Day 30...

Well after 28 days I was finally taken off all monitoring...thank God! Right now there are a ton of people on meal supports and a lot of restricting going on which is triggering and that's the last thing I need.

To be honest, I am so sick of doing it their way. In the two weeks that I have been compliant, I have GAINED six pounds! I don't NEED to gain weight. I am so supposed to be LOSING weight. I am so frustrated and I DON'T trust Kim (my dietitian) anymore.

I am also no longer numb. I miss numb...numb was good...okay maybe not...but I am having an incredibly hard time dealing with them. I got switched from "Stress Management" to "Emotion Regulation" and I am so happy I asked my therapist about that. That means I have groups/therapy with her for like 4 hours on Mondays. Totally worth it.

My session with Rob were taken from me when I was self-harming and I filled the void my going to the gym. I earned the right to go and that is good. Except I am over exercising. Their way isn't working...I feel like I have to do something.

There is a few MHTs here that are a gift from God and I am so thankful for them. I trust them probably even more than Betsy (my T)...well Aaron at any rate. He needs to become a T...much better then law school and he is probably my #1 encouarger. Debby (another MHT and someone I can really trust) and I agreed we need to find someone just like him only 10-12 years older! I wish he'd bring in a picture of his wife...I want to see one so much! There story is so incredibly sweet.

Anyway, again I am in Rec. Art (or as I like to call it "wreck art") amd want out NOW! I cannot stand this group because my art is drama and this thing and Creative Memories..."real" art...not my thing!

I suppose I should go...I have no clue if anyone even looks at this...but since my brother added a link to this I figured I might as well!

Day 8...scary monsters. I am on just about every type of food monitoring possible...except after meals because I am 12 days purge free! However, I am still not finishing my meals and they won't let me leave the cul-de-sac yet...grrrr....arrrghh...

I am able to do sessions with Rob by phone which is a blessing. I love that man and miss him a lot...although things end up being more chatty because of all the therapy stuff I do here.

I have to have my snacks monitored so I just finished it and it was only string cheese, but I really want to purge it...luckily, I am at Rec. Art and unless I come up with an excuse...can't leave...this is a good thing.

Anyway, we are about to make frames (oh joy) so I need to go!

This week has flown by in some respects and at the same time is going so slow...kinda like my brain!

For the first time in weeks I woke up at 3 and couldn't get back to asleep. So, I came in at 5 this morning and except for the fact that I haven't done ANYTHING for Children's Ministry for May...I am pretty much set from this end. I have a Kids Day Out event from 10-2 and then from 3-5ish...we will be setting up tables for the Easter Breakfast as it is also one of our fundraisers for the Mission Trip.

Things are chugging along at home as well. My apartment is almost completely clean and my suitcase just needs to be packed. I also need to get a phone card and batteries (if I can find my Discman). WHEN???? I think I am going to have to do it Monday. I can sleep on the plane Tuesday morning.

Tuesday...is it even possible? Two weeks to the day after Steve first approached me with his concerns. Almost seems like months ago...but things have gone so much faster than last time! I don't feel near as ready as I did three years ago. But, the circumstances were different then as well. It was about 6 weeks from the time of my Prozac OD 'til Ieft for Remuda and the fact it never entered my mind NOT to take more than one coupled with Marc's leaving it just seemed like the thing I needed to do because at that point I knew it was going to be go or end up dead soon...either from the ED or suicide.

This time? Part of it is job preservation...I admit that and even at that if I get extended I may lose my job as they will only hold it for 40 days...although under the Family Medical Leave Act I am allowed up to 90...but I am trying not consider that a possibility at all. But, I also know that at least from the standpoint of meeting nutritional needs...I need to be there and stabilize by eating (or lack thereof) so I can do what I need to do in therapy...I think I buy that. Toni says it all the time and Marc used to say it too...constantly. I also know it would take FOREVER doing everything OP...and good labs or no good labs (latest set were good...only one really close to the bottom range...sodium...not a good thing)...the energy isn't there as much as I'd like. I can drum it up pretty well when I really need it (i.e. Capture the Flag in the church...in the DARK)...but it's getting harder to do and well i think we all know mentally I'm REALLY sinking fast.

I am not even thinking about the other component of this whole thing though. I must be driving Rob batty with nothing about food, weight, etc. when we talk about Remuda. Part of it may be because I had a lousy therapist when I was there the last time so I don't have a clue what it will be like this time. That and I am only going to see this person 4 times 5 at most in 30 days. It's a very strange place to be in...wanting it /not wanting it...wanting to be compliant as always/sick of being compliant as always...etc., etc., etc.

Maybe I will have an awful therapist again and that will make me appreciate Rob even more! :) I know what you're going to say..."Make up your mind...first Marc was the best and then Greg and now Rob...bored now." But it's true...honest. I have never laughed so much in therapy...ever. But that isn't all of it...and more than Ferderick as well. That is going to be hard to give up...I brought him home on Thursday and I love him and am soooooooo thankful Rob seid I could take him with me! So, I am 33 and have to take a big adorable stuffed with me to AZ. Sue me! I am sure Bambi will also find it's way into my suitcase as well...Bambo needs to show up soon...the "guerilla warfare" Greg and I were working on has got to be still in my head someplace.

Oh yeah...Rob. Some days the name is hard to deal with. Robbie hasn't emailed me back since the one I got just before "The Glories" started which hurts...but I think I was too honest too soon. I point blank asked him why he quit talking to me. I just end up thinking about Robbie some days...whether I want to or not...but no more or less than a lot of my So Cal friendsAs supportive and encouraging as everyone is...my mind continually goes back to the day he told me that he thinks of this whole ED thing as a baseball game...as long as I kept playing...he'd be in the stands cheering me on. I miss that voice in the stands.

