Rambling...

"I really can't describe it. I'll be puttering along my day and getting stuff done or whatever and all of a sudden my mood just drops out of nowhere and my mind starts wandering to the razor blades and to my pills and just wanting to make it stop and wanting OUT. I don't know if what I am doing at the moment seems pointless or I seem pointless (well...I always feel pointless so I guess there is the answer...all of a sudden my pointlessness hits me)...but I just want to cease."

That's what I sent o Rob tonight. I am not trying to use not knowing where to start from session to session as an excuse...no matter what he says...but it is what it is. I try to just get from one moment to the next...or one block of time to the next and he doesn't seem to quite get I don't pay much attention to what I am feeling...other than "get through it." Maybe the cutting is a form of "reward" for making it through at times. It's getting less and less and while I blew it Saturday...I had gone just over a week I think.

There are times (between you, me and this blog...in other words this does NOT go to him) when I know he is right. He wouldn't have been wrong to call 911 Christmas Eve...however, to look at $2000 a day in hospital bills is something I cannot fathom and would just make the situation worse...not better.

I have to admit, had he called 911 on Wednesday, I would have bailed out of the office and would not have gone home. Probably would have driven to So Cal instead...I have places I can hide out there!

Maybe I'll find a point while I am in WA.