I don't know why I feel the way I do. I mean I knew Yac...but I didn't "know" him. Maybe it's because I'm jealous he is Home and I yearn to be. Maybe it's because it is such a loss to the YM and Christian community and general and maybe it's because that wonderful passion has been taken from our midst.

Talking to Les Christie helped and I have been touched by some of the emails I have received checking on me. It is truly like a member of my own family is gone!

I am in such a funk. Tomorrow I finish cleaning and leave my apartment...ugh...I feel like I still have a ton to do there, but I really don't...got most of it done yesterday.

The church in Mesa, AZ wants me to continue on in their serach process. I want to...but I know what Rob said...but the application is just phase 2.

Today is Thursday and thus reliving the stuff I have been reliving for two months now and nausea setting in already. If I wasn't already seeing the good and God's healing...I'd bail on this topic with Rob.

Stop the world...I wanna get off!

I don't mean to have a rotten attitude...but today is just one of those days when it seems like this battle is NEVER going to end and I am worn out from trying to fight it and get life stuff done at the same time.

My sleep is more way off than usual and I think that is part of the reason...plus my ED behaviors...I also know stress causes me to cycle into a depressive episode...so I am trying to do what I need to to combat it. I'm outta bed, I am at work...I am going to see Rob...so I am doing the right things...but I can "feel" the clouds...

This is going to pretty quick! I need to get to work and get to finishing my move.

I am now the proud owner of my very own Frederick puppy (well...Patrick is its actual name) that I received as a gift and my gift to me this year was pre-ordering "Finding Nemo." :)

Tomorrow Rob and I jump right back into everything...ugh! But, there is a light at the end of this very, very, VERY long tunnel...and I am not going to get to it if I try to avoid the tunnel. Blah!

Well, I am off for the rest of the day. I am looking forward to dinner tonight with friends and just having a nice, low key day.

Last night was the first time I allowed myself b-day cake in ages. I did purge later last night (I was hungry again and then was guilty...go figure), but at least I had it and even brought the rest home.

Baby steps!

Today I am 34 years old. Scary monsters!

I am 34 and have to move back into my mom's house because I have been unable to find another job. That is sooooooo depressing!

Today is the last Kidz Club and I am so happy! I really got into this having Sunday nights off thing when I got back from Remuda. So, after tonight, I get a couple months of being able to watch "American Dreams! Woo hoo!

I took a picture of the "scene of the crime" and just printed it off on my printer for Rob tomorrow. It is the day before my b-day...like I WANT to rehash all this tomorrow of all days? Ick. But, as much as I hate it...I don't want to lose momentum either. So, dig in again we shall.

The move is almost complete and though I am not thrilled having to live with my mom...after last night I am so glad I will be out soon. First there was "limo guy," but I was able to blow him off pretty quickly. Now there is "creepy neighbor guy." I thought I got rid of him the FIRST time I toldhim I was moving. As I was taking garbage out last night...he stopped me and asked me about the moving thing. I hope he sees Jose's truck come get my "big stuff" Monday morning.

I took a bunch of stuff over...am getting unsentimental about someitems and am shoving other things in boxes because I want the items...just no room for them in one bedroom. I cleaned out my freezer and moved its contents to my mom's house and all my pots and pans. I can get by if I split the rest of the week between my apartment and my mom's house. Right now both living areas are a mess! But, it will give me something to do when my mom starts driving me nuts!

So, here I am days before my 34th birthday and I want nothing more than a stuffed dog. I think what gets me is I am going to be THIRTY FOUR years old and my family has NO clue what to get me. I got a $50.00 check from my grandparents and will probably get $25.00 from my mom. Like that takes a lot of thought. It drives me nuts! Oh...and I think we are celebrating on Monday with PIZZA! Ugh...HELLO!!! Anyone want to ask ME if I am okay with pizza? Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! On my actual b-day Bill and Kim are taking me out to dinner. At least it will be relaxing!

Okay, I need ton take a picture of the garage at my mom's, get an iced non-fat white mocha and head home in time for Game 6. I want Rob to see the garage when I yet again describe everything in detail.

I think I am really getting to the point where I am not blaming myself as much. There will be much rejoicing in his office on Monday. But even when In get passed that it could NOT be an innocent 12 year olds fault...there is still the feelings and the flashbacks and the still being able to feel (physically) all of it. Rob can tell because of how I start acting when the "film" starts rolling.

Someday this will all be over and I know that...it's just holding on until it is...God give me the strength to keep the fight!

Happy Friday!

The past two months have been very interesting...to put it mildly. They have been the hardest, heart wrenching, yada, yada, yada, months I have ever had in therapy. But, I have discovered a couple things:

1. Rob REALLY IS in this for the long haul
2. My life and my therapy life collide WAY too much ;)

Seriously though, dummy me asks Rob to read my blog just once and I promised we'd talk about it. I meant my entry from last Friday. He read the whole month of October! No biggie...he knows it all...but I really didn't want him to read the stuff about HIM...his ego is big enough (kidding)! :) But it is true...lately he such the human voice of truth in my life.

After a mini-crisis last weekend (okay...big mini-crisis) Mr. Voice of Truth calls me at the office (I am usually not here on a Saturday) and has me come in for a 90 minute session. One thing he said is that he is also the voice of reason in my life right now. So true.

Anyway, I know many of you have talked about giving up your careers right now and now I think it's my turn.

I have sent a few resumes here and there and sent one to a church in PHX earlier this week. They called right away and I spoke to someone on the phone yesterday. I thought of NOT mentioning it to Rob...but changed my mind and did anyway.

He told me what I didn't want to hear...but what I NEEDED to hear and I am so grateful...well...in the long run I will be. He said that I am a gifted youth worker and have probably not tapped my full potential yet...BUT he wants me a lot healthier and eating better before I do another Indiana fiasco! My words about IN...not his.

He's right...I hate it...but he is right. So, I am going to email them and ask them to take my name out of consideration. I have a couple more resumes out there that I won't hear from for some time so I am going to let those stand.

