Home Sweet Home...

Here I am in "The OC." In a hotel room with a view of the parking lot and the Burger King next door.

I left at 6 this morning and pretty much drove 85 MPH once I got in the 5. A few places of icky traffic and off to Irvine I went first. I HAD to see my chiropractor. I totally surprised him...he had no clue and that was awesome! I made him PB cookies, PB fudge and a lof of PB bread and he dug into the cookies right away. He only eats white sugar on Friday and so he was excited it was my stuff he gets to "cheat" with!

I told him that this week marks 7 months since I have purged and almost 6 months (next Thursday...the 21st) since I have cut. He was really excited and told me that he hasn't seen me look this healthy in a long time and I look better than I did in August. Considering I have been sleep deprived for a couple weeks...that is saying a lot...and I know he doesn't mean I am a beached whale...but I hear healthy and my mind goes there still...but this is the man who has seen me at my absolute worst and pretty much at my best (like when I first got home from Remuda the first time) so when he says that he means it in a GOOD way.

Tomorrow is G's basketball game. There are kids from the tournament staying here and it's annoying...if they come home tonight dribbling the ball in the hallway...they die! Sunday I think I am going to Ron's church and surprise him and then go to Disneyland. Saddleback has 2000 tix left for Sunday...but it IS an all day event and I don't want to totally waste my 3 day park hopper.

I feel like a bum just sitting here in the hotel...but I am exhausted and my head is killing me. Doug wasn't able to do a whole lot yet...so he couldn't help it as much as he would have liked. I think I am just tired. To do anything else would really be a waste of money and/or time because I am so tired. So, I will rest up and take the day on tomorrow!

As My World Turns...

Let's see...why start with the icky stuff...I'll start with the good stuff!

1. I leave in THREE days! This time on Friday I will on the road probably a bit down I-5!

2. "G" the kid in the pciture I said was great b-ball player will also be down there! His basketball team is playing in a national tourney so I am going to shock him and be at a game!

3. I get to take Frederick with me! I figured Rob wouldn't say no...but it is always a fear. He told me yes yesterday!

4. I get $91 back from my state income tax! Okay...that isn't much...but it is better than nothing or having to owe!

Now the "other" stuff...

1. My mom is home from work on a medical leave until MAY 3rd. She won't talk about what happened...but it was/is depression related because she has seen our MD, her Psych and has had her meds upped. She has been all suicidal talk lately anyway...so this isn't a surprise...but it makes things really hard at home and I have no safe place to be...except Rob's office.

2. I am worried about VBS. I gave us such a late start (*kicks self*) and while I am already getting volunteers...I feel very overwhelmed by it all.

3. I am scared spitless about meeting Forumites next week. I put myself through this every time I go to meet someone and it has ALWAYS been a great time...but my insecurities and anxiety go through the roof until the meeting actually takes place. But, I so can't wait to go to Knott'swith Lisa and at the very least Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf with Dirk.

4. Gas prices are awful!!!

Anyway, I told Rob yesterday that I feel overwhelmed but think I shouldn't because things will be fine while I am gone and my team and volunteers so don't need me around. And I don't think I am worried about me not being here...I was gone a few times last summer and then retreats this year...but I think it is the VBS part that has me all OCD. The rest is fine!

On Thursday I had told him I felt like I am such a whiner in our sessions...I was honestly shocked to learn he would never use that word with me. He told me that he very much cares what is going on in my head and that word would never even enter his mind. That meant soooooo much. He reminded me of that yesterday.

So...off to our calendar meeting in a few minutes and then home to start laundry!

One Week From Tomorrow...

...I will be heading to the OC!!! I cannot wait on several points:

1. Meeting YS Forumites

2. Getting to see my chiropractor

3. Disneyland!

4. Seeing/staying with Anna (and getting to know EG better)

5. Spending time at Saddleback (my purpose [hahahahaha] for going)

6. Being "home" for 9 days.

At this point, I am already chomping at the bit...I am leaving early next Friday and will probably get home late Sunday...depending on what I do. I really need to focus on the now though because I have plenty to do!

Not sure how much longer I can go without the other behaviors. I am loose ends and so cannot handle my own stuff and having to deal with my mom. I KNOW she is an adult...I know there is truly nothing I CAN do...but I just want to cut until the outsides match the insides.

This is one of the completed crosses! 

This is Pam...she is a "Biblemaniacs" faithful! I hope it continues since her daughter moves to Jr. High in June!  

This is GM...he is a great B-ball player! 

This was a project in our last Biblemaniacs rotation. The kids are making egg shell mosaic crosses in The Creation Station. 

I wish I were dead...or at least totally numb...I wish someone would just make it all stop. Why can't someone just shoot me??

Drowning...

Okay...not literally and not probably not at all...but if FEELS that way. I am so sick of that word. I am so sick of having feeling be this thing I am supposed to do and that it is supposed to be good. HA!

After last Thursday's session it was a truly hour by hour choice to not cut...to not let my outsides match what was going on inside. I finally just had to make the choice to block that all out so I could function and focus on what needed to be done in the next couple days.

Monday was hard with Rob. I had pretty much blocked out everything so I could function and not be an emotional wreck and my head was just there. I kept avoiding topics and did a bad job of it. But, Rob was really patient and just walked through it and let me sit in silence without asking me every 5 seconds what I was thinking.

It came down to what I am feeling is like a tsunami in my being. That, if allow myself to feel the hurt and pain (heck...it is hard enough to type that I feel it) that those feelings are going to overwhelm me and drown me. If I sit and allow myself I can feel them creeping up...almost like when you go to the beach and run up to the wave and let it hit your toes/feet and run back to dry ground. I can pretty much handle all that. But, then it all wells up and I feel like I am going to be drowned in the mass of feelings. Rob knows this and he talked about how it doesn't HAVE to be like that and it probably won't be...BUT, what if it is? What if the pent up feelings of years and years of "stuff" DOES overwhelm me? His office is the only safe place I have...but when time is up and I am still a mess...then what?

Guess I'll find out tomorrow!

I am okay today...but I feel the black closing in on me and that scares me as well. I am doing what I can to pull out of it...but there is always that part that wants me to simply give into it. I know better and am trying to not allow myself in indulge...but sleep is icky and that doesn't help. I love the CD A sent me a few months ago...but lately as I start to relax I get all panicky and have to turn it off because I am afraid of the panic. My mother has offered to let me get Ambien. However, I really don't want that in the house. I don't trust me enough.

Ugh...I feel like a broken record.

But...

Things are GREAT at work...for now...but I think for some time to come! I am pretty content and we'll see what God has in store.

Things other places...not so good. I mean I am doing OK...pretty well for the most part...but I am hitting painful places right now that I'd reather not be hitting and right now life just hurts...period.

I keep telling Rob...why rehash stuff that I can't change...that happened years ago. I guess the fact of how all that hurts me (and I have no safe place to release it...took most of the session with Rob to even admit it) answers the question. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think...I want to shut the memories off.

I told Rob that this just takes me back through my childhood and how much I did with OTHER people's families or my grandparents or another relative (my Auntie D and Uncle K)...not my mom.

I was lose to tears and he kept telling me it was OK...but then he gave me a Dobson quote which made me think of Ryan and when he comes into chat and that broke the moment.

He is concerned because I want to cut and what that might mean if I give into it. He is so proud of what I have accomplished but worried about where it could take me.

I feel overwhelmed by the emotional hurt and I am so afraid that is what is going to take me back to cutting. I think he'd be "ok" with it if it would just be once...but I told him I know I couldn't stop at that because once I get that release...I'll want more.

C, G and E before we head home! 

My cabin! My two and the two "independents" 

The kids I took to camp! G is the one with Sasha! 

I am trying to get out of "react" mode. I told Rob the story I posted about G and what she prayed...it was really hard to tell him because I felt like I was being all conceited and stuff about it. It was also hard because I started crying...but stopped it before it turned into real waterworks.

Today was another session of "I Never Realized How Much My Mom Was MIA." So much has flooded back over the weekend. I told Rob I didn't even think of the stuff before I my final 3 semesters of high school. It feels very overwhelming.

