Next week I am going camping in Big Sur. Last year, I saw the link on Marko's blog and it sounded perfect for me as I can easily get there from San Jose. I just wasn’t sure if it would work out. The cost isn’t a lot but, when you figure in my PT Children’s Pastor/Volunteer Jr. High worker, it can be hard to save up the $$. I was paid a bit for house sitting and even more for speaking at the retreat.

I should have done this weeks ago. VBS took a lot out of me and I didn’t so anything to recharge. Better late than never! I am looking forward to three days of rest and nature and that’s it. Even though I was the retreat speaker I was able to have some real quiet time to myself and I long for that again.

So, while I am really trying not to run through the money I made last month I did buy a few need/want items:

1. Retail therapy at Old Navy last week. Anytime I can get a pair of jeans for $6.97 is a good day!
2. The cost of the camp site for three nights.
3. An air mattress and lantern for the trip (as well as batteries, a cutting board and food saver bags).
4. A grill/griddle combo from Crate & Barrel I have had my eyes on for the past month and my first piece of silicon bake ware.

$100 will go for my first car insurance payment of my new year and after that…it depends on a few things. I may try and head to So Cal for a few days between Turkey Day and Christmas. I haven’t been there for the holidays in a long time and I miss it.

Anyway, I have been looking at stuff to do while I am in Big Sur. I seriously thought about splurging on a spa day. HA! Number one, I don’t think I deserve to pamper myself in that way and number two…the prices are outrageous. I looked at a few sites and found out I can go horseback riding!!!

I haven’t been on a horse in about 3 ½ years, but I miss it soooo much. So, I am going to splurge on at least one ride…maybe even two! We’ll see how the first one goes! They do beach rides and trail rides through the redwoods. I want to do one of each, but we’ll see. I really fell in love with riding when I was at Remuda the first time. I was so scared to even groom a horse, let alone ride the darn thing. It became one of my favorite things to do…especially after I was assigned a permanent horse. I adored Sam and we went fast! He gave me a confidence I haven’t had in a very long time. This is going to be a great thing! One ride is two hours and I am not sure if I can stand it that long after not riding for so many years…but it might be fun.

I am going to take some books (I need to hit the library this week and I have a bunch of books to return), my ipod and just try and relax. Last year’s camping trip was too short. I only went for two nights and then up to San Francisco for a night and didn’t relax as much as I would have liked. I need to snap out of vacation mode though…too much to do this week!

I don’t remember how old I was…somewhere between 4-6 I guess. I don’t remember the circumstances after all these years and I suppose it doesn’t really matter. I got mad at my mom for some reason. I am sure it was your typical little kid stomping his/her feet mad about whatever was most important in that little snippet in time. I got sent to my room and I thought that was the end of it. I fall asleep and the next thing I know I am being hit/spanked hard several times for getting mad at her. That may have been the first time, but it wasn’t the last.

There are other memories (some faint…some more impressions, but events that did happen) of times when I “dared” show emotion and it was met with violence and/or verbal abuse. At some point I avoided/repressed/stuffed/whatever you want to call it all those “negative/bad” emotions and taught myself to be numb to them. To feel them…even to acknowledge them in most cases…means that I have to be punished. I know a lot of kids are told to stop crying or “I’ll give you something to cry about,” it was a reality for me.

Rob reminded me that his office is like a “container and that nothing that happens in there (other than the usual threat to myself and others. Although, he has shown that even when I have been a threat to myself it stays there) leaves there. That really isn’t much of an issue. I know all that. It’s just talking about the feelings/emotions period. But, even though I know in my head that his office is the safest place in my world, it’s the little ED voice in my head telling me that I need to stop talking so much. Not that I have been talking a whole lot…though I would guess that in the last two weeks I have probably allowed myself to be a lot more vulnerable than I have in almost the last two years. Amazing what happens when you tell your therapist you think you have been mad at him for the last 21 months or so!

So, I struggle to eat and not shove my fingers down my throat. I continue to try and articulate exactly what goes on in my head to Rob without self editing almost everything that leaves my mouth and I try to steel myself for the inevitable plunge into the “depths of my pain.” Of course, I am camping next week so this is one time while I personally need the time away…with what is going on in therapy the timing isn’t so great!

Just Breathe...

“Breathing is highly overrated.” I actually said that to Rob yesterday. I was actually able to tell him all I blogged about yesterday. It is one thing to post it and let whoever reads this thing read what’s going on in my head, but it is truly another to put it out there…out loud…to Rob. That is pretty silly…but it is what it is. He was asking me how I felt about what I was feeling and sitting with it. I told him it was making me anxious and I guess my breathing had become pretty shallow because he told me to take a few deep breaths. That’s when I told him breathing was overrated. He told me to do it anyway. I did. I did and the “weirdest” thing happened…I wanted to cry.

Yes, I am feeling insecure and yes I get that it makes a lot of sense…but in that deep breathing another thought occurred to me. The way I was dropped to PT…the way I was cut off from the youth when I got home from Remuda LIFE stunk! It was like the 8 months never existed…that my work as Director of Children’s Ministry was intact…but that I had no ministry with the youth at all. So, it’s taken me three years to begin to allow myself to feel how much that hurt. It was such a shock when I came home that I didn’t really react. I guess I did…I went right back to purging and cutting soon after coming home. Rob told me he doesn’t remember all of it, but he does remember thinking how huge a blow that had to be for me and yet I kind of just went on with things.

Yesterday was also the first time he even mentioned PTSD. I think we never really talk about any of my dx because 1) I am more than my dx and 2) he knows them, I know them and to dwell on them takes time away from dealing with them. It was still a little jarring to hear him say the word…ummm…acronym.

He asked me if I felt the difference the last few sessions…the openness that truthfully hasn’t been there. It’s funny to say I have been afraid to be open with him, but that’s the truth. I know it comes from being so afraid if I did/said something “wrong,” that he’d terminate me and being able to finally articulate that to him is making a difference.

With this new openness also comes the other reason I did not want to be open in the first place: I still can’t sit with my feelings well and the very fact I “exposed” them to Rob sends the signal to my brain that I need to be punished. I’ve been down this road before with Greg and it’s not a pretty sight. Rob and I have talked about this in the past. We both knew that when I started to be this open, started to allow the feelings to be there and not immediately do something to quell them that the urges would be there and be strong. He reminded me of this yesterday and I told me to do whatever I have to (aside from behaviors) do to make it through…including emailing/calling his VM a lot if need be. I have cut back on both of those. I email him maybe 1-2 times a month (unless it is something goofy) and the same with the phone calls.

I wish I could describe what I mean by the “need to be punished.” I know there are some of you out there that get what I mean…but it’s hard to articulate that need without sounding like a total nutcase!

The Green Eyed Monster

Normally, I am not a jealous person. I may say the word in jest…but I try to be content and for the most part, I don’t have a whole lot to be jealous about!

Lately, I have found myself feeling jealous of the relationships that Debra will be building with the kids. I WANT them to love her (heck…I think she’s awesome!), I want them to build a strong bond with her and yet at the same time…I have been worried about where that would leave me. UGH! I hate that I even think that…but think it I do. I have really worked hard the last four years developing relationships with the kids and over the past several months reestablishing relationships with the Jr. Highers and even some of the high school students.

“G” came home from vacation while I was gone. Ron always used to tell us we needed to have a ”Timothy” to our “Paul.” “G” has really been that the last year. She calls me her 2nd best friend. I knew she was going to love Debra and at the same time was worried she’d abandon our bond. Silly,silly me. Nothing has changed at all. She left me this goofy profile on my office door (which was pretty dead on) the other day and last night she would not leave my side during “Pool and Praise.” Her mom told me she has been dying for me to get home and for her to get home so we could see each other. I think it is really funny because I could be her mom. Her mom is older than I am, but “G” is 11 and I could easily be her mom. Last night she made me promise I’d go up to Mt. Hermon with them. I told her I am on the committee that plans the retreat so of course I will be there. However, what I didn’t tell her was that I will more than likely be in a leadership cabin.

