They are revved up for VBS 2007! That was good to hear.

Rob said something on Monday about this bringing up stuff about my mom's attempts. It really doesn't. He is missing the boat on this one. I am fine...I am safe...this isn't sending me over the deep end. That being said...it actually brings up more of my own ideation and that maybe Amy has it right. I do know that is wrong...100%. But it does go through my head that if someone who had so much going for her can check out...why do I keep going?

My birthday stunk as usual. My mom claims that the store made a mistake on my cake (not that I wanted much of it anyway)…but I am guessing (as she has had ½ of it by herself) she didn’t. I also specifically asked for carrot cake and it was all chocolate. I ate a piece because I had no choice and she pretty much has polished it off. “Whatever.”

We got home from my grandparent’s house and my mom went out to drop something off for a friend of hers. I decided to check my email. Amongst all the junk mail was a post from the RR Alumni Yahoo Group I belong to. It was from another member letting us know that Amy K. committed suicide Tuesday. I met Amy when I was at RR the first time. We were in the same Home Group and so we had all out therapy groups together. Although I am older than she by 12 years…she was the one who calmed me down after my body tracing in our Body Image group, told me I could ride a horse and even more. The memories have been flooding back all weekend. She missed a therapy appointment and I am guessing her therapist sent the police. They are the ones who found her.

“We” all know that EDs carry a mortality rate of 20%. I think the stat is death from the ED…not suicide, but I could be wrong. Either way, it is a huge shock. Amy and I hadn’t talked for awhile. She approved me on her MySpace not too long ago and I checked it out last night and I left a comment on the 13^th just to say hi. I checked her Live Journal Friends to see if I could find out anything new and there wasn’t anything. It sounds as of her best friend in NM had no clue it was coming.

I’m not dealing well. I’m holding my own, but by a thread. As long as I am busy or asleep I am OK. I almost lost it during church this morning, I taught this morning and that was a good thing. I think I might have had to leave. My mother’s reaction was “What sent her over the deep end?” Gee…thanks for the compassionate response, Mom. I called Rob yesterday and left a VM. I guess he’ll get it tonight or tomorrow morning. Once he is gone on Fridays I have no clue when he checks messages again. This is the one time in a very long time I wish I was seeing Greg or Marc…at least I could page them if I really needed to. Okay, I never did even when I DID need to…but I think this is one case when I would have for sure. I see him at noon on Mondays so it is only a few more hours…but it’s a few too many.

The 2^nd job is going well. I got my first FOCUS (I can’t remember what that stands for) token for going above and beyond on the job. Not bad for less than a month! I really didn’t think I did anything above and beyond…but if my supervisor says so…I am not going to complain. It was kind of cool to get one. I am working a ton in November and I’m glad. I mean it doesn’t pay a lot, but it allows me to not have to choose between treatment team and paying stuff like my car insurance. Besides, it’s fun for the most part! We got discount tix for Disney on Ice. My family and I went Friday for $20...$5 each. Our seats were $25 seats! It doesn’t happen all the time, but it is a nice perk.

Tuesday is Trunk and Treat at church. I wish I could say I am excited about it. I think I was until last night. Now all I want to do is crawl into a ball and shut everything out. Not practical and it is not going to happen, but I really wish I could.

Am Mad As...??????

I don't do mad. I just don't. I also know that is a huge lie. There is no way possible to not get mad from time to time. I veil it in irked, bugged and other "polite terms" and for the most part I don't indulge in a lot of anger...but this weekend I finally, finally, FINALLY admitted to myself and then on Monday to Rob that I am mad at my mom. He asked me for what. I told him I didn't like to use the generalized "everything," but that about covered it. I'm mad about the abuse (of all kinda), I am mad because I have spent most of my life being her parent and I am sure there are other reasons.

This has very much been a huge thing for me and a not so good one. I spent the better part of Monday and yesterday trying to keep from cutting, trying to keep from using objects to hurt myself that I normally stay away from to try and deal with it. Now I know that had I used behaviors that would just add to the guilt, but there are times you really don't care. I think working the game last night helped. I was at the south doors so I was greeting people, helping them and then saying goodbye. We also won. The night just helped me focus on what I needed to do to give out guests a good feeling and, I will say it...I am so wired for this job!

I do struggle with the emotion. I struggle with not knowing how to "do mad." Growing up, anger was always (and I do mean always) violent. I know I don't have to do anything violent...but I think anger and I see out of control. At this point I am too tired to care either way.

