Rambling...

"I really can't describe it. I'll be puttering along my day and getting stuff done or whatever and all of a sudden my mood just drops out of nowhere and my mind starts wandering to the razor blades and to my pills and just wanting to make it stop and wanting OUT. I don't know if what I am doing at the moment seems pointless or I seem pointless (well...I always feel pointless so I guess there is the answer...all of a sudden my pointlessness hits me)...but I just want to cease."

That's what I sent o Rob tonight. I am not trying to use not knowing where to start from session to session as an excuse...no matter what he says...but it is what it is. I try to just get from one moment to the next...or one block of time to the next and he doesn't seem to quite get I don't pay much attention to what I am feeling...other than "get through it." Maybe the cutting is a form of "reward" for making it through at times. It's getting less and less and while I blew it Saturday...I had gone just over a week I think.

There are times (between you, me and this blog...in other words this does NOT go to him) when I know he is right. He wouldn't have been wrong to call 911 Christmas Eve...however, to look at $2000 a day in hospital bills is something I cannot fathom and would just make the situation worse...not better.

I have to admit, had he called 911 on Wednesday, I would have bailed out of the office and would not have gone home. Probably would have driven to So Cal instead...I have places I can hide out there!

Maybe I'll find a point while I am in WA.

Just Get Me Outta Here!

I really do try and be a patient person...but I am ready to get the gell out of Dodge and just "be." Today did go okay. I found soap flaked in the Craft Closet and had enough for the kids that wanted to do it. Some thoght the soap stank so they played checkers and stuff. We had no kids for Children's Church so it was kind of a play day!

Packing and going through some stuff in my room I found another bottle of seroquel. It kind of stunned me. I emailed Rob and let him know about it...I am not sure what is there and I suppose in the long run it doesn't matter.

My flight leaves Tuesday at 9:06 AM so I woll probably post tomorrow and then not again until I gte back...even at that it may not be right away because I will have some work to do to get ready for next Sunday...I am going to try and put that all out of my mind though.

I have my shoes I ride in packed and am drying laundry right now. I will have a little bit more to do tomorrow morning and then I am set! My grandfather is picking me up ay 6:45 AM Tuesday. They are saying to get there 2 hours early with the security level raised. Praise God for Starbucks!

I am also hoping that I can get a window or an aisle since I will arrive early...please, please, please don't let me get stuck in the middle! Two hours is too long!

I Hate the Night!

I don't know what happens to me at night...too much quiet...too much of my head spinning...too much...too much...too much!

I cut last night and it looks icky. I called Rob and left a message that I wanted to, but I was trying to distract (while I was online) and then I was going to set the timer and read and try to relax and ride the urge out. I started out with 20 minutes and then went to an hour...it didn't do any good.

So, I call him and let him know I did...he's not going to be happy. But, as he didn't call me back in that hour span...I am really glad that it was only cutting because had it been anything else I would have taken his non-response personally and...look...I KNOW better...but I think I keep waiting for him to reject me for real.

I don't want to be here...I want to be at home sleeping and getting ready for Washington. My craft idea crashed and burned (who knew that in three stores I couldn't find Ivory Snow???) so I need to try and think of something else between now and 10:45. However, I did get my final reimbursement check for the year and I am thrilled...I need it!

Almost Ready to Escape!!!

I cannot wait until Tuesday. I wish I could sleep until then...waking long enough to pack! Not that things around here have been "hairy," with my mom sick it has been reather peaceful...but I am just ready to go and be a vegetable!

Bill, Kim and I went to go see "Peter Pan" today. It was wonderful! I absolutely loved it and want to see it again. I told Kim about my session and she asked me if I thought Rob would continue to push the hopsital issue when I get back. I assume it will depend on where my frame of mind is. He wants me to the point where the plan no longer exists...even though right now I have no timeline as everything got messed up when i handed over my meds to him. That's not good enough. I still maintain a 72 hour hold won't be good enough either and just make me mad!

