Great Night!!

Last night went really well for a first time event and one I wasn't so sure I could pull off. Knowing that I am not 100% out of the woods with my job, this had to go well with very few glitches.

Here are a few of the pictures I took last night. The first one is the top of my car. I did a "Teddy Bear Picnic" theme and raided my room for stuffed animals and then the 3-5 year old class for cups, play food, etc. I also had stuff on the hood of the car as well.

The second car belongs to my SP. It was an awesome theme! The kids took fishing polls and "caught" their treat.

The third car was a couple in our church. The whole trunk is a cat. I never would have thought of it. I LOVED it!

The 4th picture is a family in our church! Their van was "Star Wars" themed (obviously). Lily made a GREAT Yoda! Her ears kept falling off all night though!

It was a bit of a slow start because the kids simply weren't there. But, slowly they came and we made some adjustments (like unblocking our entrances) and the feedback was all positive.

I wasn't sure at first because things were so slow. Should we have tried to do it out front somehow? Did we need to rent additional lights? Although, why the hurry -up and wait was happening...the fellowship our members were having was awesome! It was a very diverse group of people who made up this event. We had one no show and that was fine because we had one last minute "drive up" participant so I had my 12 and that was 2 over my goal! My mom did a car and so she got to know some other people from church and that was a neat thing.

Once things got going and the kids/parents realized that were there to simply hand out candy and be an active participant in the neighborhood the kids stayed and parents talked to our participants and were able to enjoy cider and hot chocolate provided at one of the cars! The parents I spoke to were very happy we had this available for their kids. As we were cleaning up, the people that participated were very happy they chose to do this and I think will do it again next year! In fact, the family that provided the hot drinks said they will do a BBQ next year! Greg owns a catering business and that was a wonderful offer! He was so enthusiastic about the whole event it was really neat to see.

I'm really trying to just stick with the positives of the event and not the things that I should have done better or organized a little better. I'm sure I will hear about that today...even though my SP was very positive last night. There should have been a little bit better signage (putting signs up to the restroom didn't occur to me), the tape should have been taken down sooner, etc. We have already decided next year I won't do a car so I am around more for logistics and to take pictures and all that "scut work" stuff. Someone suggested we do door hangers for next yesr which is a great idea! I also think the BBQ and word of mouth from this year will be a huge help! If we are back in the elementary school next year with Kids Club that would be huge help as well.

I really did like that we didn't have a lot of our own kids there except for the ones who live in the area. We really didn't push for it. While it was an all church event, it was really meant for our neighborhood. When our church was founded, the building was not where it stands today. One thing they put in the charter when looking for a new spot was to find a place with unchurched children and a place to be active in the life of the neighborhood. This was over 70 years ago! Children and outerach to our neighbors have always been core values of our church. As it grows I can see kids trick or treating in their neighborhoods and then coming to the church for additional candy and fun times, but I really want this event to stay focused outward.

We didn't hand anything out about the church, we didn't really invite people to church unless they started the conversation. From what I understand, that did happen several times. So, I hope we do have some families come and see what we're up to and what we have to offer! I know some people may think we were foolish not to do more, but I'll say one thing...the fact that no one made comments when some of the more "questionable" costumes came through our parking lot spoke more to parents and the kids than any flyer we could have handed them.

Scared Spitless

In a little less than three hours Trunk & Treat will begin! I am excited, but I am also very anxious! I wish I had a seroquel...haven't wanted one of those in a very long time! :)

Please, God...let this go well for our neighborhood! Please let them see this as it is...a way for us to be involved in our neighborhood and let them know we care! And selfishly...please don't let me fall flat on my face!

Quick Post

I'll say more later...but my birthday royally had much in common with a vacuum cleaner.

Mel remembered, another friend remembered and sent me a really funny e-card...but no one at church remembered and I got to top off my birthday with my mom singing happy b-day to herself as I got my cake. Her birthday is in April.

I feel like I ate a giant grease ball because I didn't want pizza (see post below) and it's just like a glob of fat in my stomach.

I have not had a good birthday since 2000. Well...2002 cuz Billy sent me a rose plant and that was the highlight of that year...but I wish I could erase either me or the date off the calendar.

Perspective...I Am a Spoiled Brat!

I should be working on Trunk & Treat stuff...But I can't get yesterday's session out of my head.

It is very interesting how Rob and I view stuff. I also know that he is right and I am wrong and it is going to take some time to get my brain straightened out. I told him that my reactions to things are in a "default" mode. That at the first sign of feeling a "negative" emotion that my default action is to want to cut to get rid of it or express it that way. He then told me I can count on that happening for a long time, but that it will subside.

After everything with my birthday and telling him about it...I told him I sound like a spoiled brat who isn't getting her way. Okay, first I told him that I don't know why I bother to use my voice because my family refuses to hear it and what I say doesn't matter. But, as we continued to talk, I told him I felt I was sounding like a spoiled brat. He assured me I was not and that not being heard is a disappointing thing.

We also talked about my "default mode." I told him that I can't be afraid to feel "bad stuff" just because I want to cut when that happens. That's when he said it is important for us process this stuff so I won't want to cut.

Then I went to a movie. I went to see "Good Night and Good Luck." LOVED it!

My Family Drives Me NUTS!!!!

My birthday is coming up this week. I'd rather skip it because it's not that big a deal and have no one to celebrate with anyway.

However...my family has their own ideas. I made it perfectly clear to my mother I do not want nor will I eat pizza. We did that for my grandfather and once in a month is good for me. It is still a hard food to eat and I have to be ready for it. The last time (before my grandpa's b-day) I had it was July. Now why they all get to choose what they want and/or where they go and I don't is beyond me. But, today I was told that was what they want so that is what we're doing.

Anyone want to adopt me this weekend?

Milestone II

Today it has been one year since the last time I self-harmed...basically, the last time I cut because that has always been my method of self harming. As I walked out of Rob's office yesterday, I took a deep breath and thought about how this year's session (meaning from the session a year ago) was so different from what happened last year. Last year I was called defiant and Rob was really, really, really mad because I had been cutting for a week and didn't tell him. It almost cost me a wonderful therapist. It took him three weeks to decide to not put me on any type of contract and at the time I totally disagreed with him. I wanted that "threat" hanging over me. He said he didn't want the cutting to stop because of a contract. Rob said that one day I will walk out those doors and not come back and that means no more contract. That could mean I could go back to cutting. I told him by the time that happens I shouldn't NEED the contract anymore...but he said no. I guess I thought it would bring me a weird sort of safety...but I think I'm glad he never did it.

I broke two food rules this week. I will not eat the myriad of goodies that often come into our office. I generally have no problems with it and there is a long list of "consequences" that normally occur if I break food rules. Tuesday was Nancy's 81st b-day and we had coffee and a pastry type goodie. I didn't say no. My anxiety level went through the roof the whole time...but I did it and obviously didn't die.

The second rule was the next day. My Elder for Children's/Youth Ministry and I went to look at Bibles for the 4th graders. We chose one and got them. Cindy offered to take me to lunch so we went to Chili's. I have a general rule that when I am out like that, if what I order comes with fries, I get veggies instead of fries. Part of it is absolutely ED stuff...but I also LOVE broccoli! Anyway, I let it slide. This was a bad thing because I don't eat a lot of fat on a normal basis and the fries must have had more than I eat in a month because I was feeling really sick the rest of the day. But again, breaking the rule didn't kill me.

I have homework for the weekend. Rob rarely gives me homework...but he did. I am supposed to figure out why I feel anxious (and for someone who truly does not have a full range of emotions at the moment...this is HUGE...that I feel that and let myself do it) when I eat around other people. I hate it. I hate it at camp, I hate it at the office (Christmas lunch is TORTURE for me) and I even had a hard time when our team went out at NYWC. I know it's my issue and that I am just very self-conscious and I just need to allow myself to relax and enjoy the people and not sit there and try to calculate the calories of everything I put in my mouth.

As Rob and I were talking my the anxiety and how I dealt with breaking the rules (waiting hours and hours before allowing myself to eat again), he asked me if I could still cut over all of it. In the past, if I didn't purge I would cut instead...as long as I was physically punished I didn't care how. I think I surprised us both when I told him that no, I didn't think so. This coming from the person who could cut over something that happened WEEKS ago, let alone just a few days. So...progress.