Speaking of sports (and therefore Rob)...that's another thing. Greg would let me mindless chatter for a bit and then cut me off (he was wise to the diversion tactic...) We talk sports...okay probably because I am now and avid reader of Sports Illustrated...but I am so torn between our teams and my So Cal teams...sorry the Angels aren't doing well...stoked that SF is...Go Ducks, etc. Besides, the sports thing goes over well with the few guys that are really into sports.

Truthfully, I can't totally put my finger on "the thing" that I appreciate the most and will miss. But the hugs..yeah...since those 2 each week are about the only ones I get...going to miss them a lot. Maybe if I had more sleep thiswould make more sense.

Anyway, I need to figure out what else needs to be done...

Wow...I've gone a whole three days...things have been a little on the busy side, though.

I have my phone assessment with Val on Monday and hope to be on a plane a week later because I caanot possibly be ready to leave Tuesday or Wednesday...not to mention the money transfer and stuff for my grandparent's won't happen until Wednesday. Plus, I don't want to miss my first Easter here...I join the church next week. Kinda weird they are doing it Easter Sunday, but neat too. Of course, I need to figure out how to hide eggs, be at the Pancake Breakfast (fundraiser for our mission trip), meet with Session (all new members do this) and get the video set-up as we have the kids in a "holding room" until it is their turn to hunt eggs. Not to mention I need to go buy the eggs, fill the eggs and get Easter grass for the basket centerpieces.

Also, I need to pick up Fred...and I want my last week of appointments with Toni and Rob. But, I will be lost without Fred!

I think reality is setting in...that and the lamest thoughts such as, "My purging is so much better and I haven't cut in a few weeks...I can live with restricting." Maybe I could...don't think anyone else wants to or wants me to. But, I think some of that is nerves and the reality of the situation:

1. Going to LIFE last time I was behavior free, eating meals, etc. This time I am not.

2. I was only on meal support 2-3 days last time. I can see me being on meal support FOREVER this time beacause to jump from 500 to what is it...1600? 1800? a day seems impossible right now and scares me to death!

3. My kids...I am going to miss them soooo much. I have an awesome group of high school, jr. high and elementary kids and I enjoy being with them a lot, but I am sure I will enjoy them much more when I come back.

Anyway, I have a made of list of stuff to do each day and I did almost all of it for yesterday, but I feel asleep before I could finish and that was before 9:30! Must be from going off the diet pills. Today is Day 3 and I am hating life (not literally...well some...well...you know). I want them yet I know the dangers and I won't buy them again...no point...and since they are all gone, I won't have to worry about finding them in a cabinet or anything.

Forty-five minutes until the New Members Class and then when that is over I need to prep for a high school event. Never a dull moment!

I don’t think I have had less of a productive day than today. So much is swimming in my brain. Most of it is how my family is going to come with the $13,000+ it will cost to send me back to AZ. If my grandparent’s didn’t have to make this move this week…it’s be a done deal.

I never wanted this. I really thought that once I found a therapist I liked and hooked up with a dietitian things would fall into place. But, I also know myself well enough to know that it was too late. I want to be able to do “life” and all I need to do in therapy at the same time…but I have not found that balance yet. I’ve done it before…thing is…some people didn’t like it because I wasn’t always “up.” If I had a hard day…people knew and they didn’t want to know. But, I really don’t think that would happen here. Joe, the dad of one of my kids and one of my adult leaders, can tell when I am trying to be but I’m not. No one else has picked up on it much…but he said something to me about a month ago. That family is way too observant! But, they are also some of my most favorite people in the whole wide world! J

The question still rattles in my brain on the “why” I want to do this. Job preservation is not the only reason…but it’s a good one! Seriously, though, I know if a part of me doesn’t want to do this for ME then it will be a waste of money and time. I know 30 days won’t fix anything…but if it can give me a kick-start and at the very least get me nutritionally stable then that will help when I come back to Rob.

That’s the other thing…I don’t want to leave him…so I miss like 8 appointments…big whoop…but that’s EIGHT appointments. And almost no contact because I can’t leave the cul-de-sac the first week and then I have to get taken to the library to get on the Internet. Okay, I am paranoid…sue me… Even for all the right reasons I would be doing this…to make a quick switch for 4 weeks seems a little like a pain. That is probably because my therapist at LIFE was bad…really bad. Some of the other girls & I would stand around asking each other for a topic for our therapy sessions because we had nothing we WANTED to say to her! She didn’t last much longer after I left. I have never given anyone such a bad evaluation before. Given the two pre-Rob bozos I have seen I would give them big huge ZEROS…but Kelvyanne was the first.

If I am on meal support my whole stay I won’t complain. The rate I eat now…eating a whole meal I have little to no control (there’s that word again) over is very daunting. It’s not like I’d be going in eating fairly normal amounts like I was straight from Rio…I am pretty much doing a little better in that department than I was when I went to Rio…at least the last week and a half.

Twenty five hours until my next appointment with Rob…not that I am counting because God knows 1/2 of what is going through my head won’t get said because it takes me forever just to do the 1/2 I CAN/WILL talk about.

Wow! Haven't posted in a few days...but that's okay because most everyone who reads this has received email updates on what's going on right now anyway!