Ugh. Part of me feels good because I know it is the right thing...but part of me wants to fight it!

OH...and #2...Rob and I know too many of the same people!

Okay, so maybe I still have work to do...but it is readable and that is the important thing! I am not sure what I did to get things in and out of the box. Weird.

*^&%$^&%$#!!!!!!

Still working...ugh! I will get this right!

I just changed to this new skin...it may take time to get stuff back in order! Stay tuned!

I love parents...just not fond of them being a) non-responsive when a problem comes up and b) does not hear what I said.

A couple weeks ago one of the 3rd graders brought some empty shells he picked up with his dad at the shooting range or something like that. he, of course, brings them to church. I ask him to please keep them in his pocket and C is totally cool with it.

Come to find out on Sunday (2-3 weeks later) that he took them out on the playground, J (a K-boy) was all caught up in it and drew pictures of it on the way home. Mom comes to talk to me and I tell her that yes I knew C had them and that he has not brought them back and I asked him not to and was sorry that J saw them. I also said C's mom knew, etc. So, J's mom goes to the SP and says I said we couldn't do anything. Ugh!

So, I called C's mom and reiterated that he not bring the shells to church and to please leave the cap gun at home on Sunday night and call me if she has questions. She takes a "boys will be boys" attitude and so not sure how much will sink in!

Another Thursday...another session with Rob and having to dig deep. Part of me wants to run like I used to way back. But, I have gone past the place that caused me to run in the first place and four years later I have not run yet. Changed therapists a bunch of time...thus being in therapy for four years...but have never stuck it out this long. Wow...I just realized it has been four years. Whoa...

I was talking with my SP on Tuesday about how hard I am working with Rob (it feels like it at any rate) and how I hate what we are doing right now...but that it needs to be done. He totally supported and agreed with me. He said the only way to do this is go through it (he has firsthand knowledge) and to let the dam break. He also reiterated that it was not my fault and there is no way it could be. I am so thankful for a supportive SP!

My Immortal


*What Song by Evanescence are You?*
brought to you by Quizilla


Now I have to get the CD!

I have had more to eat in the past few days than I have in ages. I hate it, yet at the same time it does help me to stay present and able to work with Rob...and it's what I NEED to be doing as well. Toni will be happy.

I found pix of my dad that Rob wanted to see...wish I could find more, but I have no clue where mom put the old albums. These will have to do!

You're Most Like The Season Spring ...

Fresh faced, with a young outlook on life - you
smile at the world and expect it to smile back
at you. You're mostly a bubbly, fun - innocent
person. Described as cute possibly. However,
you're a little naive about things and tend to
be a little too trustworthy.
As the first season, It Makes you the youngest -
and so most immature - but people are inclined
to look out for and protect you.

Well done... You're the most fun of the seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Yesterday was interesting given having the 90 minute session on Saturday. In some ways I feel like we are beating a dead horse going over the abuse over and over and over and we ended up on a different tangent part of the time yesterday which I so much appreciated.

Rob wanted to acknowledge what I said about my dad and we talked about that for a little bit. The memories that I have that are real (I have checked them out) even though they were when I was 2 and 3 years old and stuff like that. Rob knows that I call myself an accident because my parents had to get married. He asked me how long they knew each other before they got married. I told him, "Well, my mom was three moths pregnant when they got married...so at least that long." He was amused.

We also talked about the aftermath...keeping the secret for three years, my friend Chris making sure he was with me if Del was at our house doing mom's taxes, the police, etc.

I know what Rob wants and I want to give it to him...but crying in front of people is not a strong suit. He gets the tears running down my cheeks thing...but not the dam breaking he's praying for. It'll come. I have been with him for 11 months now and I know what's going on in my head...which one of us is leaving? Again, I know what he has said...but there is that nagging fear that I will be abandoned.

Rob is a gift from God. Although, next time I ask him to read my blog for us to discuss...I am going to tell him what to read. He read the whole month of October! Ugh. I mean most of it he KNOWS...but the stuff abolut him. Dang!

So, he also wants me to tell everyone he is not just the voice of truth in my life...but the voice of reason as well.

He also told me he changed his mind...he doesn't want me to leave his business cards for my mom to find! "I want to enjoy my life," he tells me. This came from a tangent when I told him on Monday I need a note from him telling my mom that just because I have had a session with him doesn't mean I am going to be all "happy and peppy" when I come home. I think she befuddles him at times! Join the club!

He also let me bring Frederick home until tomorrow...so he is on my lap as I type. Okay, I am almost 34 years old and am emotionally attached to a stuffed toy...but I know enough that it symbolizes safety and Rob and all that psycho-babble stuff. This weekend it also serves as a safety net because he knows I'll be back.

Rob shared with me yesterday that he does get frustrated with me. FINALLY the man says it! I told him he is one in a long line of therapists that have said that to me. But, I was really glad that he told me that. I know he feared how I'd take it and what I will do with it (push harder and stuff just to make him happy)...but I dunno...it's almost a "relief" to know what goes on in HIS head at times.

We had a 90 minute session...I wish they could all be that long!

Rob is awesome. I don't know how he knew I would be here...but he called a bit ago and I am going to see him at 3:00 PM.

So, I am sitting at home last night (pre-coming here) and watching a show on VH1 about Eminem. Mykel...I gotta tell ya...I am in a QUANDRY about this man.

The show was great and didn't have a whole lot of new info (and I was SO hoping the man would win the Oscar and was stoked when he did) and I find myself so torn. I look at Phil. 4:8 and think...okay...his music so does not fit that...and I really try and hold myself to that filter in most things I watch, see, hear and read. I'm not perfect...but I do do try.

On the other hand...the man is a GENIUS! He is incredibly talented and not sure if you can find anyone who could truthfully deny that. People that don't especially like him even admit as much.