Food is still really difficult. I almost flipped out at breakfast yesterday. We had a staff breakfast before our calendar meeting and it was hard to eat. I really haven't lost a lot a weight since the last almost 10 pound drop a few weeks ago. My metabolism is so messed up! Anyway, I guess I was wearing something that made people notice who didn't before. I always deny it. There are times when eating with other people sort of freaks me out. Yesterday was one of those days. I did okay...I "played" with my food for a bit, but I ate. I also managed to gain 1.5 pounds since yesterday. I know that isn't possible because I know what I ate and all the walking/standing I did at work, but it plays with my head.

Saturday I will be 2 years self harm free. While I didn't start self harming until AFTER my first stay at RR, it has been the hardest behavior to stop. I guess restricting is actually the hardest because I think I have only one 4 week period in the last 3+ years years that I have actually had three meals a day. I see it as less destructive because I am keeping the food down. I also know that it is still not good for me.

I think it's the depressive episode I am still in the middle of...but today is one of those days that I think the ED is going to kill me one way or another.

???????

I’m hiding. I have been convincing myself that I am okay…that I am returning to “normal.” But, I did something tonight that Rob tells me to do a lot…take a deep breath. Out of nowhere I just sat here and took one deep breath and in that breath, I felt/saw what is really going on. The tunnel is a little less dark…maybe a little less a black hole than it has been, but it is there in all its dark glory.

Things are better because I am eating a little more than I have been…but it is not all a food problem. I think I had myself convinced that because my mood improved a little bit that I was okay. I am so NOT okay and the awful thing about that is I still have no idea why. I really have no good reason to be depressed. I have no bad reasons either. But it is there…as certain as I am that I will wake up in the morning it is there.

It’s now morning! The way I see it is it stinks that I have major depressive disorder and yet at the same time I am able to handle the depressive episodes without meds and without jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. Before that freaks anyone out…I would never do that anyway. While I know that I have almost 100% chance of it working…the pain before the dying…no thanks! The fact I can kinda make light of it is also a positive thing.

I am 9 days short of two years of no self harm and 16 days away from my 37^th birthday. Neither ones thrills me all that much. My hate relationship with food stems from a lot of things and one of them is the fact food is a life sustaining thing. It’s scary to admit that is a problem for me. It goes against everything I know to be true as a Christian but the reality is that there is a huge part of me that hates the fact I am alive and eating makes it worse. At least I am not quite as disappointed as I have been that I wake up each morning.

My aunt called drunk last night. Toward the end of the conversation she told me to remember that I am always #1 with her and with my uncle. It took so much not to ask her if that was the case, why my uncle insists on having a relationship with the man who molested me. I get it…they have been friends since childhood, but that just makes it worse. I know I need to get beyond that little point…but it hurts a bit.

I feel like I am in limbo some of the time. Last Monday I walked out of Rob’s office feeling pretty good for the first time in a long time. I had shared with him what had happened at God Night. I did the closing prayer and it was no “big deal.” I know they have value…but I really don’t like to write prayers out ahead of time. It’s just not me. So, as I took in the night (with the good stuff and the stuff I don’t agree with theologically) I tried to at least prepare a bit so I wouldn’t get up there and stumble. While I do announcements on Sundays, it was my first time praying in church outside of being with the kids or youth. At the end I had a few people come up to me and compliment me on the prayer. Okay…that was a little weird in itself…but still nice to hear.

There was something else that had happened that week as well and I can’t remember what anymore. Rob made some comment about God sending me a message. Point taken. I left there and for the next 30 hours or so I began thinking that maybe I wasn’t a complete loser. That changed after I got the email from Debra. I still can’t put it in the right words…but I think after that I was really mad at Rob for about 30 seconds. I felt like he had me almost convinced that I wasn’t a loser…that I believed what he was telling me and getting my hopes up that I have been wrong about me and then in an instant it was gone. I say about 30 seconds because I snapped back to reality pretty quickly. Then, when Steve and I had that talk on Wednesday it pretty much reaffirmed all that happened Sunday and Monday.