I fight myself though because part of me simply wants to say just suck it up and know that I still didn't have it as bad as so many others...and part of me just wants to cut and make the emotional pain go away. It is going to be a LONG couple days until Thursday and I see him again.

Okay...when I was at LIFE in 2003, I was supposed to keep a list of things I mastered each day or something positive that happened that day. Normally, I think it's a bunch of hooey...but after Thursday's session I have been in a "funk" and it has been noticed...RATS!

My camp name when I was there with my 4th graders was "Queenie," in honor of the thread on the forums started for me...and I am lousy at coming up with names on the spot! Anyway, it has kinda stuck and the girls (the two I took up) call me "Queenie."

This morning we were leaving Children's Church and G's mom (who leads it) and I were talking about how G and E still call me "Queenie." Then she told me last night when G was praying...she was thanking God that she would "get to see Queenie" tomorrow since I was away last week. G and I have a great relationship...but she's not a total cuddly kid apart from family and I am never quite sure where I stand with her. I guess I know now!

Feel Like a Fraud!

Of course, posting about it make me more a fraud because some people who read this know what I mean and I swear I am not writing it to hear..."that's not true!" But, in the wake of yesterday's session with Rob...things are a little close to the surface right now and I could probably cry at the drop of a hat if I allowed myself that "indulgence" and loss of control.

Anyway, there is a thread on a bulletin board I moderate where you say nice stuff about the person who posts before you. For a long time I hesitated posting. Not because I don't have nice things to say about people because I do...LOTS...but because I wanted to check my motivation. Am I doing it so people would have to say something nice about me? Am I doing it because I notice subtle stuff that means a lot to me and others may not see it? Am I doing it because I want people to tell me I am wonderful? Am I doing it to be the "good moderator?" Most of the time I honestly believe it is because I notice neat stuff about people or I want to make sure that people who have touched me deeply (that would be YOU my twin)know how much I love them.

Today, I sit here at my computer reading stuff about me as I have posted stuff about others. I keep thinking...other than one person (well...maybe 2)...no one really know me. They know me from posts or from being a "good" mod on days and a "bad" mod on others. They know me from coming here and reading...but I read some of the stuff and think to myself, "If y'all really and truly knew me you'd see what a screwed up fraud I really am." I mean look at my post from yesterday!!! What kind of person who has a passion for God (one of the things said) writes stuff like that? What kind of person who "has a heart way bigger than most people and treats people like Gold!!" says she is willing to throw everything away for a blade, a purge and hopefully heart stoppage?

I want to be all that. Not acting like that is who I am...but to actually be the person they think they see...they think they know. But, I don't know how.

Excuse Me While I Think Out Loud...

Just bear with me. Forget I am a Christian, forget all I want is to serve God to the best of my abilities and with the gifts and talents He has given me. Forget that I know what my strengths are in ministry and what drives some of them...not because I feel it has to be that way...but because this is the way God has wired me. Forget that I know what the Truth really is...even if I don't feel that Truth on a daily basis because it has been pointed out to me that knowing the Truth does not negate feeling something to be true nor does whole heartedly forgiving someone mean that things still don't hurt and keep one up nights.

I say this because what I want to say isn't "pretty," it isn't uplifting or very "Christian," or positive or any of that stuff. But, it is what I live with and what I am working on healing and where I need to make my choice:

It is hard to give up the ED and other self-destructive behaviors because by doing so I am giving up my "right" to die. It means I have to embrace life...learn to feel the "good" and "bad" and know that I will never be "good enough" and that is OK. Not sure I am ready for that...yet.

Today was one of the those sessions with Rob that seemed like it was going to go nowhere because of my reluctance to delve into stuff I feel I have said a million times and had to repeat again today...but I finally "got over myself" and dove in anyway.

I sit here and still won't allow the tears to come because if I do...I know I'd "lose it" and my mind is already 1/2 way to my room where "stuff" is waiting for me and where I could indulge and not even feel bad about it...until five minutes after I am done.

We went over time...but I really could use another session...things are way too raw right now.
It all comes down to me feeling like a drain and that goes back to my birth and messages that pointed and point in that direction. We talked about how me knowing what the truth about that is doesn't take away the hurt and the pain that is there...but I won't allow myself to feel.

I told Rob it was "dumb" stuff that hurt me. My mom missing my first day of school, my senior prom, most of my plays my senior year, etc. I think Rob forgets this stuff and/or I tell him stuff I thought he knew but didn't. The look on his face made me want to cry. He told me that as a parent, he could not imagine missing that stuff with his kids...including the stuff she has missed since I have been adult. I think hearing that what happened to me growing up is NOT NORMAL hurt me all over again. He talked about how I have turned that all on me...

I still feel like a drain. Okay, I PAY him...but I still feel like I am a drain on him, for sure on my family until I can be on my own again...ugh!!!!

Think, Think, Think....

First off...a big thanks to Mel and Tree as they listened to me babble about this on AIM today!

#1: I was thinking about this at camp over the weekend.

Doing all this back to back stuff is supposed be tiring...I mean...I guess it doesn't have to be...but many of the YS Forumites have talked about being tired after there are events like this all back to back so it's at least not out of the realm of possibility.

And yes, as I hit the 6th month mark of no purging (Thursday? Friday?? don't have the exact date down for that) and 5th month of no cutting (that, I know, is on the 21st)...I still don't get too excited...BUT...it dawned on me that two years ago I would have done all this stuff, worked full time, continued to get ready for Easter "stuff" AND claim that I had energy to burn...meanwhile on my rare Saturday off I wouldn't leave my apartment (when I had it) because I didn't have the energy/strength to leave or even go to the mailbox.

I know it's not that big a deal...but Toni is ALWAYS after me to try and find the little positive things...whether I think it's a big deal or not. And while I realy file this under the heading of "So what?" I'm sure she'll be happy about it tomorrow.

#2 I had a weird dream Sunday night. I won't go into the boring details, but I had a dream that Rob just kind of up and left. No warning, no nothing. I show up in an office that looks like his, the "idiot's" office in Indiana and I think Marc's office. Parts of it are hi and not his. I press the call button and the man who comes to get me is a combo of one of the guys who works at our Presbytery office, "the idiot" and I think Greg...or Rob....or Marc????

I am told Rob is either out of town or away or something and that he arranged for me to see this "person." As I looked around the office it was a combo of his office and some of the others' and it looked as if things were being packed up. None of the toys were around...the ones I have given him and the ones from others, no Frederick or the big bear in the corner...his stuff is no on the walls.

I woke up in tears and was surprised how real it felt and then how silly I felt hving that dream in the first place. When I got to Rob's yesterday I didn't want to talk about camp, or Kids Club or anything else...I WANTED to sit there and cry from relief and just stare at him to make sure he was real. I told him I had a dream and couldn't tell him what face to face...so I emailed it to him! I know...I am a wimp...but at least he knows one way or another.

Having told someone (Mel) and then emailing to him has made me feel a lot better. So much so I am making SPAGHETTI for dinner. Yes...the carb-o-phobe is making PASTA and garlic toast! Call the papers!!!

Okay, this may be because I am at about 50% of my goal for Toni and I figure this will help!

4th & 5th Grade Weekend Get Away

The weekend was awesome.

I am exhausted

Chad made a first time commitment to Christ and I feel very exceited about it because I know it had nothing to do with me...the kept the guys/girls pretty separate and so I hardly saw him all weekend!!!

The girls had a blast

I will try to post pix this week

This week is a ZOO and after tonight you may not see me much!

So, I am back to blogging, but don't have a lot to blog about! Not that life has been boring...it hasn't. But, most of what has been happening is being lived off my blog. A lot through Rob, the telephone and email...but somes things are better left to those areas of my life!

My dietitian is BACK from maternity leave and I get to see her today. This is causing no shortage of good feelings! I have missed her so much and need her to kick my backside. I did eat 2x yesterday...but today I feel so ooky that I need her to tell me that was OK and I need to do that all the time!

While some things have allegedly not been pointed at me, and while by and large I choose to believe most of that (and it IS a choice)...there is a deeper thing for me going on. Why did I allow it to hit me so personally, why did my emotions lead me to want to pull out the blade and cut and beyond the incident iteself...what did it touch in me? Leave it to Rob to help me see some of the other sides of this. Still processing some of that...but it also led back to the tears I began shedding last Thursday I quickly turned off because I felt I was losing "control." Okay, the very fact of shedding a tear, for me, is out of control...but WHY? So, I am thinking on that and feel overwhelmed by trying to figure it out. But, I have all day today and I see Rob tomorrow.

