Faithful is...

...seeing a 49er football game that means nothing in the pouring down rain! I can't wait!!!

I got 2 tix for the 49er game from eBay. They may be in the end zone...but they are Lower Box seats and having sat there before...the seats are really pretty good. I'm just excited to go to a game...of course it would be nice if they were playing a team other than Houston and have it mean something...but I can't wait to go!!!

Christmas...I finally got an iPod!! My mom got me a black 4 GB Nano and wrapped it in a bag in a bag in a box in a huge box. I was beginning to wonder because it was the only thing I asked for.

I also got a $50 gift card for Berean Christian Store and 7 matinee tix for the Century theaters! My grandma knows me well!

Hmmm...

I fully support the fact that therapists and dietitians need and deserve ample time off. However...why does it have to be during one of the most difficult times of the year??

Actually, for Toni I wouldn't see her next week anyway because I just saw her today and I see her every other week. However, since January 2nd is a holiday it will be a full two weeks before seeing Rob. I know I'll be fine, I know I don't absolutely have to see him...but two weeks feels like two years right now. But, I think it is food related.

Food continues to stink. My energy level is okay, I can function...but there are some physical signs that I know signal some problems. I've had some leg cramping (on a regular basis...not just once in a blue moon), dizziness and limbs falling asleep and Toni is afraid there could be some slight electrolyte imbalances. I maintain that since I have been purge free for 15 months that cannot be the case. Anyway, she nixed my plans to go back to the gym next week because she's afraid of what could happen with my heart and I need to get my calories up. I hate knowing what I'm doing and wanting to just eat...but I am finding it so hard.

Earlier I asked my mom what we were having for dinner and she said we could just eat bread (we ordered bread from Boudin Bakery for my Aunt & Uncle on her side and they sent the order to us...they will now send the order to them...no charge since they messed up)since we have two big meals coming up this weekend. I am making pork tenderloin with mashed potatoes and broccoli tomorrow and then we are getting a Honeybaked Ham and I am making a couple side dishes for Christmas. She still does not get it. She is also the one on me because I am NOT eating the junk food we have around the house from my baking/candy making.

I had to pick up my PCOS meds and decided that I had to eat something...yesterday was a Jr. Popcorn at the movies. So, tears streaming down my face I went to Whole Foods and picked some stuff up. Then she tells me, "I wouldn't spend that much money on food." I am thinking if I didn't it wouldn't matter if I wanted to eat or not because if I didn't buy food...we would live on Coke and bagels. So, I ate and my mood has picked up a little bit. Gee...that should clue me in! I know that I know this...but how do you eat when you have NO interest in food at all?

Hanging On...

I STILL want to talk about the Lock-in...but I know if I don't talk about the other stuff, I can continue to hide all of it (not that it is bad or anything) from everyone other then Rob and Toni.

I will say this...last weekend was one of the rare moments where I felt my best was "good enough." Those moments are few and far between and it's youth ministry so the night wasn't "perfect," but the effort that I put in for the things I was in charge of, the things I helped my SP with and the time I spent with the kids was my best effort and it was enough...for them (I think...everyone had fun), for my SP and most important for me. Nothing earth shattering happened, no big revelation moment...other than being so very thankful to God for allowing me to gain work with students in any capacity. I love my Junior Highers!

The biggest thing right now is my food struggle. I'm not purging (in fact as of this weekend I am 15 months purge free!), I never binge, but the act of eating is becoming more and more difficult. Last Saturday my mom took me out to dinner and I ate (way too much), Tuesday was our staff lunch and I actually had dessert...but my caloris the rest of the week probably don't add up to 1/2 of one of those meals. I try to stay off the scale. It's not good for me. But, after last week, I had to see how much weight I gained. Ummm...I lost another pound and a half.

In most circles this is a GOOD thing. Having PCOS makes it very hard to lose weight and to see almost 12 pounds come off with no exercise plays with my head. I belong to a gym...but I reinjured my knee slipping on some oil in a parking lot so Toni said no gym for a couple weeks and then lately I have just been lazy/have no energy. But now I am chomping at the bit to go back next week.

So, even in my "beached whale" state...that much weight loss (no matter how needed) in this short a period of time is not really a good thing for me. People noticing isn't helping either.

In my head I keep saying, "ENOUGH!" I know where this can lead...heck, I keep looking at posters for "X-Men 3" and thinking this time I will not be at Remuda when the movie comes out! I was there both times the other two movies were released. Not that I am close to ven that being on the radar nor would it even be a possibility if things were that bad...but it seriously is a motivator.

Toni thinks part of this may be my standard when good stuff happens I throw all my energy into that and so food/hydration suffer. Part of me being a perfectionist and not knowing how to let my best effort be enough. Rob and I started talking about that again. I told him I hate being an overacheier, but I don't know how to NOT ne one or what it would mean to set that aside. It also dawned on me how much of a black & white thinker I am in many areas...mainly about me...not others. Like if I am not trying to overachieve than I am a failure.

Basically, I am getting my behind kicked in my session with Rob and I think the food slide is all part of that as well. The more Rob is really pressing (as he should be) me to dig deep with all these statements I make...the more I feel my internal world in chaos and how do I stop the madness? With more madness by restricting.

I meet the "little kids" in a few hours to go see "Narnia." It'll be the 2nd time for a couple of us and I am looking forward to seeing it again. Now that I have seen it and looked for accuracy, I can sot back and just let the movie be the movie! I read "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" long before I ever became a Christian (well...3 years or so) and really look at it from a literary standpoint. I can draw parallels as well as the next person, but I don't expect the movie to be the newest Christian "superstar." The movie has that value...of course it does...but it's loved by people of all walks of life and I want to lose myself in that part of it...to see it through the eyes of my little kindergartner (who is attending with his dad was well) who is also a huge Harry Potter fan...to see it through the eyes of my 5th graders and one of my 2nd graders who is attending her first Kids Day Out since coming to our church from Cameroon.

My plan is to bring water with me. Sorry, I refuse to pay $4 for a bottle of water. And if they have pretzel bites, indulge in those!

Quick Check-In

I want to write a real update...but things are busy. In no particular order:

1. Lock-in was great! We all had a lot of fun and can't wait until the next one!
2. Taking the K-5th graders (well...a few of them) to see "Narnia" Saturday.
3. I'm having a hard time pulling out of the slide I'm in...but am emailing my intake to Toni. Yesterday's staff lunch went OK...though I came close to having a panic attack trying to read the menu.


More later!

The Other Stuff

I started this blog (thanks Gman!) on a suggestion and as much as it truly is about the many, many, MANY up and downs about recovery...with YM coming back into my life there has been a lot of Jr. High stuff as well as, of course, Children's Ministry stuff as it should be!

But, my dieitian said somethig to me a couple weeks ago that got me to thinking. We were talking about my reasons for going into major restrict mode and besides feeling Rob took some control away from me, she thinks that I pour so much into the good things that are going on in my life, that I ignore ME and my basic needs (food & water). I think she has a point. Unfortunately, even knowing all this, eating is such a HUGE battle these days. I do it and on a good day I may even hit 1,000 calories, but there have been days I have been close to tears during and after an "eating episode." I really need to snap out of it!

Lock-In Countdown...

The Jr. High Lock-In is Friday night! My first lock-in in over three years! I think it is going to be fun. My SP and I are planning a great night. Pizza, "Narnia," games, marshmallow guns, Communion, video games, etc., etc. I love being a volunteer again and even got a thank you email from one of the parents! My SP and I are going to meet tomorrow to pund out the final details and then spend Friday AM turning one of my SS rooms into Narnia. We are taking some ideas from the last "Group" and from Narnia Resources and adpating them for us. Neither were totally thrilled with all the stuff out there, but there is enough to get the point across without pounding it all into their heads!

It's been fun to work with my SP in this capacity. I think it helps all the way around. Oh, and he liked my Nursery/Toddler Room plan! Now, I have to do a floor plan and time line! Ugh! It can get done...it WILL get done...but it is an "ack" moment for me!

LOSER...

This is SO lame. But, I want a real Christmas tree in the worst way. But, I'll be lucky if I make it to my next paycheck (I'll have to cancel Rob and Toni next week I think). I normally don't care and haven't had a tree in ages, but I think that is why I want one. My mom is content with the rather cute fake one I bought her a gfew years ago...but I miss having a real one.