Rob and I talk about (or he does) what Paul says…that we should have a sober estimation of ourselves. I know that also means it needs to be realistic. What I feel seems real…it often plays out as real…if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

I think so much of the time I repress emotions and what I feel about stuff because if I allow myself to feel what’s there I am going to get angry. That is such a dangerous emotion for me. I have not very often seen healthy anger but have been on the receiving end of it many times. I have seen how it can be destructive and how it lashes out. I know I have the safety of Rob’s office but I still won’t allow myself to let go.

Ministry "Stuff"

I haven’t talked about ministry stuff much lately. I haven’t because there isn’t a whole lot to say. My role has been reduced to sitting there and being with the kids and then doing whatever Debra needs me to do. That is fine because I love “my” Jr. Highers, but I also feel like I am not doing anything. The hardest part is kids and some parents coming to me to ask about events and stuff and me telling them to ask Debra because I don’t know anything. There isn’t a whole lot of communication going on between Debra and we volunteer peons. I also know this is still an adjustment period for her so I have hope things will improve. There are a few parents concerned with the JH/SH meeting together, but that’s not my call either.

So, I have been told: “Hold off on the Jr. girls Bible Study. I'm trying to get mentors together and really desire for non-staff members to interface with the group. I would prefer that you act more as an advisor so that we encourage greater volunterism among the congregation. I also need to draw closer to the Junior Highers and will probably take them under my wings for a time so that I get to know them more spiritually. The youth are spread thin as it is and to add another layer might be stretching them. I hope you understand and not loose your zeal to interface with the Jr. Highers."

The youth groups lead our final “God Night” on Sunday. It went pretty well. It was a little scattered and kids who once had parts no longer had them because they didn’t show up to YG the last Sunday in September when Debra had to redo the whole night. That caused some tension.

In Children’s Ministry I am gearing up for Trunk & Treat and I have almost 10 cars. For us, that is GREAT. I am aiming for 15. We are hosting Group’s VBS Jump Start in March and so that is on back burner and always in the back of my mind. The rest is just “routine.” The kids will be learning about Peter & Cornelius in Biblemaniacs and Jesus as Messiah in Children’s Church.

My First Night Solo...

Saturday night I was "thrown to the wolves" and worked my first event alone. It was the last pre-season Sharks game and there were 12,200 expected. A whole lot more than the 4,000 or so that were there for my training day. I got there early, got my employee ID and picked up my info sheet. I made it down to "the cage" for briefing and then went to my spot.

I spent the first part of the night scanning tickets. I encountered my first rude guest toward the end. If you bring in a stroller, you need to check it in (no room in the aisles) and then you may get it when you leave. I was handing the family off to my supervisor when a rather rude season ticket holder made an issue of me helping the family. I was polite, but what I wanted to say was, "If you had shown up 10 minutes ago you wouldn't be rushing to your seats just before the puck drops!"

They then sent me to my section. I was in the upper bowl (woo hoo...I got to see the game!) and had a good section. There were three guys that I had my eye on because they were downing drinks at a fairly good clip...but they stopped at the beginning of the 3rd period. I did my aisle tours, made sure my section observed hockey etiquette and picked up the Gatorade bottle that was a tripping hazzard.

Toward the middle of the 3rd period there was a great fight! They broke it up and then I did my last aisle tour. I came down and was watching the game and all of a sudden I felt absolutely ill. I really thought I was going to be sick. I went downstiars and Shannon, who was kind of floating, was walking by. I asked her to watch my aisle for a minute so I could just splash some water on my face. Just then our scheduling coordinator came by and I spent the next hour in First Aid. I was just really dehydrated. I had only had one can of Coke all day. Ooops! Lesson learned.

There is a bigger picture than Saturdays incident. I know that there is still some food obsession there...I can struggle with what to eat, when to eat, if to eat, etc. I am not beyond throwing food out to make it appear as if I had eaten a meal...but I don't think I realized until then just how much energy/time is still consumed with all of this. That it still remains a lot deeper engrained than I thought. I think it explains why I am not all "rah-rah" about being two years purge free.

I was thinking about it on my way home from Rob's and can honestly say it's not remotely weight related. That always plays a part...but it still continues to amaze me that this is NOT about weight. It comes down to me needing to figure out a way to stop hating food. Actually, it means I have to stop resenting food for being a life sustaining need.

There's a Homeless Man on The Lawn

So, I get to the office about 7:15 AM and there is a homeless guy sleeping on the front lawn of our church. This is not too surprising as we get homeless/transients all the time. When I first got here someone managed to get in the building and we had no clue. It explained some of the weird noises I heard and my missing sleeping bag!