So, I have talked to Val, talked to Rob and talked to Toni. I will probably do the financial stuff with Michelle later this week. I am waiting for Val to call back to set that up. Her response to all this was, "Let's get you here ASAP." Okay...she always says that...but I know she meant it. Toni is totally supportive about it and thinks it might help and Rob wants to talk more on Thursday. He isn't opposed to it at all...he said there is a lot of wisdom in doing this...so we shall see.

I am questioning if I am doing this for job preservation or because it is what I need to do. Honestly, it IS a mix of the two...but I think if I truly thought about it hard and let myself really take an good look at what is going on...I know this is what I need to try and do. If God closes this door than maybe I simply cut back my hours so I am not so busy I don't do the work outside of Rob's office that I should be doing. The whole thing is very scary right now and as long as Steve doesn't think I will come back "all better," I can deal.

Timing wise there could not be a better time actually. Everything is running fairly smoothly right now so if I could go right after Easter it'd all be good! Okay, should it happen sooner that would be better I am sure...but I would rather wait until all I need to get done for Easter is over! There is a lot going on here the next two weeks.

Steve told me he could find no fault in my work which was awesome to hear, but how long can I truly keep up my pace? I'd rather not find out.

Yesterday's session was interesting. Rob was as clear as mud about exactly what he and Steve talked about and today Steve wasn't much better. I decided to go with the control issue thing since he brought it up again and quite frankly now that he and Steve can talk (and dummy me gave permission for Rob to tell Steve anything and everything) do I want to even talk about some of that other stuff? This however, is a fear of Steve's...that I will hide more and make everything look "good" in fear. The thought has crossed my mind and I told him that. Anyway, all the stuff I said about control here the last few days I did tell Rob...it took about 15 minutes of starting and stopping and him continually encouraging me...but I did it.

I know he is still frustrated with my lack of emotional depth in session...but I am working on it and am getting better. He loaned me a couple books and I am reading one of them now. It's pretty good and makes a ton of sense...even if it was published the year I was born! :) Very practical and understandable, etc.

Sometimes I think one of the things I struggle with in sessions with him is that my feelings toward him are not simply neutral. I mean with Marc & Greg I was never really mad or upset with them (at least while we were in the same room) and didn't even get mad at Marc for almost 6 months after he left for leaving. With Rob it's different because, even if I haven't said it to HIM at the time, I have been mad at him while he is in the room. He makes me laugh easily which I love...so the whole dymamic is different and "weird" to me still. I wouldn't give it up for anything though...I guess he's kinda the first one who continually reminds me that he is human and very human and as he said yeaterday, "King of the Stupid Club." Not true...funny to hear it..but not true. Plus, we can talk sports, music, etc.

Today I put butter on my muffin. Hey...I was eating them plain. They are really good that way...but I decided to go for broke! And, I LIVED! How pathetic is that...I used butter...I NEVER used to be afraid of it before...at RR I used to tell people it was the better choice (over margerine...still feel that way) for them because it is natural. Okay, I am afraid of Ensure Light, too and never have been.

I was going to go to John's VB game today...but I am exhausted and think I will skip it tonight...maybe...I have 2 1/2 hours 'til it starts...with traffic I'd have to leave in about 90 minutes...it's an away game...blech! But, his season is almost over and that will bee a bummer...so I'd like to be there. If I go to RLP thaan I will miss Charlie's track meets...but I know there will be others.

Went to The Core today...loved it as usual...weird not to know a lot of people there though. Not used to it.

I looked in the mirror today at the church...it was weird...I looked NORMAL...I mean as normal as I can be at any rate. I never think I look like I have lost as much weight as the scale proves I've lost...no matter what my scale says, no matter what the tags in my clothes say, etc. It had got to be the mirror...I say that because I never look the same in each mirror I see. Toni is picking up on some body image stuff from the writing I gave her during our appointment yesterday and we are going to go through Lisa's (my former dietitian) body image book together.

I am down to my last 4 diet pills with the goal of not replacing them. I am very apprehensive about it, but I know it is the right thing. I feel very fortunate to have not have had any adverse side effects from years of taking them when I read SI in the waiting room and hear of yet another athlete (high school this time) who has died of a heart attack from taking them and just like me, not abusing them...simply taking as directed.

Sigh...I am pretty tired from today...as good as it was. But, I have Tori's play tonight and I wouldn't miss that at all. I am looking forward to seeing it. But, my energy level still isn't great and even though I am eating consistently...I feel a little better...but can tell when I push too much and even just the seminar did it. But, I was very much in my element. I wish the whole team could have come...but life happens and that's exactly what happened to everyone.

I IM'd with a RR alumna who is from here as well...only she's a lot younger than I am. An EDA group started here in January and she has been once, but there was only one other person there so she couldn't give me a good overview of it. I am thinking about going this week...we'll see. I hate groups, but maybe it couldn't hurt. I went once to an ANAD group in So Cal and I LOVED it, but it started not long after my appt. with Greg and so to go right from Greg's to Laguna Nigel or wherever it was just hard for me so I never went back...at least I would five hours between Rob & this group. I wish there was an ANAD group around though. I have nothing AGAINST the 12 steps...but I liked the ANAD group I went to.

Part of me wants to look like I am doing everything right and restrict more anyway...still take the dp's, etc. I have this lame 'ol goal weight in mind...well two of them. An "acceptable" one I can live with and the one I would literally end up dying for...but I want to be there just once.

I realize what Toni says about a lot of what goes through my head is very much body image related is true. But, I also tld her it is very much tied in with I don't "need" food and I most certaainly don't "deserve" food. Or, as I put it in an email to Rob:

I don’t need it
I waste it when I do have it
Food is the enemy
Everything about me is just wrong
I am a toxic person
I’m a lousy daughter
No one thinks I am going to beat this thing

Okay...the last one is more my mother doesn't think I will beat this...ever.