I know the solution, but I do look for other PT jobs and nothing has panned out and I really don't want to leave the job I'm in and really don't feel God is telling me to move on. My schedule (having to be at church on Sunday) really impacts people wanting to hire me...plus not ever having a "normal" job...ever.

Last night was the tree lighting at church. We have this huge tree on our front lawn and for the past 12 years it has been the SHPNA site for the neighborhood tree lighting. Two school choirs performed and one of our handbell choirs. Then they head outside for the lighting and then back inside for visits with Santa and cookies. Sweet event...but the way parents were treating their kids just made my heart break.

I try to stay focused on why we are even celebrating Christmas...but there is something absilutely shattered inside me...that has been shattering since October if I'm honest about it. The 1/2 hour exercise that Rob is having me do is proving to be as scary as I thought it would be and is going places that I have been trying to avoid. Fun, fun!

Peeking Out...

...from my hidey hole!

I talked about it last week and then have been in total surface "stuff" mode. This is always a clear indication that things aren't great. They aren't. I am having a very hard time fighting back. It's not like things are horrendous or that I am even losing weight, because I'm not. However, when my mom is playing Food Police I know things have reached a not so good place. She is questioning me like crazy and at least it forces me to eat my one meal. Heck, I even made fajitas last night so how bad can I really be?

I know what prompted it. I posted about it last week. Rob wants to talk to my mom's therapist and eventually my mom in for a family session. But, he has always said that it would be my timing and he is concerned about the fallout since I'd have to go back home with her. I thought that was the end of it...at least for a few weeks. The next time I came in he gave me a release to sign so he and Jann could speak. Fine. I signed it and then told my mom about it as Jann would be asking her to sign one as well.

My next session, Rob was frustrated with me (so what else is new?) and makes some comment that if HE hadn't done all the work then this never would have been done. I let that sit and didn't say much...I let the ED speak for me ever since and now it won't shut up! Anyway, as I was looking at the emails I sent him, I actually must have said something to him in our session because I emailed him later to assure him that I wasn't mad at him...just confused about the whole thing. He did apologize a couple of times and I did tell him that ever since I have been in "default" mode because of the "control" issues.

We've talked about how much I have been reading over the last 2-3 weeks. I read a lot normally, but lately it has been in overdrive. I know why. I told him why. I am avoiding something/some feeling and that is the way to do it. I came into the "Harry Potter Frenzy" late (i.e. three weeks ago) and have read all six books, a bunch of Beverly Lewis books among others. I know...not heavy nor important reading, but when you are burying yourself in books in order to avoid something that is best.

So, between now and Monday I am supposed to take a 1/2 hour alone. No music, no TV, no computer, no reading material...nada. The purpose of this is for me to be able to be still and try to connect with my feelings. I told him a couple weeks ago that this is why my therpaist the first time I was Remuda would not let me read. I must have told her when I first got there that I was a voracious reader and she realized if she let me read (most people were assigned a book or two while there) I'd isolate and/or read to avoid my feelings.

The 2nd anniversary of my mom's last suicide attempt is coming up and I think that also plays into the food/sleep thing. This is another reason why Rob wants me to do this. Sounds weird, but it scares me to death. I am really nervous about having to do this. How silly is that?

Children's Ministry Blog...

WPC Children's Ministry Blog

Finally decided to start one. Mainly for the parents, but for the kids as well. They love pix of themselves! :)

Click on the link above. It does work!

ARGH!

Let me state first that I love my church and I really do like and respect (and in some cases love) our Session. They have been a true blessing for me and I love our Children/Youth Ministry Elder.

BUT...

My Nursery Procedure Manual/Youth & Children application procedure was voted DOWN. Much of session gets why we are doing this and why we need to do background checks, etc. However, there are some who do not get WHY we need to protect our kids and our church. Then, as this would also affect Communidad Latinoamericana we have to rethink because some of them are here illegally. Don't even get me started on that one.

So, it is back to the discussion board next week and we'll see what happens from there. I guess it all could be passed through other than the background checks.

My SP was surprised. I am not 100% because this is a new thing and most of the people caring for our children/youth have been here longer than I have and longer tham our SP. I told him it could be controversial and he didn't believe me.

I really hope & pray it can get worked out.

Fun Stuff...

One of my fave things to do!

NO Drama!

This year was a drama free Thanksgiving and for that I am truly thankful to God. I am exhausted from the combo cold/cooking the whole meal thing...but that doesn't surprise me.

I just cannot believe we got through one Thanksgiving without any yelling, drunken monologues, etc.

So, now I am going to watch "Nemo" (I own it...but it's on TV) and rest up. Because we don't get paid until Tuesday there is no Black Friday for me tomorrow...just a quick trip to Michael's for a craft to do with the kids on Saturday and a few items from the store in order to make treats with the kids on Saturday.

Happy Turkey Day!

I woke up feeling a ton better yesterday...except for having not a whole lot of energy...and that was good thing because I had a lot to do. Go see Toni, go see "Rent," do Turkey Day prep., etc.

Some stuff has been going on that I realized I was using (or should I say...NOT using) food to deal with. Basically, something I saw as Rob taking control of flipped my "default" switch and I ended up automatically in major restictionville. I still struggle with it anyway, but I haven't even been eating a complete meal...just a portion of one (i.e. protein and that is it). My DIETITIAN of all things made me promise to go to In-n-Out last night. I told her I would...but I couldn't ptomise a burger...but I could commit to grilled cheese. That was the only thing that sounded remotely edible to me. So, I did it and have committed to eating a full meal today...which I hate doing after doing all the cooking, but I can't slide now.

Toni also thought that with all the good stuff happening right now that I am putting all of it ahead of me since not only has food decreased but even hydration. She has a point.

So, I need to check on stuff and get offline.

Hope everyone has a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving!

My fever is almost gone but I am still pretty sneezy and stuffy and my throat hurts. I am using anti-viral tissues because if my mother catches this I will never hear the end of it! So, I finished the 5th Harry Potter and the 5th in the Abram's Daugter series in between sneezes. SO glad the office is closed this week and I don't have to be in until Saturday.

Today marks three years since I first started seeing Rob. Wow!

Double Ugh...

Runny or stuffy nose? check and check
Sore throat? check
Slight body aches or a mild headache? check
Sneezing? check, check and triple check
Watery eyes? check
Low fever — less than 102 F? check and holding pretty steady at 100.5 as of a 1/2 hour ago.

Looks like I was too late with the Zicam. I was pretty much right about a sneeze making it all official. After a day of almost sneezing (Sunday) and a couple days(Friday and Saturday) of the rest of the stuff I actually felt OK Monday morning and thought I beat it. A couple hours of moving around and a few big sneezes it all started creeping up on me.

By 10 AM my temp. was 99.5 and went as high as 100.9. So, now I am sitting here stuffy and sneezy and can't sleep...but I need to go try.

Ugh..

I am SO glad our office is closed all week. I feel like crud. Like it's inevitable that I'm going to come down with a full-blown head cold at any second. My throat hurts, my nose has been runny/stuffy at times, my head hurts, my eyes are red. I feel like one sneeze is going to bring all the symptoms out for good! I've been trying Zicam, but I am thinking I did it too late...that I ignored the little pain in the back of my throat one too many days. And, while many people do not have fevers with their colds...I usually do.

It's going around, though. I think I caught it from someone in our cake decorating class the lasty night. Either that or from "C" who caught it from her daughter. My sore throat is keeping me awake...but I am going to try and sleep it off!

My Cake...

The class is over. I lived. This was my "final." I hated it. Julie, our instructor said I was very creative and thought it was beautiful. "Whatever."

I am really enjoying Jr. High...well, that's a huge DUH. I am "Game Girl" which I actually LIKE because I don't have time to really put together a lesson and my SP enjoys that part. Last night we played "brown bag yoga" and I killed my knee but lasted a lot longer than I thought. It took up our whole game time.

We then talked to the kids about the Lock-in next month and did some lectio divina (did I spell that right?) which the kids really got into. It was a good night.

Friday I absolutely did NOT want to go to small group. I wanted to drop off dessert and then go back home. I didn't do that. I stayed. Nothing earth shattering happened, but I do love my small group and am really glad I stayed. It was much better than sitting at home in somewhat of a daze.