Saturday was my first day on the job. Passed my quiz, took yet another tour of the Pavilion (and will probably STILL get lost), took tickets (and checked bacgs), worked and aisle and now will be thrown to the dogs at the last pre-season Sharks game on Saturday. I am then working the first four sharks games, three of the four Harvest Crusade events (woo hoo!) and this thing called the Boo Bomb. I didn't get Disney on Ice and I am bummed...but I am sure that is a seniority thing.

More later...I need to get actual work done!

My Job, My Family...

I had orientation for my job at the HPP on Wednesday. The money isn't bad and my point of taking the job is so I don't have decide between what are truly needs...not wants. Okay, the 30% off at the Sharks Store is a great perk I admit that...but I just found out about it on Wednesday. We are #2 in customer service in the NATION for our type of venue and they only hire on average 1 in 10 who apply. Twelve made it through to this round. Tomorrow we got for more orientation (including a test) and on the job training.

I don't want to rewrite stuff with the visit with my aunt and uncle so I am going to paste some posts I made that will give you the basic idea.

Tonight with my family was disaster and now my mom and aunt are out drinking. I am honestly not going to hide her meds because as much as I want to...I am tired of this. I am the designated driver (fun, fun) for them so I dropped them off and a hotel downtown and told them to find a nice bar there. Ugh! So, two drinks turned into them FINALLY calling me at 2:15 AM to go pick them up. Of course, I get there and the downtown is deserted since by then it is nearing 2:30 and everything is closed. It is one of those time where it is a good thing San Jose is truly one of the safest big cities.

For once I didn't 100% keep my mouth shut. It fell on deaf ears (although I will hand it to my mom...I think she only had 2 drinks and stuck to Coke the rest of the night...but she had 2 margaritas at dinner to begin with as did my aunt), but I did make it clear that they told me 2 drinks and that 2 drinks turning into them being out 5 1/2 hours and not where I dropped them was not fair to me and that it was a good thing I was already taking today off. I am taking it off so I could finish my Orientation packet. My aunt kept telling me not to be mad and my mom said it was no big deal.I am so glad I can't go to dinner with them tonight because I don't think I could keep my mouth shut in front of my grandparents.


There are times when I really think I truly hate my family.

I think I mentioned the scene my grandmother caused in the restaurant last night? I just got off the phone with her and she brought it up. I explained that it wasn't so much she was calling her estranged DIL, Bootsie (whom I have never met as well as my Uncle Pat) a "rhymes with witch," but that she did it more than once, she was loud, we were in a public place and there was another family in our section of the dining room. My Uncle Mike didn't even disagree with her...he just really didn't want to dredge up the past and we went through this drama the last time they came down. I said I didn't like it either, but it didn't really bug me until she started swearing loudly with a family with a child in the next booth.

Then she tells me she has taken a lot of (expletive) and all her life she has gotten the short end of the (expletive) stick, the kid has probably heard swearing before (not the point) and she can (expletive) well say what she wants to when she wants to. Plus, my mom uses that language all the time. True...it's like living in a rated R movie with gratuitous swearing but again...beside the point.

My mom excuses it to my grandma is almost 86 and will die soon. So, when we are close to our time we can throw common decency out the window???

On a positive note, yesterday was 23 months no self harm. Lately us has for sure been a conscious choice and I came close last night...but I was OK.

As Rob and I talked about all of this it comes down to I KNOW things are not going to change...they really won't. I know God can do anything...but I also know He may not do anything with my family. However, because I know God can do anything I continue to hold onto what amounts to unrealistic hope and that really is damaging.

No Surprises Here...

Your Linguistic Profile:

70% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

5% Yankee

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Last week my mom went to a job fair thingy at the Pavilion to be an usher. I drove and it was either sit around for up to three hours or be bored. So, I applied. I wasn't dressed to interview and I didn't put 100% into it (at first), but I made it through the first round. While I waited for intervew #2 mom was still waiting for #1. They called her and about a minute later I was called. They then took me to take a personality inventory "thingy." I came back and mom didn't make it to round 2. Yipes! On friday I learned I am one of the newest ushers at the HP Pavilion! Training starts tomorrow...if I can quir playing phone tage with the trainer and find out what time I need to be there!

I really am excited about this. I don't want to work a ton of hours, but it will give me Christmas money and not have to worry about paying for treatment or paying my car insurance. If I work 30 hours a month I'll be happy.