One thing I am trying to remember is that while certain things hapen that do push emotional buttons...I still have a choice on how I react to all that...in the long run and in the short run. Short run...it has made me sad and left feeling very hurt. In the long run? Others make their choices on how they are going to react and behave and that I cannot change...EVER.

As I was able to share some feelings the one thing that hit me was a couple months ago I would have given in and cut, I would have not let anyone know what I was feeling and I would have bent over backward to remain in the good graces of some. Actually, a MONTH ago I probably would have done that.
But, whart Rob and I did last week has made a shift in me that I can feel. Yes, still pretty much hate myself and if I died tomorrow I wouldn't complain...but being able to express to Rob the deeper stuff of all that...bringing some of it into the light has totally given me a "lighter feeling" in me.

Therapy...

Let me start by saying I love Rob. The hard part about having a male therapist is that I can’t exactly tell him that. I can tell him how much I trust him, I can tell him he means a lot and that I feel very safe in his office and in his hugs…but anything other than that sounds funny. I almost blurted it out today though.

It was very, very awkward going in today. Things were so weird with my sort of misinterpreting stuff and even though we cleared it up (sorta) through email I still felt funny. I literally took a deep breath before walking into the waiting room.

We talked about how different Thursday was compared to other sessions, we talked about how it left me pretty zombie like until Saturday and how I could remember the movies I saw, but conversations with people were a bit of a blur. I could remember certain things about our session…but not the stuff when we were doing the back and forth thing. There was something I really wanted to remember and was frustrated I couldn’t. We moved on to a few other things.

We talked about my issues with being in control. We talked about what losing control would look like to me. As much as I fear losing control emotionally…I wasn’t sure what that would look like. Crying and not being able to speak, losing focus, thoughts all over the place, etc. I said not being able to keep the “negative” emotions at bay. The simple act of crying itself is losing control for me. So, we are going to work on that…since his office IS a safe place for me…we are going to work on me allowing myself to feel and know that he is there to make sure my emotional and physical feet are on the ground when I leave his office. He said that I have been so hyper-vigilant about every minute of my life that I need to find the balance. He said later he may have been a little sarcastic about that, but that he realizes it once served a great purpose for me…but that the stress is causes for me to live that way is not a good thing. He asked me what the worst thing that would happen if I lost control. I told him probably the worst thing is I would end up cutting.

We finally went back to him being me and me being the voice “thing” because I was really struggling with not remembering much of it. He hesitated only because we only had maybe 20 minutes tops if he went over with me a little bit. But, we kept it kinda neutral and he did a lot more of him being me and also him being him and I think that helped keep me from getting too emotional and having a hard time pulling it together to leave.

It worked though. It was weird because I didn’t look at him, kinda stayed curled in a ball with Frederick and focused on the “Kermit in the fake (??) Fichus” as we talked. We fell into the dialogue pretty easily and as we repeated stuff from Thursday what I was looking for came to me. There was the usual I wanted too much/needed too much stuff that I remembered from Thursday and then it came to me….the piece I had been looking for. I came out of my “fog,” long enough to tell him that was it…I got it…and then refocused and told him I am drain.

One thing he did that was “new and different” was as he spoke to me as him it was like he was talking to me at 3, 4, 5 years old (and older, too). He was saying things such as, “The big people really hurt you, didn’t they?” “The big people didn’t make you feel good about you, did they?” It was kind of funny…but resonated SO much with me that I really responded to it. I don’t know if there was something in my voice that became more child-like or if it was body language or the fact that all this stems from my childhood…and I guess it doesn’t matter in the long run. Thursday we will dive in more.

I did something that I hope made his day…or at least his hour…I handed over my rubber bands. Today marks 4 months since the last time I cut. I had the rubber bands on my wrist for at least three…but the damage was far less with those than with the blades.

Every so often he will ask me to leave them with him. I always tell him no because I have access to thousands of them at work so why bother. I know what I did on Thursday bothered him and he had asked me for them after our session last week.

As I was putting my shoes on after our session (I take them off because I always have my feet on the couch) I was telling him it had been 4 months and handed him the rubber bands. It was unexpected (really on both sides…more his though) and I could tell he was really happy that I chose to do that. I think because I can’t tell him I love him…I have to do it in other ways…baking, little gifts, handing over the rubber bands, etc. I feel very naked without them and want to get some and put them back on…but this is a right step. He knows that he may find new ones on my wrist Thursday…but for today at least…they are gone.

Clarification....

I guess I should explain Rob’s comment. He did say that…but in an email I received from him after I THANKED him for finally agreeing with me. He said: “I affirm your feelings of feeling like a mistake - I don't agree with you in the way you perceive me to...”

Let me start from the beginning. Thursday’s session did not go well. Well…at the beginning it didn’t go well. I watched the DVD on “Mindfulness” and pretty much spent that hour snapping the rubber bands on my wrist. It got really red and a bit swollen and when we got into his office he saw it and that started us off on a bad note. I know it frustrates him that it seems like I am stuck right now and have been unable to move forward much.

It finally came down to what do I see as the biggest issue (or something like that) and I said the fact that I absolutely hate myself and that I know the truth of who/what I am makes it worse because I KNOW what the truth is…all I have to do is pick up the Bible. I talked about me being a mistake and at one point he agreed with me…not simply to affirm my feelings…but simply a, “Yes, you were and accident.” We went back and forth about it for a little while and then he tried something new. He was me and I was “the voice.” GREEAATTT…

So, I started out with “you are a mistake.” He was me and did what I told him I usually do…say “I am not.” Okay, that gets me nowhere and I don’t think I saw that. We do it again and he begins to question me/the voice. It really touched some painful stuff…but we got to what we needed to…what I needed to. Not that I have given much thought to it because I spent the rest of Thursday and all day Friday in kind of a fog. I was not fully present in anything I did.

Yesterday was much better…but I almost lost it again last night. Most of it had little to do with any of this…but it just compounded the feelings of being worthless and a mistake…that at my mother…but that is a whole other issue.

I REALLY wanted to cut last night. I could picture it, I could almost feel it…and I wanted it. I didn’t care that most of my scars have healed and that even though you can see them…they look a lot better and not quite as ugly. I just wanted to do it and get it over worth. Just once.

However, tomorrow it will be four months since the last time I cut and last week was five months since the last time I purged. I TRY to be happy about it and realize that it IS an accomplishment…but it still seems like not much in the scheme of things.

I'm a MISTAKE...

It is official.

FINALLY someone decided to quit lying to me and confirm what I keep saying...I am mistake. Rob agreed with me today.

I'm a MISTAKE...

Retreat Stuff...

This is the stuff I wrote during the retreat…well…until I started having a good time! ;)

It’s an hour until dinner -- but I already feel as if this was a HUGE mistake. I want to cut…I want to cut bad and I want to cut NOW -- anything to take away some of the anxiety.

I did the smart thing (for once) I left my room and went to the bookstore and bought a book. Now I am sitting in the Lakeside Lounge trying to figure out why I should stay. Right now I am really not coming up with anything.

I know why I want to flee…same reason I out off seeing Shay, the same reason I have talked about off and on the last couple weeks…I don’t feel good enough to be here with these women. I feel utterly lost in the sea of these people…these absolutely talented and wonderful women…I don’t belong among them…I feel like some impostor tying to fit in.

We have small groups tomorrow. HA! That is going to be a HUGE joke. I have nothing to say…nothing to offer. They pay me to teach their kids about Jesus…not blabber about something that 9 times out of 10 is Youth or Children’s Ministry related.

I should have brought my lap top. We have roughly FIVE hours of free time tomorrow. Ack! The one cool thing is I know my way around pretty well if I go into Santa Cruz.

One thing I ALWAYS tell my kids is that you are on a retreat, at camp, etc. not by accident. For whatever reason, God has called you here. I am trying to keep that in my own head! I was NOT supposed to be here. If Cindy hadn’t given me her spot, I would be home playing with Spike, waiting for my mom to get home from work, watching “Joan of Arcadia,” etc. But, here I sit trying to let being anxious OK and failing….miserably!

