About Last Night...

You know the feeling you get when you know you are doing what you were made to do? Yeah...it was like that.

It was so "natural," so "I have always been there" to the point that they forgot I didn't know my way around when we played Sardines! This kids acted like I had always been there and it's funny because the "staff" to student ratio is 2 students for every leader. There is Andrew (the intern), Alex and Dave. A & A go to UCSC and Dave is in his 40s maybe? Not sure. He didn't go to Mt. Hermon so I didn't meet him until last night.

I get there and see Kim adn she yells, "Hi, Deneice! How are you?" Yeah...totally normal stuff.

One of the strangest things was on my way home. I mean the night went great, it was fun, in two weeks we are going bowling, etc. But, this urge to go home and cut followed me much of the way home. I really tried to figure out why. I mean that was normally my MO when things didn't go well...as punishment.

Then this thought hit me. It goes back to still NOT knowing who I am outside of YM. All of a sudden I am back in it and my mood goes up a zillion percent from here it has been. This is not a good thing. I mean, the fact my mood has improved is a good thing...the reasons behind it? Not so much.

It's a "Rob Day" so I will bring that up for sure!

My Mother...

So...

We are watching Dr. Phil (yeah, yeah...she likes him) and it’s part two of the “real life desperate housewives” and the women are telling their secrets to their husbands. One woman has been bulimic for about 15 years and purges 1-6 times a day. My mom looks over at me and says, “Eating disorders really are a disease aren’t they?”

I was a good girl and kept my mouth shut. Then she asked me if I still purged and I said no. Didn’t tell her it had only been two months since the last time though!

Then the other thing...I guess she got my computer on Friday when she and my friend Kim went shopping. Now all I hear her complain about is the balance on her credit card. You know what? I never asked for the darn thing...she offered to get me one for Christmas. I am ready to tell her to take it back if it will shut her up.

YIPES!

I'm gonna be a volunteer again!!!!!

I'm home about from our Presby retreat. The speaker STANK big time. But, I figure that's what we get when the speaker is booked 6 weeks before the retreat. I was unamused though. The band, same one we have used for years...was excellent as always!

The Talent Show was a blast and all the other leaders were worried. It was supposed to end at 11:30 and went until almost midnight! I knew what I was doing...I just don't need to run around like a chicken with my head cut-off to do it!

Anyway, as my church did not send kids up...I offered to be the leader for the 1st Presbyterian Church of Santa Cruz girls.

Friday night I asked Andrew (the YP) if I was doing this because his female leader couldn't make it. He said he didn't have one!

He does now! I will be joining him and Alex (other male leader) and helpong with the high school ministry. They are thrilled that I am willing to drive 45 minutes "over the hill" and because Alex has been doing this for 2-3 months and Andrew has been there for about 6-7 months.

Wednesday will be my first night. I didn't tell the girls and not sure if he has yet. We all really clicked well and I am soooo excited!

Off To Mount Hermon!

Packing took precious little time and now I am in the "If I leave now I will have HOURS to kill. But, I can do some touristy stuff as well as just "be."

Rob talked about Henry Nouwen's "In the Name of Jesus" yesterday in our session and darn it...he knows when he does that I have to go out and buy it!

Berean didn't have it...Barnes & Noble did. Small book...but it was $15! Thank goodness for the membership card! Ugh. But, I flipped through and think it will be a good read.

Since I don't have any kids to "worry" about during free time tomorrow...I am going to have a lot of time on my hands to just journal and stuff. This is going to be good.

Yesterday Rob commented on how much my thinking is classic ED thinking (duh!) and I need to find a way to break out of it...not that it will happen right away (although if God wanted to...I would not complain!)...but even if I could chip away at stuff.

Like...why am I afraid of the stuff Ron said being true. I mean I know if I would have said...what don't you like about me...or what are my weaknesses...he would have given them to me in love...but I also know I need no help in that area anyway!

This session with Rob should be interesting. I got some feedback from a former student and from Ron (which almost made me cry) and I think it will give Rob and I a ton to talk about. Then I get to bring Frederick home with me until Monday!

Woo hoo!

I almost blew it last night. In spite of my better judegement I had dinner last night and that made me feel nauseous...and I was almost hoping I would end up being sick...although...WAY GROSS PART COMING UP...it's a lost worse when it's not your choice. When it is your choice, while icky...it's not near as bad.

Anyway...

Above and beyond all that I left yesterday's session not ready to leave. I turned the tears off way too easily and that was probably a mistake. I take all that home and can't do anything about it because homw is not "safe," and I got to the point of wanting to cut. I stayed online for over an hour...but there was no one to talk to...REALLY talk to and so I emailed Rob at least to let him know where my head was at the moment (does he reply??? NOPE...hate when he does that)...and then got off to watch "Family Guy."

I had the "implement" in my hand and debated and debated and debated...and put it aside. Not only did I not want to fill out a Behavior Chain Analysis, but Rob still hasn't decided what he is going to DO about the whole mess. Cutting also would not have solved anything in the long run...not that always stops me. But, I DIDN'T DO IT and that is a good thing.

Update...

Without too much prompting I managed to dive deeper into the whys of all this hurting and my fears, etc. The biggest one being...what if I don't do know how to do this anymore? What happens when Rob tells me I am free to look for a FT ministry position and I get one and I forget how to do all this? Am I slowly losing "it" the longer I am out of YM? This is what I get to ponder between now and Thursday.

I Need Sleep!

This not being able to sleep for two months the entire night is getting old. I can udually deal OK...but it triggered a migraine at church. That would be no biggie...EXCEPT...today was the day we gave Bible to our 4th graders. I did the presentation and asked Steve to pray instead of me and then I toughed it out until the last hymn.

One thing I have realized and I have tried to not let it bother me...until now...is how I am treated post Remuda LIFE. People at church either still consider me part of the church and part of their lives (meaning youth and their parents) or I am now just that person that works with the elementary kids. That was made crystal clear when I didn't get invited to Ben's wedding. It also hurts...a lot...made even more clear by not being invited to the wedding when Ben and Chrissy were so excited to TELL me in the first place!

Oh well...it gives me something to talk to Rob about. Honestly, it hurts way more than I could put in words...but that's what he is there for. Heck...here and in his office are the only places I can even mention something like this!

&%*^%*!!! ^%*%^$%&!!!

Augh....

What am I doing wrong???

I am not neglecting my relationship with God and it has been SO COOL that Rob and I have been taking out his Bible and using it in our sessions lately...although he took the verses he gave me yesterday totally out of context and that drove me batty!

I KNOW there is nothing I can do to earn His love and would fail (and have) miserably.

I KNOW I am so far from perfect it's not even funny...

But I STILL can't get it through my thick skull.

Yesterday he asked me what I got from it.

Nothing...I get that it's a choice but when I let someone down for fail to deliver I think it is totally irresponsible and he doesn't get that is not acceptable. His answer? We are ALL irresponsible from time to time. But, does that mean I shouldn't care when I screw up?

I wake up in the morning and I know it's a choice on how I am going to face the day and I WANT to make it a good one, be able to give myself a break, etc.

But then it just overwhelms me. This deep pit of nothing that just engulfs me and I try not to let it...I try and fight it...but all I want to do is run away and hide or hear Rob say that it is OK I don't have the answer to why I want to cry all the time.

I just don't what to do anymore...

I've held off on behaviors (except restricting) and that had been so very, very hard. I want to take the blade and plunge it into my skin and let the blood flow...I want to take all I am feeling that I can't put words to and takeit out on my body togive me a moment of relief. I should get it OFF my nightstand so I don't see it...I think I keep it there to torture myself.

IDIOT!!!

I simply have no idea what to say today. I hate this...I suppose it will get easier...but right now it feels like I am going to walk in their and fail. I should have cancelled.