I do understand that this is all normal with someone new coming in. It makes absolute sense and I knew some of these feelings were coming. I also know I “shouldn’t” be judging them…but I do. Even though the feeling makes sense…that doesn’t mean I “should” feel that way. In my head I feel as if I have no reason to feel so insecure. I try and tell myself that I have had ample time to get used to this and so I shouldn’t feel as I do. At least I can take a step back and see it and that is a good thing. Now I just need to learn to let those feelings be there and not try to avoid them.

Food has been a struggle. I was actually amazed about a couple things. I didn’t 100% watch every bite I put in my mouth while I was house sitting. Well, I did, but I didn’t always “punish” myself afterward. I could stand it no more and got on the scale this morning. I actually haven’t gained. I haven’t lost…but I haven’t gained either. On the one hand I think this is great and it shows my body will not go out of whack just because I eat “normally.” On the other hand, I think of what the scale would do if I keep up the restriction. I see Toni tomorrow and we can process that through.

I think these mini-breaks with Rob have been good in some ways. The first 10-day break was not something I wanted and we just went through another one. We have one more week-long one coming up. I have a bunch of comp time coming from VBS so I am going camping for a few days the week of the 14th. I will see him that day and then take the 17th off. It’s helped me process things at a little slower pace and has actually helped me to be a little more open. I think…we’ll see after today’s session!

Home Again...

I survived. I survived house sitting, I survived the retreat and I survived going back home! This is good.

My other computer died...the one with all my notes and talks on it. I had to redo everything before I left. So, I am really happy with how things turned out considering I had to try and recall everything! As promised, the feedback from the group was pretty much nothing...but a couple people did come up to me and let me know that certain things really hit them. I think, for the most part, the Prayer Walk went well. I had an age range from 5th grade to 30-something. God really showed up. We had never talked about money and I wasn't sure if I was going to get paid (which was fine...this was my first time speaking in a very long time. Anyway, I was handed an envelope when I got there and I looked at it when I got to my room. Between what they paid me and the little bit I got for house sitting…I made just a couple hundred less than what I usually do each month. I am so going away for a few days!

I felt pretty good about it. Friday night and Saturday I think went very well. Sunday was okay. Sunday when I spoke to both the English and Taiwanese congregations was rushed out of my nervousness. God was there though…no doubt about that.

The session with Rob yesterday was “interesting.” Actually, I pretty much was able to tell him everything I had posted here last week and it went pretty well once I started. Heck…I even CRIED…that is a rarity. I hate to have him see me cry in any way, shape or form.

He did tell me while he’d never tell me it is OK to engage in behaviors, if I did slip, it wouldn’t mean termination. That still leaves me with the impression that slipping is not an okay thing. I did tell him I do hate the fact that I still see behaviors as my first option. I need to figure out why. I think most of it is the familiarity of them and for the stupid “high” you do get…the release. We discussed that in many ways I am like a “dry drunk” and he has a point there as well.

I am really hoping that since I was able to actually tell him that I thought I have been mad at him for the past 21 months and he SMILED as I said it (I think he has been waiting for this day…not what I said but the fact that I admitted to possibly being mad at anyone) and saying it was OK that the blocks I have had…the walls I have built up even in his office…will begin to crumble because I can obviously tell him ANYTHING.

Ack!

Tomorrow the retreat starts! Ack! I think I am pretty well prepared...but we'll see. I just know God is going to show up and I think that's why I am so calm. I have got to get the Prayer Walk/Stations thing done tonight though. As I pack up and get ready to leave my house sitting gig!

What is Going on in My Head?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Bueller?

Bueller?

Change is good. Change is a part of life. But, I think change is what is kicking off the ED stuff in my head. Of course the timing stinks because Rob and Toni are on vacation, but change waits for no one. Not that I can't handle it...I am pretty sure I CAN and it's not even bad stuff...but I think it is just uncovering wounds that haven't quite healed.

I feel silly for letting Debra starting at church get to me. I met with her for almost three hours. I love her, I think she can make stuff happen that I wanted to...but for reasons not all ED related...probably wouldn't have in the first place and I know the kids are going to love her as well. Yet, it still hurts. I think the good thing is I can hear Rob tell me that as much as I don't want it to or as much as I tell myself that it "shouldn't" hurt that the reality is it does. And it makes sense why. Hating myself for feeling what I am isn't helping, blah, blah blah...

The thing is that I can tell myself all that...but he's in Santa Barbara (or will be) and I have a hard time sitting with it alone. I do understand where it comes from. I loved the kids, I loved being their YD, but it's been over for three years and honestly, I wouldn't take the job back if they offered it (I like being "just" a volunteer), but it's still hard to see someone else in that role. I knew those feelings would probably surface, but I think I am surprised they actually DID.

The first thing I want to do is purge those feelings. There are times I want to yell at Rob and tell him it's not fair that I had to give up behaviors before I was ready to do it for myself...that I did it more out of fear of what would happen if I couldn't control them. Then I want to tell him that in such and such a movie (thanks, Lifetime) so and so's therapist didn't make her quit until she was ready to release the behaviors herself. But, this isn't a made for TV movie. I am beginning to think I am really mad at Rob for pretty much making me give it all up cold turkey. Not that I want to go back. But, I need to know it is not the end of the world if I slip at some point in time.

Stuff

Let's see...

1. The new Youth Director started and she ROCKS! I am excited to have her on staff, to have be part of her YM team and for what God is going to do through her. She feels many of the same things about the group that has been flaoting in my head and I know she is the catalyst that will bring that stuff to fruition.

2. House sitting is going well. I am getting used to it...which is kinda bad since the 30th I will be back to my house and all that goes with it. Thought tomorrow I may go over there. I miss my doggies. I like Molly...but it is not quite the same.

3. Food is starting to improve. It's hard because of the heat...but I'm doing it. I just hate it because of how I feel everytime I need to start from scratch...should be incentive. However, there are times I really, really, really like the feeling of no food in my body and that far outweighs anything else much of the time.

4. Rob goes on vacation next week. I was expecting it (he confirmed last week), but I wish it wasn't the week before the retreat I am speaking at. I could just use that safe place next week before I do this thing. At least if I stink too bad I won't worry about them spending $$ on me...I only get mileage. The theme is "God's Presence" and thanks to Chris over at Paradoxology, I got some ideas that spurred other things in my head.

5. Numbers. I am working on that one this week with Rob. What they mean to me, why they mean anything, what they get in the way of, etc. I told him a huge motivation for not engaging in behaviors are my numbers. I don't want to break my streak, but I thought that was not a good motivation. Then I got really honest and told him the other motivation was what happened the last time I used a behavior (other than restriction). Granted, I had kept Rob in the dark for a week, but the look on his face, the silence in the office, the fact he was almost going to terminate me for being "defiant," has been a deterrent to be sure. I am also sure in the past almost 21 months that I have embellished in my head his reaction...but maybe not. Don't want to find out.

I was worried about what I had said when I mailed him later he thought it was "honest and refreshing" and wants me to wear a mirror on my head so he can watch his facials! HA! He is a nut. Which I remind him of everytime I bake him something with nuts in them.

Time Flies...

Pool and Praise went well. Seven kids came which is more than usually come to youth group on Sunday nights! Okay, that's because we don't have a ton of Junior Highers...but with the new kids moved up that will change come fall.

Yesterday I was taking Molly out for a walk and walked a mile and a half. This is a good and bad thing. The part of me that liked to overexercise would do this several times a day. However, the weather makes it a moot point. I wore the poor dog out!

On our way back to the house, we passed a Planned Parenthood. Just speaking in terms of rights...PP has every right to be there and the protesters have every right to protest on public property. However, from a 1/2 block away hearing these "well meaning Christians" yell at a client and then getting closer and seeing the PP staff has to have dogs with them, has to block off their property, etc. Well, it just rubbed me the wrong way. That's all I am going to say about that.

