I want to hate Rob. I want to hate him so I don't have to hate ME. I have spent 21 years of my life trying to be "perfect," trying to please everyone, trying to be peacemaker, Martha Stewart, etc. so no one would know the truth of what I really am...and then HE "makes" me tell the truth about me.

But, I can't blame him for what I am. I was the one who wanted to delve into the abuse stuff, the one who wanted to actually deal with it and not just take a cursory look and then say, "all better." I've been doing that off and on for 18 years once that truth came to light.

You know, one thing I remembered as I was emailing Rob last night telling him I wanted to hate him and that I wished I were dead was that my mother has never told me what happened wasn't my fault. Isn't that odd? Then again, I pay Rob...what else is he going to say except it isn't my fault? My mom's initial reaction after the truth came out was that I shouldn't tell anyone while she told all her friends. It came down to how this impacted HER life and not mine.

I sat there on my bed last night and counted out what I have on hand. I didn't come close to doing anything with that knowledge...but I found it strangely comforting.