All I really want to do is get there, sit on the couch with Frederick and cry. However, that is hard for me to do (unless I was alone) and then Rob would want to know WHY. I don't know WHY...I just know I want to.

After seeing Toni yesterday, I really can't afford to see him today and make it to pay day next week anyway...but it's a little late for that.

I don't know what I am going to do. We are supposed to pick something up today from Monday and I can't remember what.

I just want a big earthquake to come and swallow me up.

Sigh...

4 1/2 hours until I see Rob and have NO CLUE what I want to talk about.

I promised Toni I would bring up the meds...at least before I see her again. But, for the most part, I just want to sit on his couch and bawl and have NO clue why. So, I can't do that because he wants to know WHY...I don't know...there is just this huge well of pain that is becoming overwhelming.

The Book...

I dropped it off today with a note. It was going to drive me nuts between now and Thursday if I hadn't have done that.

Not like it was going out of my way.

Feeling Like I Am on Thin Ice...

Today was the second day of this new arrangement. It is going OK. I am trying to do what he wants and he is trying hard NOT toask me questions to get us started. It is a little uncomfortable...but I have to believe that will change in time.

As we talked yet again about the standards I have for myself it is so hard to admit I WANT perfection even though I am aware I sure as heck am NOT going to achieve it. I still want to give it my best shot...aren't we supposed to try our best? Which them starts the cycle all over again because he says to me, "And what do you consider you best to be?" Grrr...argh...

He had loaned me a book Thursday on some DBT stuff and I promised...P-R-O-M-I-S-E-D I would have it back to him today. I forgot all about it. Not only did I forget it...I left it in my car forgetting I even HAD the book. He asks me about it and I just dissolved into tears.

Part of it was because I forgot the book. I promised him I would bring it back today and I forgot. The other part is I feel like I am on thin ice as it is. One more mistake and I am out.

I think I took him by surprise. I think I took ME surprise. He wouldn't let me cry which is funny because normally he encourages it and askes me if I am being reasonable with myself. I said yes because I was irresponsible. He asked me if it were my book and someone forgot it would I think THEY were irresponsible? Of course not. Yet I feel that way.

We pick it up Thursday.

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What kind of blogger are you?

The Day After...

I walked into Rob's office not quite knowing what to expect...was it going to be like Monday? He had sent me an email on Tuesday night asking for what I had read to him on Monday and making sure I was OK. I emailed him back and said since Thursday was my b-day...I only wanted to talk about sports!

It was okay. I got there and he did let me talk about sports for a bit. We were both excited for the Red Sox! While I am not normally a Bo Sox fan...anyone who beats the Yankees are my "new best friends." The he asked me if I filled out the BCA like he asked and I said yes. I read it and we talked about what stuck out for me.

We talked about me tearing up walking into The Wooden Horse (cool toy store by where my mom works) and then again during one of the video montage's during the World Series.

We talked about my misinterpretation of that verse in Matthew and I told him I still struggle with how do I know what is too high a standard...especially if I don't impose my standards on anyone else? Now the question is what are God's standards? Ugh!

Ick

I'm 35 today...ick!

It Hurts to Breathe

I walk into Rob's office and sit down on the couch...I've gone back to sitting on the couch...not sure why. I pick up Frederick and try to breathe. Rob sits in his leather office chair Indian style and says nothing. No smile, no "well?" and for sure no sports talk. I am anxious to the nth degree...take a deep breath and read what I wrote over the weekend.

He thanked me and then wanted to share a few things with me. He thought about flat out terminating me for "definace." That is a new one. I have never been called defiant...but as I think about it...my actions were defiant. But, he is not going to do that...yet. He's still not quite sure what he is going to do...it may be a three strikes and I'm gone...it may be ALL behaviors at which point Toni is going to have to step in because there is NO way I can just all of a sudden eat three meals a day...but it would probably be "only" the SI and the purging (though it has been weeks since the last time I purged). I can live with that.

There is one thing I just don't think he is hearing me on...there are days it hurts just to wake up and function. There are days that I have not come into the office because I can't handle it. I don't how to make it any clearer than that to him.

I feel so much pressure to try and figure out what I want to talk about on Thursday. That's the new thing...I need to come in with an agenda. I think there is so much...that I can't figure out where to start.

Take 2

Sorry Anna! I tried! I missed not being with my friend Anna sooo much. I was not alone...but it was very strange not to have her with me during "Shine" and "Breakfast!"

Duncan and Jody Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Grrr...

It was hard to get a good picture of Duncan!!!

Duncan and Peter Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Million Pieces

This was a surprise and so very cool!

Million Pieces Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Phil and Jeff

These are Newboys Pix from Great America! Enjoy!

Phil and Jeff Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Sigh...

Contented sigh? Resigned sigh? What the ^#@%^$ am I doing sigh? Probably all three.

Yesterday, my friend Kim and I went to Great America for their Fall Celebration. It was cold, it was rainy...but would not miss the chance to see The Newsboys for anything! They were wonderful and wish they would have played for another hour...at least! I'll try and post pix later if they look OK.

I wish I could say it took my mind of tomorrow and what I feel is almost a waste. I don't know what to say to Rob to show that I AM motivated...just struggling. I guess that's what I need to say.

The Monday I forgot all of the previous Thursday, I ended up calling him later because it all came back to me as the lights were going down at the movies. He never responded. What he told me the next time I saw him was that he almost emailed with this simple sentence: "Do you ever struggle?" That would have driven me nuts...but he has a point. He explained to me that I come through that door and he'd never know what was going inside because I seem so "together" when I walk in. I told him Greg used to tell me the same thing. As I think about it, Marc is probably the only T that has seen me walk in and not be all up and happy.

I think I left my notebook at home and if my mom reads it I will die...literally. How could I be so stupid? I thought I had it with me!

Anyway, even amidst some awesomr worship with the Newsboys...I was close to tears and not feeling alone because God's presence was so there...but feeling apart from it all...like I didn't belong.

I have no clue what to expect tomorrow. I want to be able to read to him all that I am feeling and all that I want and yet am so scared. I know he is not the ONLY therapist in the world...but if this is it...it's over. I won't do this again. I can't. I don't have it in me.

Cut Off...

motivation

n 1: the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior; "we did not understand his motivation"; "he acted with the best of motives" [syn: motive, need] 2: the condition of being motivated; "his motivation was at a high level" 3: the act of motivating; providing incentive [syn: motivating]

I guess I have none. Actually, I think I do...it is just hidden under my mood that has been spiraling down since June. But, Rob has had enough.

I've been engaging in a behavior and, until yesterday, kept it from him. I feel like I "need" it and that he is trying to take it away and so I have kept quiet for the past week. He finally asked me point blank (because he forgot to Monday) and I couldn't lie. So I told him...all of it. Well...except the part about me doing it so I don't feel totally dead inside...but that will come on Monday.

He was understandably angry and part of me is thinking, "FINALLY! He is coming right out with how much I am frustrating him." Of course, I wasn't counting on him telling me no phone calls or email...no contact until I see him on Monday and tell him "where I am at."

So, I am working on it. I am writing whenever thoughts come to me...even if they don't totally answer the question or are just huge tangents.

Maybe it's not worth it...I'm not worth it...maybe I should have just quietly exited last year...

Have I Mentioned I Love Rob??

I'd love him more if he gave me a price break...but the man has to make a living! :)

Seriously though, Friday all day was bad, bad, bad. My mom and her constant negativity just finally got to me and I left the house in tears to goto the store. I called Rob from the store and told him I was notdoing well, the ED voice would NOT shut up and I couldn't take much more. He called me back (once while I was still gone) and I went in for an extra session at 6.

