I Miss Rob...

I am doing okay without him...but I do miss him. Things are quiet this week and for that I am truly thankful. So, I don't need him, but I like to have him around...just in case.

FIVE (cannot believe it has been that long) years ago on NYE I had the police at my door. I was sick. I was sick and just wanted to be left alone. I was deep into ED, Marc (my then therapist) was out of town for anothr week or so and I simply wanted to hide. I guess what I said in my email to those I wanted to leave me alone raised some flags. Oh boy. The cops came and they had to talk to the woman covering for Marc (who I had never met) who had to talk to me and she fixed it. They left and I went in the next morning for an emergency session.

Things have not been quite that bad (i.e. I don't dare tell my friends to just forget me and leave me alone for a bit), but I always think about it. Would going IP any place at that point..even for depression and suicidal ideation...been helpful? I am not sure. It was only 7 months later I was walking through the doors at Remuda so probably not. Not to mention I DID have that stay 6 weeks before going to RR.

I have my new computer and plan to post more pix of stuff. Not that I have a whole lot to take pix of...but I think I am going to see if I can manage to take a picture of Rob. His "official" staff picture is in a suit. That is the only time I have seen the suit. He is more casually dressed and even wears jeans on the occasional Saturday he is in the office.

I also managed to lose my first document on said computer. Oh well...it was typo ridden and what I did was a very rough draft of our Nursery/Toddler Room brochure so once my SP looks it over than I will do a rewrite.

The puppy is sleeping right by me and not sure where Boo is. I NEED to take a picture of him and post it here...my sweet little kitty! The best thing that came from my time in Indiana!

Spike and his new toy! 

Frederick enjoying the holidays! 

The Day After...

I survived. I survived my dad's family and my own.

Christmas Eve was at my dad's side of the family. Awkard as I have almost NO relationship with them. My dad has been gone almost 32 years and this Xmas Eve thing is an awkward few hours. It was OK this time. Talked with one of my cousins' wives a lot and my Auntie Joyce and it was way better than last year. OKay, after last year nothing could get much worse.

I mentioned something about this year may be better as I was a little distracted last year. He asked why. He forgot about last year for a moment. Silly man.

Xmas Eve Day was Hell on earth with my mother. Xmas was OK until we got home alone.

I wish I had someplace to take of to this week. But, this is a GOOD thing since Rob is not forever.

I was reading my blog from this time last year. I said that before, but I went back and re-read it again. In some ways I no longer feel like that person...I can see the dfference from wishing I were dead vs. planning it out as I had.

Not sure if I will ever know why Rob changed his mind last Christmas Eve. My begging and pleading, his willingness to trust my word...not sure if either were good reasons. I have a had a couple friends comment on him not taking it seriously enough. Not sure I agree with it, but as I read my blog and remembered that his colleagues thought he should admit me...maybe they were right. Maybe it would have helped a little. We don't talk about it and I am still under that contract. I am really going to miss him this next week!

And Another Thing...

Okay...so as we talk about how bad it is that my standards are too high and that I try to be perfect...Rob hold me to perfection in a couple areas. Is that fair??? Granted, the standard of perfection he is holding me to is not to "indulge" in two destructive behaviors and if I am "imperfect" it would be making the choice to treminate with him...BUT...why is it wrong have a high standard in some areas and not in others? Sounds like an unfair double standard to me.

Just Want to Escape...

My mind is pretty much reeling from the weekend’s events. Johnnie Carl, the conductor of the “Hour of Power” orchestra committed suicide early Friday morning at the Crystal Cathedral. His oldest is a former small group member of mine and I worked for the HOP and the CC for several years. I was a member for 10. Johnnie was bipolar and went off one med because of possible kidney problems. It was his mood stabilizer. After that, he went into a depressive-cycle that lead to his suicide. I am sad, I am shocked and a few other things that I know I shouldn’t be thinking.

Rob made me take the rubber bands off as soon as I walked in and got settled. We had a short conversation about them. I pointed out that snapping them actually hurts more than cutting, but doesn’t leave permanent marks. He doesn’t like that I use them for when I feel I need to be punished. I told him it was still better than cutting, thought that would be my preference. He made a comment about rubber bands being less lethal. That surprised me…that he would consider the cuts “lethal.” Then I made some comment about that it’s never been that and I have never needed stitches. Then Rob said it still puts me in the realm of a possible suicide attempt. Okay, I THOUGHT he was aware that cutting and suicide and not interchangeable. I didn’t push the issue with him…this is one I won’t win.

He also told me that he will be out of town next week. Normally I am cool with it. This time I am dreading it completely. The timing seems bad…not sure why because I am by no means very happy right now…but I am in an OK place. It may only be the latter part of the week so we would be there Monday, but I am not going to count on it.

On Death & Dying....

My mom was talking to my grandmother on the phone a couple hours ago and is truly trying to prepare my mom for "the end." My grandmother is almost 84 and has been an alcoholic for years and years and decades...I do not want to sound callous...but I also know it is bound to catch up to a person. I think her body is just starting to give out after that many years of abuse.

Naturally I worry about her eternity, but I can't force her either. I do what I can...but she has free will. Gosh that sounds cold...but I know all I can do is pray and share when I can. According to her she is a believer and that very well may be...I can't judge that.

I think I am almost numb to this because my mom has used, "This could be his (my grandpa)/her last Xmas, birthday, Easter, etc." for at least 20 years now to manipulate me and while I DO know she is right this time...none of us knows how much time any of us has left.

My biggest fear is that when the "someday" arrives that my mom is going to have a major meltdown. WhenI had my Family Week at Remuda almost 4 1/2 years ago we talked about this. Thinking I would be away when it happened..I was very clear that I will come home...I will stay an extended period of time...but then I had to go back to my life. Things have changed...a lot. But I know that I will have to set boundaries when this happens or else she will suck me in and under.

They are so enmeshed that I am sure there will be yet another suicide attempt when my grandmother does leave us. My mom is already a mini-basket case after just talking on the phone with my grandma.

My heart tells me she will probably make it to January 21st...her 84th B-day...but I also have a sense that this will be our last Christmas together.

If I Only Had a Brain!

I get to church yesterday and unlock stuff, etc. I notice the CD player is missing from the Children's Church rooms. I go over to the Jr. High room because they often use it Sunday nights. No there. I checked each room...not there. Come to find out there were people there Sunday and when some kids just walked in with pizza...no one thought a thing about it and left them there unattended. Now, it could have been someone else and not this group of neighborhood kids...but I am not holding my breath. The odd thing? They also took my toaster and not a cheap $10 one either. They left the blender...Leadership meeting went well. We are going to take the 4th & 5th grade kids on a "Weekend Away" at Mt. Hermon in March. Moving ahead on making physical changes to the CE building...will know more next month.

Today with Rob was rough. He only let me stall so long with other stuff before he made me read what I posted here. It took me about five minutes before I could do it. He told me he was so proud of me for doing it. I HATE that I needed to hear that…but I did. We didn’t get much past the part where I told him about being mad and shouldn’t be…but it was a start.

I don’t think he is going to take the rubber bands away. When I was going to start snapping them in our session, I took them off and put them on the other end of the couch. He asked me if I had been using them rather than cutting. I said yes and he left it at that. He even handed them to me before he closed our session in prayer.

I brought him brownies from scratch (I needed a distraction last night…they smelled good) and he emailed me to let me know he thinks they were awesome! I was happy. He normally dogs into whatever I being him and the last few weeks he has not so I was getting worried!

Wednesday is my final session with Toni for three months. That is causing me lots of stress and my eating has been bad. I wish I cared about that…but right now I don’t. That honestly worries me. Luckily…I have lots to lose so I’m not going to stress it.

One Year Ago...