It is "funny" I will use the word depression here, but I can't with Rob. I think it is because when it is this bad it has never ended well and I don't want to give him "ammunition" by using the "D" word. But, we are working through it. I have been having a very hard time accepting the fact I can be enjoying something (i.e. youth group Sunday night) and yet have this underlying deep depression at the same time. Gee...the fact I can actually articulate any of that to Rob is a step in the right direction.

The new YD said something Sunday when she was talking about her son leaving for Iraq in the beginning of the war. She was upset (she hadn't seen him in a while) because he as closing up their St. Louis home and heading to war. She was sad and she was worried. Made sense to me. Then she basically said (I am paraphrasing) that God told her she can't/shouldn't feel any of that because her son was just on loan from Him. On some level I get that. Yes, all kids are on loan and she needs to trust in God's protection, peace, etc....but she is also human and she was having a human raction. If she dwelled in that worry and sadness there COULD be a problem...but if it is in the moment...well...she is feeling those things.

I think I cracked Rob up when I said I wanted to tell her she's human and those emotions are normal. He asked me what it was like to ant to say those things. I told him that I was thinking, "Rob doesn't think I am listening to him...but I am!"

It is still frustrating for him because I don't know where to start when I walk in there and lately I forget what we talk about. I left Thursday and was kinda not grounded. I was present yet not for the rest of Thursday and part of Friday. It was scary, but at least I didn't 100% dissociate.

Food is still an issue. I really haven't lost all that much weight, but enough to be noticed by some. I had a parent ask me Sunday and I admit it...I fibbed. My aunt and uncle are here from WA and we went out to dinner last night. I ate maybe 1/4 of it, but was able to hide it and make it seem as if I ate a lot more. Of course, now I have a ton of leftovers I have to deal with. I am supposed to eat at least once and we are going out again tonight so I don't know what to do.

Where I Am....

I always feel like I am whining when I talk about where I'm at...that is part of my problem.

Being pushed and prodded I have figured out (well...am admitting) I am in this deep, dark hole that feels like a no win situation for me. There is a part of me that knows that isn't true...but that's what it feels like.

I also learned that saying I feel bad is OK. It's a "duh" sort of thing, but let me explain. My first time at Remuda when we had our home groups we did a feelings check in. We had to be specific and "bad" would not have been specific. In my twisted little mind, six years later, I subscribe to that theory...one step further: If I don't know what "bad" means it doesn't count and isn't valid. Typing it out and even saying it on Monday I realize how lame that sounds...but there it is.

So, I have been minimizing how depressed I have been for the last couple of months. I have managed to pull myself together every morning and function and work and all that...but all I have wanted to do is go home and sleep and not leave my room. I "should" be happy I have been able to fight it. I "should" realize how many people have things worse than I do. However, I guess I use that so I can minimize what I do feel and to convince myself I don't have a reason to feel what I do.

For some odd reason I feel a lot of shame (I think) in saying I am really depressed. Ummm...I have major depressive disorder and will have times of depressive episodes...but I don't think I am convinced of it some of the time. It's funny because I know I am not making it up and yet I feel like I have to be because I can't find a trigger for it.

The biggest sign has been in the area of food. I actually had to shake hands with my dietitian that I would eat something before dinner and it has to be an addition. In other words, I can't eat carrots and then take risotto off my plate at dinner. She knows me way too well. I know we are supposed to do all this for ourselves, but as we talked yesterday it became very apparent that my sense self preservation has gone out the window. She asked me to do this for her. It goes against everything that Rob says about having healthy control...but I also know I am on this slope and I am losing ground fast.

It is so hard to describe how strong the urge to NOT add food truly is. I have always thought that those of us that restrict (whether or not we purge) have this definite superiority complex in the area of food. "Ha, ha...you need food and I don't." How lame is that? That feeling of "power" or maybe it's more accomplishment is very heady.

What I am finding is that restriction doesn't make any of the feelings go away. Heck, it doesn't even numb them anymore...not really. I know I am at the point that I either start really talking through all of this or just give up. Rob was really close to making me take a break and then I was able to spit out the whole feeling bad thing. After that he was able to really guide me through the tunnel, what that means, how I feel about it, etc. I think we hit on something that is going to work until I can express that stuff myself.