Ugh...I know it seems silly...but it's like I can't accept that I could even like him...even with the language (the gratuitous stuff...even I think some of it "should" be there for various and sundry reasons) and some of the subject matter.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Here I Blog...it's a Saturday...it's my day OFF...but as long as my main purpose in life seems to be wanting to crawl into a Coke can and dying...this is a safe bet.

I called Rob last night and left a VM about my pill stockpile. No reply. As I was in Michael's this morning getting extra supplies for Creation Station...I dawned on me I am at least "safe" until Christmas. I have a craft project I want to make for Rob and his family and haven't started on it yet.

It should scare me that every time I go through these thoughts...I add a new piece to the overall plan...but it doesn't. Method...check. Timeline...check. Location...check. But, it is my faith that keeps me from taking that last step. I pray, I think of POSITIVE things...but I feel like I am continuing to fall down this dark hole. I feel so dirty, so digusting...so damaged that it's hard to be in this world I love and around the people that I love.

I am not seeing Toni on Minday because I can't bear to face her. I'd probably cancel with Rob as well...but I NEED him. I hate being needy.

So, I am going to hang here a bit...go home and read and then get ready to watch Game 1.

I am at such loose ends. I can't sleep...I can take my sleep meds...but I want them for other purposes...no way I am wasting them right now for actual sleep.

Came into the office because the pull to cut more than my legs is way too strong. They are having dress rehearsal for the play and Gary is practicing the organ so it is do dang loud in here...grrrrr.....

I emailed Rob with the link to here to read this mornings post and sent it to my dietitian as well and no response. I don't think believe I am really on the fence this time. If my apartment was cleaned up (still trying to move)...I might...well...let's just say I have been trying to figure out who I want to send some stuff to...I can't handle this anymore. But, as long as my living space is in disarray I am safe. Heck, they are resurfacing our parking lot so I will be at mom's for three days anyway.

I just want out because right now it HURTS too much to live.

Ichi - "That one with wisdom"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
brought to you by Quizilla



No..I have nothing better to do than these quizzes. As long as I am breathing no complaning!

You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Find your inner Smurf!

I am losing hope...not faith...but hope. I clung to the hope that even though I FEEL that the abuse is my fault...that maybe...just maybe I had no part in it at all. That I was truly an innocent in the whole thing. That hope has been stripped away and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

I have roughly 7,750 mg. of seroquel
I have 310 mg. of ambien
I have roughly 2500 mg. of trazadone
I have roughly 600 mg. of lexapro

Is it enough?

Enough to take away Rob's words?
Enough to take away the flashbacks?
Enough to take away the memories?

See...why I do blame myself...naive 12 year old or not (and hey...by that Quzilla quiz I still am naive...no argument there)...I wanted to believe that I bore NO responsibility at all...that there would come a day that I would believe everyone who has told me that NONE of it was my fault.

That was shattered yesterday when Rob said that I do hold a tiny bit of responsibility...that we are responsible for our actions and while Del was the adult and holds almost all the responsibility...there was my part as well.

He might as well had taken a gun out and shot me right then and there. I know he was agreeing with what I have been saying for years...but I so wanted it NOT to be true...I am finding it hard to bear the truth...to really face that I AM what I have always thought...what I have been taught I am.

I can't handle it...I can't. I want to hate Rob...but he is nothing but truthful.

Okay, where was I?

Yeah...anyway...so I thought about it and thought about what my therapist at Remuda told my SP when he told Betsy he was concerned that I do self-harm. She was a bit short with him and told him that it's wasn't like I was going to get stressed and cut in front of a kid! Which is true. So, I try to keep the cuts to where they won't be seen...and I am trying to stop...I have good days and bad days and daays when I can care less what coping skills I learned. SI beats "feeling" his hands, his tongue (ewwww...to this day...ewwww....!) in my mouth...to the panic I feel so much now that I have dredged this up from the land of semi-dead memories into my waking thoughts. I think I mentioned this before..."BUFFY" triggered me.

Anyway, I admit...right now I don't really feel the pain when I cut...that's usually the case...it's seeing what happens after and the pain one feels when you put on a pair of jeans (no jeans today!) or anything else that may rub against the cuts.

I just want to have it all stop. The behaviors, of course, because..well...HELLO...but the thoughtsand feelings and all that. I want to believe what people say about me, I want to believe that warts and all I am that person they say I am...but I look in the mirror, I look at everything that has been part of my life and it's like, "You don't know...you all think you see...but you DON'T." Rob, however, stands as the voive of "truth" in my life right now and that is probably a good thing.

Gos is truth, the Bible is truth...I know what it says about me and how God created me...I teach it...but it is like there this an asterick saying "not for Deneice." In my head and heart of hearts and the me who knows and loves God with all that I am knows it is a lie...because that is the part that reached OUT for God when she was 12 because she saw His healing power in a neighborhood family.

Yet remains the core beliefs ingrained in her as she watched her daddy die, as she hid the pills that her mother didn't manage to swallow, as she endured beating with belts and brushes and fists and hands...as she heard show stuoid she was, how lazy, how disrespectful, how her mother would never be happy as long as she existed...that no one would want to marry her mother as long as there was a child there...a child born of sex outside marriage...beliefs ingrained because she was heavy and therefore not acceptable and $$ was offered to lose weight....that her family put her on her first diet at 5 or 6 sending the message that she was ugly as she was...beliefs ingrained because her mother would leave her with her grandfather and he had to bundle her up at 2 AM because a cop pulled she and my grandmother over for drunk driving...was told by her own mother she was adopted (okay...said once...but still)...

In the scheme of things...I had an easy childhood. But there are things that while forgiven...has left its mark on the psyche that forgiveness and understanding has not erased.

So, at the core of it all I remember that there is a God of love who even loves me...who went to the cross for me and would do it again. There are moments that simple fact keeps me from not tossing it all away. It is in those moments of simple faith that save me that moment.

I have a plan...God has a bigger one.
I have a method...so does He (even if I don't get it).
I have a time frame...He does, too.