One year ago...my mom tried to commit suicide for the third time. For the second time, I had to "clean up the mess" of it all. I am having a hard time talking to Rob about it because we seem to not talk about where MY head was at duting this time. You can check out the archives.

I sent this to him tonight:

Hey You!

Well…one thing I learned today…mom is aware of the date. She gave me a small opening, but I didn’t take it. I think because I was in shock and I also think because of the thoughts going through my head before she got home and we went to dinner.

Some of the thoughts I really have no desire to share with either of you…my mom for obvious reasons and you…well…because I feel like an idiot but would feel like a bigger idiot if I didn’t tell you. I also dread doing this because I sit here dead set against having to follow the rules about sending an email that has to be read. I know I say this every so often and do it anyway and this is no exception…but I already feel fear having to put a voice to all this.

I’m not sure where to start as usual. Part of me dreads talking about it because I don’t especially want to think about where I was this time last year…and I don’t feel much better now.

Which brings me to the first feeling. I was jealous that she had the guts to actually do it. She didn’t sit in your office and talk about how much she WANTED to do it…she actually did. Okay, she then called Murphy and did the whole thing where I could hear in the first place…but she did it. Wish I had the guts to follow through instead of just pulling the meds out from time to time and counting them.

After today I also feel totally selfish about the whole thing. Ugh…I have always hated it when my mom has taken stuff that has happened to me and makes it all about her and you pointed out that by not realizing how depressed she was…that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing. You didn’t say it that way…but that’s what it feels like. If I had not been so worried about whether I was going to do the same thing myself…maybe I would have noticed. It just seemed totally impulsive and alcohol induced that it never occurred to me that I missed seeing what was going on.

And, on another purely selfish note, I will admit that it did make me mad. Mad that she never bothers to read anything and that she had no clue mixing alcohol and her antidepressants was a no-no. Mad that once again, I was the one who had to deal with it. Call 911, answer all the questions, call my grandparents, call Murphy, get rid of the note, get rid of the pills she didn’t take, take care of the stuff at her work. Mad that all she cared about through most of this was Murphy and me making sure I called him and kept him updated, etc. She is sitting up in bed in the ER covered with charcoal telling me over and over that I had to call Murphy and he had to know where she was.

I’m totally ashamed that I practically BEGGED them to keep her. I guess my mom was trying to call me or wanted them to call me or something…maybe I was calling to get info from the hospital (this was before they transferred her), but I talked to some staff member there and when they asked me I told them I didn’t want her home…that she needed to stay. I couldn’t handle her coming home the next day…heck…I had a hard time with her coming back 72 hours later…but sooner I know I would have been calling you every two minutes.

Then, of course, there is relief she didn’t succeed and that she did no damage to her body with all the pills she took.

Last night it was back to “abnormal” sleep.  I think it may have been because my mom was really noisy this morning.  She seems to forget that we all don’t need to be up at 2 AM!  But, my cat was also in my room last night and wanted out and that woke me up as well.  I out the CD back on and fell back to sleep for a little while.  Had some weird dreams about going back Remuda LIFE.  That is really funny because I in no way, shape or form need that and sure as heck never want to again!

But, I think they may have come from the “psycho babble” reason I may not have slept last night.  One thing I noticed after two nights of decent sleep...I was HUNGRY yesterday.  Like honest to goodness even tried a piece of my fudge hungry.  That scares me to death.  I know it’s a good thing.  I know that it is perfectly normal to feel hunger...but it is still very scary.  At least it gives me something to talk to Rob about.  That and if he id going to take the rubber band away from me.  Not that I can’t get a new one.  I have a bunch in my car because I shoot them (rather badly) at him from time to time.  I emailed him Monday night to ask if he was going to take it away.  He said I gave him something to think about it.

Logically, I get it.  Anything he “outlaws” is one less thing I can punish myself with.  However...it’s more nervous habit for me and right now I feel like I need some outlet since I can’t do what I want to do.  I don’t think that I will find something else...but at least I can’t do a whole lot of damage to my body this way.   

First off...let me tell you that...

ANDY BYRNE ROCKS!!!!!

He sent me a progressive relaxation CD that has meant I got FIVE hours of sleep last night! Woo hoo!

Next...ugh...just ugh. I got to a point today where I was at a loss for words and we talked about how I feel like I always have to have the "right" answer for Rob. I will sit there in silence trying to come up with what I think he needs to hear. So he asks me, "Do you understand yourself?" I said no. He asks me how do I know I don't. I tell him because nothing makes sense to me. Then he breaks it to me. That is not what he sees. Great. He tells me the only time he really knows I am not doing well is when I cut or purge.

I have also taken to wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it and it got to him. He asked me to stop. Fine. I put my hands under Frederick and kept it up. He asked me why I was doing it. I skirted the issue. Of course he knows why and I know why and if I tell him why we will talk about it and then he will take it away...add it to my "cannot do list." I "need" it. Okay, he finds it distracting he'd find me tapping on my collar bone even more distracting if I ever lost the weight again!

Maybe I need to get someone to tell him what I have told him and he doesn't seem to hear coming from ME:

• my mood has been spiraling since June (I read him that...he HAS a copy)
• I still feel like I have to justify being alive
• Life feels overwhelming

I don't know what else to say. I have said it several times and yet he still doesn't know. Okay, he may know...but he probably wants me to say it plainly. I have said two of the three very simply.

The one thing I did tell him today was that I DO want to be able to feel my feelings, but why bother when his office is the only safe place I can do it?

Tonight is one of those nights I just want to give up and give in. I feel incredibly alone and that no one out there really gets it...they just pat me on the head and assure me I'm loved. I am beginning to have my doubts about that one.

Fighting the Voices...

My dieitian goes on maternity leave the 16th so I will see her on the 15th and then not again until March. I have very mixed feelings about it. I did tell her I can check in with Rob and he won't let me starve to death so that's a plus!

Part of me wants to make sure I do well and get on track when I see her in March and part of me is now "free" to quit fighting to put food in my mouth at least once a day because there is no one to really watch that. It's not like I am losing weight or anything so who cares if I eat or not?

I know the thinking is not the best...but I think it is in reaction to all that is going on. My mother pretty much watches me like crazy these days and I haven't purged in going on three months...so unless I start heading back to the YMCA and go nuts...I'll be OK.

??????

Doube post...ooops

To Sleep....

I am so exhausted. Sleep is still not in my vocabulary and it is not helping with therapy. Rob reminded me today that I have been slacking on coming in with an agenda. Ummm...he’s right, but I can barely get through a day because I am so tired. He told me that I have lots of time to think since I am not sleeping. Ugh! He’s right though...I need to do better.

So, I did tell him I did as he asked and tried to watch myself and see if I could figure out why I can’t sleep. I am stressed...I can feel it in my shoulders. The closer we get to my mom’s anniversary date of her last OD attempt the more I dread sleeping. This one I phoned him and told him because I forgot in session today. I think I am doing it to punish myself. I am restricting...but that is like breathing to me so it gets ignored that is a 24/7 type punishment...not that my weight is dropping because it’s not...but I am eating about once a day. To cut or purge what I do eat comes with consequences that I don’t want. I don’t want to stop seeing Rob the momentary relief is not worth losing him. I hate to drink, I refuse drugs (unless I could get my hands on ephedrine) and that leaves sleep.

Today we tackled my mom. I was on such auto-pilot from that whole thing I never processed it much with Rob. We were pretty busy making sure I didn’t follow suit. That was a mistake. He should have let me go. I think I have spent the last few months mad at him for doing his job. I don’t think he realizes I still have the means...I am under contract and he seems to ignore that I tell him my mood has been spiraling down for the last 6 months so why bother?

