It's Friday...again!

Last night I packed my dishes, more of my books and have them ready to along along with my other two bookshelves to take to my mom's tomorrow morning. Today I may go over to do some cleaning...but I will probably wait until tomorrow and just take over a ton of stuff...not that I have a TON...but the more that is there the less that is in my apartment making that easier to clean.

I feel so bad about my session yesterday...but it is like this war in my head when it comes to saying what I need to and what I want to. Part of me is like, "Tell him and you'll fall apart and have to leave the office and you won't be able to handle what you're feeling...you need to stay in control." The other part is, "Tell him...you can't work this through if you sit there looking like you want to cry and disassociate instead!"

Then he calls me "friend" which I hate because we aren't friends. We can't be because he is my therapist. I wish we were...in another context we probably would be...but we aren't and can't be and he knows that and I know he is just trying to show he cares...but someday he will no longer be a part of my life and I am looking toward that day with very mixed emotions.

Maybe I am not fit for ministry anymore. I look at what I have done to my legs in the last few days and wonder if I will ever be ready again. Rob is supportive and stuff...but maybe I should look at something else...but I can't "DO" anything else...even when I was doing other things I wasn't not doing YM. It's in my blood, my heart and my soul and part of stepping back into that door is having to deal with the muck and the mire of the past 33 years and counting.

I want to chicken out...I want to take the "easy" way out (for me) and I am almost there...it scares me..the ideas floating through my head...the things I don't dare tell Toni or Rob...I am just feeling so scared, and lost and useless right now...not to mention the feelings of being damaged and confused about the whole abuse stuff which just magnifies the rest.

I hang on the the promise God is not going to give me more than I can handle...it seems like it right now...and I am may not be coping in a great way...but I have survived everything so far...right?