I just want to get through church stuff tomorrow and then I am free until the 6th! I need to find one more teacher and I can get all the supplies when I get back. If Kim can deposit my paycheck for me...I am set! Otherwise I have like NO money and both my gym and ISP bills are due while I am gone...so I hope she can do it for me!

The 49ers lost...grrr....so I hope on of the teams lose so at least Seattle's win will be worth it!

I got through Christmas and Christmas Eve with the Fujii family and it was okay...a little awkward with my other family...but good. My cousins and I swear we were never as noisy as the kids are now...but even my mom said that Curtis and I used to drive everyone nuts as little kids.

Mary, my cousin Calvin's youngest, looks a little like I did at 3 and is just a crack up. She is ticklish like I am and so that was fun. Curtis and I ganged up on her and tickle tortured her a lot! Kiely sang all the songs from her Xmas program at school and the boys were the boys! I'd hate to see what it would be like to have all six of the little ones together. Four boys and two girls. Kind of like us...we ended up with six boys and three girls...me ending up as the oldest girl. It's weird because up until a couple years ago I hadn't seen Jennifer since she was 2 and now she is 20 something!

Christmas at my grandparent's house was pretty non-eventful...my grandmother only had two beers...but she did get Kaluha and Crown Royal from my grandfather...grrr...

Can't wait to get to WA and try and unwind a bit and stuff. I am not looking forward to Monday because I am not sure I am ready for another intense session.

I almost ended up in the hospital. Rob was ready to make the call. We fought about it because I told him a 72 hour hold during the holidays with no real staff/programming will do nothing for me and not take away any thoughts/plans. He said maybe it would be a wake-up call...I told him that wouldn't be likely and he knew it. We lapsed into stony silence...it was weird...usually I am the one who quits talking...not him.

He finally looks over at me and tells me we can't keep doing this and wouldn't believe me when I said that I don't know how or where to start. It really, really sounded like he was going to terminate me. I broke down in tears and said, "You're gibing up on me." He told me he wasn't and I can't remember what I said but I know I didn't agree with him!

Rob then got up and I was almost 100% sure he was going to call 911. He got up and closed the blinds (as the sun goes down...you can see in the office) and then came back over and just held me and told me that he wasn't giving up on me, but he is going to keep pushing and "kicking your butt." He said if anyone is going to decide when I walk out that door and not come back it will be me...not him.

Rob said at the core of it all...beyond therapist/patient that we are brother in sister in Christ and that I mean a great deal to him and if I need him to repeat his commitment to me over and over he will.

I thank God for him each day...I told him he was my "Giles" from "Buffy" and he laughed.

So, I still have to check in and Monday we'll see where we go.

It is Christmas Eve and I have very mixed emotions about all of it. I have no idea what is going to happen today. I am afraid I culdn't come up with what Rob wanted from me and I know he is going to want to call 911. I can't let that happen. I will NOT spend Christmas locked up on a 51-50.

But, I have checked in every few hours like I was supoosed to and talked to my friend Kim a little bit and let her know what was happening so I am hoping that will ease Rob's mind for a bit.

What a day! Rob gave it to me with both barrels. I really goofed, though. I decided to give him a weekend where I didn't email him or call or anything because I am not sure if that has ever happened...even if it is just fun stuff. HUGE mistake. He was really upset (I could have pointed out the phone works both ways) because I did say I'd check in...just didn't think he meant all weekend...he does have a family.

So, he gave me some choices that don't seem like real choices to me and it was pretty tense in there. Finally, as he kept "threatening" to call 911 he asked me what I was thinking. I told him 2 things were running through my head and they were stupid. He asked me what they were and I managed to say, "You hate me and want to get rid of me" before I gave him one thing he wants from me...tears.