Anyway, I went back and went through the whole thing. I think it frustrates him that I am pretty detached emotionally from it. I know why. Some of it is my own fears of losing control. Some of it is to suppress my anger about it (which I am sure he has figured out) and some of it is me hearing his voice telling me that he doesn’t always know my motivation for crying when it happens. He still doesn’t get how much that disturbs me. He keeps reminding me that emotions are like the weather and they will change...but HIS OFFICE is the ONLY safe place I have and who wants to let loose with the emotions when I have to leave and come home?

I know I have to deal with this. I just don’t want to.

Wonky Computer

There is something wrong with my screen so I will be gone for a few days while I take it to the Apple Store and get it fixed. It was fine day and then this...ugh!

Why, Why, Why???

Deep thought for the day:

When I am going to STOP feeling I have to justify my life????

Now, I know I don't have to...I can back it up with Scripture. I know all the answers to all my stupid questions about it...but it dawned on me as Rob carefully pointed out I am putting myself above God when it comes to forgiving myself and trying not to hurt other people.

I am so sleep deprived it is not even funny so that doesn't help...but AUGH!

Never Tell Anyone...

...you have a zillion things to say about something because then they will want to KNOW what those zillion thoughts are!

I emailed Rob last night just to ask how he liked the cookies I baked himand to share a bit more how I felt about the two year thing. So, he emails me and tells me that the cookies were "AWESOME"and that I should ready to share those zillion thoughts. The thing is...I can write themdown and share what he means to me with other people, but to sit in the same room with him and tell him...*shudder.* I also asked him when he ever overreacted to anything? I am guessing he is talking about the "incident," but I don't think he did overreact. He said he'd show me a log of him overreacting! Hehehehe.... Then he said he must have because he is "too human." I get what he means by that. I KNOW that I am NOT PERFECT!!! I do. Maybe I don't...

I really wish I was seeing him Friday instead of tomorrow since I was just there yesterday, but that means he is taking Friday off and that is a GOOD thing.

Update...

I really didn’t expect Rob to remember today. I mean I had emailed him and asked him if he knew what today was. I am sure he looked it up…but when I walked in today and sat down he flashed two fingers at me. Truthfully, I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. He asked me what I was feeling about the two years and I had a very hard time saying anything.

At the end he told me that it has not seemed like two years and he was honored (or something like that…that may have been what Marc said…but close enough) to be part of my life. He also said something about him overreacting at times. Okay, I am sure he is referring to the cutting incident, but I did not see that as overreacting. He was ticked, I was "defiant," and we dealt.

The odd thing is that I think we are in a place of if it did happen he would understand more because we have been working hard and he had said if I were dealing with stuff and I cut he could understand it more. Not that I am going to. The thoughts are there and I am trying to let them be there...but it's not fun.

I am so jealous of the Forumites in ATL. A very sweet and caring person told me if I PM them my phone number they would call me as others have been called. But, that is not the point. If they had WANTED to call me in the first place, they would have asked before they left. I just feel less and less like I belong there and will do my job...but right now it hurts way too much be there. I know I am being a whiny brat...but things like that happen at church as well and one cannot think there is something wrong with me and if I could starve it out, cut it out or purge it out I would do it in a heartbeat. I have just been feeling like I no longer fit in anyplace.

I am trying to stop those thoughts because I know where they lead...and it's not because I was there this time last year...none of that has ever truly been resolved and it's been a spiral since June.

And as I say that...it reminds me of something Rob said today...that even though I know I am not perfect and make mistakes...I very much look like I have it all together and when something very human happens (i.e. forgetting the book) that outs a chink in that armor...I really beat myself for it. There is probably some truth to that.

He understands why I get frustrated because my thinking is so black and white...and he keeps telling me "I just" (seems to be a fave of mine...I just have to get over it, I just have to suck it up, etc.) is not going to happen.

But, as much as we have talked about it I don't think he really and truly gets that the book thing put me in a tailspin...that it goes much deeper. We have talked about it almost every session for weeks now...but he doesn't get it that it makes no difference that he was OK with it, that I didn't need to drop itoff the next day, etc. I know he said that me forgetting the book was no where near grounds for terminiation...but he doesn't get that I am afraid to make a mistake in therapy again...because how many little ones like that are going to add up into something that causes him to say he can no longer treat me?

Crash and Burn...

My mood crashed pretty much as soon as I walked out of Rob's office. We again tackled the "book thing" and how my standards are simply way too high. I struggle very much with how keeping promises is a high standard. He does not manipulate, he does not try to play tricks on me...but he got me Thursday. We were talking and all of a sudden his says, "Blink." I thought he meant I was disassociating. He meant the book I brought in with me...a Ted Dekker novel. I totally forgot I had it with me. He was pointing out that my memory is NOT perfect and that it is OK NOT to be perfect. I still feel like he is missing the point.

If I had been alone when I got home...I probably would have purged my lunch. Not because he is right but out of frustration of the process, but I also know that could come with dire consequesnces.

I was breaking up a cat fight outside and it was one of those fall nights I love here...that smells like fall and is crisp and cool. The thought occured to me that it would be so eay to simply go back in the house and take "the stash" and I was OK with those thoughts. Still not sure how disturbed I am by those thoughts being that present and that non-chalant. This I know I will not tell Rob...at least for a little while...because it was just a thought and not a I need to call him thing.

November 22, 2002 I walked into his office for the first time. I had been with another therapist for about 2 1/2 months before I decided I was actually worth not taking his...I dunno...crap and being compared to sicker ED clients.

I had, oddly enough, come back from Mt.Hermon and gave it another week or two. I walked out of that last session and drove to my office and IMd with friends and did some online counseling with New Hope because I knew I would come home and cut angrily. Three hours later I was able to go home.

Either that night or the next day I called the CCC and said I needed a new therapist...at this point I was willing to give a female therapist a try...but I couldn't go back to that idiot again. The called me back and gave me Rob's name and he called me a few hours later. I went in on Friday, November 22 and if I hadn't felt good about it...I never would have gone back.

He is not the first Christian T I have had. I have no doubt the others prayed for me, but it stunned me when he asked if he could do it at the end of the session. Then he asked if he could give me a hug. OK...Marc NEVER hugged me...even at the end. Greg didn't hug me until the end. Some days it is that "Jesus with skin on" I get from him that can make the next day or so bearable.

I am so blessed that he is in my life...even the days I want to kick 'em!

About Last Night...

You know the feeling you get when you know you are doing what you were made to do? Yeah...it was like that.

It was so "natural," so "I have always been there" to the point that they forgot I didn't know my way around when we played Sardines! This kids acted like I had always been there and it's funny because the "staff" to student ratio is 2 students for every leader. There is Andrew (the intern), Alex and Dave. A & A go to UCSC and Dave is in his 40s maybe? Not sure. He didn't go to Mt. Hermon so I didn't meet him until last night.

I get there and see Kim adn she yells, "Hi, Deneice! How are you?" Yeah...totally normal stuff.

One of the strangest things was on my way home. I mean the night went great, it was fun, in two weeks we are going bowling, etc. But, this urge to go home and cut followed me much of the way home. I really tried to figure out why. I mean that was normally my MO when things didn't go well...as punishment.

Then this thought hit me. It goes back to still NOT knowing who I am outside of YM. All of a sudden I am back in it and my mood goes up a zillion percent from here it has been. This is not a good thing. I mean, the fact my mood has improved is a good thing...the reasons behind it? Not so much.

It's a "Rob Day" so I will bring that up for sure!

My Mother...

So...

We are watching Dr. Phil (yeah, yeah...she likes him) and it’s part two of the “real life desperate housewives” and the women are telling their secrets to their husbands. One woman has been bulimic for about 15 years and purges 1-6 times a day. My mom looks over at me and says, “Eating disorders really are a disease aren’t they?”

