Now it's out there. I think I am more okay with all of this being on my blog rather than the fact that Rob now knows just about everything. He knows what a truly vile creature I am...that no matter how much I let the blood run or try to get rid of my insides or try to disappear...that I am still here...right now remembering all of it in vivid detail...down to what I was wearing...thank God I was wearing a romper! There is something to be said about wearing a one piece outfit! It protected me from what could have been...God giving me presence of mind to get away is never far from my mind either...but the way I feel...the way I look at that summer...I am not handling it well right now.

I look at the numbers on the counter and have no idea who reads this anymore. I have the URL to some friends and it's on my profile on the YS boards...but I truly have no clue and it makes it easier.

I emailed Rob this morning and told him I wanted to cancel Thursday, but I would never do that and I will be there. And, I know it is my own "cognitive distortions" that are trying to play mind reader and makes me want to never face him again because I have myself convinced (have for years) that if all this came out...what I did...how I brought that night on myself that everyone would now see what a hideous person I am and how I shouldn't be allowed to live.

Yesterday I sat on the couch, clutching Frederick (that dog is such a comfort to me), tears streaming down my face...apologizing over and over to Rob for not being able to talk. I have been somewhat proud of being able to look my therapist in the eyes as we talk and I share. I haven't been able to since this whole thing began. When we talk about sports, Jars of Clay and other stuff I can...but as soon as we dig in...I am too ashamed to look at him and am afraid of what I'll find there.

That sounds silly because I never hesitate to allow him to hug me...no matter what. I mean there have been sessions lately where I have almost not let him touch me...but in those few seconds...no matter what I think he may be thinking...I feel safe...and I can't give that up right now.