I am still not doing great. The "urgent" urge is fading along with my appetite, but I am doing what I can to keep myself from sinking. I ate because it had been almost 20 hours and thought it would be a good idea. Did I enjoy my sandwich? Nope. But, not eating will make things worse and I know that. So, for all you DBT fans out there...I made a mental list of pros and cons, tossed in a little opposite to emotion and ate my lunch.

I decided not to go home between lunch and youth group. So, I am up here in my office getting some stuff done I should have done Friday. Quite honestly, the end of last week was one of those people are lucky I showed up period because all I wanted to do was either crawl into a ball and sleep or sit up here and not make any effort at all. Toni was sick and that was a HUGE bummer. Normally, I am so okay when life gets in the way of seeing Toni and/or Rob or they need to make a change. After Thursday session with Rob...I REALLY needed Toni. She was sick. Sigh... I rarely cry...but I was in tears Friday when she called me. I really needed her. The upside, was I was as vulnerable as I could be with my small group and that was a huge blessing. It's hard to walk the line between me being in the small group and being who I am at church and I really think when I am there, the people that have kids in my program ignore that part. Maybe not 100%...but it does become a non-issue.

I am looking forward to Jr. High tonight. While I really don't like my SP's philosophy that Youth Group should be all fun and games...I figure if I stick it out now...when they hire the new Youth Director, the philsophy will be different and we can actually dig deep.

Today our 4th graders received their Bibles. For one I know it was no big deal...she got one from Kids Club...but for "V," I think it meant a lot. Her parents don't come to church, they allow her to come but they don't allow her to do the "extra stuff." The donate doughnuts for Coffee n' Conversation yet do not allow "V" to participate in Operation Christmas Child. So, we take what we can get. Somehow I am getting her to camp this spring!

Some Days...

...I wish I had an anonymous blog and I bet you do too!

I mean I know I can easily create one and all that, but hey, I started this for a reason and while I also talk about ministry stuff and will more often since I'll be working with Jr. High, the blog was created to talk about recovery stuff and the ups and downs. By and large I AM doing well...but it's like when you have some solid recovery (pretty much) under your belt, it is as if you are no longer able to struggle because others may think you are no longer in recovery.

Honestly? The last two weeks have been a HUGE down. The last few weeks really, but most of that has been insomnia which has probably compounded the rest of what's going on.

I have been really fighting the urge to cut the last two days. I cannot figure out what triggered it, but I am having a hard time fighting it. Rob was shocked when I told him I still wanted to and if I could've in his office I probably would have. Not that he'd let me. Yesterday I left the house and then stayed up until I knew I could fall asleep for a couple hours (or more...ha!). Tonight I am pretty much stuck.

I've tried all what I usually do to distract and relax about it. I ate, I took deep breaths, I prayed, I chatted on AIM (okay, not about this...but still), I read...nothing has been helping.

To top it off...not only is the urge there...I really WANT to cut. That is so hard to admit. Not just that I want to cut...but to admit I want ANYTHING...even if it is unhealthy. It was so hard to say the words, "I want..." to Rob. And you know what he does? He looks at me and says, "But you said it. You are telling me right now." HELLO!!! Just because I SAID the words didn't mean it was an easy thing to do. Then he tried to distract me by telling me I want to cut because the 49ers are starting what was their 4th string QB. Normally, that would be funny. Okay, it WAS funny...but on further review it was also rather tacky.

Rob did say I have cut myself off so much from my feelings that it's hard for me to process the whys or even identify what has triggered me. He also said the urge can't last for long. I totally agree with the first and am thinking he is full of it on the 2nd.

I keep thinking if I could just get one full night's sleep that would help soooo much. I miss my Ambien.

Back in the Saddle Again...

In my small group we are working through the Bible Studies that are based on PDL. When we started the group last spring, we went through PDL and decided we wanted to stay together and keep going. So, Purpose Driven offers studies based on each purpose and they gor for six weeks each. We are starting with fellowship and I have one thing to say...it really helps that we had been together for a few months because it really digs deep in the sense of us being vulnerable with one another. It's been a great experience.

Part of the study is making a plan on how you are going to live out the five purposes on a daily basis. About two weeks ago as my partner and I were going through the ctegories I was telling her I don't have a non-pais ministry. With us not being able to have a Kids Club this year, I wasn't involved any place else and not all the ministries at church work well with my schedule. I had thought about the Women's Retreat, but when they started planning I wasn't sure if I was going to get the boot or not so I didn't want to jump in there.

Saturday I was out running errands and when I came home my mom told me that my SP had called. That worried me. He has only called me at home a couple times so I thought I did something wrong. He asked me if I could help him and P with Jr. High because he couldn't be there the whole time. Both before and after I was Youth Director here we had the same three Jr. High volunteers...and they are great! The one couple has been doing Jr. High for 11 years and they need to be home right now and stepped down. For the time being our SP is heading Jr. High up with P. Naturally I said yes and was excited because 1. he actually thought of me and 2. it was an answer to my prayer!

Sunday night the three of us met after Jr. High and he asked me if I planned to stay on and I said yes. Yesterday we talked about it after staff meeting and he asked me again and told me that it would have to be volunteer...he'd like to pay me but the church just can't do it. I told him that was fine...I was just happy to be a volunteer! Then I told him on a purely selfish level I didn't want to have to say goodbye to the 5th graders moving up (not that I wouldn't see them...but ti would be different) next year!

I told him about the small group and wanting to find a ministry and S said that he has been so impressed with our small group and what has been coming from it in the life of our church. One of the men in our group has started a Thursday night Men's Bible Study and S also said he just sees a renewed energy from everyone. I hope this prompts him to make the effort to really have small groups in this traditional sense because I think it would be a great thing for our church.

I am looking forward to see what God has in store for us in the next few months!

Great Night!!

Last night went really well for a first time event and one I wasn't so sure I could pull off. Knowing that I am not 100% out of the woods with my job, this had to go well with very few glitches.

Here are a few of the pictures I took last night. The first one is the top of my car. I did a "Teddy Bear Picnic" theme and raided my room for stuffed animals and then the 3-5 year old class for cups, play food, etc. I also had stuff on the hood of the car as well.

The second car belongs to my SP. It was an awesome theme! The kids took fishing polls and "caught" their treat.

The third car was a couple in our church. The whole trunk is a cat. I never would have thought of it. I LOVED it!

The 4th picture is a family in our church! Their van was "Star Wars" themed (obviously). Lily made a GREAT Yoda! Her ears kept falling off all night though!

It was a bit of a slow start because the kids simply weren't there. But, slowly they came and we made some adjustments (like unblocking our entrances) and the feedback was all positive.

I wasn't sure at first because things were so slow. Should we have tried to do it out front somehow? Did we need to rent additional lights? Although, why the hurry -up and wait was happening...the fellowship our members were having was awesome! It was a very diverse group of people who made up this event. We had one no show and that was fine because we had one last minute "drive up" participant so I had my 12 and that was 2 over my goal! My mom did a car and so she got to know some other people from church and that was a neat thing.

Once things got going and the kids/parents realized that were there to simply hand out candy and be an active participant in the neighborhood the kids stayed and parents talked to our participants and were able to enjoy cider and hot chocolate provided at one of the cars! The parents I spoke to were very happy we had this available for their kids. As we were cleaning up, the people that participated were very happy they chose to do this and I think will do it again next year! In fact, the family that provided the hot drinks said they will do a BBQ next year! Greg owns a catering business and that was a wonderful offer! He was so enthusiastic about the whole event it was really neat to see.

I'm really trying to just stick with the positives of the event and not the things that I should have done better or organized a little better. I'm sure I will hear about that today...even though my SP was very positive last night. There should have been a little bit better signage (putting signs up to the restroom didn't occur to me), the tape should have been taken down sooner, etc. We have already decided next year I won't do a car so I am around more for logistics and to take pictures and all that "scut work" stuff. Someone suggested we do door hangers for next yesr which is a great idea! I also think the BBQ and word of mouth from this year will be a huge help! If we are back in the elementary school next year with Kids Club that would be huge help as well.

I really did like that we didn't have a lot of our own kids there except for the ones who live in the area. We really didn't push for it. While it was an all church event, it was really meant for our neighborhood. When our church was founded, the building was not where it stands today. One thing they put in the charter when looking for a new spot was to find a place with unchurched children and a place to be active in the life of the neighborhood. This was over 70 years ago! Children and outerach to our neighbors have always been core values of our church. As it grows I can see kids trick or treating in their neighborhoods and then coming to the church for additional candy and fun times, but I really want this event to stay focused outward.