I was a good girl and kept my mouth shut. Then she asked me if I still purged and I said no. Didn’t tell her it had only been two months since the last time though!

Then the other thing...I guess she got my computer on Friday when she and my friend Kim went shopping. Now all I hear her complain about is the balance on her credit card. You know what? I never asked for the darn thing...she offered to get me one for Christmas. I am ready to tell her to take it back if it will shut her up.

YIPES!

I'm gonna be a volunteer again!!!!!

I'm home about from our Presby retreat. The speaker STANK big time. But, I figure that's what we get when the speaker is booked 6 weeks before the retreat. I was unamused though. The band, same one we have used for years...was excellent as always!

The Talent Show was a blast and all the other leaders were worried. It was supposed to end at 11:30 and went until almost midnight! I knew what I was doing...I just don't need to run around like a chicken with my head cut-off to do it!

Anyway, as my church did not send kids up...I offered to be the leader for the 1st Presbyterian Church of Santa Cruz girls.

Friday night I asked Andrew (the YP) if I was doing this because his female leader couldn't make it. He said he didn't have one!

He does now! I will be joining him and Alex (other male leader) and helpong with the high school ministry. They are thrilled that I am willing to drive 45 minutes "over the hill" and because Alex has been doing this for 2-3 months and Andrew has been there for about 6-7 months.

Wednesday will be my first night. I didn't tell the girls and not sure if he has yet. We all really clicked well and I am soooo excited!

Off To Mount Hermon!

Packing took precious little time and now I am in the "If I leave now I will have HOURS to kill. But, I can do some touristy stuff as well as just "be."

Rob talked about Henry Nouwen's "In the Name of Jesus" yesterday in our session and darn it...he knows when he does that I have to go out and buy it!

Berean didn't have it...Barnes & Noble did. Small book...but it was $15! Thank goodness for the membership card! Ugh. But, I flipped through and think it will be a good read.

Since I don't have any kids to "worry" about during free time tomorrow...I am going to have a lot of time on my hands to just journal and stuff. This is going to be good.

Yesterday Rob commented on how much my thinking is classic ED thinking (duh!) and I need to find a way to break out of it...not that it will happen right away (although if God wanted to...I would not complain!)...but even if I could chip away at stuff.

Like...why am I afraid of the stuff Ron said being true. I mean I know if I would have said...what don't you like about me...or what are my weaknesses...he would have given them to me in love...but I also know I need no help in that area anyway!

This session with Rob should be interesting. I got some feedback from a former student and from Ron (which almost made me cry) and I think it will give Rob and I a ton to talk about. Then I get to bring Frederick home with me until Monday!

Woo hoo!

I almost blew it last night. In spite of my better judegement I had dinner last night and that made me feel nauseous...and I was almost hoping I would end up being sick...although...WAY GROSS PART COMING UP...it's a lost worse when it's not your choice. When it is your choice, while icky...it's not near as bad.

Anyway...

Above and beyond all that I left yesterday's session not ready to leave. I turned the tears off way too easily and that was probably a mistake. I take all that home and can't do anything about it because homw is not "safe," and I got to the point of wanting to cut. I stayed online for over an hour...but there was no one to talk to...REALLY talk to and so I emailed Rob at least to let him know where my head was at the moment (does he reply??? NOPE...hate when he does that)...and then got off to watch "Family Guy."

I had the "implement" in my hand and debated and debated and debated...and put it aside. Not only did I not want to fill out a Behavior Chain Analysis, but Rob still hasn't decided what he is going to DO about the whole mess. Cutting also would not have solved anything in the long run...not that always stops me. But, I DIDN'T DO IT and that is a good thing.

Update...

Without too much prompting I managed to dive deeper into the whys of all this hurting and my fears, etc. The biggest one being...what if I don't do know how to do this anymore? What happens when Rob tells me I am free to look for a FT ministry position and I get one and I forget how to do all this? Am I slowly losing "it" the longer I am out of YM? This is what I get to ponder between now and Thursday.

I Need Sleep!

This not being able to sleep for two months the entire night is getting old. I can udually deal OK...but it triggered a migraine at church. That would be no biggie...EXCEPT...today was the day we gave Bible to our 4th graders. I did the presentation and asked Steve to pray instead of me and then I toughed it out until the last hymn.

One thing I have realized and I have tried to not let it bother me...until now...is how I am treated post Remuda LIFE. People at church either still consider me part of the church and part of their lives (meaning youth and their parents) or I am now just that person that works with the elementary kids. That was made crystal clear when I didn't get invited to Ben's wedding. It also hurts...a lot...made even more clear by not being invited to the wedding when Ben and Chrissy were so excited to TELL me in the first place!

Oh well...it gives me something to talk to Rob about. Honestly, it hurts way more than I could put in words...but that's what he is there for. Heck...here and in his office are the only places I can even mention something like this!

&%*^%*!!! ^%*%^$%&!!!

Augh....

What am I doing wrong???

I am not neglecting my relationship with God and it has been SO COOL that Rob and I have been taking out his Bible and using it in our sessions lately...although he took the verses he gave me yesterday totally out of context and that drove me batty!

I KNOW there is nothing I can do to earn His love and would fail (and have) miserably.

I KNOW I am so far from perfect it's not even funny...

But I STILL can't get it through my thick skull.

Yesterday he asked me what I got from it.

Nothing...I get that it's a choice but when I let someone down for fail to deliver I think it is totally irresponsible and he doesn't get that is not acceptable. His answer? We are ALL irresponsible from time to time. But, does that mean I shouldn't care when I screw up?

I wake up in the morning and I know it's a choice on how I am going to face the day and I WANT to make it a good one, be able to give myself a break, etc.

But then it just overwhelms me. This deep pit of nothing that just engulfs me and I try not to let it...I try and fight it...but all I want to do is run away and hide or hear Rob say that it is OK I don't have the answer to why I want to cry all the time.

I just don't what to do anymore...

I've held off on behaviors (except restricting) and that had been so very, very hard. I want to take the blade and plunge it into my skin and let the blood flow...I want to take all I am feeling that I can't put words to and takeit out on my body togive me a moment of relief. I should get it OFF my nightstand so I don't see it...I think I keep it there to torture myself.

IDIOT!!!

I simply have no idea what to say today. I hate this...I suppose it will get easier...but right now it feels like I am going to walk in their and fail. I should have cancelled.

All I really want to do is get there, sit on the couch with Frederick and cry. However, that is hard for me to do (unless I was alone) and then Rob would want to know WHY. I don't know WHY...I just know I want to.

After seeing Toni yesterday, I really can't afford to see him today and make it to pay day next week anyway...but it's a little late for that.

I don't know what I am going to do. We are supposed to pick something up today from Monday and I can't remember what.

I just want a big earthquake to come and swallow me up.

Sigh...

4 1/2 hours until I see Rob and have NO CLUE what I want to talk about.

I promised Toni I would bring up the meds...at least before I see her again. But, for the most part, I just want to sit on his couch and bawl and have NO clue why. So, I can't do that because he wants to know WHY...I don't know...there is just this huge well of pain that is becoming overwhelming.

The Book...

I dropped it off today with a note. It was going to drive me nuts between now and Thursday if I hadn't have done that.

Not like it was going out of my way.

Feeling Like I Am on Thin Ice...

Today was the second day of this new arrangement. It is going OK. I am trying to do what he wants and he is trying hard NOT toask me questions to get us started. It is a little uncomfortable...but I have to believe that will change in time.

As we talked yet again about the standards I have for myself it is so hard to admit I WANT perfection even though I am aware I sure as heck am NOT going to achieve it. I still want to give it my best shot...aren't we supposed to try our best? Which them starts the cycle all over again because he says to me, "And what do you consider you best to be?" Grrr...argh...