As good as all this is...there is still a lot of work as far as emotions go as well as a few other issues. We both recognize that some of this milestone "stuff" has been pure will power from me and not always finding healthy coping mechanisms. I know I have the fear that as we delve into me allowing myself to FULLY experience anger, sadness and other not-so-fun emotions that I'll go back to a behavior. So, it will be a balance and possibly a lot of calls to Rob!

But, as I see some scars become fainter and others disappear completely...it is great incentive to NOT indulge myself in the familiar.

Playground!!

Young Life Capernaum Project has its national office here at our church. They rent office space from us and are now building their own office building/meeting space. This means they had to dismantle our playground (see the above pix) while they construct the building. It also means thaty rather than simply removing our equipment and storing it...it pretty much has been destroyed. The upshot? We get a new playground...or at least part of one. I need to call the Project Manager and find out what they will do to rectify the situation!

I am waiting for one more catalog, but I have an idea to bring to my team. I'd like a small section for the 2-5 year old age range and then a larger structure for the K-5th graders. We'll see what happens!

Trunk & Treat II

I worry, I get a little miffed and then, as usual, people at church come through. Only two weeks before Halloween...but they came through! I just wish we didn't work on "WPC Time" for EVERYTHING!

The goal was 10 cars...that would represent 10 additional "houses," in our neighborhood...just all compacted into a smaller space! I made one last announcement after church and I think I have all 10...woo hoo!

Now I need to find judges. My mom is going to to do it and I am going to turn her car into a San Jose Shark! I think I am going to wear my Dorothy costume and decorate my car "Wizard of OZ" and make my trunk the Emerald City. I need to do publicity this week and work out the logistics. I am just happy it is going to be a GO!

"How Great is Our God"

I am sitting in the Nursery/Toddler Room having just done Major Cleaning Part II. As far as I know the rat still has not been caught, but I still had to prep. the other changing room and go on another toss the junk out spree! I ditched the old VCR (which I admit I should have done ages ago), dusted everything, cleaned everything, went through and tossed a bunch of stuff. We have no sort of pre-school so all this stuff in here does not need to be in here.

So, I am taking a short break and listening to some Tomlin. "How Great is Our God" comes on and I just pause and smile. In Sacramento I was taking Sue Thomas back to the Green Room so she could get settled before she spoke and to get her product table set up and Shane & Shane were on stage doing their sound check. They were singing the song and it was loud enough (and Sue being deaf...couldn't hear my awful voice) so I was singing when I passed another volunteer also singing and we just high fived each other as we passed each other doing our jobs. Not a big deal...but just one of those moments that were really cool.

I finally went to the Youth Worker network in our area and it was a three hour meeting...but a good one. It was awesome to hear this group be so Kingdom minded and not territorial. I'm basically going to take back info to Melia and the Maxwells...but I want to help where I can. As I said after NYWC I know where God is taking me in terms of youth ministry right now...just not sure how it will play out.

More than anything I would love to apply for the position at YS...but I know that's not in the cards right now. But I look at it each day and sigh...

My small group starts back up and I am excited about it! I have missed it a lot!

One Down...

From the "OC Register:"

"Then again, they will be at the disadvantage of having the opportunity to sleep as much as they wanted Tuesday night. They won two in a row on scant and interrupted sleep. Both Orlando Cabrera and Rodriguez said they forgot to pack clothes in the time crunch at home Monday.

"I was home for like eight hours and everything was dirty," Rodriguez said.

The Angels were the first team in baseball postseason history to play three consecutive games in three cities."

Amazing. I won't be surprised if they drop tonight's game because all that sleep is sure to be somewhat of a letdown after the last few days! Last night I shut the front door so should any neighbors be outside they would not hear me shouting.

I am not sure when I became such a sports fan. Growing up, I hated football (though I would watch the Super Bowl) and wasn't all that fond of baseball. But, when I was in college I had a roomie who was a HUGE Seahawks fan (being from Renton, WA) and it was learn to like it or find something else to do Sundays.

When I was working in Day Care/Day Camps I found just a little sports knowledge went a long way with the boys. So, I started reading the Sports pages, going to Angel games and my inner sports fan came out!

RATS!

Well...rat...one...in our Nursery. The used sticky rat traps...the rat didn't stick. Why do we have them??? Due to contsruction going on next door. The only good thing coming out of it is they had to demolish our playground for the time being and will replace it all! "I" get "my" new playground! God rocks! I also get to work with my vision team on knocking out walls and really redoing the Nursery! I am excited about that as we are having a kid explosion!

Emotions...

NYWC is over (for me) and for the second week it is back to the "grind." Actually, Sunday was a lot of fun. I helped on of my teachers with her class and I got to see what I pretty much already knew...Sara rocks! And, I got to see the 4th and 5th graders make part of a "movie trailer" about Isaiah and his prophesies regarding Jesus.

But, this also means that "play time" with Rob is over. This is not a bad thing...but I also know it's not an easy thing. All weekend I knew he was going to ask me to pick and area/issue and we'd start (again) there. The first thing I told him was that I knew he was going to say that and that I had been thinking about it. The problem was...I had no answer. So, I paused and thought about it and other than the lyrics of Chris Tomlin's "Unfailing Love" going through my head...the word "emotions" came up.

After almost three years of working with Rob it didn't totally surprise me to hear him say that was what he was also thinking. So this is the area we are going to dwell on and live with and struggle with, etc.

Here's the deal. Most of the time I have no clue what I am feeling. On top of that, I am afraid of feeling "negative" (I put that in quotes because emotions are neither good nor bad...they just are) emotions because I am afraid of losing control. In fact, a good 90% of the time I know what I "should" feel and so I react accordingly. I can and do feel something for another person. I can watch "Three Wishes," "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," or lately the news and tear up. I look at anything that could be painful for ME and I'm clueless.

We talked about the fact I am just days from being 13 months purge free and 10 days from being one year self-harm free. We also talked about how I have done a good job of cutting off my emotions at the first twinge of feeling anything because I don't want that to set me off. Rob thinks that is why I think I could turn back to the behaviors so easily...because I could get overwhelmed by feelings because I don't allow myself to feel them/deal with them.

Then I changed the subject to the 49er game. Okay, it was when we had about 5 minutes left and he laughed...but I guess I shouldn't have done that. So, I am to ponder all of this between now and Thursday and we'll jump in!

Yipes!

They WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Yankess go home (darn....hehehehehe) and the Angels go on to Chicago for Game One! I am soooo excited! I also realize I have no short sleeved Angel clothing...I may need to rectify that! Since moving away, both games I have been to have needed me to buy long sleeved clothing.

I was a little afraid of what might happen when they took Colon out...but he hasn't been my favorite pitcher this season anyway. I really wish the game was pushed back one day because of the rainout in NY...but Byrd will be fairly fresh and I am sure there will be some rest on the plane...not a lot...but hopefully enough.

It is times like this where I really miss OC...but by the same token I also know that this is where God wants me. So, for now I will have to be content watching this all from afar!

Most of the Gane

I put this up here because I want you to see and pray for the aweome people I worked with at NYWC. This is some of the volunteers...no staff (rats) and one beached whale...but I'll let that go for this time only!

Two Down...

You can take the girl out of the "OC," but you can't take the "OC" out of the girl! One more game! One more game and they move on! I am sooooo excited and hate that I am here instead of there. Okay, they are playing in NY and even if I still lived in Orange County I wouldn't be ging to a game...but there would be the ESPN Zone!

I told Rob yesterday I was glad the Angels had clinched before NYWC started so I could keep track. I think if it had been a game or so later, I might not have known until I finally looked at mlb.com Sunday.

I would love to see then back in the Series this year! No Yankees! I also want them to play against a team other than San Diego!!!

More NYWC Pix

I wish I had a lot more pix...but I really didn't have time. I am wearing my T-shirt from PDCM this morning and as I was thinking about it on my way to the church, a thought came to me. PDCM gave me confidence in what I am doing in my job as Director of Children's Ministry. Even with all the summer trauma drama...I knew that what we are doing here is right and on the right track for us at this time. The drama just helped me flesh it out better and helped me see that this is truly where God wants me right now.

Even though I caught only bits and pieces of NYWC the whole experience helped to show me who I am as a child of God. I haven't had a chance to process it out much more than that and express exactly what I mean...but it's a good thing!

Other Stuff Than NYWC

I just need to get this out becauase all of a sudden it is bugging me!