It scares me because I have been down this road before. I get all rah-rah recovery and it lasts a few weeks and then BOOM...I fall apart all over again. I know it doesn't have to be this way this time...but it is still on my mind...how long will this last? How long will my vision be cleared enough to see that I am maaking solid baby steps? How long will I look in the mirror and see a beached whale? How long will I think because Rob doesn't say he thinks I need to eat I will automatically think he thinks I am...well...you know. The thing is...how many times did Marc practically beg me to eat? Did I listen to that? No. My thought was...you only want me to eat so I won't drop dead on you. Actually, that was his thinking...that and there was no way I could do the work in therapy without eating. No one since him (except at Remuda) has ever said that (Toni does...so I mean therapist) so I get it in my head that Marc thought that and he was wrong...the mistake of an intern. Besides, there is a LOT about Marc that was different than anyone else and I admit that I still miss some of that...but I also don't really need it now like I did then. But, the calls were nice...the out of the blue ones.

Okay, time to get gas and head to Tori's play.

I LOVE DSL!!! We finally got it at church! Anyway...

Saw Toni today...went pretty well...I vented about yesterday because I guess if it seems I jump around...I know what I am doing...but when it happens when he does it...it's a control issue thing again. I think...it kind of makes sense.

So, saw my bloodwork and it looks great...which well...is a good new/bad news thing. The one thing that does concern me is my protein level was a little high. Hmmm...it could mean that my body is actually burning muscle and not fat now. Then I look in the mirror and cannot fathom how that can't be...you should see my thighs and I am serious...they are awful and look worse from losing weight...I hope I can get them into some sort of decent shape one of these days. I need to start going to a gymj to build muscle and make a real effort to up the protein. Not that I am eating a lot of carbs...bad ones anyway...mainly fruit and bran muffins and veggies...very little protein and almost no animal protein.

So, fear is a great motivator and keeping my job is a great reason to kick myself into gear...but Toni is right when she said there HAS to be a small part of me that wants this for ME as well...otherwise I wouldn't have made the steps I have made this week...small they may be.

I got an email today from someone at Cokesbury about doing some writing. I was one of about a half dozen asked to do so. The guy said he likes my perspective on youth ministry. Wow! I was also asked to be a moderator for the new YS Bulletin Boards double wow. Maybe the fact I have admitted lately in email and maybe here that I am a darn good youth worker was a good thing...opened a door real quick. Writing is a talent God gave me ages ago and I know I have always wanted the opportunity to use it...but I am still shocked! It's for a bi-weekly email edition of a newsletter and pays $50 an article. The money is cool...but not as cool as being asked...I'd do it for free!

Anyway, I am finishing out the bottle of DPs and that's it...no more. Very scared...but I know I need to do it. I have been very fortunate so far that the Ephedra has done nothin to me and I think I may be at a point where it could very soon. One step at a time...

As I looked at what was accomplished this week it is pretty amazing. Not that is anywhere near normal of where I need to be and not like it was anything HUGE...but eating consistently even when I don't want it is pretty nifty! Heck, even though I "gained" (restored fluid) weight this week...I ended up losing three pounds without intending to. Meaning...purging, not eating period after I "gained," etc.

I am scared to death of all of this...but I can't be scared forever of everything...right?

Let me try this again and be a little more clear...ha!

Okay...yes...I already am fat and I guess the one "payoff" of this stupid ED is being less so. Again...never the "why," but it's funny what happens as the scale goes down, the clothes fit different...people treat you different, etc. But, it's like I "discpline" myself not to need food, not to want it, not to "desire" it because it makes my life "streamlined" and carries over in all areas...I'm bad therefore...I DESERVE to be disciplined...besides it is a GOOD thing. I get work done...I am this administrative "genius." I do my job well...

What is out of control now? This is where I get all confused and not sure what the hell is going on for me. Not a whole lot. Granted, maybe it's because there is a lot going on around me and I feel a loss of control, maybe because I am fighting myself tooth and nail on the food issue itself. Meaning, I stabilize and that means I am an undisciplined BLOB of FAT...even at a pound or two a week loss it means I am "successful." I know enough to know how absolutely nuts it sounds. Maybe "disappearing" means the ultimate control for me...that the more I feel bones and notice that I can feel them in spots easier then I feel like I am in control of my emotions, my actions...not the stuff around ME...simply ME. Even today, as things got hard to hear and to try and comprehend, I ended up laying on the couch to feel my ribcage...can't see it yet...but it's there and I can knock on it...just like my collarbone...why would I want to lose that? Okay...choice of losing that vs. "everything," I lose "that," but it's not going to be easy and sure as heck isn't going to happen overnight!

I want to disappear...control & disappearing...the two things that I "get" from the ED. That and wrist bones, collarbones, etc. I have this cool bracelet a friend sent me just over a year ago and it used to fit around my wrist...not anymore. My watch either.

I was reading the 2nd chapter of PDL which was aptly named, "You are NOT an Accident." I struggle with that a lot. What Rick Warren said in his book made sense and was very encouraging...but I wonder if there will ever be a day I won't feel like I am one and need to be taken off this earth to set things right.

These are snippets from earlier blogs and kind of say it all. My form of control "appears" to make me a better youthworker because...I dunno..I lost the thought...I guess I treat my time as I treat me eating...that doesn't make sense either. I guess I mean that controlling my food also helps me control my time, stay organized, get things done because if I am disciplined there...so does that mean if I eat I lose that? No...but not controlling and knowing just about everything that goes in my mouth and/or what is done with it...HELP...I don't get it myself.

