Augh...I blogged and then it went "poof."

Let's see...I wrote about how I am having trouble coming up with the last workshop for October and how it may be a Teaching Tent with one of the high school guys as David.

Then I started to write about the SI stuff. I am still keeping it to my legs (except for one small, rebellious cut on my hand) and last night tried to figure out the why because I HATE not having an answer for Rob. From what I gather...it's a punishment/form of "discipline" for me. Last night, for example, I made dinner and "got rid of it." Later, I popped some popcorn and to punish myself for it...I cut. I should have not had anything to eat since I chose to get rid of my dinner.

Or, as I look in the mirror and see the weight I have gained since I got home (not sure why and it's weight I don't need to gain) I cut because I hate my body and am so mad at myself for screwing up and not being sure how.

I think one thing, almost 11 months later, Rob is really and truly getting is that I may throw words around like "I am stupid/idiotic" and that it;s NOT the way we all say it...that it is a core belief from being told that growing up and have it be such a deep part of me that it's hard to rewire that part of my brain.

But, I am not giving up and I know that there will one day be an end to all of this...that I will believe what others see in me and that my life will not be ruled by what I eat, don't eat or what I purge. It's just going to take longer than my mon thinks and so while she thinks they wasted money sending me back to LIFE...it has made a difference and things will not always be like they are now.