It's not even that he said was a ton of help. Some of it is confusing. However, in those moments, what I really needed was just to be in the ONLY real safe place in my life, be able to snuggle with Frederick and just listen to him talk me down. What was said was good stuff...but paled in comparison to feeling safe for that hour.

One thing that he said on Monday and I talked about both Thursday and Friday is that therapy has been so inconsistent since I really started this journey five years ago (and have have the ED for almost 15 years now). There was Marc...he left...I saw Linda until I went to Remuda and thereI had Lauren and then Kelvey Ann at LIFE. I came home and went back to Linda...ick! Tried someone else...she didn't work and then there was Greg. He was great. Then I moved to Indiana and the was Dave the Terrible followed by my move back here and David the Worse. Then there was Rob, a 60 day trip back to Remuda with Betsy AND Darcy and back to Rob.

As he put it...my brain must be in knots trying to figure it all out. What I am trying to do is take the good (Marc, Lauren, Greg and Rob) and filter out that which was harmful. I think a GOOD thing is I no longer feel guilty for saying, "Greg said that" or "Lauren and I talked about that as well." Rob has never had a problem with it...it was all me...but I now realizeit helps him see what does work.

So, while I am still on edge...he calmed me down a little, was late going home (thank you Mrs. Rob) and gave me good stuff to ponder this weekend.

I also LOVED being there in the evening. His shades were totally drawn, soft light (he never uses the overheads) and his little desk waterfall thingie was going. It helped relax me a lot. I like his office in the fall/winter! Seems a bit more cozy!

I Dunno...

Yesterday was another day I couldn't do it. I could not come in. This is NOT a good thing. I am here today though.

I went and paid my car insurance, got a haircut and went to the library before I saw Rob. Because the $$$ is so, so, so tight right now...I should have cancelled. By and large it was a very hard yet very good session...but I came out of it so hurt and confused that I really don't want to go back.

It would be so easy. Because of the $$ situation I already had to cancel my dieitian and it could be so easy to just fade out of the radar with Rob. I know this is coming from some anger and because I am hurt...but I don't deserve to go back.

We came to a point where I have realized that my standards are impossibly high and how I have made them higher than what God expects from me (which confuses me...but whatever...doesn't He ask for perfection...even if we blow it?). I felt dumb...really dumb and kind of got quiet and was already pretty teary. Rob asked me if this was something I wanted to work on and I said yes...but my voice was so quiet. The next thing I know he says something about me not sounding very motivated to do it. I don't know why he said that. I was quiet when I answered...I was overhwlemed because it seems like the list we have to work on is endless...and he said that and I was already feeling stupid and the tears started again.

For Rob the words came out before he could stop them. He knew what would happen as soon as they came out of his mouth and could tell by my face. He asked me why I was crying and tried the "I don't know" and Rob didn't buy it...of course. He asked me if it was because he hurt me and I nodded yes. Rob asked me if I could tell him that and I couldn't. He wants to know from me...even when he can see my reactions...but he acknowledged that I have never had the freedom to do that in the past.

I just feel like I am a failure in therapy and for the first time he didn't really deny it. He gave me some definition for failure that I can't recall.

I know he doesn't get it right now because I haven't told him I haven't been in the office two days this week. I don't even know why he'd need to know. To me, it seems like total laziness on my part...suck it up and do my job...

Another reaction is to bake him something for being such a huge disappointment, but I think he would know that is why I did it so I will try and be "good" and not try and make it all up to him by baking.

I feel dumb because it was drilled into my head...no one can "make" us do anything...we have a choice. But as the words came out his mouth it didn't feel like I chose to feel hurt by what he said. So, he had nothing to be sorry for.

I wish...well...I can't say what I wish...

I Dunno...

Today was one of those days where I could not force myself to get up and go to work. I couldn't do it. I tried...but it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't one of those "mental health" days where I dosomething fun or relaxing...it was me on the couch on the verge of tears over who knows what...wanting to call Rob and yet not knowing what to say.

Yesterday he asked me about my thoughts from Thursday and I totally blanked out. I literally couldn't remember Thursday at all. That went over like a lead balloon and the session left me feeling like a total failure. I didn't dare cry because I was afraid he would think they weren't real. I went to a movie afterward and as the previews started...it came back to me.

I am such a screw up!

I Want God to Open Up a Hole and TAKE Me!

AAAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

I wish I had never been born. I wish I knew what God was thinking when He put me in this family because I can't figure it out to save my life.

Today's marginally OK dinner for my grandfather became a fight over my soon to be 35th B-day and where we are going to dinner. I don't get a chance to vote. I don't get to decide, I don't get a say at all. I was really hoping I could have a nice 35th B-day cuz that is one of those kinda milestoney type years...but it is going to be hell. My grandmother said she would give my mom $$ and she and i could go to one place and my g'ma and g'pa wouldgo where we went today.

I want to forget the day exists, I would for ONCE like for them to ask me what I might want to do...I'd like to take it all out of their hands and disappear for that weekend...but what little extra $$ I had has had to go for therapy.

I thought I was doing better...but I am such at the breaking point!

Just Track with Me...

BUFFY: Because? okay. I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm going to turn out to be. I make it through this and the next thing and the next thing and maybe one day I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m? (covers) or enjoy warm, delicious cookie-me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done.

I love Buffy and have always been fond of this quote...okay...it's from the last episode so it hasn't been years and years of fondness...but it made so much sense to me then and it does now as well.

Yesterday as Rob and I were talking, I was very aware of what my brain was doing...it was twisting Rob's words around and making them negative. It came down to me telling myself that anything good I do I do for the wrong reasons even if I don't think they are wrong. We were talking about motive and expectations of the good things we do. I guess the one thing I am having a really hard time getting my head around and need to email him about is that there is a motive and expectation is all that we do. I guess most of the time it is subconscious, but I never think of it in terms of what I'll get.

All this to say...Rob was very excited I was able to sit there in our session and realize what my head was doing and that I could stop and look at it. It reminded me of the quote from "Buffy." I think that is so true of all of us. I still have no clue who I am outside of the ED. I still want my mom's love and approval to MY satisfaction...having a hard time STILL accepting that she can only give so much. I want it to really sink in the ONLY acceptance I need is from God.

I am still cookie dough.

Oriental Trading Company and Other "Stuff"

So, I order some dog tags from OTC for the giveaways for October. Shipping cost more than the items! How lame is that?? Oh well...they will appeal to both the boys and girls and that is the important thing!

I need to go look at Bibles at Berean. We need to make sure the kids have them this month. I have not been able to find the 4-5 I need and I may have to order them elsewhere. I don't have the $$ to do it...but such is ministry!

Other than that things are kinda "eh." Not really looking forward to seeing Rob. I know I keep saying it...but it's not him as much as I am sick of feeling feelings in there with him. He made the comment Monday about being vulnerable is scary and I said yes. he allowed me to sit there for a few more minutes so I could walk out of his office in OK shape. He gaveme the usual big bear hug before I left. There are days I just like it and other days where it's like Jesus giving me a hug through Rob...it's weird and hard to explain but some hugs seem more "special."

As we go through what I sent him paragraph by paragraph it is going to be hard work. I do not shy away from hard work as a rule...but it is so emotionally drianing. I went home and ended up taking an early evening nap on Monday I was so exhausted.

I keep asking myself why the past few years have been such a struggle and why I can't get it together. One thing I have realized is that I did not expect to be alive this long. I was all set to be dead at 30. I am not. Don't think it's going to be happening quite yet. I don't know what to DO with that.

I ask myself if losing Rob is why I cling to ED. I don't think so. I may have not been entirely honest with behaviors...but I have not stayed "sick" to keep him. I know when the day comes I will be sad...BUT...I think he will allow limited contact. Greg allowed it and after my letter April 2003...I haven't written him. But, I am still a little ways from having to worry about it. So, I try to put it aside along with my fear that he's going to leave...or I will.