I just try to think HOW I got to where I was post-Remuda and try to remember WHAT I was like before I left CA. That person was on her way to having healthy control...but I don't know what I did to get there and don't know HOW to get back.

Loss of control = FAT...for ME. I am NOT making some gross generalization...but to give up control or channel it to have healthy control means the bones go away...God I wanted to tell him that...but there was no time...it was very obvious that there was SOMETHING on my mind before I left...but without time to get into it...why bother? Next week it'll be gone and last Monday will be gone and he oviously doesn't care about that OTHER stuff because he didn't even mention it today. It was such the "big deal" that I say to him what I couldn't on Monday and he didn't ask...Just like Monday he won't ask about today.

So, today was all about control and I admit it...he gave me an opening one I said it was ONE of the primary issues. He asked me what the others were and I went silent...if HE doesn't know by now...I know..not HIS job...but grrrrr.....Bones...I don't want to lose the bones which is basically wanting to disappear...same thing...new visual.

Sometimes I wish I knew what he thinks about me. One minute I am convinced he cares and the next am convnced he wouldn't care if I dropped dead tomorrow. I have no clue what he is going to tell Steve. If I lose my job...he doesn't get it. Will it be a wake-up call? Yeah....BUT that also means no insurance, no more of my own place and no more seeing him, Toni, my MD. One thing that keeps me going that makes me want to try is this job...yes I am moving slowly...but I want to do this because for all I don't know about me I do that I am an awesome youth worker when allow myself to enjoy it...which isn't often...but I do know it's true. Enough people have told me that I know it's true and without it...I have nothing. So, maybe what he tells Steve is going to mean I lose everything...I don't think he got that. I'd have to be back home with my mother with NO outlet.

I'm just really confused because it was like he was mad at me or something. I SCREWED UP...I admit it...I didn't think a lousy piece of pizza would do that to me...now we all know...I am not READY for it right now. Fine, there is plenty of stuff to challenge myself on.

I don't get it...I really don't.

I've been doing pretty well food wise. I feel worse eating than I did without eating...just no major dizy spells. I think I am coming close to the 500 calories a day...I'm trying at any rate.

I just don't know what's going to happen...

Fear is a great motivator. I'm now very motivated!

Seriously, fear is what got me into therapy in the first place, fear is what caused me to call Remuda after my OD almost three years ago, etc. And, I think fear is what is going to get me on track. I am not sure how much this job is on the line after Sunday's "episode," but the ice is thinning a bit. Fourteen years and I have NEVER had a day that bad...ever...and I have had some pretty bad days. Okay, spraining both wrists might be worse...but that was one dizzy spell and it was over.

So, I ate last night...and now I gained three pounds. Okay, let's do the math. This means I ate 10,500 calories more than I used. Ummmm...no...not at Fresh Choice at any rate...I suppose about 8 bowls of clam chowder might do it...but I didn't even use a full serving of dressing on my salad. So, I do know this is not a complete truth...and I have to keep telling myself that if I want to do this.

The awful thing is...I AM a bit torn. I do not want to lose the job that I love, where I can be for a very long time and where this "problem" or not...Steve thinks I am doing a fantastic job! But, augh...the fight I have ahead of me...okay...I admit it...right now I can't see my way through it because I have no energy to deal with it.

I came home from John's VB game (it was earlier than usual and he didn't know...so I saw the last three minutes or so...however, Jesse isn't playing baseball this week so I can go to Thursday's game) and fell asleep around 7...I woke up a couple time...but just let myself sleep. I woke up really weak this morning and that was after eating well yesterday and sleeping well. One meal isn't going to make up for almost 4 days...but I had string cheese this morning! I know...but I have to start someplace!

Dropped another two pounds which I have mixed feelings about. I know some of it is due to lack of hydration and I am downing Gatorade as I type. But, I know how long my body can go without food and I have done it before. It's almost like now that I have FINALLY been able to "discipline" myself on the food front that I don't know IF I can turn back...I mean if I am going to freak out over maybe a 1/2-1 oz of roast beef...

Is life going to get better in 12 pounds? No. Is it going to get better in 17? No. Is it going to get better in 21? Nope. Yet I continue to strive for some elusive number that will make it okay to take up space, make it okay to breath the air...make it okay to be alive. But, I also know that in that quest for that elusive number on the scale...I could cease to do all that...and again the mixed feelings.

Going to try and make this quick. Darn it! I almost really starting crying with Rob today...you'd think after last night's stuff that I would be all ready to with no problems. Mary saw me cry. Not to mention the fact that she tried to get me to eat a bit of roast beef from a Togo's sandwich. I couldn't. I was so hungry, but I was too scared to try. While a bunch of people saw what happened yesterday...or what could have happened had I not decided to "hold the wall up," no one saw me stand up and fall down when I was alone. So, I pretty much melted down last night...but before youth group ended...kinda of just shut off.

So, I tell this to Rob, who doesn't say much. I told him when the last time I had food and how I wanted to get rid of the pizza aand salad two hours after eating...but would have been wasted effort...I think he was glad I didn't purge. So, I take his lack of "whatever" to mean he doesn't think I need to eat either because I am an elephant. I'd better stop mentioning any off the food stuff to him until some of this changes because right now I am choosing to let "ED" win these fights and that won't be good because I can see down the line of my thinking and it won't help.

Hey...but after all that emotion and no food I dropped 2 pounds this weekend so I keep think why should I start eating now? Rob doesn't seem to think I need food, I sure as heck don't want it much myself and well...if I find a way around my almost passing out...it'll be good. Or I'll be dead...