I keep telling myself telling myself to run -- to get out of Dodge as quickly as possible and come up with some really lame excuse. But I know that would be the absolute lame thing to do.

I also know I REALLY need to get over myself because in April I’m going to be at PDCM and there it will be a bunch of strangers, which actually makes it a little easier.

It was weird having people tell me they were glad to see me…

Long Time...No Blog!

This has been a long week and so I haven't had much to say! I was sick most of the week...feeling a bit better now...but still not 100%. I actually took 2 days OFF work to stay home and rest and that is not normal...but I couldn't function...mainly because I felt exhausted. Wednesday I was at least able to get some work done at home and that was good because I have been trying to do a week's worth of stuff the last two days.

Rob FINALLY had a memory lapse. I am not quite sure why, but both of us had a hard time remembering stuff from Monday. I still felt stupid for it...but at least I wasn't alone in the forgetting. He even looked up his notes.

I think he was fairly frustrated with my inability or unwillingness (?) to admit that food is a basic need for life. I think I told him something like, "As long as I don't go 60 days without food it's all good." Then he said I may be having a ahrd time because of the meaning I put to it. That if I move food BACK to the basic needs caregory then it means I will eat more. He said it doesn't have to. THAT is where he missed the boat. I asked him of that meant if I moved it over than I can continue to subsist on XXX number of calories a day? He still didn't get it.

He let me bring Frederick hom with me so he and I will be heading up to Mt. Hermon this afternoon for the Women's Retreat. I can only be there until tomorrow night...but I think I am glad I am going. I am having huge amounts of anxiety (Rob is thrilled is I am acknowledging a feeling) about it...but it was awesome of Cindy to let me take her place so I am going anyway. Frederick will help make it better!

I got to meet Shay yesterday (WOO HOO!) and I was scared spitless over that as well. Not of Shay....cuz she is AWESOME...but the automatic "why would she even WANT to spend time with me? What have I got to offer ANYONE?" stuff. But, I am so glad we did meet and hang out and even eat. And, since that was my first and only meal of the day...it was probably a good thing. I wish we would have more time!

My Pondering for the Weekend...

I figured this out yesterday as Rob and I were talking about my perfectionistic tendencies:

I don't try to be perfect to be MORE than human...

I try to be perfect to BE human.

I am still trying to figure out what that means because...duh...obviously a human...but not sure I believe I am a person...if that makes any sense...

What to Do...

I am quite confused about what to do with the whole youth group in Santa Cruz thing. Right now the leader to student ration is 1:2 and since there is Jessica and myself the girls really don't need both of us...and she is there all the time. I just feel like I am not needed there and not sure how much of that is because I'm me and how much of it is because I have no real role. Meaning, Alex is Game Guy, Andrew is the Big Cheese, Jessica is Events Girl, Dave is "Old" Faithful and then there is me. I asked for a role...I WANT a role...Alex, Jess and Andrew and meeting with Pastor Lee tomorrow...maybe that will help!

Email to Rob

So...I sent this yesterday...well...it's edited:

I think I am still trying to get my head around taking food out of the list of basic needs for life. Mainly because I think I am still convinced that the human body can thrive on less than 700-800 calories a day and that I haven't decided how much I want it IN my list of basic needs for life.

I look at it as something that that I have to do sooner or later, but have no real interest in and most of the time could care less if I dropped dead from not eating. There were so many times that I used to wish that a purge would finally be the thing to screw up my electrolytes and I'd just drop dead. No such luck.

Today as my mom and I were trying to decide what to eat...she said how about nothing? I told her that was perfectly fine with me...I wasn't too hungry anyway. We ended up at Togo's and it took me 20 minutes to decide and then about 40 minutes to eat it. I think what is going to be hard now is that she works until 7 and I can cook and then throw away a portion so she thinks I ate. And yes, I know that is totally nuts and the wrong thing to do, etc., etc. and right now I am not sure how much I care and THAT bugs me...because I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life.

Very slowly I am feeling it though. The cramps in my legs, the fact I am cutting down on water and liquid in general (I had a bottle of water about an hour ago...first other than a sip (when I took meds) this morning, probably the weird dreams, etc. But it feels very familiar and well...while I know that isn't a good thing...

I tried to eat today...well I DID eat and it was a mistake in terms of I had what I wanted rather than what was prudent and am paying for it. Yuck. Lesson learned. So, we will try again at dinner. I went and got my ingredients for the skillet dish I am making and we'll see what happen!

From Loren's Blog...

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Dumb, Dumb, Dumb...

I want Del Taco Chili Fries. Either that or something with meat in it. I would say I have eaten totally veggie this week...but that isn't true...just most of the week. I have eaten pretty much just once...but the food I did eat was healthy and totally want JUNK right now.

I also think I have not had enough water in days. Maybe I am not hungry at all...maybe it's just because I am really, really thristy. The last thing I want to do is confuse the two.

This morning I got a call from our Parish Associate. It seems her grandson (one of the Jr. Highers) stole my camera off my desk yesterday. I know theft has been a problem with him...but I thought he was better with it. Now I wonder if the missing walkie talkie is not in his possession. I think I am more upset because he has been such a great helper with the younger kids over the last few months. He is going to have to take a time out for a good 3-4 months now. I hate to do it because I know his background (he was adopted) and how he could take it...but in the long run it will be a GOOD thing.

Today I would sit brainless in front of the TV and want to cut and/or purge. I know I need to figure out why and I am working on it. Neither is exactly pleasant!

It LIES!!!

I Am STUCK!

I have made food into a MORAL issue. Rob was having me sit with my eyes closed as he was telling me food was ok, etc. Each time I was unable to stay with that I had to open my eyes. Not sure we made it the whole time.

Anyway, as we were talking about it and me saying food wasn't ok...he said that I must think it's OK as I eventually eat. I looked at him and said, "Just because it's OK doesn't make it right."

I have turned food into a MORAL issue. That was an eye-opener!

That and I have taken it off my basic needs for life. Water…probably not enough…but check. Air…I breathe in and out like I am supposed to…God? Yuppers! Food? Ummmm….NO!

I am very stuck with it. Not sure what to do with it or if I want to. Rob was walking me through the “what happens if” scenario. No water…you could die, don’t breathe…you die, don’t eat after a LONG period of time…you can die. I looked at him and said, “This is a bad thing?” He ignored that. Nice to know he thinks I don’t mean it!

Right now I am sorry I brought anything up having to do with food itself. I don’t even remember what we were discussing before I walked in his office and decided that food issues were more important than whatever we were doing.

Dodged the Bullet...

I almost blew it tonight. I hadn’t had anything but the piece of quiche since last night and so I “overindulged” tonight and had maybe 8 oz. of chicken and a bunch o steamed (totally plain) broccoli. HUGE mistake. I wanted to get rid of it in the worst way. I had myself convinced I was going to gain at least FIVE pounds from that meal. Okay…3500 extra calories equals a pound. Multiply that and not very likely even if the meal had been deep fried!

But, who said ED is rational? I stood up, was all set to go purge but quickly emailed Rob instead. A real quick…wanna purge…emailed you instead and sent it. He replied so I emailed him back and am working on something for Thursday.

I really need to think about what the ED voices are saying and when and what else is going on externally. But, this is really the first time I have come this close…where I have actually made steps to where I purge…but I didn’t…I know that is good…but it doesn’t feel that way.

If I think about what I was feeling, it may have been that I was a bit upset at my mom because I sort had dinner planned out and then I didn’t hear from her so I didn’t know what to do and she wanted something I didn’t so I had to change it all.

I also got on the scale this morning, was hungry ALL day and wouldn’t indulge myself until this afternoon. I should chuck the darn thing…but I’d just buy a new one.

Yee Haw!!!!

Woo hoo! It is official…I get to go to Purpose Driven Children’s Ministry!!! I am thrilled and have mixed feelings all at the same time. This time I want to have a phone session with Rob. I have an easy time without him when I am off someplace than when I am home and he is gone…but because of how I FEEL going back to So Cal and especially the OC…it’s always a mixed blessing.