Joseph Calandrillo

Joseph Calandrillo is someone I don’t know…but is someone that many people knew and loved. He was one of the almost 3,000 killed five years ago in the terrorist attacks. He was working in the North Tower when American 11 hit floors 94-98. The company he worked for had offices in both Towers…all who were in the North Tower were killed.

As I was researching who Joseph was it was evident that he enjoyed his job at Reinsurance Solutions International, part of a larger company called Marsh & McLennan, with 58,000 employees worldwide. One article I found said that his last employee review was found among all the debris that “flooded” the streets of lower Manhattan. It said in part: “ Its blank business language said little about his life but indicated he was good at his job. His goal was to become proficient at newly assigned accounts. His accomplishments included reconciliations on co-broker business gone direct. But there was also this: Perfect attendance. Joseph Calandrillo got to work on time.”

His wife had this to say after 9/11: “Everyone always said my husband and I had a marriage you didn't see," she said. "We were always laughing and having a good time. We were best buddies. Our marriage was our greatest success."

Mrs. Calandrillo characterized them as a "Green Acres" couple. She loved the city; he loved the country. They lived in Brooklyn for a while and then, five years ago, moved to Hawley, PA. "I had my turn, so it was his turn," Mrs. Calandrillo said. "And I grew to love the country."

For Joseph, it was love at first sight and while it took his wife a little longer…it appears they would have been together for many, many years to come if it had not been to 9/11.

I found memorial sites that were set up for people to leave messages for the loved ones of those killed in all four sites five years ago and over and over again what I read about Joseph was that he was a great guy. He loved his wife, loved his job and loved people. He was a good friend. Those are qualities that we all should strive for.

I wish I could have found more information. I looked and looked, but many of the tribute pages contained the same exact information. Joseph was a loving husband who was killed on 9/11 at the age of 49. There are details about his remains…but I won’t repeat them here.

His wife has that piece of paper that was found months after the attacks and has saved it along with items sent by people throughout the country. As the first anniversary approached, his ’91 Oldsmobile was in the driveway and his sneakers in the den. She is active part of getting the memorial built at Ground Zero.

It’s impossible to forget where we were when the planes hit. I had just moved to Indiana and drove my grandfather to the airport for his return flight to CA that morning. He made it to Chicago and then was getting ready to take off when the airports were shut down.

I can’t imagine what Joseph’s wife felt as she watched the Towers collapsing and knowing that her husband was there. She had a last meaningful kiss from her husband that day. Something I am sure replays in her mind from time to time. Something I am sure she grateful to have had as they parted ways that day five years ago.

Take Me Higher

Take Me Higher

(Jars of Clay)

It took a lot to turn away,
Blood and water from one side.
It took your eyes to stare me down,
It took the truth to set me free, to set me free.

Lookin for a place to hide,
Waitin' for the wind to rise,
My soul is waiting,
Lookin for a place to hide,
I need a little peace tonight.

Take me higher than the sun, yeah you are the only one
Take me higher than the sun, yeah, yeah.

Around the ceiling of the heart,
Is where we find the things that send us away,
to where the blind can see the stars.
So do you see the stars, do you see the stars?

Looking for a place to hide,
Need a little peace tonight.

Take me higher than the sun, yeah you are the only one.
Take me higher than the sun yeah, yeah.
Take me higher than the sun yeah you are the only one.
Take me higher than the sun, yeah yeah.

Take me higher than the sun, you are the only one
You are the only one, you are the only one higher than the sun.

Sorry for the lack of real blogging. As usual, Jars of Clay say it better than me.

Work

(Jars of Clay)

Just in case
I will leave my things packed
So I can run away
I cannot trust these voices
I don't have a lot of prospects
That can give some kind of peace
There is nothing left to cling to
That can bring me sweet release

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
That's taking all this work

Do you know
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"

Empty spaces
Shadows hit by streetlights
The warning signs and weight
Of tired conversations

In the absence of a shoulder
In the absence of a thief
On the brink of this destruction
On the eve of bittersweet
Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out
Every word they speak
Every word they speak

Do you know
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"
What I mean
When I say
"I don't wanna be alone"

I have no fear of drowning
It's the breathing
It's taking all this work

Razor Wire

The session before I went to Big Sur Rob asked me to really think about where I was at, what's going on inside, etc. I didn't ignore it...I just didn't share when I got back. As I thought about it...what came to mind is that I feel like there is a huge ball of razor wire in the center of my being and that I am not sure what it worse...having it there or trying to untangle it becomes each barb makes breathing hurt.