I just have to remember that over and over!

Remember...only 12 more shopping days 'til my b-day:

I Want THIS!

Okay, enough of the goofy quizzes. I am doing it stay grounded. As I told Jeff...I am having trouble staying present and have lost track of days this week and that has never happened before. That along with the flashbacks have made for an interesting week. As long as I don't forget to see Rob...I'll be okay! That and I am taking seroquel with me as I have no clue what today will bring and I want to be prepared. I haven't taken it in weeks so I may not need it...but I want to prepared just in case.

I feel so bad for Steve Bartman...the police have to guard his souse, he had to have his phone disconnected and we all know his name. It is a GAME people. No one deserves what has been happening to him. And that poor ferry captain...what is our world coming to? If he did fall asleep...there will be consequences...but what he must have been feeling when he jumped off the ferry and then went home and the despair....so says the woman who now has the meds she needs to do the job herself...but I still can't fathom taking that last step...no matter what I feel.

Last night...gosh...I can't believe I am talking about this in "public," but hey...if it helps any of you with your kids...I am in the middle of SI and the thought of moving the blade from my leg to other parts of my body...well...it came and went...but it came. If I believed that God is a punishing God...I would believe that my probable inability to have kids would stem from my responsibility in "that night," but I KNOW better. But I feel so darn dirty...

Anyway...I know that He isn't and one has nothing to do with the other...but I feel damaged in so many ways...and this is a HUGE one for me.

You represent... naivete.
So innocent and trusting... you can be very shy at
times, but it's only because you're not sure
how to act. You give off that "I need to
be protected vibe." Remember that not all
people are good. Being too trusting will get
you easily hurt.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla


How true! I am so pathetic! ;)

Which Silver Screen Siren are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


I dunno. I LOVE Bette Davis...not sure it fits!

My mom can tell something is up, but I am really against telling her what Rob and I are doing in therapy. I don't want to discuss it with her because it will turn into a big thing. Have I forgiven her for not protecting me and not insisting charges be brought against him? Yes. I can say that without a doubt, but there is still anger to be worked through that she wasn't strong enough to protect me in that way. One thing at a time.

Once I can work through this one and come to at least realize it may not have been my fault...the next thing I want to move to is that it is okay I am a living, breathing human being. So, that would be dealing with everything from my mother's suicide attempt when I was four to her last attempt a few weeks before the molestation. That's going to be good times! NOT!

So yeah...I am looking for new positions...but if nothing comes of them that's okay, too. The one in Anaheim would be GREAT because I could go back to Greg...but I am not basing anything on stuff like that. If I am ready, God will open those doors. Until then, I do have a place to live...my kitty AND a great team. You can see Rob's picture here! Except I have NEVER seen him dressed like that in the almost year I have been with him.

Wait until I tell him he's now on my Blog! He won't read it. Not because he's not interested, but because he knows if he does we will never talk about this stuff in session. What he will do is let me print it out or email it to him and we will go through it.

Monday he asked me what I thought I'd find in his eyes if I looked at him as we talked about the abuse stuff. I wasn't able to tell him "utter disgust." The other thing I am afraid I'll see is compassion that I don't feel I deserve from him and really don't want to tell him that either. We'll get there...but I still cannot sit there and allow him to watch me to cry.

Check this out!

Ugh...I should be doing something other than staring at this computer...but I am so unmotivated right now. I want to crawl back into bed.

Plus, my right leg hurts. I did some major SI to it last night (major in the amount...not the intensity) and I am wearing loose pants, but it still irritates the cuts...so did the shower this morning.

I cannot believe the Cubs blew it last night! I mean REALLY...the game was theirs...they were FIVE outs from making it in 6 games. They best win tonight. If the Giants can't be there...I want it to be the Cubs! IF only Joia could hear me say that! Maybe I should call the cul-de-sac!

The nightmares have begun. I should say the continual shutting of my eyes and seeing the scene over and over. Thank God for His mercy. I prayed for peace and the ability to sleep and got it. Either that or I did have a full blown panic attack and passed out into sleep...but I remember getting control of my breathing so I don't think so!

It is so hard to focus on anything or to even stay grounded right now. I have a lost of grounding tools on my desk and I have a list of distress tolerance skills in my head...but right now I am not sure I want to tolerate the distress (pros and cons) because it's not fun.

My head is spinning...stop the world I wanna get off! My mom is picking up my meds for me. She has no clue that some of them are to be used for bad in case I can't hack it anymore. I think I have plenty now.

I am so nauseous and I can't get the images out of my head right now. I can see it play in my mind over and over and over. As I sat in Rob's office yesterday...I think he was proud of me because I allowed myself to feel the nausea, the fear, the confusion and was able to tell him. But, I don't have that safety here...his office is about the only place I feel safe these days. I rebuild a safe place when the move is over...it's just getting it over!

So, where was I? Flashbacks. Followed by an almost panic attack during staff meeting. Ugh. That wouldn't have been good.

I am helping with a "Boundaries" event on November 22nd. I am so excited. I could listen to Henry Cloud talk all day long and to get to go to the event FREE is a huge bonus! I missed "How People Grow" when I was at Remuda LIFE so I am so happy that I get to at least go to this one. Not that I haaven't been well versed in boundaries. Between attending the event last year and having Boundaries group every Monday, I pretty much have it down..but this is "Boundaries: Face to Face" so it will help putting into action.

I need to stay present and not disassociate...but that seems so much "safer" right now.

I fixed the problem! Yee haw! I deleted all my dupe posts and then possibky a dupe quiz thingie. Now you can see the blob I adopted! :) I think he's cute.

Okay, so I am a little psycho.

So, I go home yesterday and turn on "Buffy" and watch an episode I have seen several times before and have a MAJOR flashback. THAT is why I hate having to rehash this over and over and over and over two times a week. Flashbacks haven't been a problem for years and years and years. Now, ever since I brought all this back up again...it's all there and let me tell you, Neicey isn't thrilled. The seeing isn't as bad as the sensation part of it.