Tonight I made quiche for the first time. I hated it...my mom LOVED it. Then again, I often don't like my own creations. But hey...it was only 320 calories and with the milk from earlier puts me at 390 for the day.

I know that shouldn't make me happy...it is not logical nor rational to be happy that my intake is less than 5o0 calories...but I am.

TRIGGERING...

I don’t want to play the “I wish I were dead game.” though that is what is rambling through my head. That is what I hold back from Rob. I am never going to act on it so why bother. Hell…if I WERE going to act on it he doesn’t seem to care so why even talk about it?

We talked more food stuff today. I told him what goes through my head. I told him all I had yesterday was popcorn and I told him that I don’t deserve food. We talk about how the rational and truthful thing is that I need to eat…feeding oneself is a basic need for survival. I want to shout out…WHO SAYS I WANT TO SURVIVE??? WHY HAVEN’T YOU FIGURED OUT THAT THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A SLOW FORM OF SUICIDE? But, I won’t. I think he knows and that is probably the least of my problems anyway.

I can list a “zillion” Scriptures on why I deserve life, that there is a plan for my life, I was created for a purpose…yada, yada, yada…and it is true…but it still feels like it isn’t for ME. If I dropped dead tomorrow I am not sure I’d care because I am so frustrated with trying to learn the right things and it’s not sinking in.

OC Here I Come...MAYBE!!I

I got an email from my Chuldren's Ministry elder yesterday. I had told her a couple weeks ago I really wanted to go to the Purpose Driven Children's Ministry confrence at Saddleback. I had told Cindy that I KNOW I was a volunteer at All Stars for two years...but volunteering in my little (or I guess rather large as the service I volunteered at had more 5th and 6th graders than show up at our church here on a Sunday) corner of Saddleback is different than hearing the whole thing.

Before the new building was even started, all the 5th/6th grade volunteers from all the services met together as Criag Jutila shared his vision. When I was back there in August it was awesome to see that vision completed.

Anyway, I would have had the $$$, but they cut my professional expenses budget to $116. She talked to or Pastor and he wants to find the $$. I have vision, I KNOW where we want to go and pretty much how to get there but for some reason I am LOUSY about casting said vision. I think this will help.

Granted, being in the OC is a perk all its own. I will get to stay with Anna and EG and get to see Doug and only months will have gone by rather than the almost 2 years from the last time between adjustments. And, as I plan to be back in the fall, it will then only be 6 months!

I hope to more soon!

It's The Weekend...

...and I have no life! Actually, right now it dosn't bother me. I have too much going on in my head. And I am still reeling a bit from Thursdays session. I emailed him yesterday to tell him something and then I ended up also telling him what was going through my head when he made the mind reading crack. Honestly, if we hadn't figured out we were both missing each other with what we were saying I would not have been back. My thought was if he thought I didn't need to eat that not eating to punish myself, because I don't deserve it, etc. was OK then why shell out $400 a month (not counting the $240 my gma pays)? I have a feeling I will have to read that email out loud on Monday.

Mom is working today (until noonish I think) and then her schedule changes and she will have Sundays and Mondays off. I HATE that she is home on Mondays...hopefully this won't be forever!

Today was interesting. I totally misunderstood what Rob was saying because he totally misunderstood what I was saying. He thought I was telling him I was tying to force myself to eat when I wasn’t hungry so he told me I know my body and if I don’t think I need to eat…don’t. I thought he knew I meant restricting and IGNORING my hunger. So, my head is playing games and putting words in his mouth that he thinks I am a beached whale, that he thinks I am fine without food, that I don’t need it, etc.

By the time it was almost time to leave I was ready to go home and cut. He asked me how I was feeling and I told him. Well, I told him I wanted to cut and I didn’t know why but it was like I was a pressure cooker and I needed to release the pressure. If I would have looked at the clock I wouldn’t have let him calm me down…but I thought we had time. Anyway, he tells me to sit back and take three deep breaths. I did. He then had me clear my mind and as I did that I was able to tell him I felt stupid for not being able to just let those voices play out and eat anyway and that he had me so confused. We talked it out. He prayed. We hugged. I left, got in my car and looked at the clock. We went over about 15 minutes. I am really grateful for that.

He also accidentally called me “friend” again today. He knows I hate that because he is my therapist, there is NO friendship…no one based on anything outside of that office. Although, he did tell me that he is just “mostly my therapist,” meaning there is some sort of friendship there. He also had to apologize for making fun of me. He should know better. With all that he said before we got it worked out, I was very silent. I haven’t been that quiet in a very long time. At one point, just as I was about to say something, he picks something up off his desk and says, “They are offering a new continuing education class…Mind Reading 101.” THAT backfired. He took one look at me and apologized.

My mom woke me up at 4:30 this morning to ask me a couple questions and I should know going into a session when I am not at full sleep is a bad thing. But it is so good to know that I can tell him that I am confused by what he is saying and that he welcomes the questions!

Rob has agreed to allow me to email him my food intake until Toni is back from maternity leave. Ever since I freaked out about the apple last week I realize that if I don't make the effort to let someone see what I am eating vs. what I am supposed to eat I can easily continue and then make adjustments to not even doing what I am doing.

So, I gave him a copy of my meal plan and did tell him I left out the three optional snacks, but that the rest is what is on my RR plan. I am not even sure how much he is going to comment on it when he gets the emails...but at least there is somone who knows exactly what I am eating and when.

We talked a lot about the ED voices yesterday and how fighting against them won't help. Rob said I need to just let them play out because if I do that and do what I need to do anyway, it will stop in time. I have conditioned myself so well that the voices will be overwhelming for a good time to come. Then there is the fact that I have to get over my continuing insistence that I do not deserve food and that it may be basic human need...but not for me.

You'd think that Deneice City over at the YS Forums would really help me see that it IS okay for me to live, to eat, etc. I think that is the one thing that Rob said yesterday that I really didn't answer back with anything. He talked about food as a basic need for survival. I wanted to tell him that the jury was still out on me wanting to survive...but I thought better of it.

I told him that I am not buying gum and that is a GREAT thing...if I chew gum I will not eat. I used to go through almost a whole big pack a day. I used to know calories for just about everything I even thought about eating. They are two small things...but things that show there has been SOME progress...but in the long run those two things are miniscule.

Anyone? Beuller?

Does anyone out there remember anything I said about the bozo I saw pre-Rob? We are going to talk about it on Thursday because we never really have and other than David's comment about me not needing to "force calories," I don't remember too much.

I hate to even get into with him because they work at the same counseling center, but it was Rob's idea. I did tell him today that my last session with David took me three hours to "come down from" and that if I hadn't liked him (Rob) I would have quit therapy totally. I need to think about it more. I wish I had been blogging then!

Sigh..

All that being said...I AM trying. I just finished a rally good portobella/garlic burger on a honey wheat bun with ketchup and mustard. For dinner I am making pizza (TJ crust) but I am not sure if it will be BBQ chicken or more tradional. If mom wants some I will go with tradition! And I will eat broccoli with it. I have some here...or I'll get salad "stuff."

Either way it is about 1/2 of what I should eat and yet feels like so much. Actually, that pizza crust has a lot of calories so I will get in way more than I intended. Maybe not...I can watch the cheese and do veggie instead of chicken and I sound SO screwed up. At least I know it and that is a good thing. Gives me something to work on...I can argue about how much food this is...but there is that part in my had that knows 1/2 my calories is pretty low...not by ED standards...but by being healthy and keeping the body going standards. Which, as usual, is a debate I have witu myself all the time!

I HATE, LOATHE & DESPISE FOOD!!!!

MAY TRIGGER!!!!!!!

I have NO clue what is going with me this week. I am hungry all the time. I find that totally unacceptable. I have no reason to be hungry, I don’t WANT to be hungry and it just makes things worse when I “give in.” I mean, I know that at least once a day I do need to give in and have something to eat. I have been doing great about it being a meal plan meal. Anyway, I have been eating that at dinner time(ish) and that should be great…but I still get hungry and then I wake up hungry.