He told me that if he didn't care that this would have been any 'ol session where he lets me talk about the 49ers and other stuff. He has talked about me to others in the office to try and figure out what to do about me and he is going against their advice by letting me walk around a free woman...but he's trying to trust me with this. I won't let him down...I can't.

Anyway...I have to call every few hours (which I will...now that I know what would happen if I don't) and check in.

I know hope is there...I just can't grasp it right now!

Thanks to Andy I have snow!

I am excited. I will probably keep it there all winter. OK...my part of CA doesn't get snow...but still!

I come in this morning, hands full of allI need for church this morning...final receipts for December (I hope!), supplies for cookies, Hershey Kiss trees, etc. when lo and behold...there are a slew of Christmas cards on the office door. One of them is from the Christian Counseling Center! Back and center is Rob! It is a staff picture and we have two members of our church that work there...but geesh! It was a lousy picture of him!

Just found out that the office is closed Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after. Woo hoo...four day weekend! Good thing I got what I got done on Friday. I still may come in Monday to make sure I have everything done for when I leave for Washington.

Can today be over? Please?

I am finishing my baking for gifts, finishing Toni's gift and wrapping presents for my mom and the ones I still needed wrap and Christmas cards. I none of that is as important as what this time of year signifies...but dang it! I can't find the cards I saw a little while ago I bought for Rob and Toni. Grr...Argh... I really liked them so I am bummed. They are probably wrapped with someone's gift.

I am honestly loking forward for all this to be over. I am afraid I am thinking Washington is going to be a cure-all and I know it's not...but I want it to be so I want to get there ASAP.

Haven't heard a word from Rob so I have no idea what he thought of what I wrote last night. Fine...I really don't care...I want him to have the weekend of not having to deal with me so no check ins and no emails and I see him on Monday anyway. I know we'll go another round about the hospital and my meds and why I signed the darn contract if I have no intention to stick to it...okay, I signed it and I want to stick to it...but a piece of paper is just that...but enough fo now.

I need to make the mint snowballs for Rob and make more peppermint bark!

I hate night time. I can do okay during the day when my mind is occupied with work, etc. But when it comes time for things to wind down at night...it all floods back. What I did okay with, what I blew...how can I be allowed to walk the earth, etc. Even the idiot box doesn't help and neither does the mall...probably because it's so crowded.

Reading works for a little bit...but then I long to go to my car and grab my blades so I can cut...or try and figure out just when I can just disappear...can I fake Rob out and lull him into a feeling that I am really okay. The problem with that is:

1. I am a LOUSY liar.
2. He knows me too well after a year.

This is sooooo different from what is usually a major depressive episode and causes this thinking. That has a feel of big black cloud that is almost tangible. That's not the case this time. I'm not sleeping more, I am getting dressed on Saturdays...none of my red flags are there. Maybe it's just resignation.

I'm sick of fighting and don't know how much fight there is left in me.

So, I email the man that I am freaked about this whole contract thing as well as a laundry list of stuff I can't even remember. I am 1/2 asleep and on my way to Slumber Town and the phone rings. It's Rob. It's 10:15 PM. Hello!

Anyway, I don't remember a lot about the conversation other than he wanted to make a call and have me hospitalized. I told him I was just freaked about having to sign the contract (which is true) and that my anxiety level was through the roof. Then I was scared to death he'd do it because he says, "You sound despondent." Then comes, the "please Rob...no...I'm okay...I promise." He told me to give him a reason not to...I told him that I have not gone back on our verbal agreements in the last few weeks so he can trust me (a word we have been throwing around a lot lately). So, he asks me to call and check in with him several times today. I called when I woke up.

About a 1/2 hour later (again...almost asleep) the phone rings yet again. Now he wants me to stop by at 4 to pick up my copy of the contract. This worries me and quite frankly...I don't trust him at this point. I don't know why I can't wait until Monday.