We are looking at companies to do our background checks. One of them links us to Megan's Law. I couldn't resist. I had to look up the man who molested me to see how far we are apart...to see if he moved back to the Bay Area. He didn't. He lives in Merced County. The picture...well...didn't look anything like I remember...but I was 12 and his face is fuzzy anyway...just not the rest of it! He's 65 now and did not age well.

I am guessing it is him. I mean the name fits, the charge fits...

I need to tell Rob what I did. I was fine about it until about a 1/2 hour ago.

Me and my "bright" ideas...

Some Pix...

Jumping on the Band Wagon

Thanks to Marko...I decided I had to be a follower and do this as well:


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HQ...Just Ask Us...

Yesterday at breakfast, Tic was sharing observations from each area. He talked about how we at HQ could answer a question when it was only 1/2 way asked. It was true. But then there were questions such as, "We are looking for vegetables." That took me a second. Then, and I mean NO offense, I saw they were from the south and said, "I take you mean fried veggies?" They smiled at said, "Yup." I then said, "Welcome to California...it won't happen in this part of town." So we talked options and I sent them on their merry way to PF Chang's.

There is also the group who are forever in my debt because I could send them to an Old Spaghetti Factory just a few blocks from the convention center. Meal times were a very big thing and knowing where to send them and listening to places others fund and liked was important.

It also plays to read the "Jump" notebook. Those that know me know I will take every map, piece of paper, and emails received about volunteering and memorize all of it as best I can. Someone came up and asked who to speak to about being a seminar speaker. Immediately someone said, "Michelle." I said no, that is on site...but there is another contact from YS because I just read it in the notebook. She told me it was so Michelle. So, I pulled out a notebook and sure enough...it was Alex Roller. As I told someone else in HQ...before I started college I pretty much memorized out college catalog and it is a practice that serves me well...I hate giving wrong information!

There really weren't too many nutty questions. The convention center was odd. It has three floors...but you cannot get from 1st to 3rd as in get into an elevator and got from 1 to 2 to 3. To get to the 2nd floor you had to either enter from the west lobby and up the stairs or from the J Street lobby go up the escalators, down the hall, down the stairs and down two ramps. To get from the first to third floor you either took the escalators/elevator from the J St. lobby or start from the west lobby and reverse the 3rd to 2nd floor directions. We learned it was faster to tell people to go out the doors and to the left to get to the Sheraton, but to go back to the west lobby to get to the Hyatt.

It's also amazing how much time the YS Staff needs to spend getting ready for Pittsburgh (which makes sense) and Nashville and at the same time keep Sacramento running well. They are amazing people! Between running hither and yon and being "Nexteled" every two minutes and answering stuff we couldn't...wow! Keep them in prayer as they do a quick turnaround and get ready for Pittsburgh!

Home Again...

Where do I start? I had great intentions of going into work today...not gonna happen. I am exhausted...a GOOD exhausted...but exhausted just the same. The kicker? I would go to Pittsburgh or Nashville in a second of they nedded me! It's worth every 15 hour day, worth every pound of product I lifted, carried, packed and arranged. Worth hearing, "Where is the Hyatt?" "Where is the Sheraton?" "Where is the soda machine?" (behind you), etc. It is worth me doing something to my knee while packing up yesterday and lugging stuff through the pain, it is worth missing 99% of the convention (hey...getting 1:1 time with SCC and having Chris Tomlin rock me in the comfy chair in the Green Room and getting to see Les Christie on a daily basis did more for me than anything...plus I have CDs to listen to at anytime!).

One of my fellow HQ volunteers asked me if it was hard being here and not currently being in YM. I think I was a little surprised at how easy it was. I had told my SP before I left that I really felt that God has been leading (at least for now) me to be an encouragement to youth workers. I think I can be a great resource in the areas of EDs and SI (started listening to Marv's seminar...but then I pulled up at home) and I love hearing their stories, etc. That is why HQ was the perfect place for me! I didn't have that gut wrenching pain in my heart that I feared could happen when I applied to volunteer. I feel as if I got confirmation for this pahse of my life. I have no clue how God is going to use me to encourage other Youth Workers, bus as I went through the Labryinth and spent time in the Prayer Chapel...I have no doubt it's going to happen one way or another.

There are some cool perks being a volunteer...and, well...some of the talk I heard from some others disturbed me...but with the exception of the housing...I would do it without all the other perks because it is my time to serve, my time to encourage and my time to give back for all the encouragement I have received over the years. Not just from YS (thought that has been HUGE)...but from mentors and peers as well.

The hardest part about being home is being a situation where there was no smoke, no "colorful" language (that I heard at HQ at any rate) and being with people who got it. Now I am home and all the above is already part of my life again. Oddly, it isn't bugging me...yet.

Only 27 More Shopping Days...

My b-day is in 27 days...one of my fellow HQ volunteers thought I was 10 years younger than I am...woo hoo!

I think the only reason I thought about my b-day was because I had a few minutes of uninterrupted time with Steven Curtis Chapman in the Green Room. My friend Anna and I used to take each other to concerts for our B-days and he was one of my b-day concerts. He has such a heart for youth workers and I wanted to tell him how much that has meant to me...so it was cool. I felt a little like a dork and wasn't going to go back...but a YS staffer told me I should go back and talk to him...so I did.

Tonight I had from 7 PM on off...and I took it! :) I went to most of the General Session...sat in the Green Room and had my chair rocked by Chris Tomlin...and did what Tic encouarged us to do...look out at the hall from the stage POV...it was awesome and had me in tears. Right before the speaker I left and spent about a 1/2 hour or so in the Prayer Chapel...if you are reading this...please pray for me. There is something I want to do...but still have my tone sitting there for now! I then went out to dinner (I ate THREE meals today...I am still hungry though...ugh) and get a late day tomorrow! I am going through the Labryinth at 8:10 tomorrow morning.

I cannot believe tomorrow is the last full day. Thank God (literally) we don't have to change shirts tomorrow...we get to stay in the same one all day! DCB will lead worship for the rest of NYWC and I am looking forward to that.

Oh...for all of you going to Pitt. and Nashvegas...make sure you make time to go see the One Life Experience!!

The Aftermath

So...

I stood up to answer a question and got really dizzy. That is my cue to force food down my throat no matter what, no matter how much my body protests and no matter how much I want to throw it up afterward.

I left HQ and found a place that was actually open! So, I ate...and really didn't overdo it...I just haven't had much in my body since dinner Tuesday night. I am realy fighting to keep it down and not in I wanna purge it, but more of I feel really, really full and am not sure how much of a choice I am going to have! I am just trying to relax and know that salmon is a GOOD food and the mushrooms are not going to kill me.

So, I know I need to even my food out and get back on track the rest of the weekend. Toni said she'd work with me to get me there after we see how far I have slipped...but I think I can pick it back up before I see her next week.

I took Frederick with me today. I really didn't want to explain that the dog belongs to my therapist and I wanted to have it with me since I won't see him until Thursday, so I said it belongs to a friend (hey...he calls me that at times) and I take it everyplace with me. He was pretty much out of the way, but I liked having him in the booth. Truthfully, I am fine without seeing Rob. I email him every day and just update him and I know I would have been fine without Frederick...but he is a great extra pillow! :)

I see how easily I could fall back into it all and it is encouraging that while the thoughts are there...the actions really don't go along with them. Afterall, in the not so distant past I would have gone ahead and purged and as I was using the box cutter tonight...the thoughts I had about using it in other ways (I was frustrated with some stuff) didn't go far. I guess I am getting more "comfortable" with the thoughts just being there and me not trying to fight them and end up in a stressed out tizzy!

Tomorrow is SCC and I am sooooooo excited. That is the one day I plan on using my All Access pass to hang in the Green Room and at least get to say hello. I also want to register for The Core. I bought the shirt the guy staff members wore today (we had a pink one that is totally different) and the red track jacket. I also got a free DC/LA Alumni T-shirt. I can just rotate the shirts each week for now on! :)

Sigh...

I so need to get a grip. I am really doing fine and I am LOVING what I am doing at HQ...but I also cannot eat at all. I am starving...I mean I am getting really hungry but the thought of food turns my stomach and the thought of food makes me want to cry.

But, enough of my whining.