Which was where our session was heading until I backed off and just couldn't go there. My fault as usual...it takes me too long to get where I need to go because even if I walk in ready...my job, sports, etc. take over. I used to do it to Greg as well...but he usually shut me up after about 5-10 minutes. Anyway, he had asked me a question about punishing myself or whatever...I gave some answer and thought he would follow it up with "Why?" Which would have been a great lead-in...but that didn't happen. So, then after he got some other stuff out of me...he asked me what I was thinking. All I could tell him was that it wasn't good. I tried...the harder I tried to argue with myself the worse it got and I couldn't do it. Then there was the inevitable, "What do you think would happen if you did share?" I have NO clue and not sure I want to find out. He already told me a few months ago that he wouldn't just "toss me into a hospital" as I have been threatened with before...but I guess I figure since these feelings aren't new and in February (I think...may end of January) we talked about it a little after I was okay...that to bring it up again has got to be annoying and if I meant it I would shut about it and do it. Okay, not a good thing to put thoughts in HIS head (he is a lot better and arguing with me all by himself then me coming close to ever knowing what is going through his head...probably a good thing), but I think there is truth to it.

Anyway, my 72 hour no food thing ends tonight...and I am debating the additonal 24 hours for people seeing me dizzy rule I added yesterday before people saw me. It'd be 48, but I was okay until I got to my car after seeing Rob...then I had to sit there for like 10 minutes so I could drive.

I %$^&%$# can't even walk up a flight of stairs without almost passing out! But, I still maintain as long as my labs are fine then it's all a figment of my imagination and I can push through it. Plus, I have the voice reminding me what will happen if I dare to eat.

Have no clue what therapy is going to be like tomorrow. I haven't emailed him a bunch...a couple short ones with this link and one I sent to both him and Toni about eating the damn piece of pizza and being in pain and wanting to still purge, etc. I don't think I have even called which is so not like me. Okay, I admit I am hurt by what he said Thursday, but it's not like I didn't know that he couldn't read all my emails...I guess I just chose to ignore it. It finally sunk in...but as I said here on Thursday...or maybe it was an email to him...anyway...I told him letting me email would be a bad idea...now I am making myself pay for being an idiot as usual. Maybe I should get a new tattoo with "LOSER" on my forehead...would make a great conversation piece.

Maybe this self-moratorium of "no emails" is the best possible thing I could have done...with this outlet...and here again is the problem...I have this...if I do the blog thing than the feelings are pretty much gone...well buried anyway...and then maybe I STILL won't be able to be really open with him.

I know...I know...why do I bother going to see Rob or Toni in the first place? I have thought a lot about that and today I figured it out. As much as I just want to disappear...there is a small part of me that still wants to fight...sooner or later either that part will get stronger OR I will die. I am not sure how much hope I hold out for the former...but until the latter happens, there is still a chance for me.

Another day...but a beautiful CA one at that!

I am really glad I finally got to one of Ben's games! They lost, but really came on strong at the end. After, it was off to Lindsay's play. Oh my gosh! Lindsay was beautiful and her character was the "anti-Lindsay." I may not have the "right," but I was so proud of her! I tried to give her mom the money for ticket and Dianr wouldn't take it...they wanted to buy my ticket. I so don't deserve this.

Next week is full of the kids' sports events and Tori's play. I am really looking forward to all of it. VCHS JV Volleyball rarely has more than parents at their games so I want to be there to support him and the school. Okay...the coach is pretty cute...but I bet a good 10 years younger than me... ;)

Day 2 of the No Food punishment for the pizza. I hated myself so much when I got up this morning and the scale dropped a whopping 1/2 pound. Made my resolve even stronger...plus ED is yelling at me so loud right now about it. But, I HAVE to have milk with one of my meds or I get so sick and with no food in my body since pizza and salad on Friday...I have to have it or else it could be bad.

I'll save anyone reading what the "voice" is saying, though I need to write it down for Toni. I hate doing it...not because I don't want her to know (except then "it" demands more from me for being all talky girl and sharing all that stuff...huge No-No), but because it...I dunno...even I will admit that if I were a parent and changed the words a bit I would get hauled in for verbal abuse of my child.

Sometimes, besides the whole "disappearing act" part of wanting to die, I think it is because I am living in this place where I KNOW what God says about us, I KNOW how He feels about us, I KNOW all this "stuff," and I find the "fact" I cannot see that for ME right now unbearable and it makes me a HUGE hypocrite. But, maybe that is what makes me a good youth worker. If I struggle with that than I am going to make sure "my kids" know the truth and will never doubt (okay..never say never...but you get the drift) how special they are to the God who created them. And, I try to show them in tangible ways like going to the plays and sports events. I mean....I WANT to be there...great perk of the job...but I also hope that by me being there and see how much they mean to me...I can turn that around and let them see how much they mean to God.

Anyway, I need to find the tape for the Crop Walk that has disappeared off my desk and get that set up, make sure all my rooms are ready for this morning and I'm off and running...

This wasn't going to be an everyday thing, but I left the ticket and directions to Lindsay's play here at the office. DUH! I am so dumb...at least I have it now.

I slept until 9:30 this morning...I woke up a few times...but pretty much stayed asleep and yet I am still really tired and if this wasn't going to be the only shot at seeing Ben play hockey, I would skip it and sleep until I had to leave for the play.

I was truly convinced that what I ate last night was going to make me gain weight...it didn't...which blows my mind and I am not sure what to think. other than my jeans and khaki's are too big now, but I really can't replace them. They are wearable so as long as they are I can deal.