He did it...he had me sign a contract today. It still sucks because I'm supposed to call the emergency number. HELLO...I am not calling anyone who does not have knowledge of hat's going in with me right now. But, it also states that I can't do anything until I get a call back from him...meaning if I lose it in the middle of the night...I still have to hang on until 8 AM. If I lose it int he middle of the night and he doesn't call back...forget it. I'm not going to sit there and go nuts for 5,6,7 hours until he can return the call. I don't what he was thinking there.

I know it should make me feel safer or relieved that I don't have to rethink anything because on paper it's not an option...but this is where all my impulsivity might kick in.

I get to ride a HORSE while I am in Washington! A horse...for days I can take off for a couple hours on a horse! Oh my gosh! I am really excited about that...I love to ride and this will be such a blessing to be able to take "Grace" out every day.

I can be all hermity except we are going to go see ROTK and they want me to come to the H.S. New Year's Eve bash. We'll see...I might. The YP is about my age, also female and it is a PCUSA church and wants to meet me. Might be a good diversion...might be a sad reminder. We'll see.

Things are pretty much "normal" at home. My mom woke me up at 2 AM because the raccoon was back and she was worried it would attack her when she left for work. Then it was my fault that she left the garage door open because I told her Alphie would be fine not locked up. Who wants to be yelled at at 2 AM!!!!????!!!!

My flight has been booked and on December 30th I am off to the San Juan Islands in Washington for rest, relaxation and hopefully renewing of my mind and heart. I want to be a hermit. Rob hasn't said too much about the trip...not sure what he thinks...but I will see him the day I leave and 90 minutes after I get back. And, he is always available by phone.

At least it gives me something to look forward to!

I cannot believe it has been one week since the latest "trauma drama" in my life. Everything is seemingly back to "normal," but I just don't know what that really means. Was mom's attempt simply because of the alcohol and her meds or is this going to lead to yet another attempt?

I tell Rob as selfish as I am being...at least I won't be anyplace my family will find me and have to deal with the 911 call and stuff. I have to be sure no one finds me...not that I have a timeline...I need to rethink since I totally opened up to Rob. Sometimes I wish he would terminate me...it would make it so much easier.

This is a bad night...I just sent Rob and obnoxiously long email...not sure if it will make things better or worse.

I got my last two ambien and trazadone refills so that's it...if I can't snap out of it what I have had better work because there is NO money for anything if I fail and I sure as heck don't want to be swallowing charcoal.

I hate he can't be paged and I know it is stupid...but I refuse to ever call the emergency number he gives on his VM. I cannot believe he doesn't have a pager. Makes it easier.

I need to move them again because he asked me a question and I innocently told him where I had the pills...duh...he got me there.

It's not like I have a date picked out or anything so I wish he'd just get off my back. Chances are it will never happen because I'll be afraid to fail. I told him (the email) that getting the pills back is some twisted sign.

A new week...a new chance to try and figure out why I'd rather die than live and another week where Rob has no peace because I'm still 80% determined. I suppose I could lie to him to get him off my back...but I think he knows me better than that by now. Besides, how can I have a mind change that quickly. I told him I needed a new plan because I told him my other one.

He asked me what has to happen for my plan to be squelched. I don't have an answer. I am hoping my trip to Washington will just give me some perspective. At least he knows I will be safe there. I need to tell my mom I am going...but I can't wait!

I am not quite sure where to start...the last few days have been well...for lack of better words...a living hell! Marked with moments of safety and a greater appreciation for Rob than ever.

For those who don't follow along in other places...my mom tried yet again to kill herself Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I had the "pleasure" of listening to the whole thing happen biding time until she went to her room so I could call 911. Then, my mom being my mom, she got ON the phone. So I had to go a a couple blocks to a pay phone to call 911. They kept her on a 72 hour hold, changed her anti-depressant and she has been home since Friday afternoon.