I should give up food. 1) I don't need it and 2) I have had the worst luck lately. I decided to buckle down and eat three meals yesterday. I did. But, the chicken I made for dinner didn;t make it BACK to the fridge last night. Ugh. I was so bummed. So, decided to cook the steak I bough the other day. It looked "funny." I checked the "sell by" date. In the trash it had to go. Like I have $$ to waste. I would think this is all subconscious, but I LIKED the way my chicken turned out and I would have been thrilled to have leftovers. Grrrr....

I still need to write my retreat talks. It's all in my head...I just need to get it all on paper!

Pool and Praise!

Tonight starts our annual summer "Pool and Praise." I have NO clue who is coming. As usual, no one bothers to tell me these things...even when I ask. I expect it will be the "usual suspects," and I am bringing one of them with me!

This summer we pretty much have stopped everything (Sunday School and "normal" youth group)and next year I am either going to really push for no SS for all...or make sure that someone else does child care and we do have something for Jr. High...especially with the new 6th graders moving up. This has got to be a little strange for them...even though they know all the others anyway.

I am going to take them through Steven James' "Never be the Same." I think it will appeal to all of them. Then I will have a few of the follow up questions on the Jr. High blog. This means "S" and "G" and "M" will be the only ones who answer...but it'll be OK.

The new Youth Director starts Monday. I can't wait to meet with her. I have no clue of she is going to do what I did (be with high school and let the volunteers run Jr. High) or if she has a new structure in mind. I really want to give a lot of Children's Ministry leadership away in the fall. Not so I can pursue Jr. High (afterall, I am "just" a volunteer), but because I need to and I want to and I think we are really in a place where equipping people will be a huge success.

My SP told me that after almost four years, some people aren't quite sure what I do and others are confused about the new hire and think I'm leaving. Ummm...I haven't been Youth Director in THREE years! HELLO! I can't tell you how well this is all communicated. Home meetings, Town meetings, newsletter, power point, how I introduce myself from the pulpit when I do announcements, etc. Okay, the fact people still think I am "in charge" of youth...kind of neat...but I pray that causes no problems for Debra. I think she is going to be INCREDIBLE and may be just the person to knock these kids out of their Holy Huddle syndrome. It took me a good 12 months to do that at my first church and I see a lot of similarities. Most of these kids (Jr. High through High School) have been together since they were born!

Anyway, pray for us tonight. I know the boys will be annoyed at the "praise" part of the night...but that's life!

Grrr...Why is this SO Hard?????

I should be in bed...or at least trying to relax and get some sleep. But, I am sitting here wanting to cut into my skin and make a box of Mac n' Cheese and throw it up. The worst thing is I don't know WHY.

I can think of some superficial reasons...but nothing really deep down and all that "fun" stuff. Maybe some of it is carry over from my faux pas from last week and not being able to resolve anything since I won't see Rob until Thursday. Maybe it is house sitting...I don't know how to be alone anymore. I really don't. As much as my mom drives me nuts...at least there is another person around. This is pathetic.

Besides giving in being a really, really bad choice...the only other reason I'm not is that I don't want to break my streaks. That be a lousy reason...but it's all I got right now!

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

This week I was fortunate enough to go to the 2nd game of the 4 game series between the Oakland A's and the Angels. Sorry, I REFUSE to call them by their full name. This is my third game this season...one in Anaheim, one at AT&T (thank you interleague play) and this one. I got a single ticket from eBay for a little less than 1/2 of what the person paid for it. I was in section 114, row 9, seat 11. Now, that is right behind the Angel dugout. It may have been row 9...but it was only FOUR rows up from the dugout. OMG!!! I was in heaven!

Lackey absolutely rocked (except for his first pitch...but who cares?)and I got to see Tim Salmon play. Okay, he went 0 for 4...but the fact he is there and on the roster is good enough for me. I have watched him his whole career as he went from Tom "freshly cooked" Salmon to "King Salmon."

They took 3 of 4 and are going into the All Star break 2 games in back of the A's and Rangers and a 1/2 game ahead of Seattle. They needed the wins!

People are generally very nice to me when I go to the games in all my Angels garb. Okay, that consists of a t-shirt and sweatshirt, but they are red and people know where my heart lies. But, I a not obnoxious about my fondness for the Angels and even I know the umpires made some pretty bad calls against the A's and shared that with those around me. Not that those calls caused the A's to lose the game...but they were pretty bad.

Chavez was up for the A's and I told the guys next to me I have mixed feelings because he is on my Fantasy team. That sealed it. They were stunned that a woman would even participate in a league and that kept them from bugging me about like the Angels for the rest of the game.

I am house sitting for the rest of the month and it's nice. A little weird...but nice. This also means I have DSL for the rest of the month and I love that!

Trying to be Positive...

So...it was very weird being home today instead of in Rob's office and playing with Frederick's ear as we talked. I had to cancel Monday so I will have all his money and be back on track NEXT Thursday.

Anyway, I talked to my SP yesterday and he is 100% fine with me continuing on with Jr. High! I don't know why he keeps pointing out that they can't pay me. Duh. I know that. I am just looking forward to meeting the new YD and helping in any way I can.

I Try...

Working PT, I try really hard to watch how I spend money. I have two credit cards only...one "normal" credit card and one from Old Navy. I could give up my other one no problem...but I "need" my Old Navy one and have been very good about both of them. Until my So Cal trip...so no more using the MC for at least six months. I try and make more than the minimum payments on both and usually succeed.

This month is turning into the worst first two weeks of any month financially in a long time. In the next few days I have my MC payment, my AAA membership renewal, my car insurance payment, I put off my cat's rabies booster so now I have to get it or I will be fined by the city and one more thing I can't recall. I worked and worked my numbers and even if one of two reimbursement checks I am getting for supplies and VBS stuff, I will barely make it to next Friday's pay day.

Yesterday, I emailed Rob and Toni to let them I am pretty sure I'd have to cancel my appointments. As I looked at my account and added it all up, there was no way I could spend an extra $130 on treatment stuff this week. It's just not there.

With Toni it was no problem. I rescheduled. NEVER in 3 1/2+ years have I ever had to cancel Rob. We have rescheduled (by his request at times and at my request as well, such as last week for VBS), we have cancelled when we are out of town and I let him know weeks in advance and vice versa. But, I have never had to cancel for any other reason. I haven't even seen his cancellation policy since the day I walked into his office. THAT is a huge, costly mistake:

Cancellation Policy

Cancellation needs to be made at least 50 hours (2 days for weekly schedule) or 100 hours (4 days for every-other-week schedule) in advance from the time of your appointment to avoid being charged for the session. Please do note that you will be responsible for full payment of session if you do not cancel before your scheduled appointment. ALSO NOTE THAT CANCELLATION NEEDS TO BE BY PHONE – NOT E-MAIL.

So, I had to cancel because I don't have the $80 to see him tomorrow and yet I now owe him that money anyway. I had to cancel Toni for next week so I can pay him what I owe him on top of the $100 a week I already pay him. At this point I may cancel Monday so I have the money to pay him all $160 next Thursday.

I know the policy isn't there to punish me...but oh my gosh. I have never missed an appointment, never cancelled on a whim. I have been there faithfully 2x a week for most of the 3 1/2+ years. You'd think there be at least one "grace" screw up. Heck, at RR you get one grace meal when you get there!

I feel like an idiot. I was cancelling so I wouldn't be cutting myself short and now I am still all screwed up this month.

Why I "Hate" the 4th of July...

Okay, I don't really. It's just been a LONG four hours with my grandparents and my mom and I am so glad she is going off to her room and will leave me alone for the rest of the night.

Actually, six years ago on the 4th of July I was bored to death because I was a 1a (I had been at RR for three days) and as such was not allowed to play any of the games nor walk anywhere until my labs came back. It was actually a BETTER 4th than today.