We didn't hand anything out about the church, we didn't really invite people to church unless they started the conversation. From what I understand, that did happen several times. So, I hope we do have some families come and see what we're up to and what we have to offer! I know some people may think we were foolish not to do more, but I'll say one thing...the fact that no one made comments when some of the more "questionable" costumes came through our parking lot spoke more to parents and the kids than any flyer we could have handed them.

Scared Spitless

In a little less than three hours Trunk & Treat will begin! I am excited, but I am also very anxious! I wish I had a seroquel...haven't wanted one of those in a very long time! :)

Please, God...let this go well for our neighborhood! Please let them see this as it is...a way for us to be involved in our neighborhood and let them know we care! And selfishly...please don't let me fall flat on my face!

Quick Post

I'll say more later...but my birthday royally had much in common with a vacuum cleaner.

Mel remembered, another friend remembered and sent me a really funny e-card...but no one at church remembered and I got to top off my birthday with my mom singing happy b-day to herself as I got my cake. Her birthday is in April.

I feel like I ate a giant grease ball because I didn't want pizza (see post below) and it's just like a glob of fat in my stomach.

I have not had a good birthday since 2000. Well...2002 cuz Billy sent me a rose plant and that was the highlight of that year...but I wish I could erase either me or the date off the calendar.

Perspective...I Am a Spoiled Brat!

I should be working on Trunk & Treat stuff...But I can't get yesterday's session out of my head.

It is very interesting how Rob and I view stuff. I also know that he is right and I am wrong and it is going to take some time to get my brain straightened out. I told him that my reactions to things are in a "default" mode. That at the first sign of feeling a "negative" emotion that my default action is to want to cut to get rid of it or express it that way. He then told me I can count on that happening for a long time, but that it will subside.

After everything with my birthday and telling him about it...I told him I sound like a spoiled brat who isn't getting her way. Okay, first I told him that I don't know why I bother to use my voice because my family refuses to hear it and what I say doesn't matter. But, as we continued to talk, I told him I felt I was sounding like a spoiled brat. He assured me I was not and that not being heard is a disappointing thing.

We also talked about my "default mode." I told him that I can't be afraid to feel "bad stuff" just because I want to cut when that happens. That's when he said it is important for us process this stuff so I won't want to cut.

Then I went to a movie. I went to see "Good Night and Good Luck." LOVED it!

My Family Drives Me NUTS!!!!

My birthday is coming up this week. I'd rather skip it because it's not that big a deal and have no one to celebrate with anyway.

However...my family has their own ideas. I made it perfectly clear to my mother I do not want nor will I eat pizza. We did that for my grandfather and once in a month is good for me. It is still a hard food to eat and I have to be ready for it. The last time (before my grandpa's b-day) I had it was July. Now why they all get to choose what they want and/or where they go and I don't is beyond me. But, today I was told that was what they want so that is what we're doing.

Anyone want to adopt me this weekend?

Milestone II

Today it has been one year since the last time I self-harmed...basically, the last time I cut because that has always been my method of self harming. As I walked out of Rob's office yesterday, I took a deep breath and thought about how this year's session (meaning from the session a year ago) was so different from what happened last year. Last year I was called defiant and Rob was really, really, really mad because I had been cutting for a week and didn't tell him. It almost cost me a wonderful therapist. It took him three weeks to decide to not put me on any type of contract and at the time I totally disagreed with him. I wanted that "threat" hanging over me. He said he didn't want the cutting to stop because of a contract. Rob said that one day I will walk out those doors and not come back and that means no more contract. That could mean I could go back to cutting. I told him by the time that happens I shouldn't NEED the contract anymore...but he said no. I guess I thought it would bring me a weird sort of safety...but I think I'm glad he never did it.

I broke two food rules this week. I will not eat the myriad of goodies that often come into our office. I generally have no problems with it and there is a long list of "consequences" that normally occur if I break food rules. Tuesday was Nancy's 81st b-day and we had coffee and a pastry type goodie. I didn't say no. My anxiety level went through the roof the whole time...but I did it and obviously didn't die.

The second rule was the next day. My Elder for Children's/Youth Ministry and I went to look at Bibles for the 4th graders. We chose one and got them. Cindy offered to take me to lunch so we went to Chili's. I have a general rule that when I am out like that, if what I order comes with fries, I get veggies instead of fries. Part of it is absolutely ED stuff...but I also LOVE broccoli! Anyway, I let it slide. This was a bad thing because I don't eat a lot of fat on a normal basis and the fries must have had more than I eat in a month because I was feeling really sick the rest of the day. But again, breaking the rule didn't kill me.

I have homework for the weekend. Rob rarely gives me homework...but he did. I am supposed to figure out why I feel anxious (and for someone who truly does not have a full range of emotions at the moment...this is HUGE...that I feel that and let myself do it) when I eat around other people. I hate it. I hate it at camp, I hate it at the office (Christmas lunch is TORTURE for me) and I even had a hard time when our team went out at NYWC. I know it's my issue and that I am just very self-conscious and I just need to allow myself to relax and enjoy the people and not sit there and try to calculate the calories of everything I put in my mouth.

As Rob and I were talking my the anxiety and how I dealt with breaking the rules (waiting hours and hours before allowing myself to eat again), he asked me if I could still cut over all of it. In the past, if I didn't purge I would cut instead...as long as I was physically punished I didn't care how. I think I surprised us both when I told him that no, I didn't think so. This coming from the person who could cut over something that happened WEEKS ago, let alone just a few days. So...progress.

As good as all this is...there is still a lot of work as far as emotions go as well as a few other issues. We both recognize that some of this milestone "stuff" has been pure will power from me and not always finding healthy coping mechanisms. I know I have the fear that as we delve into me allowing myself to FULLY experience anger, sadness and other not-so-fun emotions that I'll go back to a behavior. So, it will be a balance and possibly a lot of calls to Rob!

But, as I see some scars become fainter and others disappear completely...it is great incentive to NOT indulge myself in the familiar.

Playground!!

Young Life Capernaum Project has its national office here at our church. They rent office space from us and are now building their own office building/meeting space. This means they had to dismantle our playground (see the above pix) while they construct the building. It also means thaty rather than simply removing our equipment and storing it...it pretty much has been destroyed. The upshot? We get a new playground...or at least part of one. I need to call the Project Manager and find out what they will do to rectify the situation!

I am waiting for one more catalog, but I have an idea to bring to my team. I'd like a small section for the 2-5 year old age range and then a larger structure for the K-5th graders. We'll see what happens!

Trunk & Treat II

I worry, I get a little miffed and then, as usual, people at church come through. Only two weeks before Halloween...but they came through! I just wish we didn't work on "WPC Time" for EVERYTHING!

The goal was 10 cars...that would represent 10 additional "houses," in our neighborhood...just all compacted into a smaller space! I made one last announcement after church and I think I have all 10...woo hoo!

Now I need to find judges. My mom is going to to do it and I am going to turn her car into a San Jose Shark! I think I am going to wear my Dorothy costume and decorate my car "Wizard of OZ" and make my trunk the Emerald City. I need to do publicity this week and work out the logistics. I am just happy it is going to be a GO!

"How Great is Our God"

I am sitting in the Nursery/Toddler Room having just done Major Cleaning Part II. As far as I know the rat still has not been caught, but I still had to prep. the other changing room and go on another toss the junk out spree! I ditched the old VCR (which I admit I should have done ages ago), dusted everything, cleaned everything, went through and tossed a bunch of stuff. We have no sort of pre-school so all this stuff in here does not need to be in here.

So, I am taking a short break and listening to some Tomlin. "How Great is Our God" comes on and I just pause and smile. In Sacramento I was taking Sue Thomas back to the Green Room so she could get settled before she spoke and to get her product table set up and Shane & Shane were on stage doing their sound check. They were singing the song and it was loud enough (and Sue being deaf...couldn't hear my awful voice) so I was singing when I passed another volunteer also singing and we just high fived each other as we passed each other doing our jobs. Not a big deal...but just one of those moments that were really cool.

I finally went to the Youth Worker network in our area and it was a three hour meeting...but a good one. It was awesome to hear this group be so Kingdom minded and not territorial. I'm basically going to take back info to Melia and the Maxwells...but I want to help where I can. As I said after NYWC I know where God is taking me in terms of youth ministry right now...just not sure how it will play out.