I have to hand it to God, though. Our minds are incredible things. As disgusting as it is...the fact that I CAN remember and feel it 21 years later is nothing short of amazing in some ways. How awesome He created us...ya know?

Staff meeting..."I'll be back."

Woo hoo! Cable guy comes to my mom's next Monday! I didn't want to be without cable when I move even for a few days...silly really...but my mom is going to see what she has been missing. Then again...how much Animal Planet can one person watch?

Rob is a gift from God. I want to avoid him like the plague at this point, but he is a total gift. He makes me laugh...he had me going so hard at one point he said maybe he is supposed to make sure I have plenty of laughter in my life right now. Then later he gave me a "laundry list" of what he sees in me and what he thinks God is going to do with all of this some day. I wish I could be Youth Pastor to his kids someday so when they complain about their dad I could help them with that.

As we yet again jumped into the abuse scenario...I could see the whole thing right in front of me. Rob sat back and watched me and realized that when it happens I am seeing it all...partially as a third party and partially as being right there...and the feelings come and I can speak them...and I do feel them...but the dam doesn't break and he wants it to. He thinks the real healing will start when I let the dam break...I don't doubt it. I guess the good thing is he won't move onto anything new (unless something "big" happens) until I can get through this one moment. Rob thinks if I can get through this one then we can go through the rest of them.

I am just so scared of letting that dam break and I am not sure why. I feel so safe there with him and I have Frederick in my arms...and it's all right there when he takes me through the scene over and over...but something is holding me back...God...PLEASE help me break through that and give me the courage to do or remember or speak whatever is holding me back.

A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteem
and people are always bringing you down for
being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel
like youre too mature for your age and are
frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to
accept you because youre not like them.
Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature,
modesty.
Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority
complex, timidity.


What kind of girl are you?
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Ugh...I should go take a nap...I should go walk to Togo's and get lunch...but here I sit...playing with my blog and unable to undo whatever I did to it this month. Grrrr...

There is a new shout box on the very bottom...I like it.

I don't want to see Toni tomorrow, I don't want to see Rob tomorrow and I don't want to wake up tomorrow...but I will go 0-3 in all respects so I might as well get used to it! Toni at Starbucks at 9:30 AM, Rob at Noon and me up by 8:00 AM at the latest.

I didn't add a fruit this week. I just bought it so it could rot! I also didn't keep one meal down this week...either I did or I kept nothing down. Today was one of those days where I felt like passing out and that hasn't happened since the day I did at LIFE...but that was a med thing.

There are times I almost wish both Toni and Rob would take a hard line with me when I fail this much. But, neither of them refuse to do that when this is when I need them most. That and Rob and I have worked so hard the last few weeks...it's amazing. I mean...it should have happened MONTHS ago, but better late than never. Maybe it's because I do feel safer there now than ever before or maybe because I do understand his commitment to me in a deeper way...I guess the "maybes" aren't all that important.

Today I was with the 4 years olds-1st graders (there are 4 of them...1 4 year old, two in K and 1 in 1st) and it was sooooo cute! Sydney (the 4 year old) is an only child and her parents are divorced. She splits the week with them and they both still get along (at least at church). She is very spoiled...or just used to have an adult's undivided attention at any rate. But, they all wanted to tell me EVERYTHING and all at the same time. What gets me about this group of kids is that THEY will remember the lesson from week to week. My 2nd-5th graders can't do that!

My mood says "confuzzled." That's what I am...about EVERYTHING!

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
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I don't know what I did...I think I can fix the dupe stuff I did on my PC at home...for some reason I can't on the iBook. I am also happy I was able to put the comment section back in. I need to add the links back...maybe I will do that later.

More and more "proof" is coming in that what happened is all my fault. All the youth workers that I gave the "scenario" to said that what "she" did was inappropriate and should be told to stop. Does Rob think I am so stupid that I don't know what I did was wrong? Geesh...Men!

I brought it on myself...just another in a list of things that I have done that makes me such an awful person and not worthy of what God has given me. The thoughts are getting louder...but Rob ignores them because we all know they will go away.

Augh...in attempting to change the skin...I ruined my blog...so I will fix it...promise!

Something is so NOT right!

Saturday, October 11, 2003
I don't know what I did to mess this up...but I did!

Grrrr....

My grandfather is sooooo sore. He could barely walk and couldn't even pick up Mikey (the dog) to take him for his daily drive. He still refuses to do anything about it. But, I have a feeling one day next week...off to Cameron we go. Cameron is Dr. Oba...we all go to him. I actually went to high school with him so in my case it has been a HUGE blessing to have a doctor I can trust with all the ED/SI garbage.

But, he loved my chili and the cake and his new 49er T-shirt so he had a good birthday. The man is diabetic and has never taken great care of that and he may be 69...but he is beginning to seem a heck of a lot older. It scares me. He is the most stable thing (other than God) in my life and in my mom's and grandmother's as well. She couldn't have asked for a better 2nd husband an considering all the ^&%$^ she has put him through...the fact he has been committed to her for 31 years is a miracle. I think a lot of that has to do with my mom and I though.

Anyway, I have something to toss in Rob's face on Monday. I keep trying to tell him what haappened when I was 12 was my fault...that I acted inappropriately. Rob asked me Thursday if I was naive and 12...hell...I am naive at 33. So, I tossed the basics out there and got confirmation that my actions were inappropriate.

I am at my mom's with another load of stuff. This is going really slow...I just want the move to be over at this point. I want a lot of things to be over at this point...but God and I seem to disagree on this point!

December


Which month are you?
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Except for the food part...not a bad fit!

What a day yesterday! I left here and ran my errands (still need a couple
more things I will p/u today). Went to my mom's house to drop off some more clothes and my grandpa was there doing yard work. I put my clothes away, play with the cats and then decide I would go and eat lunch before my appointment with Rob.