Not that it has been a huge disaster or anything, but it just grates on me when my grandmother refers to spumoni as "wop ice cream," she is just buzzed enough to bemoan some old boyfriend 20 years her junior about 40 years ago who brought her a dozen long stemmed roses on the 4th of July and my mother on the couch sleeping the day away. Oh, and my grandmother ants me to try and use the 'Net to track the giy down. Ummm....no. It was really nice escaping to my grandfather's bedroom and reading his newspaper and watching TV with him. Can today be over already?

Oooo...news on the new Youth Director! One of my Jr. High girls posted on our chat box on the Children's Ministry blog who it is. Gigi's mom is on Session so that is how she knows. Anyway, at the end of May we had one of our Coffee Houses/Open Mic. nights. This awesome African American family attended and honestly I was thinking Choir Director and not Youth Director when they showed up. Anyway, the mom from that family is going to be the new Youth Director and that is too, too awesome! Her daughter has an incredible voice and I hope she'll join the Youth Worship Team. I can't wait to officially meet them! I think it is going to be a GOOD thing!

Monday Musings

VBS 2006 is over. All I need to do is move the stuff we put in the narthex to storage and remove the Daily Challenge Flags to my office. I need to clean up the Children’s Church room, make returns to Berean Christian Store and then wait for Group to release the 2007 theme next Monday.

I am not sure I can adequately express what last week meant, how it went, etc. Not because I don’t know how it went…but because I have failed to engage in those feelings. As an outsider looking in, I think it was fantastic. We only had 25 kids, but they sang, they ran, they loved their leaders and you could tell they were having a blast. The feedback has been 100% positive…from the leaders, from the kids and from the parents. They told me about their kids singing VBS songs in the car all the time, they told me how much the kids loved their leaders and they thanked me for all my hard work. Heck, I’d do it again in a heartbeat…I am still exhausted…but it is all worth it.

My constant refrain is that I don’t deserve to feel good about what happened last week. I was simply doing my job. Rob told me there is no “deserve” about it and I get that in my head…but the rest of my being just scream that I don’t deserve to take any enjoyment out of what happened. It is selfish, self-centered and my volunteers deserve all the credit. Without them it could not have happened. Rob and I talked about choice…that when “I don’t deserve” pops up I have a choice what to believe. I told him I understand that, but it doesn’t feel like a choice. It doesn’t feel like I have the option of believing it or not…it just is.

Then I again told him what I hate to admit. I hate to admit it because even though it is true…it goes against every single thing I know to be true as a Christian. I told him that it would be so much easier to see these things as choices or to question my belief in certain things if I didn’t hate myself so much. The “funny” thing about that is I can look at things through a 3rd person lens and can’t figure out WHY or HOW I can possible hate myself with such a passion at times.

I have a job that while only PT I have come to love more than I ever thought possible. I have some great relationships with the Jr. Highers that are authentic and that means there is something there they see that I cannot. One of my friends asked me if the 5th and 6th graders were OK with coming to VBS. I could honestly tell her they like me so they are cool with it. For better or worse, I am fairly capable in the kitchen and love to share that gift with friends, family and Rob. I know that I know that I know I am not faking any of it; I can see where God has gifted me for ministry and am in the right place for this time in my life but there is that constant gnawing, that constant voice and the feeling at the core of me that it’s wrong…that I am wrong…that I am an example of a total failure.

It’s like I should just be able to tell myself that I know that has to be a bunch of baloney because if it were really true how could I walk into the Nursery and see John turn around and give me a huge smile or Anna let me cuddle her or kids I barely met at the beginning of the week giving me hugs and telling me they will be back next year!

We finally hired a Youth Director. I am excited and yet a little worried. It’s been three years since the job was stripped from me, but I am still not sure how I really feel. I wish it were a guy…I think it’d be easier! My biggest fear is that they are going to take Jr. High away from me. I can follow…that is not a problem and yet I can see why they would want me 100% out of the picture to let someone new make the connections. If that happens I know I am going to have some problems readjusting. I want to and need to support the new person so I will do it if I am asked…but I pray that they will allow me to continue on.

Quick Post

This is what I said about Day Two:

You know VBS is going well when...

1. kids (who are not "mine") give you the craft they made that day.

2. the day over and they STILL want you to lead songs (and you aren't a great singer at ALL)

3. they start a conga line during said songs and dance around the Chapel

4. they think making snack for everyone is fun!

Today being the midpoint...energy was a little down...but we all had fun. I am going to have very mixed feelings when it is over.

Food is really, really, REALLY difficult right now. I think I used the heat and VBS as an excuse to cut way back. Now one of the church family's wants to take me dinner to celebrate VBS this weekend. Ugh. I want to tell them know...but they are so supportive of me, my ministry at WPC and we are in the same small group...so now I am trying to find a "safe" place to tell them we can go to.

VIVA!!

So much to say...no time. But, I did want to pop in here and say hi to whomever may still be lurking about!

I have a confirmed 25 for VBS. Now for some that may not seem like a lot...for us it is a great number considering last year we had 14 and a lot of them were our kids. This year? I think 6 or 7 are church kids and the rest are from the community. Things are coming together, but my inflatable cacti will NOT be coming and I have a huge hole in my decorating scheme. I ordered in time, they are just back ordered. I'd order from OTC and have them rush it to my house, but I don't have the $$.

More later...I hope!

Life as I Know It...

That little logo says it all. I feel like I am eating, breathing and sleeping VBS right now. Oddly enough, it is Jana Alyara music going through my head instead of VBS music. This is not a bad thing! We kick off on the 26th. We don't have a lot of kids, but it doesn't matter, VBS is still labor intensive. One of the men at church put together a crew of four high school guys to build my frames for "Hot Bible Adventures" and next week I'll be painting up a storm to get ready to transform the church a bit.

One thing I LOVE about Communidad Latinoamericana is the fact they are that Latin Americans and part of the chpel is already decorated because of it! :) I found some great patterns to cut out from another church's VBS and I think the church will look great! Now, if I could get two more volunteers, I'd be golden!

The other thing is the Nursery/Toddler Room project. That is also nearing completion. There i some work that needs to be done in the changing room areas, but the main room is just about finished. I just need to get rid of some stuff, get the orders in for "Wallables" and the new crawl through/up/around toy and it'll be set. Oh...and the new countertops.

Other than that...things are chugging along. I see Rob today, Toni tomorrow...in a few short days it will be 20 months since I last purged and in 6 days 19 since I cut. I think it's hard to feel good about it because both things are still on the radar. I know thinking about it or feeling like I want to "indulge" isn't the same as engaging in behavior, but it is really hard to give myself a break about all that. I keep thinking that this far out I "shouldn't" feel I need to do those things. I really need to take "should" out of my vocabulary!

Round Two...

It happened so quick I am not even sure I know what happened. One minute I am offering to go with my mom so she can apply at Target and Mervyn's and the next minute she is yelling at me to just stay home and stormed out of the house. Before she started the yelling I asked her for a definite yes or no answer. She wouldn't give me one. I guess I am supposed to read her mind.

This time I didn't hesitate. I called Rob, gave her a few minutes and then left the house myself. I am at Panera right now. I plan om going to the SJ Ginats game and then I have no idea. I can always go to the office and sleep there. It's safe and it'll be quiet. Not sure I can handle actually going home.

Road Block...

Hmmm...

So, Rob and I had another "discussion" yesterday. I know I frustrate him. I even pretty much know WHY I frustrate him and in the trying to NOT frustrate him...I make it worse.

Here's the thing. After our catch up time (which may or may not include talk of movies, music and sports) and the checking in with the questions if I have cut or purged (no and no), comes the question: "So, what's going on inside Deneice?" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I don't KNOW...I really and truly DO NOT know! I do think about the question. In fact, I started to try and figure it out starting at 11:15 yesterdaty morning. By the time I got to his office for my 1:00 PM...I still didn't know and that just stresses me out. The question gets asked and then I just sit there because I don't know. Then I lapse into silence which we both hate and I try to come up with SOMETHING because he told me he'd pull out reading (this was a few months ago) and do that if I'm not going to say anything. I got the point, but I think me fear of "if I don't say something soon, he's going to really do it," takes over and makes it worse.