More than anything I would love to apply for the position at YS...but I know that's not in the cards right now. But I look at it each day and sigh...

My small group starts back up and I am excited about it! I have missed it a lot!

One Down...

From the "OC Register:"

"Then again, they will be at the disadvantage of having the opportunity to sleep as much as they wanted Tuesday night. They won two in a row on scant and interrupted sleep. Both Orlando Cabrera and Rodriguez said they forgot to pack clothes in the time crunch at home Monday.

"I was home for like eight hours and everything was dirty," Rodriguez said.

The Angels were the first team in baseball postseason history to play three consecutive games in three cities."

Amazing. I won't be surprised if they drop tonight's game because all that sleep is sure to be somewhat of a letdown after the last few days! Last night I shut the front door so should any neighbors be outside they would not hear me shouting.

I am not sure when I became such a sports fan. Growing up, I hated football (though I would watch the Super Bowl) and wasn't all that fond of baseball. But, when I was in college I had a roomie who was a HUGE Seahawks fan (being from Renton, WA) and it was learn to like it or find something else to do Sundays.

When I was working in Day Care/Day Camps I found just a little sports knowledge went a long way with the boys. So, I started reading the Sports pages, going to Angel games and my inner sports fan came out!

RATS!

Well...rat...one...in our Nursery. The used sticky rat traps...the rat didn't stick. Why do we have them??? Due to contsruction going on next door. The only good thing coming out of it is they had to demolish our playground for the time being and will replace it all! "I" get "my" new playground! God rocks! I also get to work with my vision team on knocking out walls and really redoing the Nursery! I am excited about that as we are having a kid explosion!

Emotions...

NYWC is over (for me) and for the second week it is back to the "grind." Actually, Sunday was a lot of fun. I helped on of my teachers with her class and I got to see what I pretty much already knew...Sara rocks! And, I got to see the 4th and 5th graders make part of a "movie trailer" about Isaiah and his prophesies regarding Jesus.

But, this also means that "play time" with Rob is over. This is not a bad thing...but I also know it's not an easy thing. All weekend I knew he was going to ask me to pick and area/issue and we'd start (again) there. The first thing I told him was that I knew he was going to say that and that I had been thinking about it. The problem was...I had no answer. So, I paused and thought about it and other than the lyrics of Chris Tomlin's "Unfailing Love" going through my head...the word "emotions" came up.

After almost three years of working with Rob it didn't totally surprise me to hear him say that was what he was also thinking. So this is the area we are going to dwell on and live with and struggle with, etc.

Here's the deal. Most of the time I have no clue what I am feeling. On top of that, I am afraid of feeling "negative" (I put that in quotes because emotions are neither good nor bad...they just are) emotions because I am afraid of losing control. In fact, a good 90% of the time I know what I "should" feel and so I react accordingly. I can and do feel something for another person. I can watch "Three Wishes," "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," or lately the news and tear up. I look at anything that could be painful for ME and I'm clueless.

We talked about the fact I am just days from being 13 months purge free and 10 days from being one year self-harm free. We also talked about how I have done a good job of cutting off my emotions at the first twinge of feeling anything because I don't want that to set me off. Rob thinks that is why I think I could turn back to the behaviors so easily...because I could get overwhelmed by feelings because I don't allow myself to feel them/deal with them.

Then I changed the subject to the 49er game. Okay, it was when we had about 5 minutes left and he laughed...but I guess I shouldn't have done that. So, I am to ponder all of this between now and Thursday and we'll jump in!

Yipes!

They WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Yankess go home (darn....hehehehehe) and the Angels go on to Chicago for Game One! I am soooo excited! I also realize I have no short sleeved Angel clothing...I may need to rectify that! Since moving away, both games I have been to have needed me to buy long sleeved clothing.

I was a little afraid of what might happen when they took Colon out...but he hasn't been my favorite pitcher this season anyway. I really wish the game was pushed back one day because of the rainout in NY...but Byrd will be fairly fresh and I am sure there will be some rest on the plane...not a lot...but hopefully enough.

It is times like this where I really miss OC...but by the same token I also know that this is where God wants me. So, for now I will have to be content watching this all from afar!

Most of the Gane

I put this up here because I want you to see and pray for the aweome people I worked with at NYWC. This is some of the volunteers...no staff (rats) and one beached whale...but I'll let that go for this time only!

Two Down...

You can take the girl out of the "OC," but you can't take the "OC" out of the girl! One more game! One more game and they move on! I am sooooo excited and hate that I am here instead of there. Okay, they are playing in NY and even if I still lived in Orange County I wouldn't be ging to a game...but there would be the ESPN Zone!

I told Rob yesterday I was glad the Angels had clinched before NYWC started so I could keep track. I think if it had been a game or so later, I might not have known until I finally looked at mlb.com Sunday.

I would love to see then back in the Series this year! No Yankees! I also want them to play against a team other than San Diego!!!

More NYWC Pix

I wish I had a lot more pix...but I really didn't have time. I am wearing my T-shirt from PDCM this morning and as I was thinking about it on my way to the church, a thought came to me. PDCM gave me confidence in what I am doing in my job as Director of Children's Ministry. Even with all the summer trauma drama...I knew that what we are doing here is right and on the right track for us at this time. The drama just helped me flesh it out better and helped me see that this is truly where God wants me right now.

Even though I caught only bits and pieces of NYWC the whole experience helped to show me who I am as a child of God. I haven't had a chance to process it out much more than that and express exactly what I mean...but it's a good thing!

Other Stuff Than NYWC

I just need to get this out becauase all of a sudden it is bugging me!

We are looking at companies to do our background checks. One of them links us to Megan's Law. I couldn't resist. I had to look up the man who molested me to see how far we are apart...to see if he moved back to the Bay Area. He didn't. He lives in Merced County. The picture...well...didn't look anything like I remember...but I was 12 and his face is fuzzy anyway...just not the rest of it! He's 65 now and did not age well.

I am guessing it is him. I mean the name fits, the charge fits...

I need to tell Rob what I did. I was fine about it until about a 1/2 hour ago.

Me and my "bright" ideas...

Some Pix...

Jumping on the Band Wagon

Thanks to Marko...I decided I had to be a follower and do this as well:


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HQ...Just Ask Us...

Yesterday at breakfast, Tic was sharing observations from each area. He talked about how we at HQ could answer a question when it was only 1/2 way asked. It was true. But then there were questions such as, "We are looking for vegetables." That took me a second. Then, and I mean NO offense, I saw they were from the south and said, "I take you mean fried veggies?" They smiled at said, "Yup." I then said, "Welcome to California...it won't happen in this part of town." So we talked options and I sent them on their merry way to PF Chang's.

There is also the group who are forever in my debt because I could send them to an Old Spaghetti Factory just a few blocks from the convention center. Meal times were a very big thing and knowing where to send them and listening to places others fund and liked was important.

It also plays to read the "Jump" notebook. Those that know me know I will take every map, piece of paper, and emails received about volunteering and memorize all of it as best I can. Someone came up and asked who to speak to about being a seminar speaker. Immediately someone said, "Michelle." I said no, that is on site...but there is another contact from YS because I just read it in the notebook. She told me it was so Michelle. So, I pulled out a notebook and sure enough...it was Alex Roller. As I told someone else in HQ...before I started college I pretty much memorized out college catalog and it is a practice that serves me well...I hate giving wrong information!

There really weren't too many nutty questions. The convention center was odd. It has three floors...but you cannot get from 1st to 3rd as in get into an elevator and got from 1 to 2 to 3. To get to the 2nd floor you had to either enter from the west lobby and up the stairs or from the J Street lobby go up the escalators, down the hall, down the stairs and down two ramps. To get from the first to third floor you either took the escalators/elevator from the J St. lobby or start from the west lobby and reverse the 3rd to 2nd floor directions. We learned it was faster to tell people to go out the doors and to the left to get to the Sheraton, but to go back to the west lobby to get to the Hyatt.

It's also amazing how much time the YS Staff needs to spend getting ready for Pittsburgh (which makes sense) and Nashville and at the same time keep Sacramento running well. They are amazing people! Between running hither and yon and being "Nexteled" every two minutes and answering stuff we couldn't...wow! Keep them in prayer as they do a quick turnaround and get ready for Pittsburgh!

Home Again...

