I am losing hope...not faith...but hope. I clung to the hope that even though I FEEL that the abuse is my fault...that maybe...just maybe I had no part in it at all. That I was truly an innocent in the whole thing. That hope has been stripped away and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

I have roughly 7,750 mg. of seroquel
I have 310 mg. of ambien
I have roughly 2500 mg. of trazadone
I have roughly 600 mg. of lexapro

Is it enough?

Enough to take away Rob's words?
Enough to take away the flashbacks?
Enough to take away the memories?

See...why I do blame myself...naive 12 year old or not (and hey...by that Quzilla quiz I still am naive...no argument there)...I wanted to believe that I bore NO responsibility at all...that there would come a day that I would believe everyone who has told me that NONE of it was my fault.

That was shattered yesterday when Rob said that I do hold a tiny bit of responsibility...that we are responsible for our actions and while Del was the adult and holds almost all the responsibility...there was my part as well.

He might as well had taken a gun out and shot me right then and there. I know he was agreeing with what I have been saying for years...but I so wanted it NOT to be true...I am finding it hard to bear the truth...to really face that I AM what I have always thought...what I have been taught I am.

I can't handle it...I can't. I want to hate Rob...but he is nothing but truthful.