I would love to think that my metabolism was awakened, but there is no reason for it to rev up out of nowhere. Okay, now that all those who joined the “Y” have given up, I do plan on going back myself next week and maybe that will help. I sure hope so because I can’t take this. I feel it is total weakness to give in to the hunger. Of course, the logical part of me thinks…there goes the perfectionist part of me again…denying that very human part of me…that very basic need.

This is one of those weeks that I long for the days when I could indulge in a Happy Meal and then purge it and that would tide me over for 48 hours until I dared eat something to keep down. It’s a week when I miss the “powerful” feeling I got when I could ignore food while those around me “gave in” and ate…where the feeling of that kind of self-control made me a total snob in a lot of ways. Not that I looked down on those who “had” to eat…but there was some self-satisfaction there. Enough of that snobbery still remains that I disgust myself when I eventually have to make choices and eat.

Last night when I was bringing Spike to my mom’s room for a bit she asked me what I wanted for dinner tonight. I said I didn’t know and then she says, “Nothing?” I get such mixed messages from her. She either harasses me because I am not eating or makes comments like that. I know what I should do…ignore her and do what I am supposed to do, but even without her comments I don’t do what I am supposed to.

I stare at my meal plan on the fridge and for the life of me can’t believe that I have actually eaten all the food on that meal plan in a day. Of course, part of the problem is that I look at it and while it is split into three meals, I can see the whole day in my head and that becomes overwhelming.

Toni asked one simple thing…that I eat SOMETHING in the morning. I went into that with good intentions. That same week I made RR bran muffins. They are in my freezer. I think I have 2 of them. Last week I went to Trader Joe’s and bought a box of Kashi Crunch and some oatmeal. They are sitting in the cupboard untouched. I have frozen berries in the freezer and a yogurt in the fridge and 10:1 the yogurt needs to be tossed.

While I know I need to this for myself, without the accountability, it is really easy to not do it. She is gone for 6 more weeks and it’s not like I need it anyway. Have you LOOKED at me lately???? I totally disgust myself which also makes it easy to not eat. I keep thinking what that bozo said to me just before I started seeing Rob…I shouldn’t worry about not eating because I don’t need to force the calories anyway. That must rattle in my head most of the day…every day for the past TWO years.

I take no joy in the fact I have now not purged for four months and next week not cut for three. Although if I do slip it won’t mean a contract, I live as if it does otherwise I am sure I would give in. As much as I want to stop all of it…without some sort of consequence (real or imagined) it’s too easy to keep going…to take out how much I hate myself on my body. To take out all the frustration I feel when I fail, when I under perform, etc. out on myself in that way.

I ate dinner at church with the youth group Wednesday night and regret it. I ate pizza. I had some sort of noodle thingy and it was my SECOND meal of the day. The fact I was hungry at all yesterday was amazing. It made no sense. But, I waited until about 4 PM and so it was about 22 hours from that meal…but if I could have gotten away with not eating at all…I would have.

One of my biggest fears (besides the feeling of “all that food” in my stomach) is that I won’t stop eating. That I am so hungry that I will eat whatever I can get my hands on until I am physically sick. To me a “binge” is NOT your bulimic binge…I cannot even fathom that…but it would be a meal with a salad and three pieces of pizza, or a meal where I have three pieces of chicken or we go out and have fries with my order instead of veggies. Or it might be a bag of the 99 cent chips or a full bag of microwave popcorn. That fear does pretty much keep me in check.

That, of course, ties into my whole control thing. The thought of not being able to reign in that hunger and say stop is a chance I am not willing to take right now. I LOVED the fact at the holidays I was giving everyone else what I made and that my mom was mowing through left over fudge and I barely touched the stuff. Most of the time I took a bite to see if it was OK and then threw the rest of whatever it was in the garbage. Granted, I LOVE to cook/bake/candy make for others…but I am OK without it myself.

I just hate, loathe and despise food and would be very happy if I could forgo food without the consequences.

SIGH...

I don’t know what is going on. Food is a problem anyway, but lately even more so. For some reason I am hungry all the time and today I “gave in” early and had an organic apple with about a ½ T of PB. Logically, I can tell you that I know that was nothing…a snack. But I went into full panic mode afterward. Okay, the last time I felt that panicked was when I had a flashback in Rob’s office weeks and weeks ago. This was a little better that that…but not much.

But, at 5 PM I was “good,” and had a balanced dinner…and then got online because I wanted to get rid of said dinner. Last night I went to “those sires,” but am really happy I had a love/hate experience with them.

Part of it reading “Changes that Heal.” While I agree with all good ‘ol Henry says, it is making me all topsy-turvy. Granted, I really don’t see others as all good or bad as I do myself (all bad anyway)…but I do have problems with that in my family. They gave/give me all this “stuff” yet were and still are abusive and trying to reconcile all that makes my head want to explode.

Of course, I think it is better to see myself as all bad until I can reconcile both parts of me. Can you imagine if I thought of myself of all good? Run…run away!

I am way functional…but I do want to be MORE than that…if I just didn’t have to eat to make that happen!

A friend sent me this from the 2005 Rose Parade! It was part of US Bank's float! How cool is that????

The sessions this week with Rob have been good…but very “different.” Not in a bad way…but in the 10 days away was a GOOD thing because I talked, I shared and was really happy with the way things went. I mean, it lasted to yesterday…it wasn’t just a Monday thing.

Actually, yesterday was so funny. I walked in and said hello and he told me I swore. I said I did not and he said you said…hell…o! Then I told him he has said worse and we started cracking up. We got down to “business” and then at one point he said in my family I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t…we looked at each other and cracked up again! Earlier, I went to take the rubber bands off the same time Rob was about to ask me to remove them. I LOVE that…that I can read him a bit and he knows me well enough to know I was ready to start snapping!

He has asked me to read Dr. Henry Cloud’s “Changes that Heal” and he wants me to list reasons why I cut. He said in email: “I don't expect a thorough perusing through history of why you've cut - just a mild pondering, as sometimes I believe we always gain a little different and yet hopefully clearer perspective when we've had some distance as to why we've done whatever we've done - just allow some wondering why / reasons to what the cutting was about in general terms, like was some of it due to punishment, tension relieving, or whatever else - and of course to challenge the reasons underlying, etc...”

So, I will “ponder” it some tomorrow. I did start the book…not really tracking with it this time though…not sure why.

The ONLY thing that I am having such a hard time with is the whole contract if I cut thing. Rob is really anti-contract now because he doesn’t want it to be a gun to my head…he doesn’t want me to white knuckle it because I am afraid of what he’ll do or that he will terminate me. I told him it reminded of my mom. She would ground me and then not stick with it. I am going to push the issue because I WANT the ^%$^ consequences.

He's Back!!!!!!

I'm sorry. I am just really excited he is back. I mean, I really didn't even need him while he was gone, but I would rather know he is there by VM or email if need be.

I think I shocked him today. I gave him real answers to the questions he asked about Xmas Eve and NYE. Real answers being real feelings...not stuff like "I wanted to disappear." He was very happy I was able to do that and thrilled that it has been 3 1/2 months since I purged and 2 1/2 months since I cut. I keep telling him that those numbers are no big deal yet and my food intake sucks so it is really easy NOT to purge.

He gave me "homework," which I forgot. I called him and haven't heard from him. Since this is his first day back I am guessing that he was booked solid. I also need to tell him my feelings about him changing his mind about the contract. Part of his reasoning (we talked a bit about it today) was he doesn't want me to continue to white knuckle the behaviors because I am afraid of the contract. I get that...but I still need to tell him I think he is being wishy-washy and like my mom when he does that stuff!

Rob also started to talk about the email I sent him that had both Xmas Eve (well...24th 2003 and 23rd 2004) blogs (edited) in them. It was what was supposed to be in his card that I didn't get a chance to do. I cut him off and changed the subject because I didn't want to talk bout it...I will not talk about it!

Anyway...I need to think about actually eating today.

Rob is Back!!!!

I am sooooo glad he is back. Okay, I did fine without him...fairly well even. I wanted to cut and I didn't. I took his advice of breathing and it really helped. Five really deep breaths helped me to relax a bit and focus on pros and cons of cutting. Okay, I am tempted, but so far so good!

This means I have to give Frederick. I own one myself, but it is not quite the same.