Food hasn't been going so well and went into yesterday only having had some nachos (and not finishing the order) about 6:00 the night before at the American Idols Live tour(which was awesome). I know better...but I have zippo interest in food right now.

Anyway, when I come in with nothing in my body it isn't good and the session was really rocky and he began his lecture. At the end he said he knew I had something to say so he was going to give me the time to say it. I did. Then came the part that has kept me from sharing it the past two weeks...the very next thought that goes through my head when I think about telling him all this is that he's not going to believe me. By this time I'm crying and I told him that thought is totally unfounded...he has NEVER given me reason to think he doesn't believe me.

So, I gave us a new starting point and I dread it.

On a positive note...my grandpa and I are going to the 49ers game tonight!

Mural

I am so bummed...I thought I had downloaded all my pix from the mural and I didn't. This is just one side. I'll take new pix of the other wall.

Lock-In Pix

I am missing one of the girls because she managed to duck the camera all night. I'm really bummed.

I Survived!

The Lock In went very well. It went really, really, realy well!

We started off at the church getting the kids' stuff in the Jr. High room. "P" was late so one of the mom's said she'd drive the kids to house #1 and we left a note for "P" to meet us there. He actually arrived maybe 10 minutes after we did which wasn't bad! The first house was appetizers and the family went all out...potato skins (from scratch), cocktail sausage thingies, veggies, fruit and soda. The kids forgot they had two more houses and really dug in!

House #2 was our main course. It was a chili cassrole type dish with the cornbread baked on top. We also had spinach and grapes. The kids sdid well...but were still a little on the full side from house #1.

House #3 was within walking distance of house #2 so we walked to get ready for dessert. One the menu were sundaes and mini-chocolate chip muffins.

After our feast we headed to Laser Quest for three games of laser tag. My gun didn't work the first round and by round three I was ranked 11th. Not too bad. It's been three years since I played.

We came back to the church and "C" called his mom (he wasn't going to stay all night and changed his mind). She brought his stuff and his X-box that we hooked up to the big screen in the Bible Times Theater room (it looks like a movie theater and we use it for our elementary program). So, "C" and "S" settled in there while the other guy, "G" stayed with all th girls to watch "Mean Girls." Unlike "S" and "C," "G" playes multiple sports and multiple competitive teams and I am not sure if his family even owns an X-box, Playstation, etc. The movie ended about 10 minutes to 2:00 AM and we shut it all off and went to sleep. We got the kids up at 7:15 to start getting them ready to head home at 8:00 AM.

I'll post pictures soon. The Jr. High group is small but has always been "guy heavy." This is the first event in recent memory (which goes back 4 years as of 9/1/06) where the girls out numbered the guys. A couple "regulars" didn't attend and in some ways that was good for the three guys who were there. So, while I missed them, it worked out great!

One of the girls asked me when the next one was going to be! HA! That isn't up to me anyway since I am just a volunteer. But, the kids did give me suggestions that I will pass onto Debra. She joined us for one round of laser tag (the high school lock-in was going on as well back at the church) so the kids could meet her and get the chance to take shots at her in the game.

I am one of those youth ministry freaks that LOVE lock-ins so after a month or so of rest I could do it again...but we probably won't do one again for another 6 months or so!

Tickers...

Lock-in Prep!

This Friday is our final summer "fling" with a lock-in. The advantages of a small group is that we are starting off with a Progressive Dinner and then heading to Laser Quest for three rounds of Laser Tag. Then it is back to the Jr. High Room for snacks, movies/sleep and then I start waking them up at about 7:30 AM so they will be ready to leave by 8. We were averaging a whole 4 kids during the year and maybe 7 this summer at Pool and Praise...we have double that coming this weekend. "G" is bringing 2 friends, "M" is bringing one which is AWESOME because we have had a hard time getting her involved in Jr. High (then again...her older bros aren't involved with high school ministry either) and "C" is also bringing a friend. For one of the 6th graders this will be his first Jr. High event and I am so excited about that.