Today we took a prayer walk to pray for each area of the NYWC. As we stood on stage to pray for those attending...I found myself in tears...it was awesome to look out at 3500 or so seats and knowing who might be filling those seats. To hear the laughter because of the Skit Guys and seeing people on their knees in worship has been a total blessing! I have barely left the booth since yesterday because I don't want to miss what God is doing here...plus I am a people person! :)

Day ONE...

I keep trying to post pix and it's not working...even with high speed wi-fi. I have some "before" pix as we were getting ready and wanted to do "after" pix as we beginng with the 1st General Session tomorrow.

Today was the first day in HQ and we answered questions, ran a few errands and gave out a TON of candy. The stupid little ED voice rejoices in the fact that as EVERYONE (and I do mean everyone....even Marko who ate my Smarties...I wouldn't have eaten them anyway) was munching on chocolate and Red Vines...I would not allow myself as much as a Tootsie Roll...or much of anything else. I had about 1/4 of a small bag of trail mix, two gum balls (from the Remuda Ranch booth no less!) and a just had a granola bar. I feel like I have done nothing but eat sinceI got here and since I sit, it makes it harder to convince myself that since I am no longer lugging hundreds of pounds worth of books, that I still need to eat.

The best thing was actually having a Remuda Ranch staff person to process my thinking with. We talked about that even thought I am so glad I am here and am really feeling "good" stress...stress is stress and my body is doing what it always does...shuts down my hunger center and goes into focus/perfection mode which means I don't feel hunger cues. I am here to do a job (one I have been waiting to do for YEARS mind you) and nothing is going to prevent me from being the best I can be...that usually means no food because that takes time away from the task at hand.

Then there is the stupid little power trip my head goes on because others needed to go eat and I was fine (scary thing is...I really AM doing fine) with nothing. It's a control issue for sure. I can control my food and that "helps" me control what I need to in my little area...until someone is asking me a question and then two other people on either side also asks me a question and my brian just stops.

I need to force myself to eat...no matter what and allow myself a Tootsie Pop if I want one!

NYWC Starts TOMORROW!!!

I should be asleep...I have staff meeting in eight hours...but I am wide awake! I finished early (meaning HQ team didn't have to go back after dinner) and thought I would actually go to bed early...but that is so not happening. I am not sure if it is because I am excited about the start of NYWC in the AM or nervous or what. I am looking forward to all of it and with two exceptions...am content to be at HQ all 12 hours if need be. I want to see SCC and Ted Dekker...other than that I'm good!

I am nervous/looking forward to meeting people from the various forums and possibly seeing people I have not seen in a "bazillion" years...but mostly I don't want to screw up and give out the wrong info. For those who know me well...that means that yes, I have looked at the notebook over and over and over and over, semi-memorized the schedule, etc. I just want God to do with me this week (and always) what He needs me to do...I am really open to "whatever." Of course, should "whatever" also mean getting to re-meet Steven Curtis Chapman...I would be a happy camper!

So, it is time to post this and try and get some sleep. Love my roomie...but she snores...big time! More to come!

NYWC Day 2...

I'm sore, I'm a little sleepy...but I an up and ready to get our final full day of prep going! One of the veteran volunteers said I was the toughest guy they have! That is because I lugged many hundreds of pounds worth of YS product around the store! If you are going...buy...buy...buy! I finally broke down and took a break when I went to lift a 23 pound box and I couldn't do it. So, I collapsed on the floor for about 10 minutes and started back in again and almost finished...if we hadn't been leaving for dinner soon after being excused...I would have stayed and finished.

I hate to say it...but I am actually eating MORE since I have been here. I hate it...but there is no way I could have done what I managed to do yesterday if I hadn't had some fruit and a piece of toast in the AM and a cup of veggie soup at lunch. So, I repeated that today.

Frederick will join me at HQ tomorrow and I told Mindi I have him with me!

I still can't believe I am here...the hard work doesn't bother me, the soreness is a good sore so it's all good and I really love this city!

I admit I have been a YS junkie ever since my first one dat event eons ago and this just feeds that fire...I can't describe it yet...but to be a small part of this team this week is an honor and something I know I won't forget.

Oh...and I get to wear a PINK t-shirt!!!!!!!!! Doesn't take much to make me happy!

Only a Few More Days!!!

In a few short days I will be headed to Sacramento to be a volunteer at the National Youth Worker's Convention! After being turned down three years in a row...I finally get to make a return! The last time I was at a convention was 2001 in Dallas!

I remember my first convention. It was in San Diego and I was allowed to go (the only volunteer my church ever sent while I was there) with the paid staff as a kind of "reward" for bending to their will. Basically, I was directing a play at another church and it did NOT interfere with my duties as a volunteer at my church and the Pastor of Christian Ed. and thr youth staff were ticked. So, I had to either step down at the Crystal Cathedral or quit directing the play. I quit and they rewarded me by sending me to NYWC with the paid staff and our new YP.

We got there a little late...just as the first main session was starting. But, like it was yesterday, I can still remember Yac's entrance. He was carried in as if he was Cleopatra (okay...he was a man...but you get the picture) and then he went into the "usual" opening spiel that I have NEVER tired of. Prior to 2001, the last NYWC I had attended was 1997 and it was so nice to hear those familiar words!

After that year I was hooked and managed to scrimp, save and ask for registration costs as a B-day present for the next few years. 1997 turned out to be my last convention as I started my first job as a 1/4 time Youth Director, my first foray into volunteer Children's Ministry and my first stint at Remuda Ranch. When I moved to Indiana...the first thing I aksed about was NYWC and they gladly shipped me off to Dallas!

I know it will be a different ball game this time. I wouldn't have volunteered otherwise. But, I think I am at a place in my life where I want to find some way to give back to the other youth workers attending. Okay, getting to probably see some friends is a great pull as well...and oh my gosh I hope I get to see Les Christie...but that is not my motivation.

I have been trying to wrap up everything here and other than some copies of lessons I am done. Sunday I need to do our last Children's Church lesson (then my Elder will take over for a bit. Truth be told...she loves to teach and using the DVD it's not the same for her!) and after church do a Biblemaniacs Oreintation for October and I am set. Come home, do laundry, put gas in the car and on Monday go see Rob and leave right from his office. I am really hoping I get to bring Frederick with me. I emailed Rob and asked, but I haven't heard back.

I think another positive is my SP is okay with me doing this...that he feels confident enough with what I am doing here right now that this is a positive thing for me. It is my vacation time so he can't tell me what I can or can't do on said vacation...but I am really happy is good with me doing this!

Foe those going to Sacramento...track me down! I'd love to meet you!

Heading Toward Another Milestone...

Today marks the 11 months since the last time I have self-harmed and also means it has been 11 months that I have not used purging and cutting at the same time... meaning where BOTH behaviors have ceased. That is almost the bigger milestone. Now if I can throw three meals into the mix that would be good...but food/meals is still a HUGE issue for me...but we are working on it!

I hate it...but I have the exercise under control and I hope in another 4 weeks or so I can get either a 4th day OR be able to add a group exercise class. I asked Toni and even yoga is out for now. It would be so easy to not stick to our agreement and do what I want to do at the gym...but sooner or later it'd be found out. I am a LOUSY liar and you can only hide over-exercising too long. I my case it would be a LONG time...but still. Plus it would get me nowhere and I want recovery...there are just days that I want to chuck it all. I do not think I am alone in that though.

Kids Club...

About a year ago, my SP and I were approached by Church Resource Network about starting an after school Kids Club at the local elementary school. He and I had been talking about outreach and this was perfect! A few months later...we started and had a good few months.

San Jose Unified closed school...AGAIN...and the population of our school doubled so we knew that we wouldn't be starting Kids Club right away which was fine...I have been having a really hard time recruiting anyone! People work so it's hard to find those who are available at 2:45 PM once a week!

Yesterday, I found out that Trace does not have room for us. Truly, I do not see this as a bad thing. One of my leaders has some stuff going on at home and she is one of the Jr. High leaders to boot and that keeps her busy. My other leader may end up losing her job with the whole Hewlett Packard downsizing and I have enough to deal with! The GOOD thing is we have a relationship with the principal so there are other ways we can serve that school.

Before she became principal at Trace she was the principal of the school directly across the street and members of our church volunteered in the classroom and the library. I see us reaching out in that way again. Plus, as long as we get district approval, we can send Trunk & Treat flyers home with the kids as well as other events AND their choir sings at the community Christmas Tree Lighting for our neighborhood.