Exhausted

Today was just as hard as I thought. I emailed Rob some stuff Friday that I knew I would have to read out loud today. I know that is the deal...but I balked at it anyway.

So, I read it. I prefer it ONLY because he reads it so monotone that it drives me nuts! Then, of course, when we go to discuss it he re-reads it! Grrrr...

We seem to be going through it paragraph by paragraph and sentence by sentence. I see myself becoming very frustrated because wanting to change does not mean I make up my mind to stop trying to please everyone...in finding the "whys" change will come. Bah! I get it...but I hate it. I have NO patience with myself!

Deep, Dark, Black Hole...

I am not sure where I am going with this. I consciously do not feel like I wake up and choose to hate myself, to feel unloveable, etc. I feel like I wake up and there it is.

Yesterday was a really lousy session. He told me I wasn't trying to change, that I am continuing to choose to believe lies (does he NOT get that I have no idea what is the truth?) and it finally got to a point where I am sitting on the floor on one end of the couch clutching Frederick and he is on the floor on the other side his body turned away from me and totally exasperated.

Once I found some words again and he started giving feedback...it got better, but I am so confused. He told me he thinks that I am trying to make a huge switch from being all bad to being all good. I told him for the zillionth time that I know I can't be all good. I am beginning to think he doesn't think I truly believe it.

What I am beginning to understand is that God given, people given...whatever...I am having a very, very, VERY difficult time accepting that there is any good there. Yes...in my saner moments I know that there has to be otherwise I'd be totally alone...but I still can't get my head around that my family would PURPOSELY lie to me. Rob keeps reminding me that it shows how sick they were/are...I still have my doubts.

I am not looking forward to Monday. Right now I don't care if he says that he isn't mad at me...that he is acting like a coach trying to push me to the next level...he was mad at me yesterday...he was frustrated and had no patience with me and that's OK if he tells me that...but he didn't and I bet that means he had another run-in with the same person who put him in a "mood" the last time this happened.

My Uncle is an Idiot!

Yesterday my g'ma informed me that the man who molested me is going to go visit my Uncle Mike in a couple weeks. She didn't know NOT to tell me because she is unaware of the abuse.

I had actually managed to block out his whole name until yesterday. I had given him another last name. Hearing brought back his name and his face to me. I had blocked that out as well.

My aunt and uncle know full well what happened...I wrote them myself. I cannot believe they are allowing him into their lives again. I have forgiven him...I really have...but forgiveness doesn't always mean welcoming someone back into your life. I guess it does for my family and I thank God they are far away in WA. I would be more upset if this was actually happening here.

Lies, Lies and More Lies!

I am really trying to figure out truth from lies. Not that I think Rob would lie to me. Not sure he gets what my reality really and truly is like. I think he knows...but then it appears as if he doesn't.

I really feel like I am living two separate lives. There is my internal world...the one full of the "bad stuff" I think about me, what has been said about me, etc. Certain people see it...but for the most part even they don't see how deep it goes. Rob describes me as a deep well all the time and in some respects he is correct. This is the part that doesn't believe, whether in anger or drunkenness, that what has been said about her could possibly be lies. Why would adults say that sort of stuff to a kid if it wasn't true?

Then there is the part that most people see. The part who appears to have it fairly together...can laugh, joke and have fun. Can be Ms. Supportive and Helpful because that is who God has wired her to be. The part that feels productive and tries to work hard and make others happy.

There are times I feel like that part is going to swallowed whole by the other part. My ruse will be discovered. The truth of what a dirty, rotten, disgusting, unloveable thing I am will finally come out to all. I can't cut it out, I can't purge or starve it out...it is going to take over unless I can stop it.

I Honor Your Tears...

Just when I think Rob cannot say anything else or do anything else that would cause me to trust him more...he does.

Yesterday was...well...weird. I sat down and grabbed Frederick off the couch. Took the throw off the other couch and wrapped around my feet and we talked sports a minute. We then moved to a VM I left him. I forgot about it. Once he started to talk about it it dawned on me and we talked stuff out. It was good.

Then I sat there and debated where to go next. Do I read stuff from the kinda journal I keep that brings up a ton of shame and embrassment or do I take out the body image yarn that Betsy had me do at LIFE and explain to him that I can't accept my body where it is out because what I see is so distorted! The yarn won out. We talked about it...still doesn't think he quite gets it. Then there was silence.

I wasn't ready to read it. The rest of it is no problem...but there is a paragraph in there that I can't bear to read. The deal is either I read stuff out loud or he does. I was hoping this ONE time he would just read it and let us go on from there...no such luck.

So, I went to a different place. I told him that Thursday, when we said I looked relieved after doing some more crying, I thought about it a lot. I realized over the weekend that those tears on Thursday was the FIRST time I had ever cried about the molestation. I never had before. Kinda weird...I think. I think I stunned him a little. He knows I hate to cry and that I think it shows weakness...but considering that was 22 years ago...I think he was shocked it took that long for it to happen.

I think he figured that whatever I have to read would bring the tears. He looked at me and told me that he needs me to know that he honors my tears more than I can ever know and that he wanst the same for me. He told me it was OK that I couldn't read and that we'll try again Thursday if I am ready for it. He wanted me to leave there and be OK with not reading it.

I have probably cried more in there in the past three weeks than I have in the almost two years that I have been seeing him. I still hate it...I still hate me when I allow it to happen...but I am trying to let Rob's words sink in.

Back to 12...

I would have to say I have felt very fortunate that my flashbacks are few and far between. In fact, it has been almost a year since I have had one. Then came yesterday.

Yesterday I was expecting to go in and talk about what Rob and I had started about my family and the alcoholism and all that "good stuff." But that didn't happen. We ended up talking food and my dislike for it and the whys which then took us to how much I hate my body. He was trying to help me break out of the "hate cycle" I have with it. Usually...he gets it. This time...he is a little off. Anyway, as much as I trust him...body image is a very hard thing to talk about with him . I usually leave that for Toni.

So, there I am feeling really icky and tearing up (jerk!) and boom! back in the garage, I was 12 and for the first time in a very, very long time I felt it all come rushing back...it lasted for hours which was unamusing. The last time we talked about it I remember I probably was feeling emotions about it more than the physical aspects of it...not this time. This time is was every grope on my breasts, his tongue...well...anyway...I am "happy"it happened in Rob's office. I wasn't alone and he was able to help catch my breath and 1/2 compose myself before walking out the door.

To me, it is NO big revelation that it was at that moment that the hatred of my body was "set in stone." I can even see the issues surrounding it. I think what I need to try and make Rob and Toni and everyone understand that it is just not the physical for me. I mean, with the PCOS I know it is an uphill battle weight-wise without ED. I do know that and somedays can even really and truly accept it. The main goal for me is to be healthy. I also know that with almost 15 years of ED my metabolism is in the cellar and restriting doesn't help. I also know that what I do see in the mirror is still not accurate. I still see myself a lot bigger than I am. I pulled out my body image yarn from Remuda to make sure! I can still sit in my "stomach."

The hatred goes way beyond what I see in the mirror. Maybe even I didn't get that until yesterday.

Behavior Chain Analysis

Label the Problem Behavior
Describe it in enough detail that an actor in a play or movie could recreate the behavior exactly. describe exactly what you did, said, thought and felt and the intensity surrounding the problem behavior.

BAH!