One thing I am finding is that I am isloating more...give a half dozen people this site address so they can look if they want, but I don't have to know...not letting Kim know I am going to the kids' plays and stuff so I can go alone, not returning calls, etc. I'm split somewhere between hating it and loving it. Sometimes I think the YS Forum is my only link to the outside world...and even at that I almost want to disappear from there again. No one really notices if I am there or not...until I go whining about my failure to get my ED act together. It was like this 3 years ago and in some ways it doesn't bother me. Work, youth and three appointments a week is about all I CAN handle right now...but to have to be all "social butterfly," is just not something I am up to anymore.

When I first got home from Remuda, Switchfoot has just released the "Learning to Breathe" single. With the new CD out, they are playing it a lot again lately. I still love the song and it meant so much to me those first few months and was something I was living. Gosh...I sound like "Ally McBeal." I never watched it every week (save for when Robert Downey, Jr. was on), but Tracy Ulman played a therapist who saw both Ally and John Cage. I guess they were supposed to come up with their own "theme song" for their life. But, I guess we all kind of do that...part of the reason why music is so powerful. You hear a certain song and it evokes memories, emotions, etc. I hear Jars' "Hand"and I think of Marc Houck, I hear "Evidence of God," "Fly" (Sugar Ray) and other pop music from summer 1997 and I remember the summer I was Program Director at Laurel Pines, etc.

"Learning to Breathe" was what I was doing when I got home. I remember thinking that feeling was such a scary thing...but so worth it. I remember thinking that I was WORTH fighting for when the first T I saw after coming home from Remuda was not a good fit...probably wasn't before...but I was in such a holding pattern before I went I didn't care.

Don't know what song I would apply to my life right now. Not sure there is one.

"Only then will something as harmless as a slice of pizza feel safe and okay." Got that as an email back from Toni. I get to write down what good 'ol ED says when/if I eat. It had a field day with the pizza last night.

How can pizza be okay? This is how I ended the email to her: "Feeling what bones I can feel right now is so...I don’t know...comforting...reassuring me that I am disappearing...but I need to do more...they aren’t visible enough under all this fat."

As much as I want to die...I know there is more...but each day I am getting more and more tired and less and less motivated to fight for the "more." I know I have to do it myself (well...not completely...you know what I mean)...but I can't figure out the "why."

I just got back from playing laser tag with..well...it was supposed to be a YOUTH GROUP activity and ir turned into an "All About John" night. John is the kid in the last post. So, he saved his allowance to make sure he'd have the money so we went and he had the undivided attention of three leaders and he was so cool with that! :) In fact, out of the $20...he went home with $12. I bought his first game, Bill & Kim p/u the pizza tab so nhe only bought his second game!

Today Toni, my awesome dietian, challenged me to eat pizza. So, while the guys ate a medium pizza with meat (pepperoni & sausage)...Kim and I got a small olive & mushroom. So, I also ordered a one trip salad bar as well. Here I am, almost two hours later feeling sick...but I did it. I had about a piece. I had Kim keep me accountable and when I took the piece she said that didn't qualify as a whole slice..but that was all she was saying. So, I ate part of another one. I want to purge...I want the pain to go away...this is the most food I have since Mt. Hermon a couple weeks ago. I don't like it at all.

Tomorrow is Ben's hockey game, Lindsay's play and hopefully I can sleep in before all this. If I don't, I may go riding...I need a horse!

Another morning and I woke up...still the mixed feelings about it.

After John's volleyball game (John is a Soph. in my YG) I came back to the office to check email, IM's with Birkey for a bit and went home. After uncontrollably crying for almost two hours, out came the blade and I hacked away at my stomach. My arms are so scarred now it's not funny...so that is pretty much the last place I have left to cut...and ample space in which to do it. At least I can say I didn't purge! Of course, I had a whopping 38 calories yesterday so what's to purge?

So, I woke up to my normal routine...get up, weigh myself, get ready and head here. I had started to read "The Purpose Driven Life" but it has disappeared from my office...which is plain weird...so I'll do some reading after this and send the kids my little devo for the day.

My mind is absolutely spinning right now. I hate to face Toni today because I made food goal exactly ZERO times. However, I did stick to the stepping down of the diet pills and that's a good thing.

My mind keeps going over and over and over yesterday's session and the complete idiot I made of myself in there. It's easy here to say I should just answer the question of how I am because by and large it hasn't changed. I want to disappear...control & disappearing...the two things that I "get" from the ED. That and wrist bones, collarbones, etc. I have this cool bracelet a friend sent me just over a year ago and it used to fit around my wrist...not anymore. My watch either.

I wish I could put a name to what I described yesterday as this huge ball of emotional pain that I want to purge out or cut out when it comes. I don't know...all I know about it is that it hurts and I want it out and I want it out now...but I don't know why it's there or what is causing it (specifically).

Some of it comes from yesterday...I just feel like I said some very wrong things yesterday or not in the right ways and it's taking whatever strength I have NOT to call Rob and just blurt it all out. I know I emailed too much...I warned him when he gave me his email that I could become way too dependent on the written word and I was right. If he's told me once, he's told me a thousand times that he can't always read all of them...you think it would have sunk in by now...well it has now and no more calls, no more email until I can use them properly. Not his stance...mine. But yeah, it hurts a little to know that while some of it was just fluff stuff...some of it well...it keeps me safe and I think I am the only one who cares about keeping me safe.

