I'm scared. I emailed Rob earlier today and admitted that:

1. I wanted to lie to him and tell him I am fine now
2. That I think about all of this 60% of the time and my big fear is that I am compulsive enough to just do it because that's what I did the last time.

Does he answer me? Noooooooooooooo... I am probably on his last nerve anyway!

Do I want to feel this way? Ummmm....no....although, as I told Rob, this is something I have longed for since I was 12 years old.

No more feeling evil and awful and not wanted and mean and selfish and and and and and and...

I know it is incredibly selfish...but hey...I am always accused of being selfish anyway.


There are other youth workers out there...one less makes no difference
I would free up two of Rob's appointments
I would stoip taking too much space
Hell...my mother already has my cremation/burial of ashes spot/ etc. PAID for.

I'm sick of trying to hang on...trying to believe that there is a "happy" ending...I don't think I have won.

As the guy said on "Average Joe" last night...I am a "DUFF" and will always be a "DUFF" and I'm sick of that as well.

No one could ever love anyone as screwed up as I am and I have given that up...

I have NOTHING going for me anymore and I just want to rest.