Where do I start? I had great intentions of going into work today...not gonna happen. I am exhausted...a GOOD exhausted...but exhausted just the same. The kicker? I would go to Pittsburgh or Nashville in a second of they nedded me! It's worth every 15 hour day, worth every pound of product I lifted, carried, packed and arranged. Worth hearing, "Where is the Hyatt?" "Where is the Sheraton?" "Where is the soda machine?" (behind you), etc. It is worth me doing something to my knee while packing up yesterday and lugging stuff through the pain, it is worth missing 99% of the convention (hey...getting 1:1 time with SCC and having Chris Tomlin rock me in the comfy chair in the Green Room and getting to see Les Christie on a daily basis did more for me than anything...plus I have CDs to listen to at anytime!).

One of my fellow HQ volunteers asked me if it was hard being here and not currently being in YM. I think I was a little surprised at how easy it was. I had told my SP before I left that I really felt that God has been leading (at least for now) me to be an encouragement to youth workers. I think I can be a great resource in the areas of EDs and SI (started listening to Marv's seminar...but then I pulled up at home) and I love hearing their stories, etc. That is why HQ was the perfect place for me! I didn't have that gut wrenching pain in my heart that I feared could happen when I applied to volunteer. I feel as if I got confirmation for this pahse of my life. I have no clue how God is going to use me to encourage other Youth Workers, bus as I went through the Labryinth and spent time in the Prayer Chapel...I have no doubt it's going to happen one way or another.

There are some cool perks being a volunteer...and, well...some of the talk I heard from some others disturbed me...but with the exception of the housing...I would do it without all the other perks because it is my time to serve, my time to encourage and my time to give back for all the encouragement I have received over the years. Not just from YS (thought that has been HUGE)...but from mentors and peers as well.

The hardest part about being home is being a situation where there was no smoke, no "colorful" language (that I heard at HQ at any rate) and being with people who got it. Now I am home and all the above is already part of my life again. Oddly, it isn't bugging me...yet.

Only 27 More Shopping Days...

My b-day is in 27 days...one of my fellow HQ volunteers thought I was 10 years younger than I am...woo hoo!

I think the only reason I thought about my b-day was because I had a few minutes of uninterrupted time with Steven Curtis Chapman in the Green Room. My friend Anna and I used to take each other to concerts for our B-days and he was one of my b-day concerts. He has such a heart for youth workers and I wanted to tell him how much that has meant to me...so it was cool. I felt a little like a dork and wasn't going to go back...but a YS staffer told me I should go back and talk to him...so I did.

Tonight I had from 7 PM on off...and I took it! :) I went to most of the General Session...sat in the Green Room and had my chair rocked by Chris Tomlin...and did what Tic encouarged us to do...look out at the hall from the stage POV...it was awesome and had me in tears. Right before the speaker I left and spent about a 1/2 hour or so in the Prayer Chapel...if you are reading this...please pray for me. There is something I want to do...but still have my tone sitting there for now! I then went out to dinner (I ate THREE meals today...I am still hungry though...ugh) and get a late day tomorrow! I am going through the Labryinth at 8:10 tomorrow morning.

I cannot believe tomorrow is the last full day. Thank God (literally) we don't have to change shirts tomorrow...we get to stay in the same one all day! DCB will lead worship for the rest of NYWC and I am looking forward to that.

Oh...for all of you going to Pitt. and Nashvegas...make sure you make time to go see the One Life Experience!!

The Aftermath

So...

I stood up to answer a question and got really dizzy. That is my cue to force food down my throat no matter what, no matter how much my body protests and no matter how much I want to throw it up afterward.

I left HQ and found a place that was actually open! So, I ate...and really didn't overdo it...I just haven't had much in my body since dinner Tuesday night. I am realy fighting to keep it down and not in I wanna purge it, but more of I feel really, really full and am not sure how much of a choice I am going to have! I am just trying to relax and know that salmon is a GOOD food and the mushrooms are not going to kill me.

So, I know I need to even my food out and get back on track the rest of the weekend. Toni said she'd work with me to get me there after we see how far I have slipped...but I think I can pick it back up before I see her next week.

I took Frederick with me today. I really didn't want to explain that the dog belongs to my therapist and I wanted to have it with me since I won't see him until Thursday, so I said it belongs to a friend (hey...he calls me that at times) and I take it everyplace with me. He was pretty much out of the way, but I liked having him in the booth. Truthfully, I am fine without seeing Rob. I email him every day and just update him and I know I would have been fine without Frederick...but he is a great extra pillow! :)

I see how easily I could fall back into it all and it is encouraging that while the thoughts are there...the actions really don't go along with them. Afterall, in the not so distant past I would have gone ahead and purged and as I was using the box cutter tonight...the thoughts I had about using it in other ways (I was frustrated with some stuff) didn't go far. I guess I am getting more "comfortable" with the thoughts just being there and me not trying to fight them and end up in a stressed out tizzy!

Tomorrow is SCC and I am sooooooo excited. That is the one day I plan on using my All Access pass to hang in the Green Room and at least get to say hello. I also want to register for The Core. I bought the shirt the guy staff members wore today (we had a pink one that is totally different) and the red track jacket. I also got a free DC/LA Alumni T-shirt. I can just rotate the shirts each week for now on! :)

Sigh...

I so need to get a grip. I am really doing fine and I am LOVING what I am doing at HQ...but I also cannot eat at all. I am starving...I mean I am getting really hungry but the thought of food turns my stomach and the thought of food makes me want to cry.

But, enough of my whining.

Today we took a prayer walk to pray for each area of the NYWC. As we stood on stage to pray for those attending...I found myself in tears...it was awesome to look out at 3500 or so seats and knowing who might be filling those seats. To hear the laughter because of the Skit Guys and seeing people on their knees in worship has been a total blessing! I have barely left the booth since yesterday because I don't want to miss what God is doing here...plus I am a people person! :)

Day ONE...

I keep trying to post pix and it's not working...even with high speed wi-fi. I have some "before" pix as we were getting ready and wanted to do "after" pix as we beginng with the 1st General Session tomorrow.

Today was the first day in HQ and we answered questions, ran a few errands and gave out a TON of candy. The stupid little ED voice rejoices in the fact that as EVERYONE (and I do mean everyone....even Marko who ate my Smarties...I wouldn't have eaten them anyway) was munching on chocolate and Red Vines...I would not allow myself as much as a Tootsie Roll...or much of anything else. I had about 1/4 of a small bag of trail mix, two gum balls (from the Remuda Ranch booth no less!) and a just had a granola bar. I feel like I have done nothing but eat sinceI got here and since I sit, it makes it harder to convince myself that since I am no longer lugging hundreds of pounds worth of books, that I still need to eat.

The best thing was actually having a Remuda Ranch staff person to process my thinking with. We talked about that even thought I am so glad I am here and am really feeling "good" stress...stress is stress and my body is doing what it always does...shuts down my hunger center and goes into focus/perfection mode which means I don't feel hunger cues. I am here to do a job (one I have been waiting to do for YEARS mind you) and nothing is going to prevent me from being the best I can be...that usually means no food because that takes time away from the task at hand.

Then there is the stupid little power trip my head goes on because others needed to go eat and I was fine (scary thing is...I really AM doing fine) with nothing. It's a control issue for sure. I can control my food and that "helps" me control what I need to in my little area...until someone is asking me a question and then two other people on either side also asks me a question and my brian just stops.

I need to force myself to eat...no matter what and allow myself a Tootsie Pop if I want one!

NYWC Starts TOMORROW!!!

I should be asleep...I have staff meeting in eight hours...but I am wide awake! I finished early (meaning HQ team didn't have to go back after dinner) and thought I would actually go to bed early...but that is so not happening. I am not sure if it is because I am excited about the start of NYWC in the AM or nervous or what. I am looking forward to all of it and with two exceptions...am content to be at HQ all 12 hours if need be. I want to see SCC and Ted Dekker...other than that I'm good!

I am nervous/looking forward to meeting people from the various forums and possibly seeing people I have not seen in a "bazillion" years...but mostly I don't want to screw up and give out the wrong info. For those who know me well...that means that yes, I have looked at the notebook over and over and over and over, semi-memorized the schedule, etc. I just want God to do with me this week (and always) what He needs me to do...I am really open to "whatever." Of course, should "whatever" also mean getting to re-meet Steven Curtis Chapman...I would be a happy camper!

So, it is time to post this and try and get some sleep. Love my roomie...but she snores...big time! More to come!