He had loaned me a book Thursday on some DBT stuff and I promised...P-R-O-M-I-S-E-D I would have it back to him today. I forgot all about it. Not only did I forget it...I left it in my car forgetting I even HAD the book. He asks me about it and I just dissolved into tears.

Part of it was because I forgot the book. I promised him I would bring it back today and I forgot. The other part is I feel like I am on thin ice as it is. One more mistake and I am out.

I think I took him by surprise. I think I took ME surprise. He wouldn't let me cry which is funny because normally he encourages it and askes me if I am being reasonable with myself. I said yes because I was irresponsible. He asked me if it were my book and someone forgot it would I think THEY were irresponsible? Of course not. Yet I feel that way.

We pick it up Thursday.

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?

The Day After...

I walked into Rob's office not quite knowing what to expect...was it going to be like Monday? He had sent me an email on Tuesday night asking for what I had read to him on Monday and making sure I was OK. I emailed him back and said since Thursday was my b-day...I only wanted to talk about sports!

It was okay. I got there and he did let me talk about sports for a bit. We were both excited for the Red Sox! While I am not normally a Bo Sox fan...anyone who beats the Yankees are my "new best friends." The he asked me if I filled out the BCA like he asked and I said yes. I read it and we talked about what stuck out for me.

We talked about me tearing up walking into The Wooden Horse (cool toy store by where my mom works) and then again during one of the video montage's during the World Series.

We talked about my misinterpretation of that verse in Matthew and I told him I still struggle with how do I know what is too high a standard...especially if I don't impose my standards on anyone else? Now the question is what are God's standards? Ugh!

Ick

I'm 35 today...ick!

It Hurts to Breathe

I walk into Rob's office and sit down on the couch...I've gone back to sitting on the couch...not sure why. I pick up Frederick and try to breathe. Rob sits in his leather office chair Indian style and says nothing. No smile, no "well?" and for sure no sports talk. I am anxious to the nth degree...take a deep breath and read what I wrote over the weekend.

He thanked me and then wanted to share a few things with me. He thought about flat out terminating me for "definace." That is a new one. I have never been called defiant...but as I think about it...my actions were defiant. But, he is not going to do that...yet. He's still not quite sure what he is going to do...it may be a three strikes and I'm gone...it may be ALL behaviors at which point Toni is going to have to step in because there is NO way I can just all of a sudden eat three meals a day...but it would probably be "only" the SI and the purging (though it has been weeks since the last time I purged). I can live with that.

There is one thing I just don't think he is hearing me on...there are days it hurts just to wake up and function. There are days that I have not come into the office because I can't handle it. I don't how to make it any clearer than that to him.

I feel so much pressure to try and figure out what I want to talk about on Thursday. That's the new thing...I need to come in with an agenda. I think there is so much...that I can't figure out where to start.

Take 2

Sorry Anna! I tried! I missed not being with my friend Anna sooo much. I was not alone...but it was very strange not to have her with me during "Shine" and "Breakfast!"

Duncan and Jody Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Grrr...

It was hard to get a good picture of Duncan!!!

Duncan and Peter Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Million Pieces

This was a surprise and so very cool!

Million Pieces Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Phil and Jeff

These are Newboys Pix from Great America! Enjoy!

Phil and Jeff Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Sigh...

Contented sigh? Resigned sigh? What the ^#@%^$ am I doing sigh? Probably all three.

Yesterday, my friend Kim and I went to Great America for their Fall Celebration. It was cold, it was rainy...but would not miss the chance to see The Newsboys for anything! They were wonderful and wish they would have played for another hour...at least! I'll try and post pix later if they look OK.

I wish I could say it took my mind of tomorrow and what I feel is almost a waste. I don't know what to say to Rob to show that I AM motivated...just struggling. I guess that's what I need to say.

The Monday I forgot all of the previous Thursday, I ended up calling him later because it all came back to me as the lights were going down at the movies. He never responded. What he told me the next time I saw him was that he almost emailed with this simple sentence: "Do you ever struggle?" That would have driven me nuts...but he has a point. He explained to me that I come through that door and he'd never know what was going inside because I seem so "together" when I walk in. I told him Greg used to tell me the same thing. As I think about it, Marc is probably the only T that has seen me walk in and not be all up and happy.

I think I left my notebook at home and if my mom reads it I will die...literally. How could I be so stupid? I thought I had it with me!

Anyway, even amidst some awesomr worship with the Newsboys...I was close to tears and not feeling alone because God's presence was so there...but feeling apart from it all...like I didn't belong.

I have no clue what to expect tomorrow. I want to be able to read to him all that I am feeling and all that I want and yet am so scared. I know he is not the ONLY therapist in the world...but if this is it...it's over. I won't do this again. I can't. I don't have it in me.

Cut Off...

motivation

n 1: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior; "we did not understand his motivation"; "he acted with the best of motives" [syn: motive, need] 2: the condition of being motivated; "his motivation was at a high level" 3: the act of motivating; providing incentive [syn: motivating]

I guess I have none. Actually, I think I do...it is just hidden under my mood that has been spiraling down since June. But, Rob has had enough.

I've been engaging in a behavior and, until yesterday, kept it from him. I feel like I "need" it and that he is trying to take it away and so I have kept quiet for the past week. He finally asked me point blank (because he forgot to Monday) and I couldn't lie. So I told him...all of it. Well...except the part about me doing it so I don't feel totally dead inside...but that will come on Monday.

He was understandably angry and part of me is thinking, "FINALLY! He is coming right out with how much I am frustrating him." Of course, I wasn't counting on him telling me no phone calls or email...no contact until I see him on Monday and tell him "where I am at."

So, I am working on it. I am writing whenever thoughts come to me...even if they don't totally answer the question or are just huge tangents.

Maybe it's not worth it...I'm not worth it...maybe I should have just quietly exited last year...

Have I Mentioned I Love Rob??

I'd love him more if he gave me a price break...but the man has to make a living! :)

Seriously though, Friday all day was bad, bad, bad. My mom and her constant negativity just finally got to me and I left the house in tears to goto the store. I called Rob from the store and told him I was notdoing well, the ED voice would NOT shut up and I couldn't take much more. He called me back (once while I was still gone) and I went in for an extra session at 6.

It's not even that he said was a ton of help. Some of it is confusing. However, in those moments, what I really needed was just to be in the ONLY real safe place in my life, be able to snuggle with Frederick and just listen to him talk me down. What was said was good stuff...but paled in comparison to feeling safe for that hour.

One thing that he said on Monday and I talked about both Thursday and Friday is that therapy has been so inconsistent since I really started this journey five years ago (and have have the ED for almost 15 years now). There was Marc...he left...I saw Linda until I went to Remuda and thereI had Lauren and then Kelvey Ann at LIFE. I came home and went back to Linda...ick! Tried someone else...she didn't work and then there was Greg. He was great. Then I moved to Indiana and the was Dave the Terrible followed by my move back here and David the Worse. Then there was Rob, a 60 day trip back to Remuda with Betsy AND Darcy and back to Rob.

As he put it...my brain must be in knots trying to figure it all out. What I am trying to do is take the good (Marc, Lauren, Greg and Rob) and filter out that which was harmful. I think a GOOD thing is I no longer feel guilty for saying, "Greg said that" or "Lauren and I talked about that as well." Rob has never had a problem with it...it was all me...but I now realizeit helps him see what does work.

So, while I am still on edge...he calmed me down a little, was late going home (thank you Mrs. Rob) and gave me good stuff to ponder this weekend.

I also LOVED being there in the evening. His shades were totally drawn, soft light (he never uses the overheads) and his little desk waterfall thingie was going. It helped relax me a lot. I like his office in the fall/winter! Seems a bit more cozy!