As we talked more one thing became very, very, very clear...I think the fear of changing my thinking isn't because I'm afraid of it. That may be part of it. You know, it worked once but now look where I am type thing. But, as we talking, another thought hit me between the eyes. Stay with me because what I am going to say contradicts itself. Not only from a who I am a Christian front...but simply by my actions. I show up willingly 2x a week. I shell out $100 a week (my g'ma picks up the other $60) and I trust the man completely....BUT...I think I question if I am worth the help, if I am worth his time, if I am worth recovery, etc. Heck, getting rid of behaviors is actually the easy part. Today marks three weeks since I have been eating a pretty normal meal plan and I thought the nutrition would help. Not so much.

We talked about me really speaking up and telling him what works and what doesn't. Like him telling me that x,y,z is normal and that everyone feels that at one time or another. DUH!

I said something to him about knowing that I am not going to be able shut off the condemning of my thoughts and feelings right away. I didn't say that to piint out he always tells me that...I said it so he knows I am listening to him and am trying. It turned into something funny, but I teared up because I was so afraid he'd think I was trying to mock him.

Monday we are going back to some EMDR stuff. Not EMDR itself because I have not been able to create a safe place...at least I wasn't the last time we tried. But, we are both hoping (praying) that just the little impulses will help me clear "the fog" that goes on when we try to delve into my head/heart. He is also not going to push the question and see if that helps as well.

I Gave In...NO! Not That!

I made my mother sit down across from me and not get up, not move (except to me info I needed)or anything until we were done with the application. We think we figured out where "I" (she) goofed. There is a question about being turned down by another Albertson's in the last 6 months. She really wasn't...she had a "pre-interview" type thing with someone at another store who had no business doing that so she had me answer "yes" the first time. This time we changd it and we'll see it happens. She outright lied on a couple questions ("I never say anything that hurts people," "I never swear when I argue")...but "whatever."

My mom tends to "apologize" with things or whatever. She took me out to sinner last night. Like that solved anything, but I went.

Yesterday morning she said she was selling the house and moving to Arizona. She thinks she'll like it. She has been there ONCE...for a week...SIX years ago for my Family Week. Okay, I love it myself...a lot...but I am not sure she'd like it as much as she thinks she would.

I have had a ton of chances to give in and I haven't and I have to admit...I am actually a little happy about that one.

However, VBS is going to send me over the edge! Not really...but close enough. I need one more station leader (we start three weeks from tomorrow) and no one says yes. High School Mission Project my foot! I think FIVE high school kids are helping...out of close to 20. If I hadn't been told (told...not asked) they were ALL going to help I wuld have recruited for this AGES ago. I have been trying for the last month. All I got at church today was, "Good luck."

UGH!

Thanks to Friar Tuck...I bring you these quizzes!

You Are Ned Flanders

A good neighbor and a devout Christian, you are a community leader. And you are called to make the world a better place, especially for left handed people. You will be remembered for: your goofy expressions - "hi-dilly, ho-dilly!" Your life philosophy: "I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!"

The Simpsons Personality Test

You Are Sunshine

Soothing and calm You are often held up by others as the ideal But too much of you, and they'll get burned You are best known for: your warmth Your dominant state: connecting

What Type of Weather Are You?

You are lettting her rotten mood and behavior affect your life. Only you can let her win.

I know when people say that they are well meaning…and they are right. But quite honestly, when you are trying to keep from ripping your skin to shreds and barfing a lung…it doesn’t help at all. Especially when what Rob and I have been dealing with is me not thinking I should even be allowed it exist because of what I have been told growing up.

It’s no secret that ever since I was little and my mom tried to kill herself the FIRST time that I have tried to stay out of her way and try not to give her reason to try again. My grandmother constantly reminded me that as long as I was around my mom would never be happy and no one would ever want to marry her. She kept trying to get me to come and live with her so my mom could have a life…a “REAL” life. It has always been very obvious that my mom had me because she had no choice…no matter what she has said; you can’t tell me that some of the stuff she has pulled shouts that she wanted to be a mom. One way I feel incredibly blessed, however, is the fact that none of the merry go round of men I had to deal with until I was in high school ever touched me. Okay, that came later with someone else…but at least she seemed to have enough sense to pick out men that weren’t complete losers.

The physical abuse is something I have dealt with much easier than the emotional/verbal abuse. I guess because eventually I grew taller than she. However, when she is mad…the woman can pack a wallop. You should see the hole in my wall she put there on my 16th birthday because she was upset I asked her to drive a friend home after church. This means that the family I went to church with would take us (as usual) and my mom would have to drive her less than 5 miles home. My guess I was in Jr. High when she quit hitting me.

All this to say…it still has not 100% sunk in that I deserve better because I don’t think I do. If I did…why would she do what she does? Lately I have been asking God why He has never let the ED take me or why He just doesn’t let me choose my own way out. There are days I don’t think I am going to escape with my sanity anymore.

My mom has her Unemployment Benefits appeal Thursday. In the mean time, she was told in a letter she had to continue to fill out claim forms because if she wins the appeal that is the only way she will get back benefit checks. Somehow, she thought I told her she had to bring them with her TO the appeal or they could wait until afterward. Ummm…no. She never bothered to read the letter herself. Okay, in a sane moment I know that is NOT my fault. But sanity doesn’t take place much in my house and it became my fault. That was yesterday.

Today she comes home and tells me she doesn’t have a job yet and it’s my fault. The applications ask all these questions…kind of like a mini-psycho/social evaluation. I guess some of the answers raised red flags and she didn’t get an interview. But, if she changes them she could have another shot. My mom is computer illiterate and I have had to do the applications for her. However, she never sits with me to do them. On this last one, she wouldn’t sit and answer them (about 100) because she already did it and I knew the answers. Fine…I answered them. Truthfully, if they are going to give the questions that much weight…she won’t get hired anyway.

I finally told her she had to do it herself…even if she had to hunt and peck at the keys. That was the wrong thing to say. So she calls a friend who will go to the store and do it with her. She tells her friend that I don’t have the time to do it and basically don’t care. She then stormed off with one of the dogs.

This absolutely confirms everything I keep telling Rob and I want to engage in behaviors because I really want to do something even more destructive. I was going to leave the house, but I wanted to talk to him first…just to get grounded a bit. I waited too long. She came home and now I am living the Silent Treatment. Against my better judgment, I made dinner as planned and actually ate. She refused to eat any of it.

This is so much more than letting her bad mood get to me. I see it as just further evidence on why I shouldn’t exist. I didn’t/haven’t given in to behaviors though. The thing is, I am not doing it for me. Rob finally called me and told me to, “Hang in there.” So, for him I’ll hang in there. For me…it’s keeping away from the blade.

I Hate, Loathe and Despise Food...

That title isn't even that close to an understatement. If I had the choice...I wouldn't eat. I know I DO have the choice...but I mean the choice without the inevitable ramifications of not eating.

I started breakfast almost 2 1/2 hours ago. I am getting ready to eat the banana now. I had a bran muffin about 7:15 this morning. I am really losing steam with this whole thing. I trashed my cottage cheese yesterday. It has nothing to do with it being cottage cheese. I LIKE the stuff. It had more to do with it being food. Since this whole eating three times a day is again a relatively new concept for me...I am really sticking with "safe foods" for breakfast: the muffins, fruit and cottage cheese. It's odd...if this was going to be my ONLY meal of the day...I'd branch out, but it's not so I reign it all in and do what is safe.

One wold think that after almost two weeks of this so called "normalcy," the roar of hunger would die down. Not so much. I think that is the worst part of all of this. I knew Toni would be thrilled with the fact...thakfully she also realizes that I am NOT and that I could stop without warning. I honestly hate the fact that I get hungry. I think it is insulting that I should be hungry. How warped is that? I do understand it is because I think I don't deserve food/nourishment, but understanding it and living with the tension are two different things. Please, please, please don't list reasons why I DO deserve food...it'll be nothing TOni hasn't told me and truly nothing I don't already know in my head...it's the journey to the rest of my body that I need to figure out for myself.

