Sometimes I wanna scream...I just want to yell and scream and cry and just become that emotional heap that Rob wants me to be. I can be so controlled with him and then leave and that's when the tears want to flow or when I want to tell him everything. It took so much not to call him last night and beg for a call back...but then I knew I wouldn't know what to say because there is no privacy. My mother tells her friends I'm fine and how it is for the best that I am living there...but I long for release...to just cease existing and be able finally rest.

I'm so tired...

I was on the 101 heading toward the 49er game on Sunday when the Half Moon Bay exit came up. If I would have had my pills with me...I was sorely tempted to take that exit and just get it over with. But, I did promise Rob and that means a lot to me that he is trusting me from session to session...either that or he thinks I'm full of it and is trying to call my bluff...guess what fella...I am not bluffing. I don't think he'd do that though. I've let to many others down to break my promise to him...no matter how much I want to.