I hate night time. I can do okay during the day when my mind is occupied with work, etc. But when it comes time for things to wind down at night...it all floods back. What I did okay with, what I blew...how can I be allowed to walk the earth, etc. Even the idiot box doesn't help and neither does the mall...probably because it's so crowded.

Reading works for a little bit...but then I long to go to my car and grab my blades so I can cut...or try and figure out just when I can just disappear...can I fake Rob out and lull him into a feeling that I am really okay. The problem with that is:

1. I am a LOUSY liar.
2. He knows me too well after a year.

This is sooooo different from what is usually a major depressive episode and causes this thinking. That has a feel of big black cloud that is almost tangible. That's not the case this time. I'm not sleeping more, I am getting dressed on Saturdays...none of my red flags are there. Maybe it's just resignation.

I'm sick of fighting and don't know how much fight there is left in me.