I have really struggled with the comments about me being "wonderful." I want to fight back with the "you don't know me other than through my blog/YS/YMX," "you read only what I write and you have no idea what I am like from day to day," etc. But, I am saying thank you. It's nice to hear when I am in a place that I don't get to hear it very often...other than Rob. He doesn't count...he gets paid!

Due to the holiday, I only get to see Rob twice this week. I miss it mainly because of the momentum. It can be hard to pick up where we left off when we go a whole week. Heck, I haven't eve emailed him or called him. Then again, I only call him to pass along American Idol info (i.e. if the results show was going to run over...his family had missed stuff because it ran a minute or two over), the latest sports talk, etc. I don't think I have called him for a "real" reason in ages. This is a good thing. We have about seven weeks before his annual vacation. That gives us lots of time.

Back to work!

The Problem with Eating...

1. The "Mom" Factor: After dinner and a snack last night...I was fine. Okay, I was still hungry...but I wasn't going to eat anything. I had three "eating episodes" yesterday and I was done. She was still hungry. I kept offering to make her something and she says, "If you aren't going to eat...neither am I." UGH! UGH! UGH!

2. The food itself: I am not used to eating so much. Okay, "so much" still isn't my full meal plan...but close enough. I hit a wall with breakfast yesterday, but it's been better this morning. After I am done with the muffins in the fridge...time to change things up.

3. "Control Freak:" Since I started this "listen to what Toni is telling me" thing...I have become really rigid with it. Not so much my meal times (i.e. I have been eating b'fast for almost an hour) as when I can start, when my last meal is, when I can have my night time snack, etc. This could be a problem.

4. Weight Loss: Yes, this is a GOOD thing...but the problem is what I have dropped in the last week. It really plays with my head. Now that I am getting my metabolism up and running...I want to figure out a way to rev it up even more to accelerate the loss more.

Then I take step back...

This is NOT about food or weight. Well, it is about food as far as me getting back on track for the first time since who knows when...but at the core of all this has very little to do with food and weight.

I blame Rob! ;) No, it really has to do with the work I am doing in therapy and anting to avoid the painful stuff.

A benefit of eating well for the last week has been being able to focus better in sessions. Not that I don't lapse into silence or that a "zillion" thoughts don't go through my head when he asks me something...but I am able to track with him better.

A HUGE problem/roadblock for me has been that I have been told that all I need to do (well...partially and not by Rob) is post some affirmations, read them all the time and that will change my thinking about me. Okay, I think that works for some people. I am not one of those people. We talked a lot about that yesterday.

We took the phrase, "I'm not good enough" and broke it down a little. For me, the phrse comes down to something that has been inrained in me since I was little kid. We talked about how that had to come from somewhere. That was an easy one...my mom and grandmother. Then he hit the nail on the head...it's more than just knowing it. It's delving into the emotions of it and grieving it and all that psychobabble that is very accurate. As I left his office and got to my car (it always works this way) it dawned on me that that is SO hard because I think I don't DESERVE to have any feelings over my childhood. Why? Number one...I am still convinced I deserved what I got and number two...many, many, many others have been through so much worse.

With the holiday Monday I won't see him until next Thursday, but I know we are going to have to dive into all this.

THE GOOD THING ABOUT NOT HAVING A REALLY BAD PROBLEM WITH EATING...

The new X-Men opens today!!! This is the first of the three movies where I won't be at Remuda! In 2000 I didn't see it until I got home in September and in 2003 I got to see it in Chandler...but not opening day! Woo hoo!

Who Knew?

Who knew that alomst a week of eating at least twice and at times THREE times a day would be a good thing? Yes, I knew that, but I like to IGNORE that little tidbit most of the time.

Back in 2000, I remember telling a friend of mine as we were coming back from Bible Study at Remuda, "Amazing what a difference it makes when you eat three meals a day for three weeks and keep it all down." My energy level (duh) is up and I am starting to sleep a little better. And I am focusing a little better than I have been.

I still hate every minute of it...but I am doing it. Plus, I want to go back to the gym. I think I will feel a little less guilty going if I am eating better. That is part of the deal...I need to eat to go. And, I know between the PCOS and the ED my metabolism needs to get revving again. That is one reason why breakfast is a must-do. However, here I am four hours later and I am STARVING. Grrr... I had two of my RR recipe bran muffins (they are good...believe me) and a cup of fat free milk and I "shouldn't" be hungry. Yet here we are!

One of the hardest things about all of this is my mom. So what else is new? But, more than just my mom it is her wanting to diet. In the 12+ months of being on SDI and now out of work period...she has gained a lot of weight for her barely 5 foot frame. I think a lot could be solved if a) she gets a job and b) she quits drinking Coke. Now, I don't drink the diet stuff...but I bet for every 6 she drinks I drink 1...maybe even .5. It is almost like a competition...who can eat less. I usually can win that one...but I really don't want to get sucked into that one.

So, I will cook and it is up to her if she wants to eat my meals or not.

Hi...Bye!

Sorry for the lack of posting. There are a million things going on and no time to do it all. I am busy here trying to get all my slots filled for VBS, working on getting the Nursery/Toddler Room project finished, plugging along on the playground, putting the finishing touches on our Jr. High calendar, figuring out what I am for sure doing with the kids this summer. We are stopping SS for children through High School, but I have to offer child care which means I won't get the break I was hoping for.

Then there is all the therapy gunk...but that's a whole other story.

I also have to eat breakfast. Can I tell you how much I hate it? I've done well...only missed one day since Friday...but I hate, hare, HATE it. I know why I need to do it and I agree with why I need to do it, but I just have doing it. However, it comes down to choice. I am choosing to do it and that is a good thing, but ugh!

Practicing Good Enough

I started this post yesterday and I lost it. I am going to try again.

This year when I went to PDCM, Craig Jutila (Children's Pastor) didn't start off with some PD nuts and bolts...he began with "Do the Little Things That Make the Little Difference That Makes the Big Difference." They were small "tidbits" that while from the outside may not seem like there is a change...but internally you will know. Craig included things such as "Rejoice in the Lord," "Control the Climate," "Carry a Mirror, "Floss Daily," and finally..."Practice Good Enough." He unpacked thaone because he knew people would be stunned. It hit me between the eyes.

He talked about what he meant and what he didn't mean. But, as I told Rob, I am not sure I would know "good enough" if it came up and slapped me! The bottom line was, "Give yourself permission to do the best you can with what you've got." God has a sense of humor. This has come at the "best" time.

As I have talked about, I am in the middle of two (three if you count VBS) big projects at our church. One is the complete refurbishing of the Nursery/Toddler Room. This is more than just a coat of paint (which will be completed on the 27th). It has been writing policies, putting in better safety procedures, background checks, etc. It has meant new furniature, new toys, completing redoing the changing room (the building was built in the days of cloth diapers...the changing rooms were set up for that and have never been changed...they had an interesting method of disposing "solid waste."), adding a dishwasher to sanitize tiys, training a volunteer team, etc.

The second is a new playground. We have been renting office space to a division of YL for several years. They are building their own building right behind us. To make this happen, they had to tear down our existing playground. That playground was 25+ years old. We can't put the equipment back up, they have torn up some of our concerete, etc. They have said they will help with the costs. Anyway, we began this process in February and it is slow going. The playground is designed, I think our Session is 99.9999% behind it and we are even talking about an expansion.

All this is not being completed by me alone. I have teams, elders, etc. on board. But, I have no control over some of this (i.e. one of the elders is has had to travel for work for months now) and I am really having to accept doing the best I can with what I have available at this moment. The good thing is my SP realizes this and is cool with it.