I Dunno...

Yesterday was another day I couldn't do it. I could not come in. This is NOT a good thing. I am here today though.

I went and paid my car insurance, got a haircut and went to the library before I saw Rob. Because the $$$ is so, so, so tight right now...I should have cancelled. By and large it was a very hard yet very good session...but I came out of it so hurt and confused that I really don't want to go back.

It would be so easy. Because of the $$ situation I already had to cancel my dieitian and it could be so easy to just fade out of the radar with Rob. I know this is coming from some anger and because I am hurt...but I don't deserve to go back.

We came to a point where I have realized that my standards are impossibly high and how I have made them higher than what God expects from me (which confuses me...but whatever...doesn't He ask for perfection...even if we blow it?). I felt dumb...really dumb and kind of got quiet and was already pretty teary. Rob asked me if this was something I wanted to work on and I said yes...but my voice was so quiet. The next thing I know he says something about me not sounding very motivated to do it. I don't know why he said that. I was quiet when I answered...I was overhwlemed because it seems like the list we have to work on is endless...and he said that and I was already feeling stupid and the tears started again.

For Rob the words came out before he could stop them. He knew what would happen as soon as they came out of his mouth and could tell by my face. He asked me why I was crying and tried the "I don't know" and Rob didn't buy it...of course. He asked me if it was because he hurt me and I nodded yes. Rob asked me if I could tell him that and I couldn't. He wants to know from me...even when he can see my reactions...but he acknowledged that I have never had the freedom to do that in the past.

I just feel like I am a failure in therapy and for the first time he didn't really deny it. He gave me some definition for failure that I can't recall.

I know he doesn't get it right now because I haven't told him I haven't been in the office two days this week. I don't even know why he'd need to know. To me, it seems like total laziness on my part...suck it up and do my job...

Another reaction is to bake him something for being such a huge disappointment, but I think he would know that is why I did it so I will try and be "good" and not try and make it all up to him by baking.

I feel dumb because it was drilled into my head...no one can "make" us do anything...we have a choice. But as the words came out his mouth it didn't feel like I chose to feel hurt by what he said. So, he had nothing to be sorry for.

I wish...well...I can't say what I wish...

I Dunno...

Today was one of those days where I could not force myself to get up and go to work. I couldn't do it. I tried...but it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't one of those "mental health" days where I dosomething fun or relaxing...it was me on the couch on the verge of tears over who knows what...wanting to call Rob and yet not knowing what to say.

Yesterday he asked me about my thoughts from Thursday and I totally blanked out. I literally couldn't remember Thursday at all. That went over like a lead balloon and the session left me feeling like a total failure. I didn't dare cry because I was afraid he would think they weren't real. I went to a movie afterward and as the previews started...it came back to me.

I am such a screw up!

I Want God to Open Up a Hole and TAKE Me!

AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

I wish I had never been born. I wish I knew what God was thinking when He put me in this family because I can't figure it out to save my life.

Today's marginally OK dinner for my grandfather became a fight over my soon to be 35th B-day and where we are going to dinner. I don't get a chance to vote. I don't get to decide, I don't get a say at all. I was really hoping I could have a nice 35th B-day cuz that is one of those kinda milestoney type years...but it is going to be hell. My grandmother said she would give my mom $$ and she and i could go to one place and my g'ma and g'pa wouldgo where we went today.

I want to forget the day exists, I would for ONCE like for them to ask me what I might want to do...I'd like to take it all out of their hands and disappear for that weekend...but what little extra $$ I had has had to go for therapy.

I thought I was doing better...but I am such at the breaking point!

Just Track with Me...

BUFFY: Because? okay. I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm going to turn out to be. I make it through this and the next thing and the next thing and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m? (covers) or enjoy warm, delicious cookie-me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.

I love Buffy and have always been fond of this quote...okay...it's from the last episode so it hasn't been years and years of fondness...but it made so much sense to me then and it does now as well.

Yesterday as Rob and I were talking, I was very aware of what my brain was doing...it was twisting Rob's words around and making them negative. It came down to me telling myself that anything good I do I do for the wrong reasons even if I don't think they are wrong. We were talking about motive and expectations of the good things we do. I guess the one thing I am having a really hard time getting my head around and need to email him about is that there is a motive and expectation is all that we do. I guess most of the time it is subconscious, but I never think of it in terms of what I'll get.

All this to say...Rob was very excited I was able to sit there in our session and realize what my head was doing and that I could stop and look at it. It reminded me of the quote from "Buffy." I think that is so true of all of us. I still have no clue who I am outside of the ED. I still want my mom's love and approval to MY satisfaction...having a hard time STILL accepting that she can only give so much. I want it to really sink in the ONLY acceptance I need is from God.

I am still cookie dough.

Oriental Trading Company and Other "Stuff"

So, I order some dog tags from OTC for the giveaways for October. Shipping cost more than the items! How lame is that?? Oh well...they will appeal to both the boys and girls and that is the important thing!

I need to go look at Bibles at Berean. We need to make sure the kids have them this month. I have not been able to find the 4-5 I need and I may have to order them elsewhere. I don't have the $$ to do it...but such is ministry!

Other than that things are kinda "eh." Not really looking forward to seeing Rob. I know I keep saying it...but it's not him as much as I am sick of feeling feelings in there with him. He made the comment Monday about being vulnerable is scary and I said yes. he allowed me to sit there for a few more minutes so I could walk out of his office in OK shape. He gaveme the usual big bear hug before I left. There are days I just like it and other days where it's like Jesus giving me a hug through Rob...it's weird and hard to explain but some hugs seem more "special."

As we go through what I sent him paragraph by paragraph it is going to be hard work. I do not shy away from hard work as a rule...but it is so emotionally drianing. I went home and ended up taking an early evening nap on Monday I was so exhausted.

I keep asking myself why the past few years have been such a struggle and why I can't get it together. One thing I have realized is that I did not expect to be alive this long. I was all set to be dead at 30. I am not. Don't think it's going to be happening quite yet. I don't know what to DO with that.

I ask myself if losing Rob is why I cling to ED. I don't think so. I may have not been entirely honest with behaviors...but I have not stayed "sick" to keep him. I know when the day comes I will be sad...BUT...I think he will allow limited contact. Greg allowed it and after my letter April 2003...I haven't written him. But, I am still a little ways from having to worry about it. So, I try to put it aside along with my fear that he's going to leave...or I will.

Exhausted

Today was just as hard as I thought. I emailed Rob some stuff Friday that I knew I would have to read out loud today. I know that is the deal...but I balked at it anyway.

So, I read it. I prefer it ONLY because he reads it so monotone that it drives me nuts! Then, of course, when we go to discuss it he re-reads it! Grrrr...

We seem to be going through it paragraph by paragraph and sentence by sentence. I see myself becoming very frustrated because wanting to change does not mean I make up my mind to stop trying to please everyone...in finding the "whys" change will come. Bah! I get it...but I hate it. I have NO patience with myself!

Deep, Dark, Black Hole...

I am not sure where I am going with this. I consciously do not feel like I wake up and choose to hate myself, to feel unloveable, etc. I feel like I wake up and there it is.

Yesterday was a really lousy session. He told me I wasn't trying to change, that I am continuing to choose to believe lies (does he NOT get that I have no idea what is the truth?) and it finally got to a point where I am sitting on the floor on one end of the couch clutching Frederick and he is on the floor on the other side his body turned away from me and totally exasperated.

Once I found some words again and he started giving feedback...it got better, but I am so confused. He told me he thinks that I am trying to make a huge switch from being all bad to being all good. I told him for the zillionth time that I know I can't be all good. I am beginning to think he doesn't think I truly believe it.