NYWC Day 2...

I'm sore, I'm a little sleepy...but I an up and ready to get our final full day of prep going! One of the veteran volunteers said I was the toughest guy they have! That is because I lugged many hundreds of pounds worth of YS product around the store! If you are going...buy...buy...buy! I finally broke down and took a break when I went to lift a 23 pound box and I couldn't do it. So, I collapsed on the floor for about 10 minutes and started back in again and almost finished...if we hadn't been leaving for dinner soon after being excused...I would have stayed and finished.

I hate to say it...but I am actually eating MORE since I have been here. I hate it...but there is no way I could have done what I managed to do yesterday if I hadn't had some fruit and a piece of toast in the AM and a cup of veggie soup at lunch. So, I repeated that today.

Frederick will join me at HQ tomorrow and I told Mindi I have him with me!

I still can't believe I am here...the hard work doesn't bother me, the soreness is a good sore so it's all good and I really love this city!

I admit I have been a YS junkie ever since my first one dat event eons ago and this just feeds that fire...I can't describe it yet...but to be a small part of this team this week is an honor and something I know I won't forget.

Oh...and I get to wear a PINK t-shirt!!!!!!!!! Doesn't take much to make me happy!

Only a Few More Days!!!

In a few short days I will be headed to Sacramento to be a volunteer at the National Youth Worker's Convention! After being turned down three years in a row...I finally get to make a return! The last time I was at a convention was 2001 in Dallas!

I remember my first convention. It was in San Diego and I was allowed to go (the only volunteer my church ever sent while I was there) with the paid staff as a kind of "reward" for bending to their will. Basically, I was directing a play at another church and it did NOT interfere with my duties as a volunteer at my church and the Pastor of Christian Ed. and thr youth staff were ticked. So, I had to either step down at the Crystal Cathedral or quit directing the play. I quit and they rewarded me by sending me to NYWC with the paid staff and our new YP.

We got there a little late...just as the first main session was starting. But, like it was yesterday, I can still remember Yac's entrance. He was carried in as if he was Cleopatra (okay...he was a man...but you get the picture) and then he went into the "usual" opening spiel that I have NEVER tired of. Prior to 2001, the last NYWC I had attended was 1997 and it was so nice to hear those familiar words!

After that year I was hooked and managed to scrimp, save and ask for registration costs as a B-day present for the next few years. 1997 turned out to be my last convention as I started my first job as a 1/4 time Youth Director, my first foray into volunteer Children's Ministry and my first stint at Remuda Ranch. When I moved to Indiana...the first thing I aksed about was NYWC and they gladly shipped me off to Dallas!

I know it will be a different ball game this time. I wouldn't have volunteered otherwise. But, I think I am at a place in my life where I want to find some way to give back to the other youth workers attending. Okay, getting to probably see some friends is a great pull as well...and oh my gosh I hope I get to see Les Christie...but that is not my motivation.

I have been trying to wrap up everything here and other than some copies of lessons I am done. Sunday I need to do our last Children's Church lesson (then my Elder will take over for a bit. Truth be told...she loves to teach and using the DVD it's not the same for her!) and after church do a Biblemaniacs Oreintation for October and I am set. Come home, do laundry, put gas in the car and on Monday go see Rob and leave right from his office. I am really hoping I get to bring Frederick with me. I emailed Rob and asked, but I haven't heard back.

I think another positive is my SP is okay with me doing this...that he feels confident enough with what I am doing here right now that this is a positive thing for me. It is my vacation time so he can't tell me what I can or can't do on said vacation...but I am really happy is good with me doing this!

Foe those going to Sacramento...track me down! I'd love to meet you!

Heading Toward Another Milestone...

Today marks the 11 months since the last time I have self-harmed and also means it has been 11 months that I have not used purging and cutting at the same time... meaning where BOTH behaviors have ceased. That is almost the bigger milestone. Now if I can throw three meals into the mix that would be good...but food/meals is still a HUGE issue for me...but we are working on it!

I hate it...but I have the exercise under control and I hope in another 4 weeks or so I can get either a 4th day OR be able to add a group exercise class. I asked Toni and even yoga is out for now. It would be so easy to not stick to our agreement and do what I want to do at the gym...but sooner or later it'd be found out. I am a LOUSY liar and you can only hide over-exercising too long. I my case it would be a LONG time...but still. Plus it would get me nowhere and I want recovery...there are just days that I want to chuck it all. I do not think I am alone in that though.

Kids Club...

About a year ago, my SP and I were approached by Church Resource Network about starting an after school Kids Club at the local elementary school. He and I had been talking about outreach and this was perfect! A few months later...we started and had a good few months.

San Jose Unified closed school...AGAIN...and the population of our school doubled so we knew that we wouldn't be starting Kids Club right away which was fine...I have been having a really hard time recruiting anyone! People work so it's hard to find those who are available at 2:45 PM once a week!

Yesterday, I found out that Trace does not have room for us. Truly, I do not see this as a bad thing. One of my leaders has some stuff going on at home and she is one of the Jr. High leaders to boot and that keeps her busy. My other leader may end up losing her job with the whole Hewlett Packard downsizing and I have enough to deal with! The GOOD thing is we have a relationship with the principal so there are other ways we can serve that school.

Before she became principal at Trace she was the principal of the school directly across the street and members of our church volunteered in the classroom and the library. I see us reaching out in that way again. Plus, as long as we get district approval, we can send Trunk & Treat flyers home with the kids as well as other events AND their choir sings at the community Christmas Tree Lighting for our neighborhood.

The lack of volunteers? The one thing I have to say about our members is they take the Great Commission as a suggestion and it isn't real in their lives. I know that is a goal for the coming year(s) to get our members to not just think globally (we do a GREAT job with overseas and some local missionaries), but to think about those in their own lives and in our community.

Okay, off to finish some manual rewrites and get October curriculum ready!

It's Time For Biblemaniacs!

I really don't like that name...but until we can come up with something better...I will continue to use it. The good thing is, my SP is not "married" to the name and it can be changed.

We use the Workshop Rotation Model (WoRM) and it was one of the things that drew me here 3 years ago. I had heard of it while in Indiana and LOVED the concept, the creativity, the not having teachers sign their life away for a whole year, etc. We use a curriuculum and from time to time I gop ahead and write my own lesson because I don't their choices for the topic.

This year the overall theme is "Messiah," and this month the kids are looking at David through art and the Psalms, through "fun," (games like an obstacle course and trying to hit a target as tall as Goliath with a nylon knee-high and a wiffle ball) and through food (pizza maps). The stories/concepts do stay with the kids. After they are excused from the service (after the SP's Children's Message) and we meet in Mission Hall I ask them what they have learned, what they know, etc. It has been so encouraging to hear even the 5 year olds tell me what thye have learned! I love our teachers!

I wish I could see the "Soul Kitchen" today. Making a map of the Divided Kingdom out of pizza ingredients should be interesting. It is the older group this week. I have the younger kids in the "Creation Station." We talk about the Pslams attributed to David and then they take watercolor paper and paint it. Afterward they take a portion of a Psalm on acetate and frame it. Hard to describe...I need to take a picture of a finished project. I NEED to keep my camera here!

I am off to make copies, chop veggies for the pizzas and go over the lesson for Children's Church!

Trunk & Treat

Okay, I know we are a few weeks away...but have you seen the stores???

Anyway, I before you all tell me how unoriginal I am, I KNOW that. But, I have wanted to do this even the past couple years and now I get to!

This year, we will do our first "Trunk & Treat" event. The reason why I am so excited is because it is in conjuntion with Church in Community and the High School group! :) I have felt that our different ministries and committees don't work together enough on events, outreach, etc. To bring a few of us together will generate enthusiasm and that is awesome!

So, we are going to ask families/ministries/individuals to decorate their cars and then have candy available. As the kids in our area trick or treat, they can come into our parking lot and go from car to car! The cars will be judged and be awarded ribbons.

The High School group will be on the front lawn with candy/balloons and direct people to the parking lot. We will also have a cut out of "something" and then take instant pix for the kids to take home. This is my first attempt at a "large" Children's Ministry event and I hope and pray it we get people who will decorate their cars and make this a fun event!

A Milestone...

As of tomorrow I will be....

ONE YEAR PURGE FREE!!!!

I am excited...but I also know that while my behaviors have been brought under control and I know the "whys" of the urges at times...there is a long way to go. Most of the behavior stuff has been quelled by sheer willpower. I really see that over the past few weeks as I have been back to the gym.