I hate food. I hate that I have to eat. I hate that if I don't I eventually get relly dizzy and feel ooky. I hate that when I try to eat moe than what has been the norm a couple things come into play:

• my stomach empties slow and after major restricting and/or purging any attempt to eat "normally" results in feeling like a stuffed whale
• the feeling from the above makes me want to get rid of it instead of sit with it, deal with it and allow it to stay in my body

Toni said one of my biggest problems is that I don't enjoy food and I need to learn to do that again. She's right. I do NOT enjoy food. I look upon it as a necessary evil and while I don't even see it as that necessary...I am in a small majority. I try to enjoy food...but it seems wrong and gross and latel even certain textures no longer appeal to me.

But, I also see the stupidity of continued restricting because of how food feels in my body when I do eat. Guess what? It does NOT get better by not eating. Eventually, I need to start doing the whole refeeding thing. For me that means trying to eat at least 2x a day and then really work on making those "eating episodes" meals and full meals at that.

The thought once again scares me to death....

Long Time...No Blog!

I hate feeling. I know it supposed to be a GOOD thing...but I hate it! Rob, of course, is thrilled with what has been going on in therapy...bully for him!

Not sure what happened last Thursday. I was struggling with something and while he says he was playing coach...it sounded like he was really sick of me and frustrated. Whatever the cause...all of a sudden I popped out with stuff that I didn't plan on. It wasn't bad nor anything I was hiding...just didn't expect the words to come out of my mouth. It was all about not wanting to feel because people won't like me if they knew what I was really feeling at times. Where did I get a boneheaded idea like that? From a couple isolated cases that I thought I was cool with and I guess I was not.

Then there is all that I am feeling about sharing more family stuff. I can't even remember what I told Rob on Monday. It had to do with my grandmother and alcohol and I can't even begin to remember. Oh...I do now. The one time I chose to get out of the house and take care of ME in a bad situation...my mom made me come home. I had nver told anyone the whole story in years if ever...it was weird sharing that with him.

Through all of this gunk...behaviors are getting worse...but filling out a behavior chain analysis helps a bit. At the very least, getting a narrative on paper gives Rob and I a starting off point to dig a little.

Anyway, I know this makes little sense. I am still trying to make sense of it myself.

Ugh...

Summer has finally decided to come to California. It can go right back. It was 90 in out house at about 5 PM yesterday...it was also 90 at about 10 PM when I tried to go to bed. This really needs to stop...NOW!

So, Rob finally said what we all know. There is no way I will ever ger truly healthy living in my house. I think hearing him really say it for the first time was a bit startling. I have said it, some of you have said it...but to hear him say it...whoa. Of course then comes thr problem of finding someplace to live and trying to tell my mom why I am leaving. HA! That is a joke. She won't get it and I know it should not matter and yet it does...very much.

I have to think about this a lot.

Yesterday, against my better judgement, I spent the better part of my whole session in tears. I blame it on the fact I had maybe two hours of sleep the night before and no sleep always makes me a little vulnerable. Rob, for his part, was "thrilled" to say the least. Actually his words were "I am so proud of you."

I thought the interesting thing was the reason the tears started and what came out of that (the true reason) floored me. I had to fill out a BCA because of the SI and purging. I was having a very hard time with it and when I manged to get the narrative part done it was basically I miss the uncondiational love I had for a whole week while I was"home" and wanted to numb the sdness I have been feeling since coming back to San Jose. Turned out that really wasn't it.

Let me say I do not blame my mother for anything...the verbal and physical abuse...the continued verbal abuse from time to time, etc....but it all came down to it being "all about her." One good thing that came out of that is when I usually manage to really talk about mom stuff...I leave feeling like I totally betrayed her and more insanity ensues. This time I did not.

Yesterday we talked about how eventually I need to be back in "The OC," but no time soon. Rob also assured me that my mother is the psycho (his words...he knows her, has met her and has had a session with her...so he knows) not me and that someone needs to put her in her place. Okay...whatever. I come home and relax a bit because I am so tired from the no sleep. She comes home and everything Rob said went out the window.

I got yelled at for the gate being open. Ummm...it was closed. My grandpa must have opened it and forgot about the dog. So, I get called stupid and irresponsible and all those lovely things that I figure must be true.

Two hysterical calls later...Rob calls me before he leaves for the night. I had told him that there has got to be something defective about ME for her to do this. Something that allows me to fool all y'all and everyone else in my life...but that she sees and reacts to. He made me sit there and listen to him over and over say that it isn't true.

"The morning after" and I am still pretty emotional. I think would be in a really bad spot if he was taking Monday off. He will be there as usual. This really surprised me because Labor Day is usually the only 3 day holiday he takes off...but I am grateful!

I guess I just need prayers for strength to get through the next few days. My focus at work is hot and we have our Kick Off Sunday...I need to be up...WAY up! I also think the low level depressive episode I have been experiencing since June has just blown up a bit...most likely heightened by not enough food and sleep.

Thanks guys! I just feel like I am at my wits' end today!

"We're Painting the Roses Red."

Not this time! The deck of cards is getting Sleeping Beauty's castle ready for Disneyland's 50th Anniversary. While the date is July 17, 2005, D-land will kick off the celebration in May. Revamped Space Mountain, Tiki Room, refurbishment galore, etc.

Photo Library - 711 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

"We're Painting the Roses Red."

Not this time! The deck of cards is getting Sleeping Beauty's castle ready for Disneyland's 50th Anniversary. While the date is July 17, 2005, D-land will kick off the celebration in May. Revamped Space Mountain, Tiki Room, refurbishment galore, etc.

Photo Library - 711 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Another View

This is a view of DCA taken from the opposite side of the water that divides parts of the park.

Photo Library - 679 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

California Screaming

This is where they are "launched" to begin the ride and where "screaming" comes from! The force pretty much causes you to let a scream out no matter what! My only problem with this single loop coaster is that it is NOT authentic to beack boardwalk coasters in CA!

Photo Library - 682 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Anna and EG

This is from the wedding (obviously!). I wish my picture of Ramon (who sang while they lit the unity candle) had turned out. I didn't want to use my flash!

Photo Library - 704 Originally uploaded by Deneice.

I Hate Me...

Last night...when I finally decided to eat something and then chose to get rid of it...it was a weird thought process. I decided that by NOT eating that I was only hurting myself...then I realized I didn't care and I WANTED to hurt myself. The reasons why I am still trying to figure out...but I know some triggers that may have contriubuted to all of it.

I did email Rob and Toni and told them about wanting to hurt myself by purging and will see Rob Thursday and have another week untiI see Toni which stinks...and I am really afraid to face Rob because I need to be able to tell him ALL of it. That is not the worst part. The worst part is he will not yell, he will not hit me, he will not reject me and I really can't take that.

Ugh...

My mother is playing Food Police and it is driving me nuts! Granted, the only thing I have had to eat today is a jupiter peach...but she doesn't know that! :) She just asked me what I was having for dinner! It is 4:45 PM. A bit early for that!

Today I lied to Rob yet again. I have purged (once) and cut (a couple times) since the last time he asked. The purging was the first time in months and did nothing for me...except the feeling of "control," yet I am really not driven to do it again.

He noticed the cuts and I told him that they were the old ones from the last time I did cut (the one I told him about it). He didn't say he didn't believe me...but for the first time I felt myself blush as I denied all of it. I am so bad.

Six Degrees of Separation

It turns out that Rob and Ron were indeed at APU together. That is so funny! I guess it shouldn't shock me all that much. People in my life seem to end up connected through other sources. Ramon, for instance, is a therapist at the Center for Individual and Family Therapy. He works out of both the Orange and Mission Viejo offices. I saw Ts at both places and for a little while, Greg's wife Kendra supervised Ramon. I really like the connections.

Yesterday Rob decided that "fluff time" was over and he jumped right back to where we left off like 6 weeks ago. He pulled out the email I sent him that brought on the last Saturday session. I thought we dealt with it. Guess not. So, we talked about my fear of rejection among other things.