What I am beginning to understand is that God given, people given...whatever...I am having a very, very, VERY difficult time accepting that there is any good there. Yes...in my saner moments I know that there has to be otherwise I'd be totally alone...but I still can't get my head around that my family would PURPOSELY lie to me. Rob keeps reminding me that it shows how sick they were/are...I still have my doubts.

I am not looking forward to Monday. Right now I don't care if he says that he isn't mad at me...that he is acting like a coach trying to push me to the next level...he was mad at me yesterday...he was frustrated and had no patience with me and that's OK if he tells me that...but he didn't and I bet that means he had another run-in with the same person who put him in a "mood" the last time this happened.

My Uncle is an Idiot!

Yesterday my g'ma informed me that the man who molested me is going to go visit my Uncle Mike in a couple weeks. She didn't know NOT to tell me because she is unaware of the abuse.

I had actually managed to block out his whole name until yesterday. I had given him another last name. Hearing brought back his name and his face to me. I had blocked that out as well.

My aunt and uncle know full well what happened...I wrote them myself. I cannot believe they are allowing him into their lives again. I have forgiven him...I really have...but forgiveness doesn't always mean welcoming someone back into your life. I guess it does for my family and I thank God they are far away in WA. I would be more upset if this was actually happening here.

Lies, Lies and More Lies!

I am really trying to figure out truth from lies. Not that I think Rob would lie to me. Not sure he gets what my reality really and truly is like. I think he knows...but then it appears as if he doesn't.

I really feel like I am living two separate lives. There is my internal world...the one full of the "bad stuff" I think about me, what has been said about me, etc. Certain people see it...but for the most part even they don't see how deep it goes. Rob describes me as a deep well all the time and in some respects he is correct. This is the part that doesn't believe, whether in anger or drunkenness, that what has been said about her could possibly be lies. Why would adults say that sort of stuff to a kid if it wasn't true?

Then there is the part that most people see. The part who appears to have it fairly together...can laugh, joke and have fun. Can be Ms. Supportive and Helpful because that is who God has wired her to be. The part that feels productive and tries to work hard and make others happy.

There are times I feel like that part is going to swallowed whole by the other part. My ruse will be discovered. The truth of what a dirty, rotten, disgusting, unloveable thing I am will finally come out to all. I can't cut it out, I can't purge or starve it out...it is going to take over unless I can stop it.

I Honor Your Tears...

Just when I think Rob cannot say anything else or do anything else that would cause me to trust him more...he does.

Yesterday was...well...weird. I sat down and grabbed Frederick off the couch. Took the throw off the other couch and wrapped around my feet and we talked sports a minute. We then moved to a VM I left him. I forgot about it. Once he started to talk about it it dawned on me and we talked stuff out. It was good.

Then I sat there and debated where to go next. Do I read stuff from the kinda journal I keep that brings up a ton of shame and embrassment or do I take out the body image yarn that Betsy had me do at LIFE and explain to him that I can't accept my body where it is out because what I see is so distorted! The yarn won out. We talked about it...still doesn't think he quite gets it. Then there was silence.

I wasn't ready to read it. The rest of it is no problem...but there is a paragraph in there that I can't bear to read. The deal is either I read stuff out loud or he does. I was hoping this ONE time he would just read it and let us go on from there...no such luck.

So, I went to a different place. I told him that Thursday, when we said I looked relieved after doing some more crying, I thought about it a lot. I realized over the weekend that those tears on Thursday was the FIRST time I had ever cried about the molestation. I never had before. Kinda weird...I think. I think I stunned him a little. He knows I hate to cry and that I think it shows weakness...but considering that was 22 years ago...I think he was shocked it took that long for it to happen.

I think he figured that whatever I have to read would bring the tears. He looked at me and told me that he needs me to know that he honors my tears more than I can ever know and that he wanst the same for me. He told me it was OK that I couldn't read and that we'll try again Thursday if I am ready for it. He wanted me to leave there and be OK with not reading it.

I have probably cried more in there in the past three weeks than I have in the almost two years that I have been seeing him. I still hate it...I still hate me when I allow it to happen...but I am trying to let Rob's words sink in.

Back to 12...

I would have to say I have felt very fortunate that my flashbacks are few and far between. In fact, it has been almost a year since I have had one. Then came yesterday.

Yesterday I was expecting to go in and talk about what Rob and I had started about my family and the alcoholism and all that "good stuff." But that didn't happen. We ended up talking food and my dislike for it and the whys which then took us to how much I hate my body. He was trying to help me break out of the "hate cycle" I have with it. Usually...he gets it. This time...he is a little off. Anyway, as much as I trust him...body image is a very hard thing to talk about with him . I usually leave that for Toni.

So, there I am feeling really icky and tearing up (jerk!) and boom! back in the garage, I was 12 and for the first time in a very, very long time I felt it all come rushing back...it lasted for hours which was unamusing. The last time we talked about it I remember I probably was feeling emotions about it more than the physical aspects of it...not this time. This time is was every grope on my breasts, his tongue...well...anyway...I am "happy"it happened in Rob's office. I wasn't alone and he was able to help catch my breath and 1/2 compose myself before walking out the door.

To me, it is NO big revelation that it was at that moment that the hatred of my body was "set in stone." I can even see the issues surrounding it. I think what I need to try and make Rob and Toni and everyone understand that it is just not the physical for me. I mean, with the PCOS I know it is an uphill battle weight-wise without ED. I do know that and somedays can even really and truly accept it. The main goal for me is to be healthy. I also know that with almost 15 years of ED my metabolism is in the cellar and restriting doesn't help. I also know that what I do see in the mirror is still not accurate. I still see myself a lot bigger than I am. I pulled out my body image yarn from Remuda to make sure! I can still sit in my "stomach."

The hatred goes way beyond what I see in the mirror. Maybe even I didn't get that until yesterday.

Behavior Chain Analysis

Label the Problem Behavior
Describe it in enough detail that an actor in a play or movie could recreate the behavior exactly. describe exactly what you did, said, thought and felt and the intensity surrounding the problem behavior.

BAH!

I hate food. I hate that I have to eat. I hate that if I don't I eventually get relly dizzy and feel ooky. I hate that when I try to eat moe than what has been the norm a couple things come into play:

• my stomach empties slow and after major restricting and/or purging any attempt to eat "normally" results in feeling like a stuffed whale
• the feeling from the above makes me want to get rid of it instead of sit with it, deal with it and allow it to stay in my body

Toni said one of my biggest problems is that I don't enjoy food and I need to learn to do that again. She's right. I do NOT enjoy food. I look upon it as a necessary evil and while I don't even see it as that necessary...I am in a small majority. I try to enjoy food...but it seems wrong and gross and latel even certain textures no longer appeal to me.

But, I also see the stupidity of continued restricting because of how food feels in my body when I do eat. Guess what? It does NOT get better by not eating. Eventually, I need to start doing the whole refeeding thing. For me that means trying to eat at least 2x a day and then really work on making those "eating episodes" meals and full meals at that.

The thought once again scares me to death....

Long Time...No Blog!

I hate feeling. I know it supposed to be a GOOD thing...but I hate it! Rob, of course, is thrilled with what has been going on in therapy...bully for him!

Not sure what happened last Thursday. I was struggling with something and while he says he was playing coach...it sounded like he was really sick of me and frustrated. Whatever the cause...all of a sudden I popped out with stuff that I didn't plan on. It wasn't bad nor anything I was hiding...just didn't expect the words to come out of my mouth. It was all about not wanting to feel because people won't like me if they knew what I was really feeling at times. Where did I get a boneheaded idea like that? From a couple isolated cases that I thought I was cool with and I guess I was not.