The lack of volunteers? The one thing I have to say about our members is they take the Great Commission as a suggestion and it isn't real in their lives. I know that is a goal for the coming year(s) to get our members to not just think globally (we do a GREAT job with overseas and some local missionaries), but to think about those in their own lives and in our community.

Okay, off to finish some manual rewrites and get October curriculum ready!

It's Time For Biblemaniacs!

I really don't like that name...but until we can come up with something better...I will continue to use it. The good thing is, my SP is not "married" to the name and it can be changed.

We use the Workshop Rotation Model (WoRM) and it was one of the things that drew me here 3 years ago. I had heard of it while in Indiana and LOVED the concept, the creativity, the not having teachers sign their life away for a whole year, etc. We use a curriuculum and from time to time I gop ahead and write my own lesson because I don't their choices for the topic.

This year the overall theme is "Messiah," and this month the kids are looking at David through art and the Psalms, through "fun," (games like an obstacle course and trying to hit a target as tall as Goliath with a nylon knee-high and a wiffle ball) and through food (pizza maps). The stories/concepts do stay with the kids. After they are excused from the service (after the SP's Children's Message) and we meet in Mission Hall I ask them what they have learned, what they know, etc. It has been so encouraging to hear even the 5 year olds tell me what thye have learned! I love our teachers!

I wish I could see the "Soul Kitchen" today. Making a map of the Divided Kingdom out of pizza ingredients should be interesting. It is the older group this week. I have the younger kids in the "Creation Station." We talk about the Pslams attributed to David and then they take watercolor paper and paint it. Afterward they take a portion of a Psalm on acetate and frame it. Hard to describe...I need to take a picture of a finished project. I NEED to keep my camera here!

I am off to make copies, chop veggies for the pizzas and go over the lesson for Children's Church!

Trunk & Treat

Okay, I know we are a few weeks away...but have you seen the stores???

Anyway, I before you all tell me how unoriginal I am, I KNOW that. But, I have wanted to do this even the past couple years and now I get to!

This year, we will do our first "Trunk & Treat" event. The reason why I am so excited is because it is in conjuntion with Church in Community and the High School group! :) I have felt that our different ministries and committees don't work together enough on events, outreach, etc. To bring a few of us together will generate enthusiasm and that is awesome!

So, we are going to ask families/ministries/individuals to decorate their cars and then have candy available. As the kids in our area trick or treat, they can come into our parking lot and go from car to car! The cars will be judged and be awarded ribbons.

The High School group will be on the front lawn with candy/balloons and direct people to the parking lot. We will also have a cut out of "something" and then take instant pix for the kids to take home. This is my first attempt at a "large" Children's Ministry event and I hope and pray it we get people who will decorate their cars and make this a fun event!

A Milestone...

As of tomorrow I will be....

ONE YEAR PURGE FREE!!!!

I am excited...but I also know that while my behaviors have been brought under control and I know the "whys" of the urges at times...there is a long way to go. Most of the behavior stuff has been quelled by sheer willpower. I really see that over the past few weeks as I have been back to the gym.

Yesterday I walked in and Rob says, "Still friends?" My first thought was to remind him that we are NOT friends and he knows it bothers me. But, under the circumstances, I let it slide. I also arrived with a 1/2 dozen homemade brownies. I know I didn't have to, I know I really didn't do anything wrong...but I still felt bad for raising my voice to him. He always asks if he could have one right away. Like I would say no. He took one bite and told me I missed my calling. Heck, I am glad there are a few people I can bake for.

For those who read this...if I have one prayer request...it would be that I can see me as God sees me. Not as my mother sees me, not as I see me (because of how my mother sees me)...but that what I know in my head to be true I can absorb into my heart.

The Mom Filter

Yesterday, I emailed Rob and apologized for raising my voice to him. I had no reason to and have been feeling a couple things. I was feeling bad for doing it in the first place and scared to death of him because he had raised his voice to me as well and while it wasn't anywhere near how loud my mom can get...it's a voice I never want to provoke in him again.

I got a email back from him telling me that I didn't need to apologize and that he was sorry for raising his voice at me and for being too firm with me. Since he brought it up I told him I didn't think he was too firm, but that the voice raising was felt through the "mom filter" I already had going and it scared me to the point of not wanting to come back on Thursday. I know he would never intnetionally do anything to hurt me and the fear I feel has nothing to do with him and everything to do with getting screamed at by my mom. He was not as loud as she was, or as angry (a little frustrated), but it took me back to a place of just wanting to hide and stay out of his way.

It should make tomorrow and interesting session. I will go, I will talk this through with him and we will move on...but the pull to bail is so strong. I have about 5 hours left that I can bail without having to pay for the session anyway.

????????????????

I asked Toni for the extra 15 minutes and she agreed to it. I saw what I did as the smart thing to do. I didn't decide that I knew better than she did, I didn't do it first and ask permission later, I didn't lie about it, etc. But now it has become a huge issue of confusion.

I had CC'd Rob with it so he knew I was asking Toni and why I wanted the time. Yesterday he asked me why I did that and that started a whole thing about control and being dependent on Toni. I'm still really confused and don't want to say too much while he and I pound this issue out...but what I told him was I saw it as no different than how I view our agreement should I purge/cut. I do that and I have to do a BCA on the whys and what what I was feeling, etc. It's a verbal agreement. Toni and I basically have a verbal exercise agreement. I also don't see anything wrong with giving her control over how much I exercise because if she didn't set the limits she knows, Rob knows and I know I would be there 2 1/2 hours 5 or 6 days a week. As I learn to be okay with moderate exercise and see the benefits of it...the controls will go away.

It got a little heated (very new...I hated it) and we found a "mom filter." He never once told me that what I dis was "bad" or "wrong," but that is the way I filtered everything and now I need to learn to see it so I can tell him before I "sink" when it happens.

Sigh...

Quick Post

Grrrr...

Today was Day 2 of my 45 minutes at the gym. It CANNOT be done! I need at least and hour to get any decent strength training in!!! So, I am off to write an email to Toni and Rob...BEGGING them to let me go!

It's Not About Weight!!!

How many times have I heard that since my first purge 16 years ago??? A lot! Every book, all the experts, friends, etc. In turn, I have said it to others. It's just a symptom of what is going on, you need to look beyond the scale, you need to launch the scale into the wild blue yonder, blah, blah, blah. And, while I think we all come to a place where we DO see it...I am beginning to think there is a part of us that doesn't buy it and EDs are more about weight than anyone is willing to tell us. But, in the past weeks I have come to learn...and I pray really and truly learn and believe that the weight truly IS a symptom. Let me explain...

In years past, I have been obsessed with the scale. At my worst I would jump off and on probably 10 times a day. Before a purge, after a purge, first thing in the morning, last thing at night, if I woke up in the middle of the night, after the gym, etc. Much to Toni's dismay, I took it out again and have been really good about not getting on it each day. She thinks I put it away...not bloody likely! Anyway, it had been 2-3 days since my last foray onto the scales and the number had dropped...more than I thought it would (yet I am still a beached whale) and yet it did NOT make me happy.

Well...there was a moment of elation and knew my two hour+ workouts were doing the job (more about that later). Then, like a hammer, it hit me...the number does not represent to me only the loss of pounds...it means control! Each pound means that I am gaining control. Control of what? Working on that one...but control nonetheless.



So, I have been sick for a week. I literally forced myself through my two hour workout last Friday because I was not feeling well and am still paying for it. As I met with Toni this week she told me point blank that all the overexercising lowers immunity and that it needs to stop...NOW. I need to keep my workouts to 45 minutes total...three times a week. She doesn't care how I break that time up...but I need to try and only go three days. I want to try and go back tomorrow, but since it feels like I have a small elephant on my chest...I may out it off another day. I'd be more upset about it...but all I have wanted to do is go to work and then come home and sleep!

Rules....

I am still trying to figure out this slide, why overexercising seems to be my behavior of choice lately, and why everyone has started playing food police!

As Rob has been helping me try to untangle what is in my head...something dawned on me. We were talking about the rules I have for food, the obvious rules I now have for exercise, etc. As I sat cuddling Frederick, it dawned on me that I have the rules, even if they cause me a ton of stress, because I am afraid my life will be chaos without them! Growing up I had no rules (and therefore no feelings of security) and had to make my own to survive. Now these rules have "turned" on me and are controlling me. Yet, the thought of letting them go is honestly terrifying. Not that I don't long for the peace and healthy control letting go would give me in time...but the thought of letting them go and having to create new ones scares me to no end!