We talked about my crying or lack thereof. I hate to cry. It doesn't solve anything (Rob: "Why does it have to solve anything?"), I hate looking weak, and the biggie...I have been hot for crying in the past. I NEVER said that out loud until yesterday. He isn't shocked by much in my life anymore...but that did shock him a little. It's been on my mind when this topic has come up before, but I have always stopped short of saying it. Still protecting my mom.

I told him last Friday (oh my gosh...has it been a week already????) Dr. D saw me cry because I cried when I said goodbye to him. I told him I thought it was weird because I didn't cry as I left my other friends but as soon as I stepped foot in the office the tears welled up. It was strange talking about it...the whys. Admitting to Rob that Doug is very much a father figure was...I dunno...I don't think it is a surprise to anyone...but it was still weird really talking about it. Doug was there from my rocky transition into my first youth job, to my relapse, etc. Rob also pointed out just the touch of chiropractic medicine.

So, my goal is to accept the fact that I fear Rob is going to reject me (even though I know in my head he will so NOT) and plow on with my thoughts anyway. He's right...but the thought is so scary. Yet I know if I don't, I will never be "well" enough to leave here and go "home" to So Cal. The ickiness of having to dig does carry a great reward at the end. The thing is, while I also fear leaving Rob someday...I know that he won't be out of my life. It is going to be very different than leaving Greg or when Marc left...I think it will be better.

Then there are issues of why I hold onto ED and the questions Ron brought up and I am guessing as I continue to do some of the work Rob and I have been doing for the last 3-4 months...those questions will be answered.

Homesick

So, I am back here and back in the office. It's OK. This week is pretty low key and I have time to put my plans down and think about them and all that fun stuff. There is a possibility we could partner with YFC for a Kids' Club and that would be fun! It is just finding the team that will commit for the school year.

Monday I told Rob as I walked out the door that I didn't purge once while I was gone. He told me how proud he was of me. I really had almost "planned" to do it last week. I had total privacy and could "get away" with it. I mean I would have had to fess up to him and Toni, but I could have done it. Beneath all the sadness about being "home"and having to come back here was contentment.

I think the one thing that struck me about my friends is the absolute unconditional love I get from them as opposed to being home where it feels very conditional. Not that I think I even deserve it from them...but they love me ANYWAY. With them it was like no time had passed. I mean there was playing catch up and all...but the connection was there and as strong as ever.

A friend pointed out to me that living with my mother is like living with/on teflon. I shared that with another friend last night and she agreed. I know I need out...but not to a point where I'd lose Rob or Toni. She's been OK this week...but it is living with the uncertainty from day to day that drives me batty!

So much to think about, pray about, seek God about.

I still need to think about Ron's questions and the answers to those questions. The one thing I cannot do is run. I want to stay in therapy with Rob until the end. If I knew Greg would take me back that could make a difference...but I am different than I was when I left So Cal and we may not connect like we had in the past.

I know there are no easy answers and right now that is actually OK. We'll see how long it lasts!

DCA

This is one view of Disney's California Adventure from the Paradise Pier area of the park. One of my favorite views!

DCA Originally uploaded by Deneice.

TowerofTerror

This ride is absolutely incredible! I went on it 4 times a day in my three days I sept at D-land/DCA. It is so much fun!

TowerofTerror Originally uploaded by Deneice.

Back to the Grind...

So, here I am...back in the office. I went through my mail, looked at the Vision Team's first report (and considering what I have been told I need to do...there was a lot of favorable comments about some stuff I have in place) and wrote out the vision for Children's Ministry that God popped into my head the day left for So Cal. Time goes by so fast! This time last week I was in Doug's office waiting to get adjusted!

I asked Rachel to leave me a check list of what was done and she didn't do it. I am really annoyed at that because I am not sure what I have to do as far as teachers and stuff for next month. Grrr...argh...

Looking at my document I feel good about it. There is still some of the "hows"and "how much" and "who"to figure out...but with 7 weeks left to prove my worth in this job, I am happy with the beginning.

However, I still have Ron's questions in my head that I need to think about and get on paperand share with Rob. Is paid ministry alwaya going to be toxic for me and why hasit been that way? Am I better off as a volunteer? Was I way off in hearing God 7 years ago? I don't think so. I think I get the job and "make" it toxic because what I think it means to be in paid ministry. So much to consider!

I could work for Murphy tomorrow. I have a place to go if this does not work out. That helps a lot and really takes the pressure off what I am doing here...well...takes the fear away.

I'm Baaaaack!

I am exhausted. Will update later...have an entry to cut and paste from the week. need to find it!

Wrote this Thursday...

To Be Known...

As much as I want and crave it, I am also very afraid of it. Yet, as I sit here in my hotel and watch the fireworks from Disneyland (and a pretty good view of them at that), I would be lying if I said that there weren't people in my life that do know me...almost without me knowing it. Today I saw Doug for the next to last time. At some point today I ended up with a headache. I ate so it wasn't that! In fact, I was trying to decide where, what and IF and thought it would be best if I did not choose a place where I had bought food, ate it and then promptly went home and got rid of said food. Guess what? Very few places qualify. I ended up at Red Robin and was OK. If I binged I could see this being more "traumatic," but it was still jarring. Anyway, I told Doug that this is getting harder and harder for me. He understood why...he said it the day before. This is different than a normal vacation because it is a "home vacation." The man has always been determined to help me/make me/force me kicking and screaming to see what he and just about everyone else in my life sees vs. what I see. So, he is adjusting me and we are talking and he reminds me that while being here is hard and leaving even harder...that I have brought joy to his office this week (I have really clicked with the new office staff) and is glad he has one day more with me. I said something like "and I have a headache." He tells me he could tell as he was doing my adjustment and fixed it and it should go away within a couple hours. I don't know why I doubt that from time to time...they do always go away! He said by tomorrow I would be where I was when I last saw him 20 months ago!

I think even my SP knows me better than I think. I think he knew that his memo right before I left would shake me. I got an email from him telling me of a cool possibility, but he also apologized if the memo sounded heavy handed. As it turns out, there have been some problems with other staff not being clear/on the same page after some discussions. He wants to make sure it is writing so we are clear. I can't fault him for that and yet that has NEVER been an issue between the two of us. I do find it interesting he realized how I might feel. As much as I protest people knowing me too well...I want to be here in "The OC" where I have people in my life who do just that. It did a ton for me when I came back from Remuda the first time. The support, the people who can say the stuff I don't always want to hear but have EARNED that right in my life and even though lives are changing and "stuff," the friendships remain intact. It's not easy to find these people in San Jose.

Quite frankly...everyone believes I went away for 60 days and all is well. It makes it that much harder and it feels as if I need to be "on" 24/7. I know it is easy to romanticize my life here before the move to Indiana and the relapse, but I also know for a fact I was much happier then than I am now. I know that it was easier to out into practice what Greg and I did in therapy vs. what Rob and I are doing. It's very much the same work, but I am fighting it tooth and nail because what happens there does not translate into the rest of my life. I take that back. It doesn't translate into the rest of my "real time" life. While I love all my friends that are on the Forum or that I have met through other venues...to say it is not enough is NOT true. That demeans these relationships and I know I'd be dead without them. Unfortunately I am unable to call them up to get me out of the house and there are times when I long for face to face rather than IM or even a phone call.