I am ready to leave and tell my grandfather I didn't turn the burglar alarm
on so if he needs to get into the house...not a problem. I turn to leave and
the next thing I know...he is falling 6 feet off the ladder. He seems okay
at first...I help him up and we move to a chair on the patio and I hand him
some water. He asks for a towel so I go to get my keys and when I come
back...he is totally ashen, his eyes are rolling up into the back of his
head and he is kinda unresponsive. I call 911 and while I am talking to the
dispatcher he improves...but they come out anyway.

My grandfather being Mr. Stubborn wouldn't let them take him into the ER. I left to see Rob and then was supposed to meet with my dietitian. I drive by our street and his car is still at our house which freaks me out. My
dietitian doesn't show so I rush home and can't find him at first. I finally
find him in the side yard sitting down in obvious pain. He got home okay and I guess took a shower and a Vicodin and went to bed. I'll call in about an hour to see how things are.

Today is his 69th b-day and I need to frost his cake and make chili and
cornbread for tonight.

It was sooooo scary.

At least life isn't boring...but I could have dome without that "little"
incident!

So, I was no help in therapy yesterday...I couldn't focus and nothing Rob said sunk in...I ended up coming back to the office later and emailing my entries from Tuesday and Wednesday. Not that I want to talk about those with him on Monday...but that's what I see him for!

Thanks to Gman for helping get my email link up!

Today is Thursday...today is Thursday AND last night it hit me that we start the new Biblemaniacs rotation this week. Lessons are done and all that...but I totally phased it out. I have been so preoccupied with everything else going on in my head...thank God He has wired me to be responsible enough to be able to have a brain freeze like this and still have it all done!

I already dread my session with Rob. It's going to be chilly today, but I wore shorts so he could see my cuts. Not so I could "show them off," but because he needs to see them and know what's going on. I feel like an anxiety attack ready to happen. I really don't want to delve into this other than the nice reality of a blog. It's all too vivid...it's obviously causing me phase life stuff out...and I am sick of reliving it several times a day. I wish God could just take the memories away other than it happened at that's what brought me to Him...

Part of me feels like I am not going to live through this...that I am not strong enough...but HE is and that's what I need to cling to...Jesus is what I need to anchor to...but I want the pain to stop...I want the "voices" (no, not in a schizo way) in my head to just SHUT UP and leave me alone and let me talk to Rob...not wanting to "punish" me for reaching out.

Actually, the fact that I WANT to hate Rob, that I want to lash out at him is a GREAT sign. It means I trust him enough to be able to take it if I do and feel safe enough that I trust he won't hate me. That is a cool thing. I reached that point with both Marc and Greg...but a heck of a lot quicker. I think it has taken me all this time to truly believe he's not leaving.

I want to hate Rob. I want to hate him so I don't have to hate ME. I have spent 21 years of my life trying to be "perfect," trying to please everyone, trying to be peacemaker, Martha Stewart, etc. so no one would know the truth of what I really am...and then HE "makes" me tell the truth about me.

But, I can't blame him for what I am. I was the one who wanted to delve into the abuse stuff, the one who wanted to actually deal with it and not just take a cursory look and then say, "all better." I've been doing that off and on for 18 years once that truth came to light.

You know, one thing I remembered as I was emailing Rob last night telling him I wanted to hate him and that I wished I were dead was that my mother has never told me what happened wasn't my fault. Isn't that odd? Then again, I pay Rob...what else is he going to say except it isn't my fault? My mom's initial reaction after the truth came out was that I shouldn't tell anyone while she told all her friends. It came down to how this impacted HER life and not mine.

I sat there on my bed last night and counted out what I have on hand. I didn't come close to doing anything with that knowledge...but I found it strangely comforting.

Now it's out there. I think I am more okay with all of this being on my blog rather than the fact that Rob now knows just about everything. He knows what a truly vile creature I am...that no matter how much I let the blood run or try to get rid of my insides or try to disappear...that I am still here...right now remembering all of it in vivid detail...down to what I was wearing...thank God I was wearing a romper! There is something to be said about wearing a one piece outfit! It protected me from what could have been...God giving me presence of mind to get away is never far from my mind either...but the way I feel...the way I look at that summer...I am not handling it well right now.

I look at the numbers on the counter and have no idea who reads this anymore. I have the URL to some friends and it's on my profile on the YS boards...but I truly have no clue and it makes it easier.

I emailed Rob this morning and told him I wanted to cancel Thursday, but I would never do that and I will be there. And, I know it is my own "cognitive distortions" that are trying to play mind reader and makes me want to never face him again because I have myself convinced (have for years) that if all this came out...what I did...how I brought that night on myself that everyone would now see what a hideous person I am and how I shouldn't be allowed to live.

Yesterday I sat on the couch, clutching Frederick (that dog is such a comfort to me), tears streaming down my face...apologizing over and over to Rob for not being able to talk. I have been somewhat proud of being able to look my therapist in the eyes as we talk and I share. I haven't been able to since this whole thing began. When we talk about sports, Jars of Clay and other stuff I can...but as soon as we dig in...I am too ashamed to look at him and am afraid of what I'll find there.

That sounds silly because I never hesitate to allow him to hug me...no matter what. I mean there have been sessions lately where I have almost not let him touch me...but in those few seconds...no matter what I think he may be thinking...I feel safe...and I can't give that up right now.

This post is going straight from here into an email to Rob, my therapist. We quit the me emailing him everything because I would email him stuff and then we would never talk about it. So, I quit emailing him "major" stuff and then it was decided I could email him stuff as long as we talk about it. I am trying NOT to do that...but then I end up zoning and becoming silent and that is getting me nowhere...so he said as long as we talk about this stuff then I could.

I know this gets read...but somehow it seems a little bit more impersonal than emailing him directly to HIM. I am just feeling very ashamed, very vulnerable and veru shaky about all this and I am trying to keep some distance to protect me.

