Today is Thursday...today is Thursday AND last night it hit me that we start the new Biblemaniacs rotation this week. Lessons are done and all that...but I totally phased it out. I have been so preoccupied with everything else going on in my head...thank God He has wired me to be responsible enough to be able to have a brain freeze like this and still have it all done!

I already dread my session with Rob. It's going to be chilly today, but I wore shorts so he could see my cuts. Not so I could "show them off," but because he needs to see them and know what's going on. I feel like an anxiety attack ready to happen. I really don't want to delve into this other than the nice reality of a blog. It's all too vivid...it's obviously causing me phase life stuff out...and I am sick of reliving it several times a day. I wish God could just take the memories away other than it happened at that's what brought me to Him...

Part of me feels like I am not going to live through this...that I am not strong enough...but HE is and that's what I need to cling to...Jesus is what I need to anchor to...but I want the pain to stop...I want the "voices" (no, not in a schizo way) in my head to just SHUT UP and leave me alone and let me talk to Rob...not wanting to "punish" me for reaching out.

Actually, the fact that I WANT to hate Rob, that I want to lash out at him is a GREAT sign. It means I trust him enough to be able to take it if I do and feel safe enough that I trust he won't hate me. That is a cool thing. I reached that point with both Marc and Greg...but a heck of a lot quicker. I think it has taken me all this time to truly believe he's not leaving.