I bring certain destructive stuff with me when I go away. Not so much for me as to keep them away from my mother snooping to find them. I usually toss them in a drawer and leave them there until I leave. Tonight I brought them outfor the count. I emailed Rob earlier and told him I didn't want to leave here...EVER. I am on the 4th floor and wonder if my window opens. Dumb thoughts that I have no intention of carrying out, but they still float around my head. Part of me wants to take all my meds (except the Ambien...not enough to hurt me but if I need help sleeping I would have something) and give them to Doug. Several years ago when "Choose Life" was a popular CCM song, I bought the CD and it came with a bonus CD of the song. I gave it to Doug because he used to drill that song in my head all the time. He told me yesterday that he still has it. I won't do it though because they are like a "safety net" for me. If I have him get rid of them (as he has with diuretics and diet pills in the past) then that is gone and I really am not ready for that.

There's No Place Like Home!

Despite the traffic and all that can drive me nuts about the OC...I am "home." I have not been this happy or relaxed in a very long time!

I am trying to remember that when my friends tell me I look "good" and "healthy" they do not mean "My, what a beached whale you have turned into." But, it is really a fight to keep that all at bay. Then I have to remember that the people who have said that tome have seen me at my absolute worst/sickest and so it is very different coming from them. Especially my chiropractor. He has seen me at the absolute worst and for him to say that...I know it is a GOOD thing.

After I did preliminary check in stuff here at this hotel...I had a ton o' time to kill so I went and saw friends and made the mistake of going to The Block (an outdoor mall) and going into American Eagle.

Today, I went to see my chiropractor and he "fixed" my knee that has been bothering me since PYT and then I had lunch with my mentor. It was sooo good. He said an thing I need to remmeber and figure out...what about paid ministry makes it "toxic" for me? That was good. I need to think about that and he shared his thoughts. We are pretty sure he and his ex-wife (looong story...) went to APU with Rob! Small World!

Speaking of which...wend to D-land and CA (mis)Adventure. Not too crowded. Went on the new Tower of Terror 2x in 20 minutes and through the "magic" of single riders...bypassed the 95 minute Splash Mountain line and got right on!

Leaving for Mission Viejo soon to spend time and have dinner with Anna and meet EG before the wedding!

Tomorrow more Disney and Crystal Cathedral friends and Thursday YS! Busy, busy, busy!

Day One...

I am here. Good 'ol So Cal! And sadly...I have been awake for hours! I could head to D-land right now...but I think I will wait for evening. I may even just go to CA (mis) Adventure. I can go and see Dr. D at 11:30 and can check into my other hotel for the week after 3...I may try and push that a little.

But, I can go to Main Place, the two story Barnes & Noble, go to Newport Beach should I so desire...lots to do here! But, knowing me...I will end up at Downtown Disney at the very least!

As far as the job thing goes...God IS good. As I sat there yesterday waiting for the kids to get upstairs for Children's Church and was a bit in shock over the memo and the deadline...some ideas just "came" to me. Ideas that I can prsent when I go back that shows that I AM thinking of all this. I will say I wish I hadn't seen the memo. I KNEW all this (see other entries) but to see the deadline looming and in black and white...that is a bit unsettling.

We have a CE building that, as my SP put it, was built then largely ignored. I have free reign to change the name of our Workshop Rotation ( I really dislike our current "Biblemaniacs" I inherited) and things like that.

My plan is to change the entire outside of the building with pain and plywood cut outs that can be attached to the walls and decorated for Christmas, the seasons, etc. It would be called "The Neighborhood" and each workshop would be a "business" in that neighborhood. From Aunt Martha's Kozy Kitchen to The Westmintster Playhouse...each workshop and classroom (toddlers/Nursery) would be themed.

I want parents and kids to see it as a fun and safe place. Fun for the kids, safe for the parents and whilesome of that is there...a facelift wouldonly enhance all that.

The fact still remains that pretty much every school aged kid in our church IS involved with CM. If they are not there for Children's Church (held during the SS hour) they are for Biblemaniacs (they are excused after the Children's Message). But, what are we doing as a a church to bring people TO the church? Not a whole lot. We do servant ebangelism which is AWESOME, but for all the raking, laundry and trash we dump...no one ever comes to check us out. I pray that a seed has been planted and that they DO check out a church period and what it means to have a relationship with Christ.

The bounce house I need to get for our Kick Off is NOT going to bring new kids into our programs. I think I am the only one who realizes that.

For the families that do check us out...I have made contact right away and make sure they are on the mailing list, etc. I have asked a parent to take that over...but still waiting for a reply.

I have a plan to make teaching workshop rotation better and give themmore ownership. Why he added that when we talked about it is beyond me. The again...he thought the leadership team had only meant once and we have been metting for almost 6 months. Which is funny because I TALK about the meeitngs is STAFF meeting.

All I can do is use the gifts God has given me and if he doesn't like it...then I guess I'll be unemployed!

UPDATE

I have until mid-October to improve and grow the Children's Ministry or I am out.

Home...

Tomorrow I leave for "home." So Cal still feels like home...even though I grew up here. Anxiety has given way to excitement and while I can't forget what is happening here...I need to try and put it aside as much as possible next week. I know me...I can let it cloud everything and I am going to try and NOT let that happen.

As Rob was giving me my hug goodbye he said something about my SP not realizing the gem hehad and he'd better before he loses me. That was incredibly sweet and really what I needed to keep me from being mush and self-destructive last night.

So much to process. So much to think about.

Prayer Request

Prayer Request:

I had another meeting today with my SP. I wasn't quite expecting it. He is upset because there have been no changes since our last meeting. I was gone for a week he was gone for 2...and my team members have been gone as well.

Anyway...if he doesn't see changes I am out. I don't know where he got the idea my team had only met once...but that was a shock when he told me that. I am ONE person working PT and all my energy ends up going to programming. I do have some stuff in place...almost in place...that is going to alleviate it...but it takes time.

I told him where I was headed and he LOVED it...it is now just a matter of making it reality. It's going to take $$ to make some of this happen and we have none. I am over-budget because I actually had to buy new supplies. But, I know things can happen anyway!

I am numb and at a loss and just wanna give everything up and...ugh...I know I'll get over it! Just really hurting right now.

The Countdown Begins...

I leave in three days! I am ready to leave now. Actually, I amnot because I have a zillion things to do before I leave and on which cannot be done because the curriculum CD does not work on Macs! And, the one PC we have here does not seem to be working, Which means I go to Kinko's and have to get reimbursed! I actually hope we have NO kids for today's event! This would allow me to go to Kinko's and get September and october done. The one problem is they charge so much for printing a page. I may have my intern do it for me at home. I'll give her the paper! Long term that won't help though.

So, I have emails out all over So Cal so I can see people. Now I need to schedule all that and Disneyland. People need passes! :)

And in Other News...

There has been a lot said on the boards and a lot said on blogs about the tragedy that is becoming all too common these days. Well meaning, loving parents leaving their child in a car seat and forgetting they are there.

Before I heard about the tragedies in VA and TN...there have been a couple cases reported on our local news within CA. When I first moved back there was an instance and it seems like every 2-3 months you hear about it because even on a "cool" spring day...you have a baby in the sun in a car and well...the child is lost.

I have very mixed emotions about this whole thing. On the one hand there is a outrage at the situations. How do you NOT know that you have your child with you? Maybe it is the years of child care, day care and ministry that I have developed what some mom's have called my mom radar. High praise for someone who is not a parent and most likely cannot have kids! Maybe because I can be so anal about things so I would be like: keys, wallet, KID, diaper bag, etc. I do that now...even when rushed because I hate to have to go back down to the car if I don't have to! So while I know it happens and yes...I have locked my keys in my car...it is really hard to imagine leaving a child in a car because they are very different than a set of keys.

I also feel a profound sadness that a youth worker and another minister have lost their children, that friends who have shared their strong opinions about the incident have been treated horribly by fellow youth workers on their blogs and that these incidents have the ability to divide communities, churches and friends. As I have read over and over...the pain these men (and their families) are going through is something I cannot fathom. Knowing that through them a tragic accident occurred that has changed their lives forever. My heart aches for the wives that are probably in such shock and that may give way to fury and rightly so...but I pray when that intense anger comes they can work through it together.