The question of the day is: why is it my fault that the abuse happened? It's taken me a week to really get those words out to him...but I did it today. Rob said that he can't come up with any scenario that would make it my fault...no matter what I may have done. I pay him...Rob has to be on my side.

I guess I need to go back nine years before the molestation. I guess I can call it that as the creep is now a registered sex offender. My dad died when I was three. I have some honest to goodness memories of my dad. The ones I have are all really good ones which is neat. My dad and I in a raft at Donner Lake, at Santa Cruz, cleaning my hand off with my mom after I smashed it in the door, visiting him in the hospital before they sent him home to die...and a not so good one of the day he died.

From what I understand, my mom became pretty much a recluse and started to drag me down with her. Once she adjusted, tried to kill herself and I started school...she started dating. Okay, that was within a two year period...but I digress.

Without a doubt I can say I have missed having a dad. Forget that my mom says they wouldn't have stayed married (hell...they HAD to get married in the first place) and he would have turned me into a stereotypical Asian kid...I missed having that entity in my life. I have plenty of Uncles on my dad's side...but mom was never one for letting me spend a lot of time with them. I have my grandpa (my mom's step-dad Danny whom I absolutely adore), but growing up I only saw him a couple times a month and he's quiet. I think I felt the first time in elementary school when I wanted to do Indian Princesses. Someone in my class let me go with her and her dad...but it didn't last too long...too awkward. Then there were plays, skating, prom, etc. In college there was homecoming. I knew I wouldn't get on the court (although I guess I didn't miss by many votes), but if I did...I didn't have a dad to fly down to escort me at the Presentation of the court.

So, then there was my mom's assortment of boyfriend's over the years. Let's see...one I remember became Stalker Guy when my mom broke up with him. That was a fun one. Then there was this Hispanic guy whose real name I have clue because my mother couldn't pronounce it and came up with her own version. There was the Wilbert Harrison...he wrote "Kansas City" and originally recorded it...though it has been recorded several times since then. There was Jim..the cool guy from Michigan I liked because he actually realized I existed and would play games with me. He was married. That became interesting when I was old enough to put stuff together. Then there was the guy she almost left me to go to Germany with...had her passport ready and everything. Her comment on that is, "Well, I didn't go did I?"

Toward the end of 7th grade, Del was introduced into my life. An event I would love to be able to change. He was my Uncle Mike's best friend growing up in WA. He and his wife and child lived not too far from us and on a whim we stopped by one night. They reconnected, Renee (his daughter) and I got along great and my Uncle Mike was going to be visting in August.

That brings me to Frank. I loved him. He was a fantastic guy. My mother dated him twice. I mean, they went out more than that...but twice in my childhood. The first time I was in 2nd grade and who knows what happened? The second time was either right before or right after I finished 7th grade when all this happened. On a lark one night, mom decided we should see if he was home. He was. Mom and Frank must have stayed up talking until 2 AM. They dated regularly after that. Sometimes it was just the two of them and sometimes it was the three of us.

They began to talk about getting married and I was actually thrilled. here was someone who actually liked ME and wanted to include me in stuff. So, my grandmother and I go off on our annual trip to Disneyland and when I talked to my mom I told her about the toy car I got Frank from Disneyland. She then tells me she is no longer seeing him and is seeing someone else. That went over like a lead balloon.

So, I come home and am introduced to Jim. I don't like him, my grandparent's aren't fond of him either. However, my mom likes him, likes his friends and he gets along great with Del and his wife. Super. Jim becomes a pretty permanent fixture. For the first time she actually pretty much moves Jim into our house (ewwww.....) and we do "normal" stuff like eat dinner as a "family." I hated being left alone with him...but he never touched me...he pretty much ignored me.

Okay, so now I am getting to the why what happened was all my fault stuff. We spent a lot of time with Del's family that summer. Swimming at his house, BBQs, Going to Great America, etc. Del paid extra attention to me and frankly...I ate it up. Renee didn't mind sharing her dad with me and I'll say it...I LIKED the attention. Someone to help me dive a little better, who liked to watch me swim and try new stuff, who would let me curl up to him on he couch, etc. What I see now is that allowed him to think he could do what he did. No one ever told me what I was doing was wrong and so I let that stuff continue.

My family thought it was so cute because I was fatherless...no one told me someone at 12 should not be doing that stuff...not liking the attention though I will stop short of saying it was something I was purposely seeking it because I don't think so. But, I allowed it...and by allowing it I allowed the other stuff. I feel so ashamed, so disgusting so wrong, so damaged, so dirty and so unworthy of taking every next breath...

Even now, when I see the relationships most of the youth group has with their dads I feel a twinge (okay, more than a twinge) of sadness and jealousy. I see Tricia curl upon her dad's lap when he comes to pick her up, John not ashamed to give his dad a hug in front of everyone...they don't know why I tell them they are lucky...but I keep reminding them to hold on to those moments when they want to strangle their dads!

Part of me goes on these weird tangents that I totally deserved what happened because after all...not like I was created from LOVE...lust probably...but love? Word on the street was my dad was having an affair and that my parents used to have pretty violent fights (i.e. my mom would throw stuff at him...stuff that continued for years...except it became the walls of our house instead of my dad). That I was born so wrong and so damaged and what happened with Del confirmed it.

I try and look at it other ways...but I can't see it. I loved the attention, I volunteered to go outside with him that night and none of this would have happened if I hadn't done those things.

So, yesterday was a walk down memory lane and as good of memory as I claim to have...there are things I found that I have NO recollection of whatsoever.

I was cleaning out the dresser in my room to make room for my stuff and anything that I could live without is now in the dumpster at my apartment complex. So, as I took out shawls that I had as a little kid (when is mom going to get it...I am NOT going to have kids...at this rate I am never getting married...I digress), my costume from the anniversary shows at "Aloha Roller Palace," the dress my grandpa brought e from Hawaii when I was maybe 3, a photo album full of awards, etc. I came across a thank you note.