That night is was almost ME. But, I committed to Rob and I also would never do it at home where my mom would have to come home and find me. So, I cut a little bit and then baked my head off to distract. The next day I took my pills to Rob...but it turns out he can't leagally keep them for me so he had to give them back to me Thursday night. He calls me like at 9:45 at night to tell me (he was still at the office) and so I went ahead and picked them up then because I needed one to try and sleep.

Time for a new plan because I told him my old one since I gave him the pills. I'll tell you one thing...after the last few days...I'd better succeed because as odd as it sounds and I'd rather my family deal with me being DEAD rather than the other stuff.

I'm not sure still what I feel...but I need to keep it in check anyway because I need to get through church.

Sometimes I wanna scream...I just want to yell and scream and cry and just become that emotional heap that Rob wants me to be. I can be so controlled with him and then leave and that's when the tears want to flow or when I want to tell him everything. It took so much not to call him last night and beg for a call back...but then I knew I wouldn't know what to say because there is no privacy. My mother tells her friends I'm fine and how it is for the best that I am living there...but I long for release...to just cease existing and be able finally rest.

I'm so tired...

I was on the 101 heading toward the 49er game on Sunday when the Half Moon Bay exit came up. If I would have had my pills with me...I was sorely tempted to take that exit and just get it over with. But, I did promise Rob and that means a lot to me that he is trusting me from session to session...either that or he thinks I'm full of it and is trying to call my bluff...guess what fella...I am not bluffing. I don't think he'd do that though. I've let to many others down to break my promise to him...no matter how much I want to.

The 49er game was wonderful. It was so neat to be able to finally see my faveorite team play. It is hard to believe I was there and got to see both Garcia and Rattay play and see Kevan Barlow in his first start and do so well!

And so it begins...my annual Xmas baking/cooking. I have two boxes of goodies to send to my friend Anna and my chiropractor (in So Cal) and then goodie bags for Rob, Toni, the Rolstons and to take into church and make everyone hate me!

Since I need to get Anna and Doug's mailed...Rob will benefit because I get to use him as a guinea pig! I use him as a guinea pig all the time! Cheesecake, apple pie, chocolate souffle cake, etc. He seems to like my baking and I enjoy baking for others.

Last night was a tough one. I seriously sat there and thought about getting a big glass of rum and Coke and with my mother sitting there start popping pills and read. 10:1 she wouldn't have noticed. I was ready to forget my promise to Rob and just say buh-bye. Baking is taking my mind off it a bit.

Tomorrow is the 49er game!!! I cannot wait! That gives me something to look forward to!

I think I have let myself overthink yesterday.

I am a "touchy-feely" person...except for thast stupid massage...I don't mind being hugged or touched and welcome it.

This morning, ever since I woke up...I have been feeling just absolutely disgusted with myself for yesterday. There was NOTHING wrong with how Rob and I were sitting or the contact we had. He let me put my head on his shoulder and it was comforting and I felt safe that I could tell him anything...Rob is an awesome therapist!

But now...it's too close to what happened when I was abused. Gosh...Rob would never do anything like that and if I never wanted a hug from him he'd be cool with that...but I am totally freaked!

Today was pretty much what I expected...with a twist.

We (I) were getting no place...he wouldn't let me be performing monkey and I wouldn't allow the tears to fall that were there. He finally asked me if I wanted him to sit anyplace else rather than across from me on the floor. I have wanted to sit on the floor lately and he's game!

At first I said no and then I moved over to the giant bear and told him to come sit next to me. He put me in a headlock and then he put his arm around me and we sat like that for a bit and then he just became my Siamese twin for the rest of the session. I felt safe and relaxed and able to talk so that was good.

We talked about my identity or lackthereof and the scariness of not knowing who I am outside of youth work and the ED. At Remuda they told me not to worry about that part that it would come...but what if it doesn't? What if I am what I think I am and everyone else is wrong...okay...I am convinced everyone else IS wrong and they finally see it? *SHUDDER*

I promised him safety until Monday when I see him...and for now he accepts it. The closer we get to the New Year...the more I have to have a game plan before he does what he needs to. I am just thankful he is trusting me right now.