Then there is all that I am feeling about sharing more family stuff. I can't even remember what I told Rob on Monday. It had to do with my grandmother and alcohol and I can't even begin to remember. Oh...I do now. The one time I chose to get out of the house and take care of ME in a bad situation...my mom made me come home. I had nver told anyone the whole story in years if ever...it was weird sharing that with him.

Through all of this gunk...behaviors are getting worse...but filling out a behavior chain analysis helps a bit. At the very least, getting a narrative on paper gives Rob and I a starting off point to dig a little.

Anyway, I know this makes little sense. I am still trying to make sense of it myself.

Ugh...

Summer has finally decided to come to California. It can go right back. It was 90 in out house at about 5 PM yesterday...it was also 90 at about 10 PM when I tried to go to bed. This really needs to stop...NOW!

So, Rob finally said what we all know. There is no way I will ever ger truly healthy living in my house. I think hearing him really say it for the first time was a bit startling. I have said it, some of you have said it...but to hear him say it...whoa. Of course then comes thr problem of finding someplace to live and trying to tell my mom why I am leaving. HA! That is a joke. She won't get it and I know it should not matter and yet it does...very much.

I have to think about this a lot.

Yesterday, against my better judgement, I spent the better part of my whole session in tears. I blame it on the fact I had maybe two hours of sleep the night before and no sleep always makes me a little vulnerable. Rob, for his part, was "thrilled" to say the least. Actually his words were "I am so proud of you."

I thought the interesting thing was the reason the tears started and what came out of that (the true reason) floored me. I had to fill out a BCA because of the SI and purging. I was having a very hard time with it and when I manged to get the narrative part done it was basically I miss the uncondiational love I had for a whole week while I was"home" and wanted to numb the sdness I have been feeling since coming back to San Jose. Turned out that really wasn't it.

Let me say I do not blame my mother for anything...the verbal and physical abuse...the continued verbal abuse from time to time, etc....but it all came down to it being "all about her." One good thing that came out of that is when I usually manage to really talk about mom stuff...I leave feeling like I totally betrayed her and more insanity ensues. This time I did not.

Yesterday we talked about how eventually I need to be back in "The OC," but no time soon. Rob also assured me that my mother is the psycho (his words...he knows her, has met her and has had a session with her...so he knows) not me and that someone needs to put her in her place. Okay...whatever. I come home and relax a bit because I am so tired from the no sleep. She comes home and everything Rob said went out the window.

I got yelled at for the gate being open. Ummm...it was closed. My grandpa must have opened it and forgot about the dog. So, I get called stupid and irresponsible and all those lovely things that I figure must be true.

Two hysterical calls later...Rob calls me before he leaves for the night. I had told him that there has got to be something defective about ME for her to do this. Something that allows me to fool all y'all and everyone else in my life...but that she sees and reacts to. He made me sit there and listen to him over and over say that it isn't true.

"The morning after" and I am still pretty emotional. I think would be in a really bad spot if he was taking Monday off. He will be there as usual. This really surprised me because Labor Day is usually the only 3 day holiday he takes off...but I am grateful!

I guess I just need prayers for strength to get through the next few days. My focus at work is hot and we have our Kick Off Sunday...I need to be up...WAY up! I also think the low level depressive episode I have been experiencing since June has just blown up a bit...most likely heightened by not enough food and sleep.

Thanks guys! I just feel like I am at my wits' end today!

"We're Painting the Roses Red."

Not this time! The deck of cards is getting Sleeping Beauty's castle ready for Disneyland's 50th Anniversary. While the date is July 17, 2005, D-land will kick off the celebration in May. Revamped Space Mountain, Tiki Room, refurbishment galore, etc.

Photo Library - 711 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

"We're Painting the Roses Red."

Not this time! The deck of cards is getting Sleeping Beauty's castle ready for Disneyland's 50th Anniversary. While the date is July 17, 2005, D-land will kick off the celebration in May. Revamped Space Mountain, Tiki Room, refurbishment galore, etc.

Photo Library - 711 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Another View

This is a view of DCA taken from the opposite side of the water that divides parts of the park.

Photo Library - 679 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

California Screaming

This is where they are "launched" to begin the ride and where "screaming" comes from! The force pretty much causes you to let a scream out no matter what! My only problem with this single loop coaster is that it is NOT authentic to beack boardwalk coasters in CA!

Photo Library - 682 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Anna and EG

This is from the wedding (obviously!). I wish my picture of Ramon (who sang while they lit the unity candle) had turned out. I didn't want to use my flash!

Photo Library - 704 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

I Hate Me...

Last night...when I finally decided to eat something and then chose to get rid of it...it was a weird thought process. I decided that by NOT eating that I was only hurting myself...then I realized I didn't care and I WANTED to hurt myself. The reasons why I am still trying to figure out...but I know some triggers that may have contriubuted to all of it.

I did email Rob and Toni and told them about wanting to hurt myself by purging and will see Rob Thursday and have another week untiI see Toni which stinks...and I am really afraid to face Rob because I need to be able to tell him ALL of it. That is not the worst part. The worst part is he will not yell, he will not hit me, he will not reject me and I really can't take that.

Ugh...

My mother is playing Food Police and it is driving me nuts! Granted, the only thing I have had to eat today is a jupiter peach...but she doesn't know that! :) She just asked me what I was having for dinner! It is 4:45 PM. A bit early for that!

Today I lied to Rob yet again. I have purged (once) and cut (a couple times) since the last time he asked. The purging was the first time in months and did nothing for me...except the feeling of "control," yet I am really not driven to do it again.

He noticed the cuts and I told him that they were the old ones from the last time I did cut (the one I told him about it). He didn't say he didn't believe me...but for the first time I felt myself blush as I denied all of it. I am so bad.

Six Degrees of Separation

It turns out that Rob and Ron were indeed at APU together. That is so funny! I guess it shouldn't shock me all that much. People in my life seem to end up connected through other sources. Ramon, for instance, is a therapist at the Center for Individual and Family Therapy. He works out of both the Orange and Mission Viejo offices. I saw Ts at both places and for a little while, Greg's wife Kendra supervised Ramon. I really like the connections.

Yesterday Rob decided that "fluff time" was over and he jumped right back to where we left off like 6 weeks ago. He pulled out the email I sent him that brought on the last Saturday session. I thought we dealt with it. Guess not. So, we talked about my fear of rejection among other things.

We talked about my crying or lack thereof. I hate to cry. It doesn't solve anything (Rob: "Why does it have to solve anything?"), I hate looking weak, and the biggie...I have been hot for crying in the past. I NEVER said that out loud until yesterday. He isn't shocked by much in my life anymore...but that did shock him a little. It's been on my mind when this topic has come up before, but I have always stopped short of saying it. Still protecting my mom.

I told him last Friday (oh my gosh...has it been a week already????) Dr. D saw me cry because I cried when I said goodbye to him. I told him I thought it was weird because I didn't cry as I left my other friends but as soon as I stepped foot in the office the tears welled up. It was strange talking about it...the whys. Admitting to Rob that Doug is very much a father figure was...I dunno...I don't think it is a surprise to anyone...but it was still weird really talking about it. Doug was there from my rocky transition into my first youth job, to my relapse, etc. Rob also pointed out just the touch of chiropractic medicine.

So, my goal is to accept the fact that I fear Rob is going to reject me (even though I know in my head he will so NOT) and plow on with my thoughts anyway. He's right...but the thought is so scary. Yet I know if I don't, I will never be "well" enough to leave here and go "home" to So Cal. The ickiness of having to dig does carry a great reward at the end. The thing is, while I also fear leaving Rob someday...I know that he won't be out of my life. It is going to be very different than leaving Greg or when Marc left...I think it will be better.

Then there are issues of why I hold onto ED and the questions Ron brought up and I am guessing as I continue to do some of the work Rob and I have been doing for the last 3-4 months...those questions will be answered.