As I was reading "Group" last week...there was a sidebar on anorexia. While I am ED-NOS...my mindset tracks with anorexics. I remember the first time I went to Remuda. I barely scored on the chart for bulimia and off the chart for anorexia. Anyway, the sidebar was talking about anorexics and legalism and that teaching grace is a HUGE thing for these teenage girls. Oh my gosh...did that ever make sense to me! I think that is probably why I started to figure out the rules thing with Rob.

He keeps talking about layers. I think we are both realizing, as we near the three year mark in November, that we have still barely touched the surface in some ways. The way I am seeing things right now is that rules helped to keep me alive when I was younger and if I don't start trying to break free of them...they will kill me in the end.

Update of Sorts...

There is a million things I need to be doing...but I have zippo concentration today. Not even sure why.

I am still trying to figure out what has prompted this slide of sorts. Monday I sat in Rob's office and for the first time in many, many, MANY months told him I wanted to purge. Okay...I had nothing in my body, but something must have touched an emotional nerve. I know I was little irked because he thought I was being all avoidy girl when I talked about the Biblemaniacs meeting from the day before. I wasn't. I think he forgets that I am on PROBATION here and that something as a failed meeting could mean my demise. So, I pretty much emailed him that later Monday afternoon.

Part of me thinks this is way more about control than the other part of me is willing to admit. On the surface, things seem GREAT. Other than the blip on Sunday, progress is being made on the goals my SP set, I am excited for the coming year in ministry, etc. But, if I allow myself to be still long enough I also know that this is a hugely stressful time for me and add on the depression and it makes sense. Why don't I tell Rob this? I have no clue. I am really trying to not allow this "lack of control" in other areas of my life carry over to ED stuff...but it's hard.

Into my third week to the gym and I already feel guilty for not going yesterday. My compromise with Toni is only three days a week...but I am finding it hard. I can't wait to get there today and burn, burn, burn!

That's the other thing. I don't see 3x a week at all bad for what I am doing. If I were at it 5-6 times a week or 2x a day then I would think Toni should be concerned. But only teo hoyrs three days a week? Bah! Rob agrees with me. He says that he can't see how there could be too much of a good thing like exercise. Of course, I take that to mean because I am such a beached whale I need all the gym time I can get...but I also know that's wonky thinking and that he didn't mean it that way.

Kick Off Sunday is this week and I reserved "The Incredibles" bounce house from http://www.astrojump.com. I need to get medical release forms ready and my picture display. I have most of the pic printed out...but I think I'll do that at home. I am supposed to have Friday off (as the office is closed on Mondays, Friday is our Labor Day holiday), but there is too much to do.

This is where is true test of recovery now lies: Do I manage to squeak out where I think the control issues are (eating my words from Monday's denials?), or do I give him my crack pot theory and see where that leads?

Kids Day Out!

Tomorrow is the every other month event for Children's Ministry. Tomorrow it is off off to the pool of a family in our church. They love to open their home and pool to the kids of the church (K-12th) and it makes this a no cost event. Oddly enough, it is going to be smaller than the more costly event we did back in April. Hmmm...

It worked out this time that all the kids/youth have a chance to be gone (i.e. parents have a chance to get rid of them) because Jr. High is going paintballing and Sr. High is going to Great America! The last hurrah of summer...except some of the kids started back on Wednesday!

Ack!

This Sunday I am doing a meeting with all my Biblemaniacs teachers (well...most of them I hope and pray)for the coming year. We will talk about the theme for the year (the WoRM curriculum we use has a 6 year scope and sequence) which is "Messiah" and go over the first three lessons for September. We'll talk about "multiple intelligences" and what is expected from the teachers when they teach. I have been working toward doing this for the past couple years and I am so happy it is FINALLY getting off the ground! The best thing was getting the pulpit support after my reminder announcement last Sunday and hearing back from a faithful teacher saying she is looking forward to teaching again this year!

So, I am getting "stuff" together for the meeting and pray that most of my teachers will be attending.

I really feel good about the coming year and the meeting the goals set for me. I need to get the otjer team going. I'll see two of the three tonight at small group and see what works for them and then call my third. I am hoping we can meet next week.

whoever is out there reading...please pray for this! Internally I really am gung-ho...but as the depression continues to close in I am finding myself procrastinating a little and wanting to just sleep!

More Buffy...

WILLOW: OK. But, you need help, Buffy. I know you, and I know you'll never admit it, but you need help.

BUFFY: I'll be OK. OK, or better. It's like my guarantee.

That is SO me. Never admit it...never reach out when it is in my face.

As my mood continues to spiral down...as I continue to burn 1000 calories just on cardio equipment (and then not losing any weight this week...thank you PCOS)...as I continue to struggle and try and figure out why my head is where it is...I have two perfectly good "helpers" in my midst and not sure I am doing a great job of asking for their help.

But, then I think that is not totally true. Today went well with both of them. Rob is helping me to wade through all this...except I am left with more questions and frustrations than anything...but he is trying to help me untangle all that is in my head and NOT judging it. Toni is willing to work with me...until I am ready to stop working out like a maniac. Well...I am limited to three days a week and she knows that I may not be able to do that. But, because I am not eating enough she is worried about my phyiscal being...much more than I am.

Rob asks me what he isn't getting about all this. I keep telling him it's not him it's me that isn't articulating anything right. We have a running joke that he is never wrong (and yes he has been which is why it is a joke) and so he reminds me he is never wrong so it IS him. Maybe it's simple. The struggling is no big deal. The 90% willingness to dive back into the ED means nothing other than I am having some problems in some area of my life and this is serving to cover that up. I wish I knew.

And, through this struggle, I get really frustrated with myself because...well...just because...not ready to get into that here.

Sigh...

Everything I Needed to Know About Recovery I Learned from Buffy Pt. 2

WILLOW: It's nice to be forgiven. Too bad I need so much of it.

BUFFY: I have a confession to make. I thought it might be you. With the flaying.

WILLOW: I know.

BUFFY: I wanna be the kind of person that wouldn't think that. Xander never thought it.

WILLOW: He did, a little. Heck, I did a little. Xander has the luxury of not saying it, but you're the slayer. You have to say stuff like that. It's OK. It's OK too if you still don't think I can recover from this magic stuff, 'cause, honestly, I'm not that sure about it either. (prepares to meditate again)

BUFFY: I thought you were too tired.

WILLOW: It hurts too much not to try.

BUFFY: I'm sorry.

WILLOW: It just takes so much strength. I don't have that much.

BUFFY: I got so much strength, I'm giving it away.

WILLOW: Are you sure?

BUFFY: Will it help?

WILLOW: Much.

BUFFY: Good.

As I watched "Same Time, Same Place" this afternoon I wasn't looking for another "a-ha" this resonates soooo much moment...it just sort of appeared.

I always hesitate writing this type of stuff because I wait for someone to ask me where God fits into all this....I mean using examples from "Buffy" rather than the Bible? What kind of Christian are you???? Short answer...I'd be dead without His strength that sustains me on a daily basis. I couldn't imagine even attempting any type of recovery without knowing I am not alone...even if I am physically...which is where this final scene actually comes into play.

I think when Willow tells Buffy she isn't sure she can recover and she starts mediating to heal her body after what had happened to it...that struck me as such a truth...that people in my life have walked parts of this road with me for SO long that maybe they doubt my chances of recovery as much as I do at times.

Then, Buffy offers her strength along with Willow's own and that really touched me. Yes, I so know that Jesus is right by my side through all this and there are moments that I know it is because of Him I haven't given in or given up...even at the worst of times...because I know it's not my strength...but I long to have people in "real time" that can give me that strength...that don't want to fix me, lecture me, recite evvery verse in the Bible that I already know for "times such as these," etc. Someone...ANYONE that will just let me (if I could even allow myself) cry for seemingly no reason and not ask why and be comfortable with those tears. Okay, I think that may be asking too much and yet there are those I have been able to do that with. Unfortunately, thjey are in "The OC."

I live in the 10th largest city in the country and yet, unless I am a college student, I have been unable to find an ED support group. That is wrong in so many ways.