There are days that I can't wait to get to Rob's office because I have something for him, something to tell him...I am dying to get my hands on Frederick even though I have my own now, etc.

Today is one of those days when I want 1:00 PM to come very slowly and even as I want to talk about all this stuff...my mind keeps going back to any piece of trivia I can think of that would get him off on a tangent.

Monday (did I blog this?) he asked me if he had to...who was he going to call? First thing I said was "Ghostbusters." I mean c'mon...that truly was NOT intentional, but it is hard to stay present in all of this with him which is really a good sign...but I can't seem to be able to force myself to give him what he wants from me.

I asked him that in an email...I told him I a great trained monkey if he would tell me HOW to get it out. He didn't answer. I guess it's not his job to answer...but it's be nice because I look to him for "leadership and guidance" besides him being the voice of reason and truth in my life.

I emailed Rob about the email I received about writing and my doubts and he answers back:

If you don't mind me taking a page from your book - "Cool Beans" :) You have soooooooooooo much to offer, and of course I know, because I'm the voice of... you know! :) see ya'z ta'ma'rah! :) Rob

Of course, I don't think anyone is being objective. Okay, he has told me stuff like that over and over and over...but I just can't get my head around it. Tomorrow is going to be a very long session...I know he is going to push for answers, thoughts, feelings and since I have emailed him all the stuff we would usually talk about...he's not going to let me play all avoidy girl. Ugh.

The thing is, after tomorrow...Monday is going to seem so far away until I see him again. In some ways that's fine it's not like I need to be in his office 24/7...but I do drink in the safety of that place.

I received an email from John Gocke this morning. He is with Cokesbury and he is still wanting me to write for their email newsletter. The $50 an article would be a blessing (even if I just got two published a month), but I just don't feel I have anything to offer anyone right now.

I'm scared. I emailed Rob earlier today and admitted that:

1. I wanted to lie to him and tell him I am fine now
2. That I think about all of this 60% of the time and my big fear is that I am compulsive enough to just do it because that's what I did the last time.

Does he answer me? Noooooooooooooo... I am probably on his last nerve anyway!

Do I want to feel this way? Ummmm....no....although, as I told Rob, this is something I have longed for since I was 12 years old.

No more feeling evil and awful and not wanted and mean and selfish and and and and and and...

I know it is incredibly selfish...but hey...I am always accused of being selfish anyway.


There are other youth workers out there...one less makes no difference
I would free up two of Rob's appointments
I would stoip taking too much space
Hell...my mother already has my cremation/burial of ashes spot/ etc. PAID for.

I'm sick of trying to hang on...trying to believe that there is a "happy" ending...I don't think I have won.

As the guy said on "Average Joe" last night...I am a "DUFF" and will always be a "DUFF" and I'm sick of that as well.

No one could ever love anyone as screwed up as I am and I have given that up...

I have NOTHING going for me anymore and I just want to rest.

You are Cinnamon.
You are fiery and passionate. You pour your heart
into everything you do, and you don't stop when
you set your mind to something. You let people
know exactly what's on your mind. However,
your friends are sometimes put off by your
intense drive and fiery personality.
Most Compatible With: Spearmint


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
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Today I received my "Buffy" Advent Calendar. No matter how rotten things are I am thankful I can find one small thing to make me smile...even if it something as simple as that.

To tell you the truth, I really believe you know you could be sharing more w/ me - not just facts, not just reporting to me - but really sharing more - more deeply of your feelings especially - I really believe and feel you know what I mean here...

I don't know how...I really don't. Do I want to? Yes! But I don't know HOW...

He continues to remind me time is ticking but does he expect me to just "snap out of it?" If I could I would...but there is a peace with this deicison. I am not needed nor wanted and I am tired...