My mom can tell something is up, but I am really against telling her what Rob and I are doing in therapy. I don't want to discuss it with her because it will turn into a big thing. Have I forgiven her for not protecting me and not insisting charges be brought against him? Yes. I can say that without a doubt, but there is still anger to be worked through that she wasn't strong enough to protect me in that way. One thing at a time.

Once I can work through this one and come to at least realize it may not have been my fault...the next thing I want to move to is that it is okay I am a living, breathing human being. So, that would be dealing with everything from my mother's suicide attempt when I was four to her last attempt a few weeks before the molestation. That's going to be good times! NOT!

So yeah...I am looking for new positions...but if nothing comes of them that's okay, too. The one in Anaheim would be GREAT because I could go back to Greg...but I am not basing anything on stuff like that. If I am ready, God will open those doors. Until then, I do have a place to live...my kitty AND a great team. You can see Rob's picture here! Except I have NEVER seen him dressed like that in the almost year I have been with him.

Wait until I tell him he's now on my Blog! He won't read it. Not because he's not interested, but because he knows if he does we will never talk about this stuff in session. What he will do is let me print it out or email it to him and we will go through it.

Monday he asked me what I thought I'd find in his eyes if I looked at him as we talked about the abuse stuff. I wasn't able to tell him "utter disgust." The other thing I am afraid I'll see is compassion that I don't feel I deserve from him and really don't want to tell him that either. We'll get there...but I still cannot sit there and allow him to watch me to cry.