Yesterday I walked in and Rob says, "Still friends?" My first thought was to remind him that we are NOT friends and he knows it bothers me. But, under the circumstances, I let it slide. I also arrived with a 1/2 dozen homemade brownies. I know I didn't have to, I know I really didn't do anything wrong...but I still felt bad for raising my voice to him. He always asks if he could have one right away. Like I would say no. He took one bite and told me I missed my calling. Heck, I am glad there are a few people I can bake for.

For those who read this...if I have one prayer request...it would be that I can see me as God sees me. Not as my mother sees me, not as I see me (because of how my mother sees me)...but that what I know in my head to be true I can absorb into my heart.

The Mom Filter

Yesterday, I emailed Rob and apologized for raising my voice to him. I had no reason to and have been feeling a couple things. I was feeling bad for doing it in the first place and scared to death of him because he had raised his voice to me as well and while it wasn't anywhere near how loud my mom can get...it's a voice I never want to provoke in him again.

I got a email back from him telling me that I didn't need to apologize and that he was sorry for raising his voice at me and for being too firm with me. Since he brought it up I told him I didn't think he was too firm, but that the voice raising was felt through the "mom filter" I already had going and it scared me to the point of not wanting to come back on Thursday. I know he would never intnetionally do anything to hurt me and the fear I feel has nothing to do with him and everything to do with getting screamed at by my mom. He was not as loud as she was, or as angry (a little frustrated), but it took me back to a place of just wanting to hide and stay out of his way.

It should make tomorrow and interesting session. I will go, I will talk this through with him and we will move on...but the pull to bail is so strong. I have about 5 hours left that I can bail without having to pay for the session anyway.

????????????????

I asked Toni for the extra 15 minutes and she agreed to it. I saw what I did as the smart thing to do. I didn't decide that I knew better than she did, I didn't do it first and ask permission later, I didn't lie about it, etc. But now it has become a huge issue of confusion.

I had CC'd Rob with it so he knew I was asking Toni and why I wanted the time. Yesterday he asked me why I did that and that started a whole thing about control and being dependent on Toni. I'm still really confused and don't want to say too much while he and I pound this issue out...but what I told him was I saw it as no different than how I view our agreement should I purge/cut. I do that and I have to do a BCA on the whys and what what I was feeling, etc. It's a verbal agreement. Toni and I basically have a verbal exercise agreement. I also don't see anything wrong with giving her control over how much I exercise because if she didn't set the limits she knows, Rob knows and I know I would be there 2 1/2 hours 5 or 6 days a week. As I learn to be okay with moderate exercise and see the benefits of it...the controls will go away.

It got a little heated (very new...I hated it) and we found a "mom filter." He never once told me that what I dis was "bad" or "wrong," but that is the way I filtered everything and now I need to learn to see it so I can tell him before I "sink" when it happens.

Sigh...

Quick Post

Grrrr...

Today was Day 2 of my 45 minutes at the gym. It CANNOT be done! I need at least and hour to get any decent strength training in!!! So, I am off to write an email to Toni and Rob...BEGGING them to let me go!

It's Not About Weight!!!

How many times have I heard that since my first purge 16 years ago??? A lot! Every book, all the experts, friends, etc. In turn, I have said it to others. It's just a symptom of what is going on, you need to look beyond the scale, you need to launch the scale into the wild blue yonder, blah, blah, blah. And, while I think we all come to a place where we DO see it...I am beginning to think there is a part of us that doesn't buy it and EDs are more about weight than anyone is willing to tell us. But, in the past weeks I have come to learn...and I pray really and truly learn and believe that the weight truly IS a symptom. Let me explain...

In years past, I have been obsessed with the scale. At my worst I would jump off and on probably 10 times a day. Before a purge, after a purge, first thing in the morning, last thing at night, if I woke up in the middle of the night, after the gym, etc. Much to Toni's dismay, I took it out again and have been really good about not getting on it each day. She thinks I put it away...not bloody likely! Anyway, it had been 2-3 days since my last foray onto the scales and the number had dropped...more than I thought it would (yet I am still a beached whale) and yet it did NOT make me happy.

Well...there was a moment of elation and knew my two hour+ workouts were doing the job (more about that later). Then, like a hammer, it hit me...the number does not represent to me only the loss of pounds...it means control! Each pound means that I am gaining control. Control of what? Working on that one...but control nonetheless.



So, I have been sick for a week. I literally forced myself through my two hour workout last Friday because I was not feeling well and am still paying for it. As I met with Toni this week she told me point blank that all the overexercising lowers immunity and that it needs to stop...NOW. I need to keep my workouts to 45 minutes total...three times a week. She doesn't care how I break that time up...but I need to try and only go three days. I want to try and go back tomorrow, but since it feels like I have a small elephant on my chest...I may out it off another day. I'd be more upset about it...but all I have wanted to do is go to work and then come home and sleep!

Rules....

I am still trying to figure out this slide, why overexercising seems to be my behavior of choice lately, and why everyone has started playing food police!

As Rob has been helping me try to untangle what is in my head...something dawned on me. We were talking about the rules I have for food, the obvious rules I now have for exercise, etc. As I sat cuddling Frederick, it dawned on me that I have the rules, even if they cause me a ton of stress, because I am afraid my life will be chaos without them! Growing up I had no rules (and therefore no feelings of security) and had to make my own to survive. Now these rules have "turned" on me and are controlling me. Yet, the thought of letting them go is honestly terrifying. Not that I don't long for the peace and healthy control letting go would give me in time...but the thought of letting them go and having to create new ones scares me to no end!

As I was reading "Group" last week...there was a sidebar on anorexia. While I am ED-NOS...my mindset tracks with anorexics. I remember the first time I went to Remuda. I barely scored on the chart for bulimia and off the chart for anorexia. Anyway, the sidebar was talking about anorexics and legalism and that teaching grace is a HUGE thing for these teenage girls. Oh my gosh...did that ever make sense to me! I think that is probably why I started to figure out the rules thing with Rob.

He keeps talking about layers. I think we are both realizing, as we near the three year mark in November, that we have still barely touched the surface in some ways. The way I am seeing things right now is that rules helped to keep me alive when I was younger and if I don't start trying to break free of them...they will kill me in the end.

Update of Sorts...

There is a million things I need to be doing...but I have zippo concentration today. Not even sure why.

I am still trying to figure out what has prompted this slide of sorts. Monday I sat in Rob's office and for the first time in many, many, MANY months told him I wanted to purge. Okay...I had nothing in my body, but something must have touched an emotional nerve. I know I was little irked because he thought I was being all avoidy girl when I talked about the Biblemaniacs meeting from the day before. I wasn't. I think he forgets that I am on PROBATION here and that something as a failed meeting could mean my demise. So, I pretty much emailed him that later Monday afternoon.

Part of me thinks this is way more about control than the other part of me is willing to admit. On the surface, things seem GREAT. Other than the blip on Sunday, progress is being made on the goals my SP set, I am excited for the coming year in ministry, etc. But, if I allow myself to be still long enough I also know that this is a hugely stressful time for me and add on the depression and it makes sense. Why don't I tell Rob this? I have no clue. I am really trying to not allow this "lack of control" in other areas of my life carry over to ED stuff...but it's hard.

Into my third week to the gym and I already feel guilty for not going yesterday. My compromise with Toni is only three days a week...but I am finding it hard. I can't wait to get there today and burn, burn, burn!

That's the other thing. I don't see 3x a week at all bad for what I am doing. If I were at it 5-6 times a week or 2x a day then I would think Toni should be concerned. But only teo hoyrs three days a week? Bah! Rob agrees with me. He says that he can't see how there could be too much of a good thing like exercise. Of course, I take that to mean because I am such a beached whale I need all the gym time I can get...but I also know that's wonky thinking and that he didn't mean it that way.

Kick Off Sunday is this week and I reserved "The Incredibles" bounce house from http://www.astrojump.com. I need to get medical release forms ready and my picture display. I have most of the pic printed out...but I think I'll do that at home. I am supposed to have Friday off (as the office is closed on Mondays, Friday is our Labor Day holiday), but there is too much to do.

This is where is true test of recovery now lies: Do I manage to squeak out where I think the control issues are (eating my words from Monday's denials?), or do I give him my crack pot theory and see where that leads?