So, I watch Buffy take Willow's hands and lend her strength to Willow...not saying anything...simply holding her hands as she helps Willow heal and tear up because I long for that and yet at the same time am afraid that either I don't deserve it and/or will push it away.

Tonight I had a shot in my small group to share that I am struggling and yet I couldn't. I tried to say something...even sugar coating it a bit...but the words would not come. Maybe if my job were not in jeapordy...

I also had a dizzy spell on my way out to the car. Not good.

When the Lights Go Down in the City...

Looks like mom and I are on for a day in SF tomorrow. This means I need to either go to the gym today (and even in my warped state of mind I know that I need to let my body rest and we WILL be doing a lot of walking tomorrow if I have any say in the matter) or wait until Monday. I think I would do more harm than good by going today...the soreness I can deal with and that's part of the package since it has been a long while since I did that much exercise...the exhaustion on the other hand...I could go home and sleep until tomorrow if given the chance.

I would love to talk my mom into Alcatraz or a bay cruise...but that so isn't her. I'd like to drag her to the Aquarium but yet again...not her deal. So, I guess we'll walk Pier 39, the Wharf and up to Ghiradelli Square, etc. If I can get her on a cable car we can go to Union Square. This time I am staying away from the crab on the wharf. Toni is pretty sure that is what made sick the night I was up there. I think we are going to wind up at the Rainforest Cafe which I can deal with ok.

I dragged the scale out last night. I think I am going to put it right back where I had it. I actually forgot where I put it and almost gave up...then I realized it was probably in a drawer. Bingo! It's odd because I want to lose weight...but seeing how relatively "easy" it has been to lose three pounds in the last 4 days...probably not a great thing to know because I start playing games in my head on how I can avoid eating, how to try and convince my mom I had eaten when I haven't, etc.

In saner moments this morning and knowing all I know about EDs...I am trying to figure out what is really going on. What is going through my head is that all this stuff is just "symptoms" of whatever else is really going on. However, all I am seeing now is this huge black hole.

Anyway, so I am trying to stick with the saner parts of my thoughts so I can function. I have all my prep. work done for Sunday and I have my small group tonight so I can go to SF tomorrow and not have to worry that Sunday morning I have to run around like a chicken with my head cut off!

Not Sure This Was a Great Idea...

I went back to the gym yesterday...I am trying to keep it an every other day so I don't go bonkers. The one thing that helps that is lack o' ipod. I may need to beark down and charge an ipod shuffle! But, I have the one card and really want to get it paid down...so we'll see.

Anyway, as I promised the trainer on Monday, I ate something before I went to the gym. It had to be something I was willing to eat and yet had some carbs so I wouldn't die after 20 minutes on the elleptical machine. So, I had a raspberry Nutri-Grain bar.

My goal is to one day go to the gym and have the express purpose NOT to be to burn 500 calories on the cardio equipment before I even hit the weight machines. Yesterday, I did 50 minutes of cardio and was happy I could do it on one Nutri-Grain bar.

I see Toni tomorrow and I know she is going to need me to reel myself in a little bit because she doesn't like me to do that much cardio on so little food. The problem is between the PCOS and the ED my metabolism is in the basement anyway and I am deluding myself that as I start dropping weight again I will ease up on the gym time (if it gets ridiculous). This is going to take 100% honesty with Toni to make this work and it's scary how the temptation to NOT mention the gym is there. I fgure Rob knows...she doesn't need to know. That, my friends, is a HUGE lie and one that I cannot and will not allow myself to buy into.

In other news...I am currently 11 months purge free and Sunday will be 10 months SI free!

I'm...Not Sure What I Am....

Last week I finally bit the bullet yet again and joined Bally's. I am now tied into a three year contract...but I think I can put it on hold in certain circumstances. I really felt like I was doing it for more than ED reasons...between having the ED for 16 years or so and the PCOS my metabolism is in the cellar and I need to do something about it. I took the tour on Thursday and my insides were jumping for joy...I realized I missed it. Now I know why...

Yesterday was my "First Timers" work out with a trainer. Yesterday I thought I could do what I have done for the past five years off and on...work out without eating anything. By and large I did pretty well...until about 3/4 of the way through, then I started to tire. I had to admit why and he took me to the water fountain and told me to drink. We kept going until I finally got dizzy and we had to stop. I was almost in tears because I was so frustrated with myself. I was even more frustrated because I WANT to be able to work out for two hours and not eat before or after.

I rushed from the work out to Rob's office and after lecture three zillion about what a loser I am in therapy (okay, it wasn't even close to that...just felt like it at first) and I tried to explain this to him...but either he didn't quite get what I was saying or he got it and was trying to help me untangle it. My guess it was a bit of both.

I feel like he didn't get what I said about missing the ED. I think he glommed onto me saying it was a dumb thought and didn't hear the rest of it. I flat out told him that I miss being able to work out and not eat, that I hate having to eat at all, etc. We went around and around about the thoughts being "normal" and that sort of thing. I told him that I cannot believe that wanting to dive back into the ED is a "normal" thought. Rob then said to just see them as thoghts and not judge them, not fight them, just let them be there because it doesn't mean I am going to act on them.

Maybe I just want my feelings of wanting to jump right back into all ED behaviors validated...not condoned...but having someone understand why I feel like that and that it doesn't mean I am going to DO anything with the thoughts.

Sigh...

Starved II

I'm still not sure what I think about it. Last night they got a lot of stuff right. It makes sense because the creator of the series has battled "food issues," and I have to admit, when two characters were discussing colonics and the cop made a comment about not wanting to hear about (and believe me...I NEVER use the first word so I am kinda embarrassed to type it) "ass bulimia" I cracked up. I honestly thought it was hysterical. The fact that one of the characters lost three pounds after the procedure was a little triggering (though it makes sense that would happen) and made me wonder what one would cost.

The scene with the woman and her two dads was also very true to eating diorders. Her one dad made a comment about her weight (she is so NOT fat by any stretch of the imagination) and she told him she could lose the weight and be thin enough for the hospital for next year's b-day gift.

The cop was alone, making dinner for two and then purged. Yup...I have had many the solitary meal (for one) and done the same exact thing...though I nevers et the table with flowers, etc.

"Starved" seems to make more fun of the dysfunction that CAUSED the EDs rather than the EDs themselves, but showing the purging is really not something anyone needs a visual for and having "belttighteners" as a shame based support group (the aversion therapy scene was funny and sad at the same time) is a really bad idea...IMHO.

So...my Angels lost and unlike some Angels fans...people were very nice to me! :) I was good naturedly teased, I impressed a couple guys because I like baseball AND came alone to the game, etc. so it was fun. The thing is I LOVE the Angels..but right now the A's are a FUN team to watch no matter what!

Barry Zito... 

The last week or so have been a Sports Bonanza! Last Wednesday my grandpa and I went to the 49ers Training Camp! 

Sigh...

This was what happened in the 8th inning, #5 was tossed out...not that DaVanon was a big help anyway...but striking out was not worth getting tossed out of the game in the 8th inning.

The A's fans were actually pretty nice to me, although I talked to some others where that was not the case. The again, they were guys...I was alone and people thought that was pretty cool. I was sititng with these two guys from the Lexus dealership across the street and they were good natured. There were pockets of Angels fans all over...but I wish we would have been sitting together!

Feelings...Nothing More Than....

WILLOW: Hey! Buffy, you're mad!

BUFFY: You noticed. It'll pass.

WILLOW: No! Anger ... is a big, powerful emotion you should feel.

BUFFY: Well ... that's good then. It's gone now.

WILLOW: Okay ... uh, let me make you mad again. Uh ... ready? Um ... Last semester, I slept with Riley.

BUFFY: And you know I really doubt it.

WILLOW: Caught me. Big fib. To ... cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel.

BUFFY: Will ... what the hell are you doing?

WILLOW: Pissing you off.

BUFFY: Yes, true. Why?

WILLOW: Well, 'cause, you know, since you've ... been back, you haven't exactly been big with ... the whole range of human emotions thing.


In the last few week I very much feel like I have not been "big with the whole range of human emotions thing." There are things I SHOULD have feelings about. Last week I had a bagel for the first time in over 2 years. I am going to watch "my Angels" pound the A's tonight. My grandfather came home safely last night...and I am pretty much "eh" about everything. This is not a good place for me to do because I know where it can lead.

The problem? Not really caring. I must care because it bugs me, because I am more than willing to admit it, because I know I can't go back down that road again...but how do I feel about it? "Eh."