This also means I have to come up with what I want to talk about. I figure by the time I do talk about the stuff that drove me nuts (mom/grandma) that it will take the whole time. Besides, after TEN days...he can't expect me to jump right back into the thick of it all. Well, he could...but I have really set some of it aside because he was gone and thinking of all that while alone...not good!

Boo and Spike are best friends! Boo will get sick of Spike and then go hide in my room...but they do get along and to watch them chase one another is great!

This is the best thing that came from my time in Indiana. Adopting Boo! He is the BEST cat! 

I Miss Rob...

I am doing okay without him...but I do miss him. Things are quiet this week and for that I am truly thankful. So, I don't need him, but I like to have him around...just in case.

FIVE (cannot believe it has been that long) years ago on NYE I had the police at my door. I was sick. I was sick and just wanted to be left alone. I was deep into ED, Marc (my then therapist) was out of town for anothr week or so and I simply wanted to hide. I guess what I said in my email to those I wanted to leave me alone raised some flags. Oh boy. The cops came and they had to talk to the woman covering for Marc (who I had never met) who had to talk to me and she fixed it. They left and I went in the next morning for an emergency session.

Things have not been quite that bad (i.e. I don't dare tell my friends to just forget me and leave me alone for a bit), but I always think about it. Would going IP any place at that point..even for depression and suicidal ideation...been helpful? I am not sure. It was only 7 months later I was walking through the doors at Remuda so probably not. Not to mention I DID have that stay 6 weeks before going to RR.

I have my new computer and plan to post more pix of stuff. Not that I have a whole lot to take pix of...but I think I am going to see if I can manage to take a picture of Rob. His "official" staff picture is in a suit. That is the only time I have seen the suit. He is more casually dressed and even wears jeans on the occasional Saturday he is in the office.

I also managed to lose my first document on said computer. Oh well...it was typo ridden and what I did was a very rough draft of our Nursery/Toddler Room brochure so once my SP looks it over than I will do a rewrite.

The puppy is sleeping right by me and not sure where Boo is. I NEED to take a picture of him and post it here...my sweet little kitty! The best thing that came from my time in Indiana!

Spike and his new toy! 

Frederick enjoying the holidays! 

The Day After...

I survived. I survived my dad's family and my own.

Christmas Eve was at my dad's side of the family. Awkard as I have almost NO relationship with them. My dad has been gone almost 32 years and this Xmas Eve thing is an awkward few hours. It was OK this time. Talked with one of my cousins' wives a lot and my Auntie Joyce and it was way better than last year. OKay, after last year nothing could get much worse.

I mentioned something about this year may be better as I was a little distracted last year. He asked why. He forgot about last year for a moment. Silly man.

Xmas Eve Day was Hell on earth with my mother. Xmas was OK until we got home alone.

I wish I had someplace to take of to this week. But, this is a GOOD thing since Rob is not forever.

I was reading my blog from this time last year. I said that before, but I went back and re-read it again. In some ways I no longer feel like that person...I can see the dfference from wishing I were dead vs. planning it out as I had.

Not sure if I will ever know why Rob changed his mind last Christmas Eve. My begging and pleading, his willingness to trust my word...not sure if either were good reasons. I have a had a couple friends comment on him not taking it seriously enough. Not sure I agree with it, but as I read my blog and remembered that his colleagues thought he should admit me...maybe they were right. Maybe it would have helped a little. We don't talk about it and I am still under that contract. I am really going to miss him this next week!

And Another Thing...

Okay...so as we talk about how bad it is that my standards are too high and that I try to be perfect...Rob hold me to perfection in a couple areas. Is that fair??? Granted, the standard of perfection he is holding me to is not to "indulge" in two destructive behaviors and if I am "imperfect" it would be making the choice to treminate with him...BUT...why is it wrong have a high standard in some areas and not in others? Sounds like an unfair double standard to me.

Just Want to Escape...

My mind is pretty much reeling from the weekend’s events. Johnnie Carl, the conductor of the “Hour of Power” orchestra committed suicide early Friday morning at the Crystal Cathedral. His oldest is a former small group member of mine and I worked for the HOP and the CC for several years. I was a member for 10. Johnnie was bipolar and went off one med because of possible kidney problems. It was his mood stabilizer. After that, he went into a depressive-cycle that lead to his suicide. I am sad, I am shocked and a few other things that I know I shouldn’t be thinking.

Rob made me take the rubber bands off as soon as I walked in and got settled. We had a short conversation about them. I pointed out that snapping them actually hurts more than cutting, but doesn’t leave permanent marks. He doesn’t like that I use them for when I feel I need to be punished. I told him it was still better than cutting, thought that would be my preference. He made a comment about rubber bands being less lethal. That surprised me…that he would consider the cuts “lethal.” Then I made some comment about that it’s never been that and I have never needed stitches. Then Rob said it still puts me in the realm of a possible suicide attempt. Okay, I THOUGHT he was aware that cutting and suicide and not interchangeable. I didn’t push the issue with him…this is one I won’t win.

He also told me that he will be out of town next week. Normally I am cool with it. This time I am dreading it completely. The timing seems bad…not sure why because I am by no means very happy right now…but I am in an OK place. It may only be the latter part of the week so we would be there Monday, but I am not going to count on it.

On Death & Dying....

My mom was talking to my grandmother on the phone a couple hours ago and is truly trying to prepare my mom for "the end." My grandmother is almost 84 and has been an alcoholic for years and years and decades...I do not want to sound callous...but I also know it is bound to catch up to a person. I think her body is just starting to give out after that many years of abuse.

Naturally I worry about her eternity, but I can't force her either. I do what I can...but she has free will. Gosh that sounds cold...but I know all I can do is pray and share when I can. According to her she is a believer and that very well may be...I can't judge that.

I think I am almost numb to this because my mom has used, "This could be his (my grandpa)/her last Xmas, birthday, Easter, etc." for at least 20 years now to manipulate me and while I DO know she is right this time...none of us knows how much time any of us has left.

My biggest fear is that when the "someday" arrives that my mom is going to have a major meltdown. WhenI had my Family Week at Remuda almost 4 1/2 years ago we talked about this. Thinking I would be away when it happened..I was very clear that I will come home...I will stay an extended period of time...but then I had to go back to my life. Things have changed...a lot. But I know that I will have to set boundaries when this happens or else she will suck me in and under.

They are so enmeshed that I am sure there will be yet another suicide attempt when my grandmother does leave us. My mom is already a mini-basket case after just talking on the phone with my grandma.

My heart tells me she will probably make it to January 21st...her 84th B-day...but I also have a sense that this will be our last Christmas together.

If I Only Had a Brain!

I get to church yesterday and unlock stuff, etc. I notice the CD player is missing from the Children's Church rooms. I go over to the Jr. High room because they often use it Sunday nights. No there. I checked each room...not there. Come to find out there were people there Sunday and when some kids just walked in with pizza...no one thought a thing about it and left them there unattended. Now, it could have been someone else and not this group of neighborhood kids...but I am not holding my breath. The odd thing? They also took my toaster and not a cheap $10 one either. They left the blender...Leadership meeting went well. We are going to take the 4th & 5th grade kids on a "Weekend Away" at Mt. Hermon in March. Moving ahead on making physical changes to the CE building...will know more next month.

Today with Rob was rough. He only let me stall so long with other stuff before he made me read what I posted here. It took me about five minutes before I could do it. He told me he was so proud of me for doing it. I HATE that I needed to hear that…but I did. We didn’t get much past the part where I told him about being mad and shouldn’t be…but it was a start.

I don’t think he is going to take the rubber bands away. When I was going to start snapping them in our session, I took them off and put them on the other end of the couch. He asked me if I had been using them rather than cutting. I said yes and he left it at that. He even handed them to me before he closed our session in prayer.

I brought him brownies from scratch (I needed a distraction last night…they smelled good) and he emailed me to let me know he thinks they were awesome! I was happy. He normally dogs into whatever I being him and the last few weeks he has not so I was getting worried!

Wednesday is my final session with Toni for three months. That is causing me lots of stress and my eating has been bad. I wish I cared about that…but right now I don’t. That honestly worries me. Luckily…I have lots to lose so I’m not going to stress it.

One Year Ago...