Debra (the new Youth Director) will join us for Laser Tag...but it is pretty much in the hands of me and Paul. It is looking (right now) that she will spend the majority of time with high school and Paul and I will lead Jr. High. There is a parent meeting next week, but I will be at the American Idols in Concert thingie. It's confusing trying to figure out my role for now on. All I know is she wants me to stay on board and that's the important thing. I ove my Junior Highers...especially the 6th graders because I have been with them for almost FOUR years as it is. The running joske is that they are "stuck" with me for three more years but then I won't be able to see them go and will jump ship to high school. I don't think so. I think I am staying put. Then again, who knows what God has in store?

Big Sur

Rats!

After being able to volunteer for one glorious year at NYWC I got turned down. I am so bummed because that was the only way I was going to get to go. I thought I did a good job last year.

I'll post more when I have time to sit down and write a proper post along with pictures!

Big Sur was great and I could have used a few more days. Coming back was not a good thing (except for work) and I am a stress monster already.

It was good to see Rob again, but we kind of didn't do a whole lot other than talk about my trip. I am sure we'll jump right back in on Thursday. I was really close to actually saying my mom made me...well...I was able to say "really irritated." Believe me...that is progress!

I got to church Sunday and "my" mural was almost done! I'll post pictures after I recharge my battery!

My Week...

This has been an interesting week:

1. Monday night Marshmallow went chasing after a cat he thought was ours (they look alike). It was the stray that comes over here from time to time. Marshmallow charged in and they fought…the DOG lost to the CAT. The dog only weighs like 5 pounds, but it’s still kind of funny. The cat either dug in a couple teeth or claws and we had to take him in Tuesday to have him checked out. Poor Marsh is scared of everything now. It’s so sad.

2. Wednesday I went to go see “World Trade Center.” It was good…not as in a good piece of entertainment but good as in how we can spur one another on and what happens when we don’t give up. Tribute the human spirit and focused on the men…not on everything else that was going on. If they didn’t see it, Stone didn’t show it so we never saw the planed go into the WTC. This was not a bad thing. We saw what the families were going through, what the rescue workers were doing and how amazing it was the men lived. I didn’t cry until the last 15 minutes or so…but it wasn’t sad tears. I left the movie and good ‘ol TJ Holmes from our local NBC affiliate was there with a cameraman. We made eye contact and he asked me if I just cam from WTC. I said yes and he asked to interview me. I said okay and we did about 7 minutes. I knew if anything was used it would be about 30 seconds. My Communications degree kicked in and I know I gave him good sound bytes (not that I tried…but it was a natural thing…stick a microphone in my face and I give you a sound byte you can use). During the 5:00 PM news they ran the story at the end of the ½ hour and it was part of my interview. I had to leave fro Pool and Praise, but they re-ran the story at 6:00 PM and from what my mom said it was a longer piece with part of another interview and extended footage of me. I looked like a flipping whale.

3. Thursday Rob asked me what I felt when I was hit as a kid. I sat there for a couple minutes and conjured up times I was hit and it was like watching a movie. I told him I could see it plain as day and I know that it’s me getting hit…but I can make NO emotional connection with it at all. It was the first time that we ever talked about me disassociating when the abuse happened. I never thought about that. Rob isn’t the first one I have said that to. “Everyone” else said that made sense, but I don’t remember delving any deeper into it. Of course part of me thinks that maybe it’s not a BAD thing that I can’t connect the emotion to the action. I told him I’m not sure which one I preferred…the physical abuse or the verbal/emotional. I think I choose the physical.

4. Friday I went and bought a new (larger) cooler for my camping trip, a cool party grill/camp stove thing (we have one, but it doesn’t work right and I’d rather not chance it), a couple books and some sample size stuff (i.e. Wet Ones) to make packing easier. I am doing laundry now. I always want to over pack…but I’m not going to. I need a pair of jeans for riding, my overalls and another pair of jeans to have on hand. I also want to bring my other overalls and another pair of jeans…but I’m not going to. Other than horseback riding I am just going to relax and read and take walks…I don’t need every piece of denim I own! Or do I????

Oh…AND MY MOM DIDN’T PASS HER PROBATION AT WORK. She wasn’t catching on fast enough. Ummm….couldn’t hey have told her that and given her a shot to improve before the time was up? Sigh…

I got the tent out and put it together to make sure I could do it on my own. It took maybe 20 minutes because it is a two person job (last year I had to ask someone for help). It can be done alone…it’s just not that easy. It’ll be a breezy 75 next week so I won’t freak when I can’t do it right away. Monday I bought an air mattress and a lantern (with lots of batteries) so I am set. I wish I could leave sooner…I can’t wait to get out of here!