Even with VBS my success is not being evaluated on numbers (he said he sees I have done all I can do publicity wise), but on how well trained the volunteers are. That is actually not a bad thing. I'll take that over the numbers game every time.

As I have been spinning with this and Rob and I have been talking about it...it came down to the core issue...not feeling like I am good enough. He just HAD to throw that in to the mix. He's right though.

Anniversary Part 2

I am really not dwelling on the whole thing. But this time of year it really does play out in my mind a lot. Today has been a good day so far. I am waiting for my mom to get home and then it is off to the grandparent’s house for lunch…most of which I cooked. I am a culinary genius. I may feel stupid and worthless 98% of the time…but the 2% that is in the kitchen is NOT dumb at all. Rob says from time to time I should change careers…but then I think the love I have for it and the joy I get from it would be gone. Doug said that what I do in the kitchen for others IS a ministry and “going pro” may take away from that. Not to mention the fact I can’t afford culinary school.

LATER:

So, while most of the day was fine…the end wasn’t so great. My mom is out of work and that’s all I am going to say about that. *Rolls Eyes* Anyway, she has an interview Tuesday and she wanted to make another dry run so she knows where she is going. If she EVER has to take a behind the wheel test again…she’ll flunk. Not only was she constantly going under the speed limit, she made and illegal left turn and when I told her she needed to get in the right lane to turn onto the street we needed to go home…she got into the LEFT lane. Once I finally got her to go into the right lane (she yelled at me and I told her it wasn’t my fault she can’t tell her left from her right) she almost gets us killed because she STOPS in between the two lanes and then tries to change over with a car coming on our right side. She told me she is never going to go anywhere in the car with me again. Not a problem. Unless we are going to my grandparent’s house, I am NOT getting into a car with her unless I drive.

Six years seems like a lifetime ago. In some ways I feel like a totally different person but in others I feel just as messed up as I did then. I think what scares me about that day is how impulsive I was. It never really occurred to me to NOT take a bunch of pills. Then I compare it to my last really serious bout with suicidal ideation and it’s like night and day. The last time I had plans, I knew what, had an idea when, etc. I think six years ago was a reaction to what was going on with Marc leaving, my declining physical and emotional health and just wanting it all to stop.

I’m exploring the whole “good enough” aspect of my life and it’s been interesting. I have realized that perfection would probably not be “good enough.” I have no idea what good enough is because I always feel that my best could be better and that there is something more I could do/should do/have to do/need to do. But I also know I am going to either burnout and/or relapse if I can’t get “good enough” through my thick head!

Heck…my mom said today I don’t need to eat. Maybe she’s right. This is a HUGE problem right now. As good as my So Cal trip was and as much as I was ready to come home…I think it triggered the beginnings of a depressive episode. For the first time in a LONG time I can actually tell. This is a good thing.

Anniversary Part I

So, here I am again. Tomorrow is Mother’s Day. The dates have lined up just as they did back in 2000. Mother’s Day fell on a Sunday. The 17th fell on a Wednesday.

I know. I write about this every May, but this year it didn’t it me until Wednesday how the dates were lining up!

On May 14, 2000, I made a half-hearted suicide attempt. I am not sure if it was half-hearted as much as sense got knocked into me before I was able to do any damage to myself. Two days before that, May 12th, I had my next to last appointment with Marc. He knew I was on shaky ground. We talked about it. I was very open with him about how many pills I had and that I had spent a lot of time counting them. Each session he asked me if I was safe and I told him yes. That afternoon I lied. Then I got to The Block to go see a movie and called to tell him I lied. I lied, but that day I really thought I was going to be as fine as was possible at that point.

I think was just emotionally and physically spent. I was hardly keeping food down, he was leaving in a few days and it all seemed totally pointless. Robbie didn’t even know how bad things were. Well, physically he did because he was afraid I was going to pass out on him during our morning walks, but I never let on to the other stuff. My guess was he was stunned when I called to tell him I was in the Psych ward.

On the morning of the 14th I got up, went to church, served with the 5th and 6th graders and came home. I called my mom and grandmother to wish them Happy Mother’s Day, took a nap, got up and took a few too many Prozac. It’s weird because I realized on the way to church I had forgotten to take my meds and had just planned to take them later. “Them” being one pill…singular…not what I ended up taking. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to do. Just as I was getting ready to take a second handful the sense got knocked into me. It really didn’t do enough damage, but after IMing with some people from Something Fishy, they talked me into going to the ER. Luckily, they let me go after the Psych consult.

Drive by Posting!

I want to sit and write a long post, but I don't have time right now. I have to get my VBS BB completed and then I have a meeting with our playground consultant to talk about a possible expansion to what we have already planned.

Not that I let stuff slide, but it is amazing that being gone 9 days has had such an impact on "stuff." But, I think it has more to do with my PT status rather than being a flake. It also just dawned on me that I think I am trying to make up for that time by working like a madwoman.

Sunday we had an impromptu water fight with Jr. High. That was sooooooo much fun! I think mainly because it was unplanned. Jr. High is small...we had a whopping THREE kids show up! In about three weeks that will change. We will go from a 3-4 average to about double with the new kids moving up. It's hard to plan...but I love it anyway! We all had fun and the parents were fine with it. This, as we all know, is a GOOD thing.

It was a rough start with Rob when I got back...but we are back on track. Which, in the world of "fun," is NOT even on the planet. Big picture it is a GOOD thing...I think.

Lately he has been forgetting to ask me the questions about using behaviors and he remembered at the tail end yesterday. I have been tempted to ask him to skip that part and trust me to tell him if I slip. Honestly? Not sure if that would happen. Maybe in a few months. I really like having that accountability.

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a multi dimensional wonderland, with many layers. You're the type that always has multiple streams of though going. And you can keep these thoughts going at any time. You're very likely to be engaged in deep thought - and deep conversation.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

You Are 30% Weird

Not enough to scare other people... But sometimes you scare yourself.

How Weird Are You?

I (A Meme)

I was tagged by Ryan.

I AM: Director of Chilidren's Ministry, a Jr. High volunteer and a member of the Presbytery Youth Sub-committee.

I WANT: to move out of my house and into my own place again!

I WISH: my job was full time.

I HATE: rude people.

I LOVE: "my" kids!

I MISS: My friends in "The OC."

I FEAR: that I will never fully recover.

I HEAR: the May YS Podcast.

I WONDER: where God is leading me on this crazy adventure!

I REGRET: how I have allowed fear to hold me back at times.

I AM NOT: sleeping well!

I DANCE: NEVER!

I SING: in the car...even though I have a lousy voice!

I CRY: not nearly enough. I think (for ME only) it is a weakness that cannot be indulged.

I AM NOT ALWAYS: happy. I find myself "content" which is not a bad thing and happiness in temporal...but I don't find myself there very often.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: a bunch of stuff I bake and cook!

I WRITE: my blog and our Children's Ministry Blog.

I CONFUSE: excellence/"good enough" with perfection.

I NEED: to stop restricting as a reaction to my recent vacation when I ate like 2x a day.

I SHOULD: get back to the gym, unpack my car and get back to work!

I START: major VBS work this week!

I FINISH: pretty much everything I start.

I tag Mel, PK and Tina

Here I Am...the OC!

I left yesterday at 4:45 AM. I had to be sure I got here in time to see Dr. D. I did. He was surprised. It was good.

After I saw him I tried to check in, but it was too early so I went to grab lunch. I came back, got my room and hung out until a movie and dinner with a friend. That was really nice. I hadn't seen Steve in probably 4 or 5 years, so there was a lot to catch up on. I know...a movie doesn't help...but it's our "thing." We went over to the Fox Sports Grill and spent 3 1/2 hours catching up. That was really nice. It was like a Youth MInistry walk down Memory Lane! Wondering what some kids are doing that we worked with 10+ years ago, etc. I think we'll hang out again later this week.

Today I am heading to Disneyland. First, Downtown Disney to meet deltacogirl from YMX and then head into the park. Depending what time we get together, I may go early. I am dying to get on Space Mountain and I want to ride the new Monsters, Inc. ride. I also need my Tower of Terror fix!