The Internet can be a dangerous tool. I was able to go online and figure out the highest dose of my sleeping meds someone could take and still more than likely live without damage. Then I figured it would take me 6 months to get enough to possibly do the job since I am pretty sensitive to the meds anyway. I like my MD...but he handed over a new prescription this week no questions asked...I probably could have gotten him to give me 10 mg. pills instead of 5.

How I am able to function with the kids and my leaders is a gift from God because while a couple of the leaders know what's up...no one knows 100% how I am truly doing. Tonight we will play Laser Tag and I will have fun...we will go for pizza and I'll get a salad...tomorrow I will go see Ben play hockey and go from there to Lindsay's play...and I will love every minute of it.

I watch my kids and I thank God for them and their families. I know from time to time they all have their complaints about each other..."typical" growing up stuff...but I watch Tricia sit on her dad's lap, Drew come over (he's in 6th grade) and kiss his mom & dad on the cheek before he moves up to the balcony for worship, The Lee's wanting God's best in the area of relationships with boys...and I know they all make mistakes because no one is perfect and I am not saying these kids will NOT run into some heavy problems...but if they do they are going to have parent's who will come alongside them and love them...NOT compete with them, NOT blame a guy leaving the house the other day on me, NOT think the answer to everything is food...etc., etc.

I was reading the 2nd chapter of PDL which was aptly named, "You are NOT an Accident." I strugglewith that a lot. What Rick Warren said in his book made sense and was very encouraging...but I wonder if there will ever be a day I won't feel like I am one and need to be taken off this earth to set things right.

Okay...

Therapy today...augh! Another one of those, "How are we doing? What is working and what isn't working for you? I know you fear ME terminating you, but at times I wonder of you will call and say you won't be coming back. I do get frustrated because you know that I know that you are feeling awful about yourself but we talk around it" sessions. I hate them, we do them way too often, but I blame myself for that. I am not exactly big chat girl unless it's sports, youth group, the Oscars, Jars of Clay...anything so I don't hear the question I don't know HOW to answer which is how I am doing...but we pushed through some of the B.S. today and really talked about it. At least as much as I was able.

Like I said in the intro...it has always been about the control. Have I "enjoyed" the benefit of losing weight? As I sit here in my cute Old Navt T-shirt and my Tommy Hilfger denim skirt...I would be lying if I said no. Of course, it gets to that point...the point where the ONLY point of eating and purging (I don't binge) or staying under 500 calories a day is because I WANT to get out of ED-NOS hell and be the anorexic my heart "longs" for. To starve myself into numbness, to subsisting and eventually dying. I sure as heck don't want to be bulimic (don't ask...I may be a bit overweight...but tests show I full on have the anorexic mind set) and I am afraid if I do eat....besides living...I'll turn into a Compulsive Overeater.

NONE of this makes sense in light of my profession, my faith and how I know I can be...but there we have it. Dying the slow way while at the same time praying that I find a way to live and be what God wants me to be...not what the ED Voice (whatever that is) says I am.

Today, I actually said the words. If I show emotion in our sessions...I HAVE to be punished. It's what I grew up with...it's what I KNOW...it's what I let go of for a brief time and I liked it...it was scary...but I liked it...now it seems like I can never get it back...that I have used up all my chances for recovery...that no matter how hard I try and fight and eat and talk and do all the things I am supposed to do...it's too late for me. My mom is convinced it is going to kill me, I had a therapist once tell me I should pray and see if this is God's will I die this way...and she was a "Christian" therapist.

Food...hate it/like it/hate it/am scared of it...had the therapist I saw before Rob (the week before actually) tell me that I shouldn't worry about eating because I don't need to force calories. Which translates into, "You are a beached whale and you can go a long time without having to eat." So, that had fed into this whole thing because bozo he may be...but because he is a therapist...he "must" know what he is talking about and I should pay attention. Yeah...like that makes a whole lot of sense...but welcome to my world. I must have a problem with authority in the REVERSE order. Therapist said it, it must be true.

The other side of that one is the "good" stuff I have heard stays in my mind...but doesn't overpower the other stuff. I had a therapist tell me about 3 1/2 years ago he wished I could see what he does when he looks at me. I remember I wanted to cling to every word and remember it because even if I didn't believe him at the time...I knew he meant it and wasn't just saying it to make me "whatever:" happy, less sad, less suicidal...I dunno. But, he told me I was passionate and beautiful (he was deluded on that one) and I couldn't drink in the rest...I have no idea. I think it sticks not because I believe it (okay...passionate about my job and working with kids/youth), but because the intensity in his voice that day.

I can't believe I said all this.

Sometimes I don't think Rob thinks I am serious when I talk about suicidal feelings. But, they are there and they are getting harder to push away. I think the way I choose to fight them is the eating disorder. It's a slow suicide they say. Slow enough that if I can ever DO anything I should be doing in therapy...I have time to reverse it all. There is an end of this one way or another.

My bloodwork came back fine as usual so I am NOT malnourished, the dizzy spells and fatigue are all in my head I guess and sometimes I feel like this isn't real. This is some game I can stop any time I want. Fourteen years later and I can't...at least not for longer than a few months...but when tests come back okay...how can what I am doing be wrong?

Okay...I wasn't sure about this...but "my twin" thought it would be good...so here goes!

A bit of background first...

My eating disorder began probably all through my "growing up years," because food was NEVER normal in my house. But, the first thing that lead to where I am today happened at 19 when I was a Jr. in college and my life seemed out of control. To me it seemed as if they only I had control of was what (if anything) I ate and if I kept it down or not. Fourteen years later, I am still struggling, still trying to fight and to try and do it all before it kills me...depending on who you ask..that may or may not happen.