One year ago...my mom tried to commit suicide for the third time. For the second time, I had to "clean up the mess" of it all. I am having a hard time talking to Rob about it because we seem to not talk about where MY head was at duting this time. You can check out the archives.

I sent this to him tonight:

Hey You!

Well…one thing I learned today…mom is aware of the date. She gave me a small opening, but I didn’t take it. I think because I was in shock and I also think because of the thoughts going through my head before she got home and we went to dinner.

Some of the thoughts I really have no desire to share with either of you…my mom for obvious reasons and you…well…because I feel like an idiot but would feel like a bigger idiot if I didn’t tell you. I also dread doing this because I sit here dead set against having to follow the rules about sending an email that has to be read. I know I say this every so often and do it anyway and this is no exception…but I already feel fear having to put a voice to all this.

I’m not sure where to start as usual. Part of me dreads talking about it because I don’t especially want to think about where I was this time last year…and I don’t feel much better now.

Which brings me to the first feeling. I was jealous that she had the guts to actually do it. She didn’t sit in your office and talk about how much she WANTED to do it…she actually did. Okay, she then called Murphy and did the whole thing where I could hear in the first place…but she did it. Wish I had the guts to follow through instead of just pulling the meds out from time to time and counting them.

After today I also feel totally selfish about the whole thing. Ugh…I have always hated it when my mom has taken stuff that has happened to me and makes it all about her and you pointed out that by not realizing how depressed she was…that’s pretty much what I’ve been doing. You didn’t say it that way…but that’s what it feels like. If I had not been so worried about whether I was going to do the same thing myself…maybe I would have noticed. It just seemed totally impulsive and alcohol induced that it never occurred to me that I missed seeing what was going on.

And, on another purely selfish note, I will admit that it did make me mad. Mad that she never bothers to read anything and that she had no clue mixing alcohol and her antidepressants was a no-no. Mad that once again, I was the one who had to deal with it. Call 911, answer all the questions, call my grandparents, call Murphy, get rid of the note, get rid of the pills she didn’t take, take care of the stuff at her work. Mad that all she cared about through most of this was Murphy and me making sure I called him and kept him updated, etc. She is sitting up in bed in the ER covered with charcoal telling me over and over that I had to call Murphy and he had to know where she was.

I’m totally ashamed that I practically BEGGED them to keep her. I guess my mom was trying to call me or wanted them to call me or something…maybe I was calling to get info from the hospital (this was before they transferred her), but I talked to some staff member there and when they asked me I told them I didn’t want her home…that she needed to stay. I couldn’t handle her coming home the next day…heck…I had a hard time with her coming back 72 hours later…but sooner I know I would have been calling you every two minutes.

Then, of course, there is relief she didn’t succeed and that she did no damage to her body with all the pills she took.

Last night it was back to “abnormal” sleep.  I think it may have been because my mom was really noisy this morning.  She seems to forget that we all don’t need to be up at 2 AM!  But, my cat was also in my room last night and wanted out and that woke me up as well.  I out the CD back on and fell back to sleep for a little while.  Had some weird dreams about going back Remuda LIFE.  That is really funny because I in no way, shape or form need that and sure as heck never want to again!

But, I think they may have come from the “psycho babble” reason I may not have slept last night.  One thing I noticed after two nights of decent sleep...I was HUNGRY yesterday.  Like honest to goodness even tried a piece of my fudge hungry.  That scares me to death.  I know it’s a good thing.  I know that it is perfectly normal to feel hunger...but it is still very scary.  At least it gives me something to talk to Rob about.  That and if he id going to take the rubber band away from me.  Not that I can’t get a new one.  I have a bunch in my car because I shoot them (rather badly) at him from time to time.  I emailed him Monday night to ask if he was going to take it away.  He said I gave him something to think about it.

Logically, I get it.  Anything he “outlaws” is one less thing I can punish myself with.  However...it’s more nervous habit for me and right now I feel like I need some outlet since I can’t do what I want to do.  I don’t think that I will find something else...but at least I can’t do a whole lot of damage to my body this way.   

First off...let me tell you that...

ANDY BYRNE ROCKS!!!!!

He sent me a progressive relaxation CD that has meant I got FIVE hours of sleep last night! Woo hoo!

Next...ugh...just ugh. I got to a point today where I was at a loss for words and we talked about how I feel like I always have to have the "right" answer for Rob. I will sit there in silence trying to come up with what I think he needs to hear. So he asks me, "Do you understand yourself?" I said no. He asks me how do I know I don't. I tell him because nothing makes sense to me. Then he breaks it to me. That is not what he sees. Great. He tells me the only time he really knows I am not doing well is when I cut or purge.

I have also taken to wearing a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it and it got to him. He asked me to stop. Fine. I put my hands under Frederick and kept it up. He asked me why I was doing it. I skirted the issue. Of course he knows why and I know why and if I tell him why we will talk about it and then he will take it away...add it to my "cannot do list." I "need" it. Okay, he finds it distracting he'd find me tapping on my collar bone even more distracting if I ever lost the weight again!

Maybe I need to get someone to tell him what I have told him and he doesn't seem to hear coming from ME:

• my mood has been spiraling since June (I read him that...he HAS a copy)
• I still feel like I have to justify being alive
• Life feels overwhelming

I don't know what else to say. I have said it several times and yet he still doesn't know. Okay, he may know...but he probably wants me to say it plainly. I have said two of the three very simply.

The one thing I did tell him today was that I DO want to be able to feel my feelings, but why bother when his office is the only safe place I can do it?

Tonight is one of those nights I just want to give up and give in. I feel incredibly alone and that no one out there really gets it...they just pat me on the head and assure me I'm loved. I am beginning to have my doubts about that one.

Fighting the Voices...

My dieitian goes on maternity leave the 16th so I will see her on the 15th and then not again until March. I have very mixed feelings about it. I did tell her I can check in with Rob and he won't let me starve to death so that's a plus!

Part of me wants to make sure I do well and get on track when I see her in March and part of me is now "free" to quit fighting to put food in my mouth at least once a day because there is no one to really watch that. It's not like I am losing weight or anything so who cares if I eat or not?

I know the thinking is not the best...but I think it is in reaction to all that is going on. My mother pretty much watches me like crazy these days and I haven't purged in going on three months...so unless I start heading back to the YMCA and go nuts...I'll be OK.

??????

Doube post...ooops

To Sleep....

I am so exhausted. Sleep is still not in my vocabulary and it is not helping with therapy. Rob reminded me today that I have been slacking on coming in with an agenda. Ummm...he’s right, but I can barely get through a day because I am so tired. He told me that I have lots of time to think since I am not sleeping. Ugh! He’s right though...I need to do better.

So, I did tell him I did as he asked and tried to watch myself and see if I could figure out why I can’t sleep. I am stressed...I can feel it in my shoulders. The closer we get to my mom’s anniversary date of her last OD attempt the more I dread sleeping. This one I phoned him and told him because I forgot in session today. I think I am doing it to punish myself. I am restricting...but that is like breathing to me so it gets ignored that is a 24/7 type punishment...not that my weight is dropping because it’s not...but I am eating about once a day. To cut or purge what I do eat comes with consequences that I don’t want. I don’t want to stop seeing Rob the momentary relief is not worth losing him. I hate to drink, I refuse drugs (unless I could get my hands on ephedrine) and that leaves sleep.

Today we tackled my mom. I was on such auto-pilot from that whole thing I never processed it much with Rob. We were pretty busy making sure I didn’t follow suit. That was a mistake. He should have let me go. I think I have spent the last few months mad at him for doing his job. I don’t think he realizes I still have the means...I am under contract and he seems to ignore that I tell him my mood has been spiraling down for the last 6 months so why bother?

Anyway, I went back and went through the whole thing. I think it frustrates him that I am pretty detached emotionally from it. I know why. Some of it is my own fears of losing control. Some of it is to suppress my anger about it (which I am sure he has figured out) and some of it is me hearing his voice telling me that he doesn’t always know my motivation for crying when it happens. He still doesn’t get how much that disturbs me. He keeps reminding me that emotions are like the weather and they will change...but HIS OFFICE is the ONLY safe place I have and who wants to let loose with the emotions when I have to leave and come home?

I know I have to deal with this. I just don’t want to.