I'll be back there tomorrow, but since I know I can't lift Gina out of her wheelchair for a lot of stuff...it'll be limited and I may go back later that night to play catch up. I just can't wait to spend time with her.

Monday I will head out there on my own and except for leaving to see Dr. D...I will be there open to close.

Have a great day!

Memories...

I am usually glad I have a pretty good memory. Sometimes it is downright scary. One time, years ago in a staff meeting, our Exec. Pastor couldn't remember something and I was able to tell him who said what, when and where we were each sitting at the time. I amazed the staff and J was glad he had someone who could remember stuff in such detail.

Sometimes it's downright annoying. There are times I plain don't like remembering so much...especially the hard stuff.

Then there are the very few times when memories come back out of nowhere and are usually not pleasant ones at all.

The latter happened last week. BOOM...seemingly out of the blue a memory from 7th grade came to me. One that I had not thought of in years and years and had pretty uch forgot it happened. It was a split second incident...but one that left me feeling very dirty and disgusting as the memory replayed itself over and over Thursday night and much of Friday. I wanted to cut and I came really close to purging...but I didn't. I sent an email to Rob instead and told him. Then I took my mom out to dinner for her birthday. She turned 60 yesterday...but we were with my grandparents and my grandfather cooked...so I decided I'd take her out since I didn't have the $$ to make a big deal out of her 60th. It is amazing how much calmer one feels after eating a meal with all the food groups (well...no fruit)represented.

I had told Rob that I really didn't want to talk about "the incident," when I emailed him...but I knew better. So, we talked and I he asked me what I felt. Honestly? I don't know. What goes through my mind is what is so wrong with me...so defective that someone thought they could touch me like that and it be ok? Especially by another kid. Then it dawned on me that this happened just a few month before I was molested by my uncle's best friend. I was 11 when I first started 7th grade...but just the first 6 weeks and I know it happened later. I am just trying to think if it happned before or after the rumor that I slept with the Choir Director to win a raffle. I think it was after. Stupid, innocent me had to have it all explained to me because I was oblivious to the rumor and then fairly oblivious to the meaning. Goodt Two Shoes Am I!

I finally got Rob to understand that when I tell him I am stupid that I mean it. I will say that and then he will say that I am not being truthful. I FINALLY was able to get the guts to tell him that him telling me it I wasn't being truthful was HIS opinion and that I MEAN it. That took us to a discussion of me being told over and over and OVER growing up that I was book smart but was stupid/dumb otherwise. That just because I was in college didn't mean I was smart...that I thought I was better then my family because I was in college, but that I didn't truly know anything. He gets it. It almost made me cry last Thursday when he told me that what was said to me was tragic and that no one deserves it.

Today, as I think I frustrated him again, he decided to try a different angle. I think he sees the lecturing me on "thinking about my thinking" is not working. So, he went with the gut wrencher...some of the reparenting stuff. I hate it. Okay...I sort of hate it. I kinda like it...it makes me feel less a loser.

He told me that if someone did what was done to me (and he has a daughter and son) and he found out, he would clear his schedule for the rest of the day, come down to the school and make sure it was taken care of. I told him he is the only one who knows...I have never told anyone else until I emailed him. Then he did the, "Oh, Deneice" that makes me want to burt into tears. The guy who did what he did was a bully and had been harassing me off and on anyway. When I finally went to the office over another incident with the guy (for the life of me I can't remember what it was), I got blamed by both the school and my mom for "provoling him." To hear Rob say what he did to me...it was hard to keep it together. How I wish I had had a parent like that. I know I'm not the only one.

He reiterated that he thought what my family said to me was "tragic" and told me he didn't think he was being overdramatic about it and continued to point out how wrong they are. There is a small part of me that want to belive it...probably the part that kept from slipping into behaviors...but it doesn't seem possible.

Speaking of behaviors...as of today I am 19 months purge free. When I leave for "the OC" Friday I will be 18 months self harm (cutting) free. I can't wait to share that with my chiropractor because he will be thrilled.

I can't wait to Friday. Not that I am necessaruily UNhappy here...but I get to go where I have been my happiest (and also my sickest...an interesting combo) and where I have no doubt at all...I am loved.

Update 1

I have a cake cooling for tonight’s small group and am letting some sugar eggs harden before I scoop them out and put them either in the oven or sit out overnight, Since I haven’t decided what I am going to with them yet, I will probably just let them sit overnight.

Last night’s SJ Giant’s game was a hoot. They won! But it took to the bottom of the 11^th to get there. It was so cold by the time the game and fireworks ended, but it was neat being at a baseball game opening day! The team got their rings (they were the CA League 2005 champs) and the new mascot arrived in style…in a helicopter! He is a big orange (we are the farm team for the SF Giants and the color was “SF Giant’s Orange”) ape and the first time the team has ever had a mascot. The pitcher had a “thing” for hitting the batters. It was funny in a sad way, someone asked (loudly) about it and someone yelled out from the crowd, “It’s just a new thing they do.” At the end the crowd was getting on the team to score and end it. There were shouts about wanting to go home and get some sleep because of work, about wanting out of the cold and wanting to get to the fireworks. The crowd thinned out as time went on. It WAS a school night after all!

“Every 15 Minutes” was presented at Leigh High School this week. It is a program that demonstrates the dangers of driving and/or getting into a car with someone who is under the influence. The first day, about 20 kids were pulled from class by the “grim reaper.” The kids knew a week in advance this was going to happen. The rest of the school had no clue. They had to leave everything and leave the room. A parent volunteer escorted the student to the command center to get made-up as a “dead” person. While that happened, the police officer and I walked in. He read the obituary and I was on the lookout for anyone who was distressed and maybe needed to talk. We left and then two parent volunteers came in to collect the books/backpacks and to put a rose, a picture and a black ribbon with the student’s name on it on that empty space.

After that happened, a crash scene was set up on the football field and it was run as a real 911 call. One kid was DOA, two were stuck in a car and the other was a drunk driver. It was pouring down rain and the students were sent home after this part of the program. What we didn’t see (until the next day) was what happened at the hospital, police station and the parent notifications. The parents were in on all of this, but it was heart wrenching to see the parents genuinely react to all of this…even knowing their child was still alive and safe.

The next day was a memorial service. We are talking flowers, special music, all the parents and a casket. The SJPD bagpipes were there as were members of the sponsoring agencies in uniform. The video showed events from the week before focusing on the kids who would be “killed” the next. It showed the grim reaper and the accident scene and the aftermath. We saw the driver being booked and put in a cell, we saw a mom having to come to the morgue and ID her child and two other families be told at the hospital their child didn’t make it. They also showed the parents going in and saying their goodbyes. I am not sure what was more jarring, seeing the kids in the bleachers in tears or the rescue/agency personnel.

That night, the kids went to a retreat center and their parents did a mini-retreat. The kids, their parents and some of their friends all had the chance to write letters. They were supposed to be in the “what I never had the chance to say” vein. They were read during the service. Finally, a local woman who lost half her family because of one drunk driver spoke. It was heartbreaking…more so because she had to speak twice and had never done that before. The accident was 9 years ago, but it as very fresh for her even now.

This is getting long, so I’ll write about the therapy stuff in another post.

So Much to Say...

Just a really quick check in...if anyone still reads this. Things have been really, really busy since last Thursday.

I want to share more of it with you, but it will probably have to wait a day or so.

My session with Rob went really well as did the one Monday. My appt. today is in 90 minutes. It's been amazing and yet draining. I hate to admit I felt good when Rob told me he was proud of me last week...but I was.

I participated as a volunteer for the Every 15 Minutes drunk driving program at a local high school and the lasdt two days have been emotionally draining...even i the whole thing is set up...it is still very rough to get through.

My grandpa and I are going to the home opener of out minor league SJ Giants tonight. Woo hoo!

I leave for "The OC" in 15 days!