It is so hard when we know the truth...the children are in the arms of Jesus...but the pain left behind can make that seem such a small comfort IN THE MOMENT. Hearing that, as I know from other situations in my own life, actually doesn't always help. I pray that the people who are there to support these families know that just being there can do more than any words...no matter how true or well meaning.

Part of me can think sarcastically, "Well, I was beat, I was constantly criticized (okay...still am...mom called me a dumb$^$# over and incident from at least FIVE years ago), I was verbally abused but at least she never left me in the car!" She never left me any place on accident and I have to give her credit for being that aware! But I think if someone like my mom who truly had no business being a parent could actually be that conscientious how could an actual LOVING parent be that forgetful?

We can never truly know how that few seconds was phased out of their minds and I believe that nothing can be done in our justice system that will take the place of the punishment these men are heaping on themselves. Heck, if anything, let them heal some and send them OUT to PTA meetings, MOPS and other groups to share their story as a caution. While torture at first, if their words can remind just one parent to remember that precious cargo in the back seat...I bet in time they would think it was worth the pain each speech would cause.

Behavior Chain Analysis...

So, yesterday's session was a little awkward. It is also interesting what gaps I have in my memory from time to time...and I don't mean these huge chunks of time or anything...I mean what day I cut (Thursday night) vs. being able to give Rob a blow by blow account of an event from over 10 years ago! Granted...that blow by blow account was seeing the first YP I volunteered under get fired and the aftermath...but it's still kind of strange. Just like that incident from a few weeks ago when Rob said something that hurt me and yet I couldn't remember exactly wha he said...just what it felt like.

At some point I have lost the ability (well misplaced it) to really look at a "problem behavior" and what lead to it, what I could have done differently, etc. I really concentrate on the distract part so I don't do it...that works abouyt 1/2 the time.

Last year at LIFE we had to fill out BCAs (Behavior Chain Analysis) when we "indulged" in a behavioe whether it be SI, purging, overexercising, etc. and getting caught. I'd do something and would be able to get away with it and then feel guilty and confess. I think I filled out like 6 of them in 2 two months. They really are a great tool to look at what else was going on what what was REALLY going on that prompted the behavior. Chances are, the last thing that happened may not be the thing that touched off the behavior in the first place.

I honestly do not look at the broad perspective or the whys anymore. Yesterday Rob and I made an oral contract. If I use any behavior he wants a BCA and then we go over it together during our session. I think he thought I would be against it. After reading through a couple of mine last night...I really welcome it should I need it. I found one that Aaron wanted me to do that I refused because I was ticked at him...so I am glad I have a blank one I can copy.

Thursdays "prompting event" was not what I thought it was when we talked. I think he realized it (I didn't until I walked out the door and then it dawned on me) when I couldn't come up with why I cut then when my mother has been...well...my mom...and I have resisted. As usual, he's right! :)

SIGH....

Someone please tell me WHY recovery is worth it? I am really missing ED. I know that IS soooooo dumb...but I do.

Back to the Grind...

I find this really funny. I missed Rob soooo much and now he is back and we are going to be diving back into stuff and I wish he were gone again. However, we only have three more sessions until I leave for "The OC" so it won't get too deep. Well, I may try my darndest to avoid. Bad I know...but I really don't want to dredge stuff up that is going to drag me back to where I was before PYT.

However, I know that PYT and having a break last week "cured" nothing. I mean it helped me depression-wise as far as not having so much down time that I had time to dwell on my emotional state and provided an ego boost that I am arguing with myself about whether I deserved what was said about me or not...but it's still there. Much improved...but still there. Knowing that, I can take the steps I need to make sure it stays improved!

I was worrying a bit about dependency issue with Rob and came through the two weeks much better than I expected. That is a HUGE relief. Some day he won't be there. Some day I will either move again or we'll be done or who knows what? I know I WOULD see him again and I am sure that was part of it...but 16 days is the longest I have gone in over a year. I don'tcount Remuda because that last month we stil snuck in emails...not anything treatment centered just everyday life type stuff.

It would be so easy right now to make him the enemy. To "blame"him for diving into the muck already. It's not true. Today I intend to takein my little person that my Hometown wrote on our last night. That will open up the can of worms all by itself. The part where TRUTH is smothering out my "truth" and while it is a good thing...I don't like it! Makes me feel very vulnerable and scared and well...confused.

Confused as in did they see what they saw because I was being all fake and phony? Or did they see what they saw because that is who I am or at least want to be? I know they didn't see all "Happy Dappy" Deneice. I ended up sharing stuff I hadn't intended to and probably should have shared more and stopped. The question came up (from me) about being the only Christian in your family and how it was for them. I had a few who are the only ones and shared that I was too. "E" asked me how I became a Christian and I shared the whole story (most of it anyway). Could have heard a pin drop. And, they saw me a bit unamused at failing to get their attention. But, I just did the silent thing and it worked.

Lots of questions, lots of "pondering," and lots of hours on his floor, holding onto Frederick and trying to find the words when it escapes me. Oh yeah...fun times!

So I Sit...

...and I ponder. One of Rob's favorite words.

He asked me a great question yesterday. Did PYT do anything to help me figure out if youth is what I still want to do. I had actualy been thinking about that. As I told him, I think it did but not in the way I expected. I was hoping/praying for one of those lightning bolt moments and I think God was a lot more quiet this time around.

I mean, when I first knew that Youth Ministry was where God wanted me...it was a "boot to the head" type moment. When I was on my knees giving the whole paid/volunteer issue to Him SEVEN years ago (ack!) each night after the campers were in bed...I felt peace about that and got a HUGE answer a few months later.

This time...I think it has been subtle. Truth be told, up until Triennium I had pretty much lost ALL confidence in my abilities in Youth Ministry. Heck, after the latest developments here before I left for Indiana...I was questioning my abilities for ministry period. Anyway, the afternoon of my first small group I was a wreck. I arrived in the room way early to try and make it all "perfect."

The first kid walked in, God was there and at the end of the 90 minutes I was really excited about it all. I remember thinking, "Okay, I still got it. I still connect, they seem to like me, they don't think I am a dork [I hope] and they came up with GREAT stuff for their Covenant." I think it was the feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that what I feel is my strongest point in ministry (relational stuff) was intact was the confirmation I was praying for.

Is it that easy? I dunno. I don't want to overanalyze it. I don't want to discount my experience either.

I wish that means I am ready to jump in to the job pool again. I'm not. I don't want to move again...not yet. I have been back in CA for almost two years and I am not ready for another move. I am not healthy enough...yet. I mean physically I am...but the other stuff...I fight myself with every bite I put in my mouth, the ED thoughts are ever present and well...why that stuff will go on for awhile...I need to be on better footing before I go off anyplace again.

SIGH...

The good news? ROB is back and after SIXTEEN LOOOOOONNNNGGGGG days...I gotto seehim!

The bad news? After sixteen loooooooonnnnggggg days and a great trip...reality came back quickly and I am very unsettled right now.

He asked great questions and need to think on them some more. I wish I could see him every day this week. Three more session and I am off to the OC for a week and no sessions. Kinda scary! SO much to get into between now and then!

The "End"

Last Saturday we had to take all our extra supplies and put them downstairs in the three boxes. HA! You really can't tell here...but the boxes were buried AND the mountain was bigger until some fine and upstanding Hometown leaders decided to help out and have stuff sorted! Cannot believe that a week ago I was in the lobby of Young...having ditched worship because my knee was screaming in pain from the minute I woke up...getting ready to leave. It seems almost surreal.

The Aftermath Originally uploaded by Deneice.