My Senior year in high school I did a lot of "behind the scenes" work in our productions besides being on stage. This generally meant I student directed, worked on the programs with my boyfriend at the time and did whatever else John Healy wanted.

Being the budding journalist I was at the time...I HATED our school superintendant...through the years I am not the only one. Ramon Cortines is an idiot! Anyway, I guess we invited him to come and see "The Music Man," my final production at Lincoln High School. That was fun because I got to help cast the little kid parts and it was just a fun production in general. Anyway, I find this thank you letter to me from Cortines. John must have had me write a thank you letter to him for coming.

One of my former youth also tracked me down. I was so excited to get an email from her. She is one of the first kids I ever worked with. I started out working with her as part of the drama team and we became really close. Then she left the CC, eloped a few years later with some guy and we have lost track on and off. But, she found me and I am so excited to be back in contact with her.

I moved my books and my final two bookshelves yesterday, along with the food I won't need between now and when I move and took over some laundry. I feel like this is taking me forever...but it's really going rather well I think.

Tomorrow is going to be a hard session with Rob. After everything from Thursday and how I handled my end of things afterward...I NEED to stay present and I can't fade away...we'll never get anywhere if I keep that up...I am not sure how much of it is on purpose though. It just kind of happens. I need to fight against Godzilla and send "Bambo" out there!

I guess I should think of something POSITIVE in all this. Only thing I can really think of is that the diet pills have not yet been opened...they are still in the bag, in their box in my kitchen. Part of me thinks that since they don't have ephedra in them they are okay. Obviously I am not convinced as I have not taken them yet.

I need to quit comparing my experience to others. But, I have felt for the last 21 years and continue to feel that I have no "right" to feel the way I do because I got away before anything else could happen. The scary part is that if I hadn't gotten away...all the adults were drunk enough that no one would have come looking for me and he could have gotten away with it for years...if "that" would have happened...I probably never would have told anyone ever. God was so with me...even though I didn't know Him yet...because I was able to get away and in the end...this drove me to Him.

I am trying to stay out of my apartment right now. I threw more stuff out and packed pantry stuff to take over to my mom's house tomorrow and brought my mini-fridge here to the office. I can keep fruit and bottled water in it. Stupid thoughts keep going through my head and so this the safest place to be.

It's Friday...again!

Last night I packed my dishes, more of my books and have them ready to along along with my other two bookshelves to take to my mom's tomorrow morning. Today I may go over to do some cleaning...but I will probably wait until tomorrow and just take over a ton of stuff...not that I have a TON...but the more that is there the less that is in my apartment making that easier to clean.

I feel so bad about my session yesterday...but it is like this war in my head when it comes to saying what I need to and what I want to. Part of me is like, "Tell him and you'll fall apart and have to leave the office and you won't be able to handle what you're feeling...you need to stay in control." The other part is, "Tell him...you can't work this through if you sit there looking like you want to cry and disassociate instead!"

Then he calls me "friend" which I hate because we aren't friends. We can't be because he is my therapist. I wish we were...in another context we probably would be...but we aren't and can't be and he knows that and I know he is just trying to show he cares...but someday he will no longer be a part of my life and I am looking toward that day with very mixed emotions.

Maybe I am not fit for ministry anymore. I look at what I have done to my legs in the last few days and wonder if I will ever be ready again. Rob is supportive and stuff...but maybe I should look at something else...but I can't "DO" anything else...even when I was doing other things I wasn't not doing YM. It's in my blood, my heart and my soul and part of stepping back into that door is having to deal with the muck and the mire of the past 33 years and counting.

I want to chicken out...I want to take the "easy" way out (for me) and I am almost there...it scares me..the ideas floating through my head...the things I don't dare tell Toni or Rob...I am just feeling so scared, and lost and useless right now...not to mention the feelings of being damaged and confused about the whole abuse stuff which just magnifies the rest.

I hang on the the promise God is not going to give me more than I can handle...it seems like it right now...and I am may not be coping in a great way...but I have survived everything so far...right?

I am such a complete loser. I spent the last 20 minutes of my session not being able to utter a single word. Then I went home and "punished" myself and then called Rob to apologize and let him know I was properly "disciplined."

It's so hard to get the words out...so hard to let myself cry...even though I know I need to do it.

Please God, give me the strength to listen to YOU and not my own arguing in my head. Thank you for giving me as therapist who does understand and does care...and won't leave.

27 days until my b-day...wanna hint?

http://www.fao.com/global/store/product_detail.cfm?TID=00460304143937560301101962&Site=Toys&rs_section=keywordsearch&GroupID=158364&GroupTP=Model&ItemDetail=Patrick%20the%20Pup%2C%20Small

Augh...I blogged and then it went "poof."

Let's see...I wrote about how I am having trouble coming up with the last workshop for October and how it may be a Teaching Tent with one of the high school guys as David.

Then I started to write about the SI stuff. I am still keeping it to my legs (except for one small, rebellious cut on my hand) and last night tried to figure out the why because I HATE not having an answer for Rob. From what I gather...it's a punishment/form of "discipline" for me. Last night, for example, I made dinner and "got rid of it." Later, I popped some popcorn and to punish myself for it...I cut. I should have not had anything to eat since I chose to get rid of my dinner.

Or, as I look in the mirror and see the weight I have gained since I got home (not sure why and it's weight I don't need to gain) I cut because I hate my body and am so mad at myself for screwing up and not being sure how.

I think one thing, almost 11 months later, Rob is really and truly getting is that I may throw words around like "I am stupid/idiotic" and that it;s NOT the way we all say it...that it is a core belief from being told that growing up and have it be such a deep part of me that it's hard to rewire that part of my brain.

But, I am not giving up and I know that there will one day be an end to all of this...that I will believe what others see in me and that my life will not be ruled by what I eat, don't eat or what I purge. It's just going to take longer than my mon thinks and so while she thinks they wasted money sending me back to LIFE...it has made a difference and things will not always be like they are now.