These three men (well...Brokaw and Jennings more than Rather) were the reason I wanted to become a journalist. Seeing the stuff that went on in my college newspaper newsroom is the reason I decided NOT to!

Growing up, these three have been a staple in my life. While I began my world news viewing with Peter Jennings...it was eventually Tom Brokaw that got my attention. It was nothing Peter Jennings did...but it was our Communications' Department distaste for our local ABC "Eyewitless" news that turned me off.

As I watched GMA yesterday morning and Katie's interview with Barbara Walters...one forgets how one anchor man, sitting in his chair, can take you down memory lane. From the gossipy "stuff" (i.e. I forgot he dated Streisand) to his commitment and love of children...he was a good reporter...even if one didn't agree with him politically.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

Tomorrow I am going to see game two in the series with Oakland and the Angels! Zito is pictching for the A's so it should be a great game. The Angels had better win! This three game series is going to be an important one and after hemming and hawing about it...I broke down and bought a ticket. I am sitting right by the Angel dugout and that wasd the clincher. I am also 9 rows up from the field...I probably should not have spent the $$...but for once I am not caring. I really want to see them play. It will be my 2nd Angels game this year and 2nd A's game. I have also been to a Giants game and a San Jose (single A) Giants game so it has been a great baseball season for me!

"Starved"

I debated whether I was going to post anything about the show on FX. I have been dreading the series premiere for weeks, but have enough of an open mind that I wanted to give it a fair shot.

Language and ED stuff aside...I thought the writing was awful and the characters are people I would probably not want to be frineds with.

As for the actual ED aspects of the show...it was probably the support group scenes that made me cringe the most. Not so much the "It's not OK" mantra that is shouted as each person shares his/her failure...but the comment about shame being a method of help/support. There is so much shame with the disease as is...and to see these scenes where shaming a person into recovery is a scary proposition.

However, there were actually some things that to me were very accurate:

--the detergent on the cakes

--the weighing yourself before and after using the bathroom in the AM

--the measuring tape

And, I admit, until the cop purged in the alley, the scene where he pulled the Chinese food delivery guy over on his bike was really funny. I saw it coming, but I think it does speak to the lengths some have and will go to to be able to binge and purge.

Will I watch it again? I'm not sure. Should it be pulled off the air...yes, but I think because of the show's quality rather than the content.

Everything I Needed to Know About Recovery I learned from "Buffy" & "Angel"

ANGEL: Illyria, the future can change here. You can choose a different path.

ILLYRIA: And be nothing.

ANGEL: And be what you are. Fighting to hold on to what you were... it's destroying you.

Many of you know that "Buffy" and "Angel" are two of my fave shows and I am to the point where I can watch an epidose and know what day I need to tune in again to see the one I really want to see! Like today's 1 PM episode on FX is the one where Buffy realizes what "death is your gift" means and makes the ultimate sacrifice to save the world or last night's "Angel" on TNT when Willow restores his soul (yetb again).

Anyway, on the TNT Monday morning episodes they are near the end of the final season and then will cycle back to the beginning. I have seen the episode where the above quote came from probably 3-4 times by now and I don't think that quote ever jumped out at me before.

Maybe it was because I was in the other room doing something and was straining to hear, maybe it is because where I am in recovery or maybe...nah...I think it is the latter.

I look at where I am...almost a year purge free and while I think about it all the time...almost 10 months SI free. Yet, at the same time, I can be honest and say it wouldn't take a lot to send me right back into the depths and not look back. The thoughts come and go because I won't dwell on them long (the longer I dwell...the harder it is to fight it off), but they are still very much ingrained. Plus, I am still not eating three meals a day...but I digress...

There are times, just like Illyria, I feel like I am at a crossroads. There is a lot of romanticizing the past. EDs are NOT glamorous nor is cutting your skin so you bleed...but there is this mindset that I had more energy when I was throwing up everything I put in my mouth and when I was not sleeping. Then there is my favorite...cutting helps relax me so I can sleep. Okay, that one is true...but what a stupid reason to be self destructive.

Angel tells her she can choose a different path...but in doing that Illyria would be agreeing to becoming less "powerful" than she had been, more in control and other than her look be like "everyone else." She says it would make her nothing. I know that a lot of people can relate to that. I've said it and I have heard it from others...without the ED who am I? I am nothing without it. Becoming the disease kind of sneaks up on you and I know that I denied it for a very long time...but I still am trying to figure out who I am without my "safety net."

"Fighting to hold on to what you were...it's destroying you." I think that line is what hit me right between the eyes. There are days where I deny hunger because I can't let go, there are days where I try and figure out a way I can be "normal" and yet keep some of the behaviors . And, I am sorry to admit, there are days where I don't CARE if it destroys me. All that being said...if I don't let go and look at the issues that still drive what is left of the behaviors...I will always BE at that crossroads and always be on the cliff of destruction.

Not that this realization makes it any easier to plop down on Rob's couch tomorrow and be ready to delve into the muck after a few weeks break...but it is incentive to not stall and only talk about going to the 49ers training camp today!

Updates...

Okay...I have several updates on various and sundry things...so here we go:

Meeting last week: The one goal that was set was to out together a "vision team" to tackle the two biggest things we need to get done in Children's Ministry and one that needs to get done because w eneed new carpet in the 3/4 year old room soon! Oh, and put together a notebook that outlines the programs/calendar for the year. Not a problem. My SP said he wants this to work because he doesn't want to look for anyone else. It is very doable...just worried about what if the all five people on our short list say no. I'll find out this week as I begin to make the calls!

Community BBQ: In church on Sunday our SP shared things he had heard and something that was overheard and it was all very positive. One community member talked to our SP and asked if this was the church where "all" the community meetings were held and that cared about the neighborhood. Yup...that is us!

The second comment was over heard and the store next to the church. There was another meeting going on over there and someone tuned to a woman and said something like, "You go to 'that church' tell me about it. What are they like?" She replied that she was not involved here as she is Muslim...but she has visites several times for church services and communit events. She told him that if she DID go to church it would be ours as she says we are the epitome of what "church should be." She said we are friendly, we don't judge, etc. He then said he may have to check us out! I think we are the best kept secret in town!

Recovery "stuff:" As of this writing I am 10 1/2 months-ish purge free (for those newbies reading this I don't binge...ever) and just over 9 months SI free. I think the hardest part is that much of the time I feel like I am just one sandwich away from going back and/or one cut away from being sucked back in. I was telling Rob yesterday that the thought of cutting enters my mind all the time...I just don't act in it. He said that it makes sense because for 3 1/2 years it was a habit and something I did to cope with a myriad of "stuff."

Lately, I am trying to figure out if I am really feeling pretty good OR if I am complete emotion shut down because on a moment to moment basis I have no clue what I am feeling and each time Rob asks me I truly don't know...which is the stuck point I guess we'll start on Thursday. Things have been a little off kilter lately because of VBS and then I was gone and then he was gone so it's been a good month since we have delved into anything heavy.

The Job I Didn't Get: I looked at the church newsletter and I have one thing to say: I would have hired her, too!

I honestly feel better being outmatched rather than evenly matched and still not getting the job! She do deserved it and I know she will do well there!

So, that's it. My mom is still fairly toothless, my SP is gone for the next 2 weeks and that will give me a lot of time to get done what I need to without having anyone looking over my shoulder!

Take Me Out to the Ball Game!

Last night my grandfather and I went to a San Jose Giants game and was able to see Benitez pitch one inning...they have been letting him do an inning here and there as he recovers from his injury. Anyway, neither of us had been to a minor league game and truthfully, they were playing Bakersfield, I never saw the point before.

A couple weeks ago mom and I were in Target and they had free tickets at the cash register. I picked up a couple and thought it might be fun. So, we went, I upgraded our seats from the bleachers to box seats and we found ourselves in the front row of the "B" section...close enough to spit on the, had we wanted to. By the 5th inning it was 5-0. The Giants were losing and I was really tempted to leave early and beat out the 2,845 fans still there. In the 6th inning...the Giants came back and scored 6 runs! The final score was 7-6...Giants! Hearing my grandfather sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" was worth it!

I am really glad we went bercause it was fun watching the people and watching all the promotions they do between innings or in the middle of innings. And on the way out, we got a loaf of Sara Lee's new whole grain white bread! Take THAT Oakland A's! Hahahaha!